Lost our beloved mastiff yesterday and I'm a mess

[majick143]

I don't frequent this board, usually an S&B'er but I need to get this out. We had an amazing mastiff. From day one he was special. He was the most gentle, patient, loving boy that anyone would meet. We got him only a couple years after being married and had him10 years. He was like an anchor for me, maybe my husband too. I'm only now fully realizing how much he meant to me. For 6 years it was only him. He went all over the place with us, became a super star within our circle of family and friends. Everyone knew him and adored him.8
It wasn't possible to not fall in live with this gentle giant the instant your eyes met. Cooper, our beloved boy. At 6 we got another mastiff puppy, daphne. Our intention was to give him companion because children were in our future and our vet, a friend, suggested it. Daphne is darling. Sweet and eager to please. She was never the patient calm soul that cooper was but wonderful in her own way. Cooper was patient and unbelievably tolerant of her. Our kids soon followed, now 11/2 and 3 years old. They know cooper but will likely not remember him. They are hurting from our loss that I can tell so far. We nearly lost him a few years ago to a tumor eruption on his spleen. We were out of town and my parents caught it, had him cared for and nursed him until we returned. This time around he began getting ill again. He had trouble walking, only earlier this week stopped eating and seemed very very sick. We took him in knowing it was likely the end. We simply couldn't afford to sink a lot of money in more care only to prolong his life by a short time. We also didn't want to put him through a ton of our efforts to extend his life if he would be uncomfortable or in pain. The vet did some tests and determined there was definitely an issue. Although hard to pin point the exact cause, kidney disease, liver disease or cancer were top of her list. On addition to his behavior and her test results, he had a very large, very hard mass on his shoulder that was pretty new. Several masses on his shoulder and neck that were external, two of which he was consistently breaking open by scratching them. She said we could try to nurse him and then figure out the issue but the $$ associated would be well over what we could honestly afford. That would have just been to treat the symptoms though and would still not cover the true issue at hand whatever it was. Knowing that whatever the issue, the likelihood of us being able to treat that or wanting to out him through the process was slim, we opted to let him go. He was nearly 10. He wouldn't have survived a surgery and his quality of life had dropped off so much in the last year. Even had we successfully treated him, how much would that really have extended our time with him and would he have truly been happy?

I'm struggling with or decision. Should we have shelled out the money to try to save him again? Were we selfish to chose not to explore the issue further? Should I have found out what the exact issue was regardless of how much it would cost so I would know that our decision was right? Should we have brought him home overnight to say goodbye and spent time together? I feel sick that I didn't love and gush all over him in the last year just because he smelled bad ( even a day after baths). That I avoided contact when his growths were gross?

I'm typing this at 4:30 after waking up to hear our younger crying for him. I can't sleep, I keep sobbing and feel such a massive loss and gap in our life right now. Cooper was more than a pet. He was a part of our family. He was our baby boy, an icon in many ways in our life. He played a very defining role in who we are. Like when you think of someone and there's something big and important that you always relate them with. That was our cooper. Obviously with children now, things have shifted but I never could have prepared myself for the reality of this loss. I knew the day was coming, I've known for some time and yet I'm completely overwhelmed at the level of my grief.

How do I begin to work through this? How can I face the empty bed, the dog dishes, the lack of the second pair of brown eyes looking back at me? I'm sick with grief.

I'm so sorry to vent this and so sorry it's long and if anyone has actually reached the end of my long words, bless your heart for listening. If anyone has advice or can help me with my issues over this decision it's beyond appreciated. Are there places I can go to memorialize our boy? I feel like after writing all of this inbred to put coopers story somewhere that I can get to it again, maybe something for others to read to known him, pictures.... Other stories... If you have managed to read to this point and have any ideas, please help.

Thank you listening

[majick143]

I typed this out in a big word dump and didn't edit. Our kids are 1 1/2 and NOT hurting from our loss. I missed a word there. Our 3 year old daughter asked on the way home where Cooper was but accepted 'doggy heaven' and has been fine since.

[blacksred]

Just wanted to say I sm sorry for your loss. Everytime I read a story likre this I cry. you sound like me when describing your Cooper. It will get easier w time

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using proboards

[niemand88f]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You made the right decision for your dog - you knew him best. You gave him a wonderful life with your family.

[kris356]

I am so sorry for your loss. You made the right decision, you knew him and loved him. It is hard but you cannot second guess your decision. The thing I tried to remember when we lost our first dog was that we loved her from the moment she came into our lives and we were there when she left.

Lots of hugs to you.

[majick143]

Thank you all, your words are kind and help give me some peace. It's helping to talk about it. Last night I didn't have anyone to talk to and frankly couldn't have forms the words out loud anyway. Thank you so much for the support

[shopgirl07]

I'm sorry. I had to put my 14 year old girl down almost exactly a year ago. It was an agonizing decision. I will admit that I felt very emotionally raw for several months. I would burst out crying at random moments.

Cooper was your family member and you'll miss him greatly. But it will get easier I promise. Hugs to you, Cooper was just as lucky to have you as you were to have him.

[Norticprincess]

I'm sorry for your loss. I was in tears reading this and sat held my current one. He was probably ready, they are so good at hiding pain that when you finally see it it's time. You knew him best, don't second guess yourself. The last one my parents had to put to sleep seemed fine until about a week before he was gone. His passing was hard. It was quite different than even the loss of my 14 year old mutt who was my baby who we lost the same year. The breed just has a unique way of cementing themselves into your life in every way. It does get easier with time, as with any loss, things are never the same but you do find a new normal.

.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[majick143]

Thank you all so so much your kind words. I very much needed to hear them. I'm starting to accept the fact that he was ready. I had some long talks with my mom and husband. The emotionally raw thing is the best way to describe it. I'm still unable to speak out loud about it but I trust what I've been told and it will ease eventually. I'm just having a harder time with the hole left in our family. There's just nothing that can be with that though. Whew, this has been awfully painful. I'm really thankful for those that took the time to read my post, I know it was long and unedited how funny that the words of kind strangers can help ease this pain but it really does.

[patches31709]

Hugs to you.