Ladies who are just starting the process

[naeljun]

Please listen to those who have been through it already. If this place existed prior to my divorce, I would be in a much better place right now.

We are being honest because we have been through it and don't want to see you make any of the same mistakes in the process we may have made.

[bullygirl979]

Yeah....what she said!!!

Seriously, though....I remember starting this process and people giving me advice, which I didn't follow of course, because I thought I was the exception. Guess what? I wasn't. And I should have paid attention a little more to what others were sharing with me.

[explorer2001]

Well when I was starting the process (not the divorce but the deciding to leave) 1) this place didn't exsist yet and I wish it had, 2) I hated what certain people where saying when they called things exactly what they were, 3) I listened anyway even though I posted back that they were wrong. I kind of hope that's how it's working. That whole fight because you don't want it to be that, but knowing it really is and finding strength in the wisdom and encouragement of the people telling you the things you don't want to hear so that you can do the right thing.

[jojoandleo]

I think it was TIP I posted (or one of the knot boards) about living with XFI after breaking up "as roommates" and getting told to get the fuck out because it wouldn't work. I didn't. I totally thought we could be friends and roommates and everything would be fine. It wasn't. It got really really bad. I should have listened.

So-we have all been flamed, don't get defensive. Sit back, look at what we are saying, and evaluate yourself.

[Deleted]

I remember Mint from when she came on TIP...and she didnt like my adivce at all~

[calitime]

I'm just starting the separation process and I'm new to this board. I'm really curious to find out what all this guiding advise is. I'm clueless about divorce and I know practically nobody who has gone through it. I don't have any people IRL to seek "been there done that" support from.

[bullygirl979]

Oct 20, 2012 9:19:09 GMT -5 calitime said:

I'm just starting the separation process and I'm new to this board. I'm really curious to find out what all this guiding advise is. I'm clueless about divorce and I know practically nobody who has gone through it. I don't have any people IRL to seek "been there done that" support from.

1) go to therapy

2) don't engage the ex. It is a roller coaster of emotion and it is easy to get caught up. Don't do things that you would later regret. One of the things I am MOST proud of is the fact that I never raised my voice, trash talked my XH, called him names or did anything to try and get even.

3) for the love of god, don't date. Most women (myself included) find that their self esteem takes a hit when you get divorced. So you rush back into dating so you feel desired and attractive. And 9/10 times it ends very badly. Get validation from yourself not from other men. Learn to TRULY love yourself before you seek love from others. You should feel good about yourself and happy with your life being single before looking to date. A relationship should complement your life, not complete it.

ETA:
4) understand that it is a process. Some days you will feel great, some days you will have rage, some days you will cry. They are all very, very normal emotions!

[calitime]

Awesome. I'm on the right path so far then. I have started therapy. I have no desire to date because my life is so chaotic right now. I'd rather devote my time to my daughter and building my new life.

My therapist helps me practice talking to H so that I'm able to stay calm and not engage in his craziness. It makes dealing with him a lot better. I get to stay calm, and if I get emotional I can keep it in check until I get off the phone with him.

[freshstart2012]

Oct 19, 2012 21:20:23 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Please listen to those who have been through it already. If this place existed prior to my divorce, I would be in a much better place right now.

We are being honest because we have been through it and don't want to see you make any of the same mistakes in the process we may have made.

I completely agree. If I had utilized this board (on the nest), I would have left my ex much sooner and not endured further abuse.

The posters that pull the "you dont know me" card make me want to shake some sense into them!

[naeljun]

when I posted this yesterday I was thinking more about the legal aspect of things and knowing what questions to ask your attorney, etc. I really wasn't talking about the emotional part but I guess that is a big portion as well.

[calitime]

Oct 20, 2012 19:08:45 GMT -5 inara said:

So true. I wish I had been lurking on these boards before I filed. Mistakes were made. But this place has given me good ideas for how to handle XH, joint custody, and dating again.

Do you have any good general questions to ask a lawyer? I just picked one and I really like her. She seems very competent but I really have no idea what to look for.

[Deleted]

This board was definitely helpful when I was deciding to leave. Special thanks to MCC who offered me lots of help and support from the nest. Xoxo! Somehow it feels better to know that there are others in the same boat, who have been there. So, even though its rough in the beginning the newbs should listen to those who are wiser and more experienced

[rose909]

I'm completely new here and am glad you posted this....there is so much advice everyone is always trying to give (love the ones IRL that have never been through it) and it's difficult to absorb it all. I'm glad I found you all!

[Deleted]

Oct 21, 2012 13:52:42 GMT -5 rose909 said:

I'm completely new here and am glad you posted this....there is so much advice everyone is always trying to give (love the ones IRL that have never been through it) and it's difficult to absorb it all. I'm glad I found you all!

Welcome...I see you're new here too. Maybe I missed your intro?

[rose909]

Oct 21, 2012 14:55:13 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

Oct 21, 2012 13:52:42 GMT -5 rose909 said:

I'm completely new here and am glad you posted this....there is so much advice everyone is always trying to give (love the ones IRL that have never been through it) and it's difficult to absorb it all. I'm glad I found you all!

Welcome...I see you're new here too. Maybe I missed your intro?

Yes, I'm new, just found the site today...I didn't do an intro, will now!

[roselis]

This board really did help me. The best advice I got was to 1) get my own lawyer and 2) remember that A needs be the one to get the best deal in this, not me or XH.

[mcgee]

I will say that I am also very grateful for the nest boards and GBCN because thanks to them, I knew as soon as I suspected something to document, document, document. Within a few days of my suspicions, I had copies of phone records, copies of credit card statements, copies of emails that he'd sent, copies of naked photos he'd taken of himself, and screen shots of message board posts he'd made on porn sites. The first attorney I consulted when we were in "try to work it out" mode was stunned at what I'd put together in a short period of time. And I am SO glad that I did gather it all and store it in a safe place (everything was in electronic form, and I emailed copies of everything to an anonymous email account I have plus to several close friends for safe keeping in case H tried to damage my computer) because once we got through the first few days, he started deleting anything and everything. He was always cautious about deleting texts on his phone, but I managed to get to his laptop before he wiped it clean of anything incriminating.

I used to read TIP on the nest, and I knew from that to immediately withdraw some money from the bank account in case he tried to empty the accounts, and to call a lawyer right away for a consultation to at least know what my options were.

[stephbfan]

I wish I listened to the advice that I got from some of the baby boards. I think I would have consulted a lawyer way before I did and had the custody process be easier and get it done sooner.