Question about divorce

[calitime]

My H has had an ongoing issue with phone sex and porn He had claimed the last year or so that he hasn't had these issues (yeah right!). I have proof of all of this. Since I left on our unofficial separation he's been calling phone sex places again.

Does this get anything in divorce or child custody? Or is it just shitty for me and it won't do anything for me. I'm asking because I'm expecting a fight from him (I just filed last week) and I'm hoping that this might make things easier for me.

[explorer2001]

You can document but it really depends on your state and if you had a prenup. My ex had serious porn issues (including underage/barely legal/violent/transsexual). It didn't matter at all in the divorce process. Everything in our state laws was pretty cut and dried about who got what and who would have to pay what.

Because of the related abuse, his predillictions made it easier for me to get the order of protection and if there had been kids involved, it would have influenced custody, but my ex was extreme. Not just he liked to get off to "normal" porn or consentual adult interaction.

Mostly it just sucks and I strongly encourage therapy for you and your children.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure how that would relate to divorce proceedings because I'm not sure that it legally counts as infidelity. good luck in your divorce process.

[calitime]

Thanks. I kind of figured it wouldn't help at all. Its shitty because I know he is going to fight and make things messy. Hopefully I can at least tell him I have it and his fear of it becoming public might make him back down a little bit.
And in person or not, phone sex to me is still cheating. It sucks that the courts probably won't agree.

[calitime]

And yes, I'm in therapy already and plan to continue for a long time. My daughter isn't even 2 yet so she doesn't know what's going on really.

[Deleted]

Oct 21, 2012 20:22:47 GMT -5 calitime said:

Thanks. I kind of figured it wouldn't help at all. Its shitty because I know he is going to fight and make things messy. Hopefully I can at least tell him I have it and his fear of it becoming public might make him back down a little bit.
And in person or not, phone sex to me is still cheating. It sucks that the courts probably won't agree.

I agree! I'm sorry he's such a douchebag.

[roselis]

You can document it and ask your lawyer if it will have any influence, but probably not. If he fights you on getting a divorce, then you might be able to use it as reason to divorce, but for splitting assets or custody, I don't think it has an impact.

[prettyinpearls]

Unfortunately, being a disgusting douchebag doesn’t hold any weight in court re: custody/parenting time. If that’s the case, most of our XH’s would never see their children.

[mcgee]

The answer is a big vague "It depends."

I am in Texas, and although I'm in the Austin area, I live in a different county that is more conservative, and I've been told by 2 lawyers that if STBXH and I went to court (we are trying to work it out amicably to save money), I'd get almost everything that wasn't eaten up by attorney fees. The exact quote from my lawyer was, "Texas does not look too highly upon adultery."

In my case, porn message boards led to Ashley Madison and an extreme level of sexting and phone calls with other women (like on my birthday, the kids' birthdays, while I was pregnant, on Valentine's Day, etc), and eventually led to him having sex with a woman he met there.

If there's been no physical affair, I honestly don't know. Not a lawyer. I know in my case it affects the division of assets but not custody (my professional sacrifices to support his career also affect division of assets). In my case, I really wanted to leave the state to go back to where I have family who can help, and I made a really compelling argument as to why it was in the best interest of the children, and H chose not to fight me. On paper we will have joint custody, but I have decision making power for education, medical, religious upbringing, etc. If you are staying local, you'll likely end up with some form of joint custody with the kids primarily living with you but spending every other weekend and the occasional weeknight with your ex, along with a division of school holidays.

My attorney said that we could stipulate in the divorce that H is not to have any porn on his phone, computer or anywhere the children could access it while they are with him and that we want him to attend counseling for sex/porn addiction, BUT that it was almost impossible to enforce. She said there really was nothing we could do unless the children were actually exposed to it and we could demonstrate that they'd been harmed. Even then, a judge in Texas would be unlikely to remove visitation entirely. You have to do something really extreme here to lose visitation. She said we could ask for supervised visitation (which frankly I don't think is necessary), but that it's expensive, and it precludes long visits between parent and child, so I'd be unable to move from here.

How bad is his on-going issue? Is he calling when the kids are around? Calling during work? Is he using porn/calling sex lines when he's supposed to be doing something else? If it's just an occasional call, it likely won't make any difference. If you can show (like I could) that he's making hundreds or thousands of calls a month, then that's a different story.

What does your lawyer say??

[calitime]

I'll see my lawyer again today so I'll ask her. I'm from CA but we have lived in TX and my daughter was born there. I've been staying in CA with my mom for about a month and I'm hoping to get to stay here permanently. H is still in TX.

At points there were hundreds of calls a month, thousands of credit card debt racked up. He still will masturbate in the bathroom in the middle of the day all the time. It's pretty intense. He would call on my birthday, when we were on a trip to Vegas, etc.

[stephbfan]

The problem I see is that you have nothing to prove he will continue to do the same thing while he is with the kid/s. You would need something like him, leaving the kids on their own and them getting hurt because of it. Sucks but that's the truth.

[prettyinpearls]

Oct 22, 2012 10:17:56 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

The problem I see is that you have nothing to prove he will continue to do the same thing while he is with the kid/s. You would need something like him, leaving the kids on their own and them getting hurt because of it. Sucks but that's the truth.

This.

Like I said before, the courts don't care that he's a disgusting douchecanoe...unless, of course, his habits/addictions are causing harm to the health and safety of your children.