give to coworker collection death in family?

[grey56]

A guy at my work passed away this month. Emails have been going around for us to donate to his kids' college funds. I did not donate b/c his kids are in college now, and this guy was a huge upper-level supervisor. He easily made 4x what I make, probably more. This was the first time the email said that the money would be for college. Usually it's for a donation to a cause. I just felt weird, here I am, saving for my own kid's college and she's 1yo. I realize this makes me sound heartless.

[Deleted]

I think cash is a lot more useful than flowers. Flowers die but the decedents family is going to have a lot of unexpected expenses from funeral costs, clothes for the funeral, and missed days at work.

[thumper55]

I don't think giving money is wierd at all, but it's common to give cold cash, for various occasions , in my circles (Asian)

I would give $50-$100 for someone I personally knew
Since you don't really know the maintenance guy, I would give up to $20

[Becca]

Oct 22, 2012 5:50:48 GMT -5 @septimus said:

I think cash is a lot more useful than flowers. Flowers die but the decedents family is going to have a lot of unexpected expenses from funeral costs, clothes for the funeral, and missed days at work.

I agree. Flowers take up space and die and make a mess. We left SO many bouquets at the church, which I felt awful about, but there was just nowhere to put them all. And I still can no longer stand the smell of flowers - it just takes me back to DS's funeral.

I would definitely encourage using the money for a direct cash gift or useful gift card over flowers.

[Deleted]

Oct 22, 2012 6:04:47 GMT -5 Becca said:

Oct 22, 2012 5:50:48 GMT -5 @septimus said:

I think cash is a lot more useful than flowers. Flowers die but the decedents family is going to have a lot of unexpected expenses from funeral costs, clothes for the funeral, and missed days at work.

I agree. Flowers take up space and die and make a mess. We left SO many bouquets at the church, which I felt awful about, but there was just nowhere to put them all. And I still can no longer stand the smell of flowers - it just takes me back to DS's funeral.

I would definitely encourage using the money for a direct cash gift or useful gift card over flowers.

My first real boss said the same things about flowers. Her husband died unexpectedly at 40 of a heart attack. She couldn't stand flowers in the office because they reminded her of his funeral.

[pitterwoo]

Oct 22, 2012 6:09:53 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Oct 22, 2012 6:04:47 GMT -5 Becca said:

I agree. Flowers take up space and die and make a mess. We left SO many bouquets at the church, which I felt awful about, but there was just nowhere to put them all. And I still can no longer stand the smell of flowers - it just takes me back to DS's funeral.

I would definitely encourage using the money for a direct cash gift or useful gift card over flowers.

My first real boss said the same things about flowers. Her husband died unexpectedly at 40 of a heart attack. She couldn't stand flowers in the office because they reminded her of his funeral.

Oh how awful.
Becca, I'm sorry for your loss.

Flowers and plants are a nice gesture, but I got sick of them real quick after some family funerals I've dealt with.

[bunnysmom]

Oct 22, 2012 6:09:53 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Oct 22, 2012 6:04:47 GMT -5 Becca said:

I agree. Flowers take up space and die and make a mess. We left SO many bouquets at the church, which I felt awful about, but there was just nowhere to put them all. And I still can no longer stand the smell of flowers - it just takes me back to DS's funeral.

I would definitely encourage using the money for a direct cash gift or useful gift card over flowers.

My first real boss said the same things about flowers. Her husband died unexpectedly at 40 of a heart attack. She couldn't stand flowers in the office because they reminded her of his funeral.

Oh, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I can't even imagine...

This made me think how in these situations, while wanting to help, we might end up doing things that could hurt or not help the grieving family. Even when my SIL died last year after knowing my inlaws for almost 8 years, I sometimes didn't know what to do to help them. For example, I tried to clean their house for them so they didn't have to think about that but I after a while I could realize that they didn't want to say anything to me but they were really wanting to do the chores themselves to keep their minds occupied. That was MIL and FIL way to cope with the situation and I was so upset for not realizing sooner.

[Deleted]

Giving money is fairly standard here. I gave money last week when a friend lost her mom. Her mom was her son's babysitter. We took up a collection to help with daycare and were able to cover one month for her to help her get started.

When my family has received money in situations like this, the money was given to the memorial that was set up. But, if someone needed it for funeral expenses, to cover lost time at work, to help cover child care while they sorted things out, etc, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

[lys]

I HATE plants for funeral gifts. I much prefer something more practical or the money.
Give if you are able.

[Deleted]

Oct 22, 2012 5:50:00 GMT -5 grey56 said:

A guy at my work passed away this month. Emails have been going around for us to donate to his kids' college funds. I did not donate b/c his kids are in college now, and this guy was a huge upper-level supervisor. He easily made 4x what I make, probably more. This was the first time the email said that the money would be for college. Usually it's for a donation to a cause. I just felt weird, here I am, saving for my own kid's college and she's 1yo. I realize this makes me sound heartless.

Just awesome.

[mollybrown]

My mother died 20 years ago, and the smell of carnations still makes me think of funerals. I don't like receiving flowers for any occasion, and I would never send them. I guarantee these people have already received more flowers than they know what to do with.

[phunluvin82]

Oct 21, 2012 21:06:00 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Oct 21, 2012 20:59:53 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

I can understand flowers or a card. But handing over money? I don't see the point.

Some people sent my mom money when my dad died. We were surprised at the time too - it seemed old-timey or small-town-ish, like from back in the days when the townspeople all show up to put out fires, raise barns, bury the deceased, etc. - but apparently it's just something that some people do.

Yup...I grew up in the northeast, and I don't think this was something that was really done very much (though I was also raised in upper-middle class circles as well)...but at my old job here in NOLA, it was very standard to collect and give money.
Everyone gave at least a few dollars...I would typically give $5 unless it was someone that I was closer with, etc.

I do think it is somewhat tradition here. Like, we also have the Social Aid & Pleasure clubs that used to cover funeral costs if any members of their community died (and in some communities, still do today). When one of our staff members (at old job) was murdered, we footed the bill for the entire funeral b/c he was young, left a small child behind, and his family didn't have the $ for any of those costs.

[reason2believe]

They do this at DHs job and I always thought it was weird. That is, until DHs father died and we needed airline tix to fly across country for the funeral. The money was nice and paid for the flights.

[pitterwoo]

I ended up getting him a $15 gift card to the grocery store and mini mart chain in our area. There's one across the street from the building.

[mellymel]

Please don't assume that life insurance is always part of the picture. My Dad passed away last fall and the funeral expenses were so burdensome for us. He didn't have life insurance, which shocked most people. But he was uninsurable - he had leukemia 17 years prior and it came back.

Another friend committed suicide. I don't believe most insurance policies will pay out for a suicide. Most people didn't realize this either.

So sometimes cash is the most helpful thing you can give to the family at the time of a death.

[moolarkey]

We often take up collections for deaths of spouses, parents, children and it given as cash. There are a lot of expenses with death that people often don't think about. Often a lot of family members to feed during that time, not everyone gets food donated so they have to shop. There can be travel expenses, possibly increased phone bills, postage (for thank yous etc), clothing.

My mom often would take paper products to friends when someone died. Paper plates, paper towels, plastic cups & utensils because you often are having a lot of people eating at various times and no one wants to do dishes at a time like that. It may sound like a weird thing to but it actually is very helpful.

Another comment, I work part time at Macy's. I can't tell you how many people I've helped buy clothing to wear to funerals. About a month ago I helped a woman buy a couple of nice outfits. She wasn't very forthcoming in what they were for. She had 2 sisters and a twenty-something niece with her. Her sisters were directing her to really nice but more conservative things. The niece kept finding fairly sexy cocktail attire - short, sequined, etc. I started figuring it was for a wedding. Then a sister told me, the shopper's daughter had died that week in a swimming accident and it had been on the news so I was aware of the accident. She was looking for a dress for what we call "calling hours" and a dress for the funeral. We got her out of the cocktail attire and in to something attractive but appropriate. The absolutely saddest thing - 2 weeks later the shopper was killed in a car accident. I couldn't believe it when I read it in the paper.