Do you ever think about your donor?

[quinny]

I blame it on a combo of N turning 1 and getting my first post postpartum period, on his birthday, gah. Seriously. But I was suddenly seized with this need to pray for him to have a life of love and happiness that knows no bounds. To meet him and thank him, from the bottom of my heart for choosing to be a donor and giving me the very best gift in all the world.

And then I sobbed. And while sobbing and nursing, I thought of the reasons why he might have become a donor and why, after only one 'donation' he retired and then I remembered he is in the Air Force and I was terrified that maybe he died.

And then I sobbed again. In my right mind, I don't want to meet him. but I do want him to have the best life possible. For him to know all the love and happiness I know.

Do you ever think of your donor? Or am I crazy?

[rikkiandjulie]

This is why Julie and I chose a known donor. We never wanted any questions or unknowns. Our donor is my very best friend and he is close to Julie too. Although I know it will difficult to navigate sometimes, I am counting my blessings that I get to thank him everyday. I can't imagine not knowing...


Rikki-iPhone

[ct]

i think that's perfectly normal.

[twotrue]

If that's normal, than I'm abnormal. I don't really think about our donor that often. .

[2brides]

I do think about him every once in awhile. I don't know if I have thought in terms of, I hope he has a happy life (though I do), or I wonder what he is doing..but more do the kids look like him, do they share mannerisms, interests, senses of humor...

[quinny]

I don't think about him often and I didn't say anything that would lead you to think I do. On the contrary, I said I was "suddenly seized". I was just asking if anyone had experienced a moment beyond wondering what he looks like.

[twotrue]

Oct 23, 2012 8:39:05 GMT -5 quinny said:

I don't think about him often and I didn't say anything that would lead you to think I do. On the contrary, I said I was "suddenly seized". I was just asking if anyone had experienced a moment beyond wondering what he looks like.

My 'often' wasn't directed at anyone and wasn't meant to offend. TMM stated she says "a little prayer every day for him." I would say thinking about him everyday is 'often.' But often isn't a bad thing. Neither is never. Neither is suddenly being seized by wondering.

[never2amazing]

I have never been "suddenly seized" ... but I do find it odd that I think about the donor's mother at times and wonder about her. Thoughts like that catch me off guard.

[quinny]

Oct 23, 2012 10:03:44 GMT -5 never2amazing said:

I have never been "suddenly seized" ... but I do find it odd that I think about the donor's mother at times and wonder about her. Thoughts like that catch me off guard.

I don't think this is odd. We explored a known donor at one point and all went relatively smoothly until he told his mother. She couldn't stand the thought of having a 'grandchild' out there that she would never meet. We already had reservations about getting involved with someone we knew and that sealed the deal. We pulled the plug and went back to our anonymous donor. To be honest, I rarely think of him. Once in a blue moon I will look at N and see a feature that I don't recognize, but for the most part, he looks exactly like me, when I was little, so it doesn't really come up and his personality isn't formed enough to question that yet.. maybe the next kid will look nothing like me and it will be more frequent. I guess the infrequency of it made the suddenly seized sob feast more....meaningful? shocking? alarming? It rattled me.

Right before he was born, I had dreams and fears that I I wouldn't recognize him at birth and worried I would be able to bond with him. I am happy to say, it wasn't the case

[bluedaisyus]

No, I can't say that I have, at least not that I recall. If so it was nothing profound.

[ElsaVonM]

I do think about him occasionally and wonder if he wonders about us - his unknown baby mamas. I feel certain that he is having a good life, partly b/c one of the things that attracted us to him was how he talked about his family and how close they are.

[twotrue]

Oct 23, 2012 10:13:35 GMT -5 quinny said:

Right before he was born, I had dreams and fears that I I wouldn't recognize him at birth....)

I had those same thoughts. There was a good chance Jelly Bean could have popped out pretty damn dark. I just sort of imagined that I would give birth to a miniature version of the donor (we have one childhood photo of him). In my head she was going to be born with the cutest little afro. Sadly, she was bald.

[hensmum]

I have definitely had sobbing in the rocking chair because I can't believe how insanely lucky I am to have this beautiful, healthy child moments. But it hasnt really been about the donor. I do wonder about him from time to time, mainly if Hen looks like him, and what he'll be like if Hen chooses/is able to meet him when he's older. Mostly I just see him as a college kid who needed an easy way to make some cash - I feel like most guys who do it aren't really in it for deeper reasons.

[thiswillbe]

I don't really think about the donor at all. In the grand scheme of all the people and things that led us to our wonderful children, he's a relatively minor part (I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful; I'm glad he donated, but I guess I think of it more as a business transaction than a gift).

In terms of seeing our kids and seeing another ("non-me") very obvious biological component: When I see characteristics in our kids that aren't mine, I think they're S's. Truly. There are times I have thought or said something that implies the kids and S are biologically related; and sometimes it takes me a second to reorient to "reality." But I think this is because we picked a donor who is a pretty good match to S.

[2brides]

Oct 23, 2012 12:40:56 GMT -5 thiswillbe said:

When I see characteristics in our kids that aren't mine, I think they're S's. Truly.

I totally get this. Grayson IS L. Seriously, I have no idea how there is not a biological component there. It really is mind blowing - and also reinforces that we get the kids we are meant to have - no matter how or how long they take to get to us. :heart:

[cymru]

I do think about the donor and his whole family sometimes.

It just strikes me that there is a family out there and biologically Annie is part of their story and their family history and they will never know she exists.

It makes me sad that there are people that share her genes that will never know what an amazing little person that their collective history helped produce.

[joyseattle]

I've enjoyed reading others response to this. I think of our chosen donor occasionally and moreso now that we're gearing up to ttc again. Quinny's comment about wondering if you'll recognize them at birth and Two's comment about wondering how JB would look are things I think about often, especially as someone who's going to carry a mixed-race baby. Thiswillbe's comment about associating traits with S is something I could see happening with me toward our kids and C. I'm looking forward to discovering how these things play out in our family and I'm hopeful that if/when our kids reach out to our donor at 18+ they'll have a good experience.

[ssg73]

I think about him sometimes. There are many siblings for E and we have had a few "moments" where we thought we had run into a sibling and it has been weird to think that E is equally related to these kids as to me. When I chose our donor the profile said he had one biological daughter (non donor) and that he was single. I often thought he might be using the money for child support. On a the most recent profile I have seen for him it lists the child as decesed and that the cause of death was accidental drowning. She died when she was three. I shed some tears over that news. I am so sad for our donor and also for Ella. That was biologically her half sister. Our donor is an open id donor and I always thought about whether this other child would ever come into play when Ella (if she choses to) contacted her donor. I also wonder if having donor offspring makes the loss of his daughter more difficult. I imagine him as a super nice guy. He and his father are fire fighters. It makes me so sad to think about his loss.