I'm side-eying this lady. (XP from TB)

[panicked]

community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/69578688/ShowThread.aspx#69578688

I understand military life is difficult, but she's rubbing me the wrong way. Thoughts?

[meltoine]

Oh I'm sure Stanny has something to say about being "liberal" and therefore not proud of the military.

What a drama queen.

[basilosaurus]

I skimmed, but she's a total tool. She got married to someone without ever being with him, basically. So it's not just the job that's getting in the way. She married a stranger who has a lifestyle she's never even seen. She might as well be a mail order bride. Also, she's using literally incorrectly.

I actually can kind of get the liberal not proud thing. I'm proud that H has a good job, works hard, etc, but I'd be equally proud of him in another profession. So if someone were to tell me to be proud as a way of mitigating the loneliness and hardship, it wouldn't help me at all. I actually don't think that's because I'm liberal, though. I'm sure there are plenty of conservatives who think the same way.

[beans]

I had to comment. She's going to ruin her relationship with her H. She needs a reality check with what its like to be in the military.

[audette]

She rubs me the wrong way, too. I could be in a pretty similar situation - knew little to nothing about the military when DH and I met. DH was in college when we met, too, with the intention of returning to active duty when he graduated. He'd been a soldier (again) for all of about 3-4 days when we got married. A month later he left for training, and six months later we were dealing with our first PCS move.

But, I read, and listened, and sought out information, and by the time we got married, I had a clue what to look forward to (basically, lots of moves, and lots of time with him gone, some of that with him in dangerous places... didn't take much to figure that out).

I did a bit too much reading of those silly books like "service ettiquette", and was pleased to learn they were mostly crap, or, perhaps, better phrased, a tip of the hat at an older, more formal military - it didn't neccessarily help me with the day to day stuff, but it did help me understand the roots of some traditions.


Being a foreigner, the patriotic aspect doesn't really sway me. (I'm also liberal, according to US politics, but I think being foreign probably plays more into this...)

But, I am thrilled that DH has a job that he wants to do. That he _really_ wants to do. That's a gigantic factor when I toss various thoughts around thru my head - he wants this job and this life, and I am happy we can make that work for us, even if it does lead to some rough times here and there.


I do vent on this board, probably more often than I ought to. But it's usually about one-off type of things where I'm just boggled at how foolishly difficult something happens to be via the military when it could otherwise be so simple. But, that's not a rejection of the life as a military spouse, it's an attempt to blow off steam with a group of people who have probably also had similar moments.

[pennylane]

I don't understand not doing some basic research about a lifestyle you're going to participate in. I wouldn't just decide one day to convert to Scientology without knowing what the heck that involves.

[ilovelamp]

There are many things about that post that make me want to be mean to her. But I won't.

[ggirl]

Stan, you're response made me snort.

[ggirl]

It was funny. Sometimes its ok to be a bitch. I do it sometimes too. By sometimes, I mean most of the time

[beachy]

I didn't even see the link on here before I saw the post over there. Yeah, she is an idiot and i have no sympathy for her.

[ggirl]

Beachy! You have an olive!

[thegooser]

I actually empathize with her, but then again I was in a similar situation. Not the details or even the baby, but meeting and marrying a guy without fully realizing what it was like. For me, my DH told me he was getting out of the military, and we fell in love quickly. Then he decided to stay in. I thought I could handle it and it was by far the best relationship I'd ever had, so I rationalized that I'd rather have a great guy around sometimes, than have anything less 100% of the time. I underestimated how much of my happiness was linked to my career success, my friends, and my family (i.e. my whole life which I gave up). I was optimistic about building a new life, but I had to take whatever job I could get. And it was hard to find career-oriented wives without kids (or even, women who wanted to hang out with a career-oriented woman without kids). I did meet a few women who I hung out with, and there were a few coworkers, but it was always sort of making the best of it and finding things to do together.

I see so many military wives who beat down the ones who can't hack it. I think it'd ok to say that this life can be unexpectedly hard.

[beans]

Oct 25, 2012 19:17:53 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I actually empathize with her, but then again I was in a similar situation. Not the details or even the baby, but meeting and marrying a guy without fully realizing what it was like. For me, my DH told me he was getting out of the military, and we fell in love quickly. Then he decided to stay in. I thought I could handle it and it was by far the best relationship I'd ever had, so I rationalized that I'd rather have a great guy around sometimes, than have anything less 100% of the time. I underestimated how much of my happiness was linked to my career success, my friends, and my family (i.e. my whole life which I gave up). I was optimistic about building a new life, but I had to take whatever job I could get. And it was hard to find career-oriented wives without kids (or even, women who wanted to hang out with a career-oriented woman without kids). I did meet a few women who I hung out with, and there were a few coworkers, but it was always sort of making the best of it and finding things to do together.

I see so many military wives who beat down the ones who can't hack it. I think it'd ok to say that this life can be unexpectedly hard.

thats all well and good, but the thing is, she's taking her anger out on her H. Which is never good or healthy. And she's being a total crapface about it.

[thegooser]

Oct 25, 2012 20:00:53 GMT -5 beans said:

Oct 25, 2012 19:17:53 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I actually empathize with her, but then again I was in a similar situation. Not the details or even the baby, but meeting and marrying a guy without fully realizing what it was like. For me, my DH told me he was getting out of the military, and we fell in love quickly. Then he decided to stay in. I thought I could handle it and it was by far the best relationship I'd ever had, so I rationalized that I'd rather have a great guy around sometimes, than have anything less 100% of the time. I underestimated how much of my happiness was linked to my career success, my friends, and my family (i.e. my whole life which I gave up). I was optimistic about building a new life, but I had to take whatever job I could get. And it was hard to find career-oriented wives without kids (or even, women who wanted to hang out with a career-oriented woman without kids). I did meet a few women who I hung out with, and there were a few coworkers, but it was always sort of making the best of it and finding things to do together.

I see so many military wives who beat down the ones who can't hack it. I think it'd ok to say that this life can be unexpectedly hard.

thats all well and good, but the thing is, she's taking her anger out on her H. Which is never good or healthy. And she's being a total crapface about it.

Well, I think he's a huge contributing factor as to why she has unrealistic expectations. He's made promises he couldn't keep, such as saying "after this deployment we'll be a family again" and he generally seems to mislead her. He also totally bait and switched her from courtship to marriage, lol. I'd probably be resentful too.

I do hear you that she should find a productive way to deal with her frustration. I think they're in this now and with a baby no less and they both need to adjust their expectations regarding separation. But I don't think she's a jerk or anything.

[basilosaurus]

She's probably naive, and he's probably a douche. I give this marriage 9 months.

[panicked]

Oct 25, 2012 20:19:09 GMT -5 thegooser said:

Oct 25, 2012 20:00:53 GMT -5 beans said:

thats all well and good, but the thing is, she's taking her anger out on her H. Which is never good or healthy. And she's being a total crapface about it.

Well, I think he's a huge contributing factor as to why she has unrealistic expectations. He's made promises he couldn't keep, such as saying "after this deployment we'll be a family again" and he generally seems to mislead her. He also totally bait and switched her from courtship to marriage, lol. I'd probably be resentful too.

I do hear you that she should find a productive way to deal with her frustration. I think they're in this now and with a baby no less and they both need to adjust their expectations regarding separation. But I don't think she's a jerk or anything.

I posted to her. Do I think her life is hard? Yes, I do. I know what she's going through; we all do. However, I lay blame on her for not even researching the military before jumping in to marriage with a guy. Let's say your husband wanted to join the Peace Corps or Foreign Legion. As his partner, you'd probably do at least a quick google search, right? She didn't. Regardless of what he told her, she should have been smart enough to look at a pamphlet or something.

[ilovelamp]

Panicked- I don't know why but "look at a pamphlet" made me laugh.

[panicked]

Oct 25, 2012 20:49:44 GMT -5 ilovelamp said:

Panicked- I don't know why but "look at a pamphlet" made me laugh.

;D

[amaristella]

Oct 25, 2012 20:19:09 GMT -5 thegooser said:

He's made promises he couldn't keep, such as saying "after this deployment we'll be a family again" and he generally seems to mislead her.

Not to pick on you really, but I just want to put this out there that the Navy as a whole seems to make an unpleasant habit of just this. I don't even think it's on purpose. I think that maybe they allow themselves to be overly optimistic.

Earlier this year we had DH's CO in an FRG meeting saying how things were going to seem a little better once the boat got out of the shipyard. Fast forward a couple months and that same CO is writing in the newsletter how (paraphrased) the families really need to build up a tolerance for under ways.

To me it's sort of the corollary to "hurry up and wait" that "pretty soon things will be better."

[nsl]

Oct 25, 2012 20:19:09 GMT -5 thegooser said:

Oct 25, 2012 20:00:53 GMT -5 beans said:

thats all well and good, but the thing is, she's taking her anger out on her H. Which is never good or healthy. And she's being a total crapface about it.

Well, I think he's a huge contributing factor as to why she has unrealistic expectations. He's made promises he couldn't keep, such as saying "after this deployment we'll be a family again" and he generally seems to mislead her. He also totally bait and switched her from courtship to marriage, lol. I'd probably be resentful too.

I do hear you that she should find a productive way to deal with her frustration. I think they're in this now and with a baby no less and they both need to adjust their expectations regarding separation. But I don't think she's a jerk or anything.

Big ditto here. Honestly, you all were unnecessarily cruel to her. She has a newborn and her H is getting deployed twice within a twelve-month period. Most of us would lose it if we got that news unexpectedly too. Her comments about being liberal = disliking the military didn't sit well with me either as a liberal myself, but honestly I'd be feeling pretty damn resentful towards the armed forces myself in her shoes.

Frankly, I've had a baby while my husband was deployed. It sucked monkey balls. I was always tired, always stressed, and even with a great local support system that I'd built up over the five years we'd lived here at that point (which, keep in mind, it doesn't sound like she has) I resented the hell out of my H and the Army at times. I remember singing the "One Day More" song in my head literally every single morning in the shower, just to remind myself that this situation was temporary. It sounds like she's done the exact same thing, only to have the rug pulled out from under her with the news that he's leaving again. Should she be taking this out on her H? No. It's not his fault. Is she a horrible person or even really obnoxious for doing so? Hardly. They need counseling, not snarky comments.

[panicked]

Oct 25, 2012 21:04:47 GMT -5 nsl said:

Oct 25, 2012 20:19:09 GMT -5 thegooser said:

Well, I think he's a huge contributing factor as to why she has unrealistic expectations. He's made promises he couldn't keep, such as saying "after this deployment we'll be a family again" and he generally seems to mislead her. He also totally bait and switched her from courtship to marriage, lol. I'd probably be resentful too.

I do hear you that she should find a productive way to deal with her frustration. I think they're in this now and with a baby no less and they both need to adjust their expectations regarding separation. But I don't think she's a jerk or anything.

Big ditto here. Honestly, you all were unnecessarily cruel to her. She has a newborn and her H is getting deployed twice within a twelve-month period. Most of us would lose it if we got that news unexpectedly too. Her comments about being liberal = disliking the military didn't sit well with me either as a liberal myself, but honestly I'd be feeling pretty damn resentful towards the armed forces myself in her shoes.

Frankly, I've had a baby while my husband was deployed. It sucked monkey balls. I was always tired, always stressed, and even with a great local support system that I'd built up over the five years we'd lived here at that point (which, keep in mind, it doesn't sound like she has) I resented the hell out of my H and the Army at times. I remember singing the "One Day More" song in my head literally every single morning in the shower, just to remind myself that this situation was temporary. It sounds like she's done the exact same thing, only to have the rug pulled out from under her with the news that he's leaving again. Should she be taking this out on her H? No. It's not his fault. Is she a horrible person or even really obnoxious for doing so? Hardly. They need counseling, not snarky comments.

I think the majority of us have nothing but empathy and sympathy for her situation. We all know how difficult it is when a spouse is away, especially when you add a child to the mix. It's not that we're being mean for the sake of being mean; she needs to understand that the spouses who get out and get involved often fair better than those who consistently blame and fault others for their situation. My problem is that she is making statements like " I have no experience or interest really in the military and therefore had no idea what I was really getting myself into. " She's saying that she didn't want to learn anything about her new life and is now pissed that the hearsay wasn't accurate. Sorry, but the blame rests on her for that.

[beans]

Cruel? I did not see anyone cruel in that post. I have been around long enough to know that. Snark, perhaps. Cruel? no way! Have we all gone soft?!

She comes in, first post out of the gate being ass-y, and to be frank, pissy about the military life she couldn't care less to find out about. Then she gets bitten in the ass for not bothering to find out about it. Should her H have promised that? No? Did he think he could promise that? Probably, unless he's a total jerk face, but I doubt it was an intentional "bait and switch." Possible, but not probable.

I probably would be somewhat down about hearing sad news like that, but the thing is- I know what to expect with this life, and that I can't ever expect anything to be 100% true and predictable. Needs of the military and all that, and those needs change a lot. Even when I was barely dating H I knew that was true. She seemed content to hide her head in the sand about reality, and that is both her and her H's fault.

ETA - and no one tried to argue with her that she should be patriotic. She came out of the gate with that too, so I don't know why people in this post are bringing it up like we tried to argue that with her. I've not once seen that argument on TN/B/GBCN.

EETA - if she presented herself differently in this post it would have been received differently. Plenty of women come and vent about things like this and don't get flamed.

[amaristella]

Fine. You guys are making me be the one to say it.

We're so mean but so far NOT ONE person has said anything about using paragraphs. For us, that's pretty damn nice.

[panicked]

Oct 25, 2012 21:49:54 GMT -5 amaristella said:

Fine. You guys are making me be the one to say it.

We're so mean but so far NOT ONE person has said anything about using paragraphs. For us, that's pretty damn nice.

If we don't all jump on spelling and grammar, you KNOW the post is bad!

[doombunny]

Definitely feeling Stan on this one, but I genuinely felt sorry for the girl... up to the point where she loses me at the "liberals hate the military" garbage. I'm as liberal as it gets, that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the military, their service, the tough lifestyle, and I go so far as to wonder what she thinks her life would be like if we *didn't* have an awesome military that could kick anyones hindquarters within an inch of Jupiters orbit.

That aside... I married into the USMC very young, had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into, so I can empathize with her. I have no idea how old she was, but its a huge mistake to jump into having a baby right away. She had no idea what her husbands job was, she doesn't understand why the military works him the way they do, they even "courted" long distance. Is it so hard to NOT procreate for the first few years while you're getting to know one another as spouses? Adding a baby does not necessarilly = happier home. Babies are stressful!

And if she doesn't like living alone, is there reason she can't return home where she's comfortable and has friends? Its not always an option, but I just see a lot of "woe is me" whining going on... when she made the bed she's now sleeping in. Her husband can't change that for her, which is what she seems to be expecting. "Maybe this time he won't deploy again!" Sweetie, if you're thinking that, you're likely wrong. There is ALWAYS a new commitment around the corner with military service (doubtful I have to say that on *this* board).

To be frank about it, unless she learns to respect and deal with her husbands duty/job (even if she can't respect the military itself), I really don't see it lasting long term. Which is a shame, what with a munchkin being involved now.

Of course, that's all just IMO.

[cizzle]

Oct 25, 2012 20:24:50 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

She's probably naive, and he's probably a douche. I give this marriage 9 months.

I was thinking she doesn't like the bright bulb in the pack.

For God's sake, it's once IN a lifetime, not once AND a lifetime!! She wrote that twice, sheesh.

[twodogsandababy]

I have a sneaking suspicion her husband is in the same command as my husband. While there are a lot of people upset about the ship's schedule, we all know there is nothing we can do about it. (At least the logical ones do!) It was pretty shocking to find out they were deploying again so quickly, but we knew nothing was guaranteed.

Either way, her post is annoying and that attitude seems to be pretty common around here. It gets real old, real fast.

[hike]

Yikes.

I met H when he was on shore duty and I really had no military life experience. He was recruiting so we didn't live near a base or anything. It's not easy and it definitely wasn't easy spending my whole pregnancy with him gone but it is what it is. It's our current life and we make the most of it.

I didn't realize since I voted for Obama I shouldn't be proud of my husband's job.