Talking about Heaven with young children

[meshaliuknits]

I think you did ok. PTS might come back with a new question or worry, but I think you're handling it just fine.

After my mother died I had a similar conversation with a friend except I was Cate. I hope I didn't upset Wendy or her mom.

[iammalcolmx]

I agree with Mesh here. What a difficult conversation to have especially with your daughter is worried.

[Deleted]

I think you addressed it the best you could! Tough conversation.

[Melissa W.]

I think you handled it well. (Of course, I say similar things to my girls). It is a really hard concept and I think no matter what we say they will always have more questions.

[SallyJ]

I think death is difficult to discuss with young children because they are so tangible and matter of fact. We are atheist, so not sure if any of this will help except maybe you could know what Cate's parents told her (assuming they are atheist if she thinks 'heaven is in your head'). FWIW if my kids ask about heaven or reincarnation, I tell them that some people believe that's what happens not that it's wrong.

My dad just passed in January and my children are now both 4. He was in the ICU and we weren't allowed to take the kids up to see him. The night before my dad passed, Cooper told me 'Mommy I have to see grandpa. He NEEDS me to see him.' I cried that night. And cried harder the next morning because it was too late to take him to see Grandpa.

I had the hardest conversation I've every had with my children. Something like this:
'You remember how much fun we had with grandpa a couple days ago? We went over his house and played and talked to him. We love him so much and had so much fun.

You know that grandpa was very sick. He went to the hospital so the doctors could try to help him. But he was too sick and the doctors couldn't help him anymore. Grandpa died. That means that when we saw him a couple days ago that is the last time we got to see him or talk to him. We won't be able to see him anymore, but we will always remember all the fun things we did with grandpa.

And mommy might be sad for awhile and cry. It's okay if you are sad too, or need to cry, need to cuddle or need to talk. I love you.'

They no joke repeated everything word for word to all their little friends at school and even their teacher. We continue to read the book about being sad and it helps give them words. They walked around for about a month saying 'Grandpa died, we can't see him anymore and we're sad.' They don't talk about it much anymore other than to say 'You used to have a dad, right mommy?' and I explain that I still have a dad but that he died.

[lazyaw]

I think you've handled well. The only thing I wouldn't have said is that we all go to heaven after we die, because I don't believe that

My son is four and already started asking us what heaven is. I tried not to dumb it down and was pretty honest. Everyone dies, but God has chosen a special group of people to live with Him forever. Anyone who has faith in Jesus is part of that chosen group. This of course made him ask what Heaven is like. I was honest and said that I don't know and that no one knows because you have to die to see it. I asked him what his favorite thing to do is and his favorite place to be. When he answered I told him that heaven would be like those things, but even better.

This conversation happened months ago and every now and then (usually after a discussion about death, like "don't run in the street or you could get hit by a car and die" or "stop strangling your brother because he could die") he will get really upset and say he doesn't want to go to Heaven alone. He is worried that DH and I won't be there with him. I just try my best to reassure him that he doesn't have to worry about that because DH and I love Jesus and will die long before him, so we'll be waiting for him in Heaven.

We haven't had to deal with someone questioning our faith to our children yet. If it did happen I would simply say, "Some people believe that there is no Heaven. We believe that there is a Heaven because ____________. What do you believe?"

As far as my children fearing that they won't have a mother once I die, I think I would bring it back around to my faith. I would tell them that while I physically may no longer be there with them, I will exist in Heaven and will always be with them. I would tell them that they are lucky to have their Nana, Papa, Dee Dee, Woh Woh and all of their aunts and uncles who would take care of them if I couldn't.

[lazyaw]

May 22, 2012 10:53:07 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

*eta*
Is there a good children's book about this? There must be. Right?

It's called the Bible. They are never too young for it

[2vermont]

May 22, 2012 16:03:35 GMT -5 @lazyaw said:

I think you've handled well. The only thing I wouldn't have said is that we all go to heaven after we die, because I don't believe that

I agree with you wrt your belief about Heaven; however, I have a funny feeling I could see myself saying something like SBP said...simply because I would think that the child may be too young to understand it. Over time as they got older, I would probably better explain things about getting into Heaven from a Catholic perspective.

Oh..and btw Hi! Good to see you again!

[vccake]

My mom died recently and she was soooo close to my son. It's been suck ass. I use the "what do YOU think" a LOT. So if he asks "Is grandma in heaven watching me?" and I ask him "What do you think?" He 100% sure she is watching him (and this makes me happy) so I just say, "That sounds good, honey -- I think she is also watching you."

I'm not religious but I'm open to lots of possibilities and I think asking your kid what they think death or heaven might be might give you some direction on how to guide them further.

[meshaliuknits]

H's nephew got "I Miss You" when his great grandfather died. I can't say if it helped or not, but there are books out there.

www.amazon.com/Miss-You-First-Look-Death/dp/0764117645/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337725583&sr=1-1

[Rainy Night in Soho]

Talk to the funeral home. They should have a bereavement counselor & they should have book recommendations & even a coloring book (my aunt- a nun- was one for a while). Also tell her how lucky she was to have a great-grandmother who loved her so much- and if she gets sad, to remember how much she loved her & to say a quick prayer of thanks.

How old is your daughter?

And if you are Catholic- please do not tell her heaven is just for the chosen few (that is not what Catholics believe).

[druidp]

See, these are the things I pray about - "God, please help me provide the answer to the kids You would say when they are learning about life and the hardships of it..."

I've equated the whole "you believe in Heaven and it isn't real" argument with other stuff the kids can already grasp:

"Mom, my friend E says the Hulk is the best Avenger, and I'm wrong when I say Captain America is!"

"Well, do you really believe Captain America IS the best Avenger?"

"Yes, because he's the bravest and he's good and he's the leader!"

"Well, E may think the Hulk is the best because of those reasons, or even different ones. It's his choice to believe that, just like it's your choice to believe Captain America is THE Best Avenger. Right?"

"Yeah - so next time I'll just tell him he can think the Hulk is the best Avenger, but I still think Captain America is the best!"


It's juvenile, and it's about stuff that isn't real... but since people don't think God is real, meh.

I've also guided the kids to focus on memories of those who have passed. Although they can't be with us in the room, we remember them and keep them in our minds and hearts, so they aren't wholly gone forever.

[2vermont]

May 22, 2012 19:12:41 GMT -5 Rainy Night in Soho said:

Talk to the funeral home. They should have a bereavement counselor & they should have book recommendations & even a coloring book (my aunt- a nun- was one for a while). Also tell her how lucky she was to have a great-grandmother who loved her so much- and if she gets sad, to remember how much she loved her & to say a quick prayer of thanks.

How old is your daughter?

And if you are Catholic- please do not tell her heaven is just for the chosen few (that is not what Catholics believe).

This is what the Catechism states re: Heaven

1026 By his death and Resurrection, Jesus Christ has "opened" heaven to us. The life of the blessed consists in the full and perfect possession of the fruits of the redemption accomplished by Christ. He makes partners in his heavenly glorification those who have believed in him and remained faithful to his will. Heaven is the blessed community of all who are perfectly incorporated into Christ.

This would appear to contradict the above, but the key word is "may":

846 How are we to understand this affirmation ["Outside the Church there is no salvation"], often repeated by the Church Fathers?335 Re-formulated positively, it means that all salvation comes from Christ the Head through the Church which is his Body:


Basing itself on Scripture and Tradition, the Council teaches that the Church, a pilgrim now on earth, is necessary for salvation: the one Christ is the mediator and the way of salvation; he is present to us in his body which is the Church. He himself explicitly asserted the necessity of faith and Baptism, and thereby affirmed at the same time the necessity of the Church which men enter through Baptism as through a door. Hence they could not be saved who, knowing that the Catholic Church was founded as necessary by God through Christ, would refuse either to enter it or to remain in it.336

847 This affirmation is not aimed at those who, through no fault of their own, do not know Christ and his Church:


Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the Gospel of Christ or his Church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and, moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their conscience - those too may achieve eternal salvation.337

848 "Although in ways known to himself God can lead those who, through no fault of their own, are ignorant of the Gospel, to that faith without which it is impossible to please him, the Church still has the obligation and also the sacred right to evangelize all men."338

[2vermont]

May 23, 2012 9:47:20 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Anyway, I want to try to avoid the debate about whether all people go to heaven. I'm honestly not sure what I believe on that front, but I think sending PTS to school with the knowledge that her friend Cate *may* go to Hell where she will spend an eternity in unimaginable suffering is the parenting etiquette equivalent of Cate's parents sending her to school armed with the knowledge that I will die one day and PTS won't have a mommy anymore because Heaven is all in her head. I.e. it's a shitty thing to do to kids who can't possibly comprehend those topics or discuss them rationally.

So for now, PTS gets to think that everyone "gets invited" and anyone who wants to can go. That's not entirely untrue or against the Catechism.

I agree with you that this topic can be way over the little kids' heads....and I also think it's a great idea (and not contrary to Church teaching) to teach that all are invited. I'm thinking there is also a Bible story/parable that deals wth this very idea.

[lazyaw]

I would just avoid the Parable of the Wedding Banquet, Parable of the Sower, Parable of the Weeds, Parable of the Net, and the many others that talk about how not everyone goes to Heaven.

I'm a firm believer that when it comes to faith, it's best to be honest with children. They are smarter than they look and can spot inconsistency and hypocrisy pretty easily. If you spend your life telling them everyone gets to Heaven, regardless of what they believe, you may have a hard time getting them to understand what you really do believe when you think they are at the magical age to handle the truth. I think that this kind of pussyfooting around the Gospel can do spiritual damage to your child and confuse them in the future.

Now, if you believe everyone goes to Heaven (I didn't know Catholics believe that), then that's a different thing. I just wouldn't teach them something now and let them get used to the idea only to have you as a parent, or their Sunday school teacher, or their pastor/priest completely contradict it one day.

[2vermont]

May 23, 2012 15:38:11 GMT -5 @lazyaw said:

I would just avoid the Parable of the Wedding Banquet, Parable of the Sower, Parable of the Weeds, Parable of the Net, and the many others that talk about how not everyone goes to Heaven.

I'm a firm believer that when it comes to faith, it's best to be honest with children. They are smarter than they look and can spot inconsistency and hypocrisy pretty easily. If you spend your life telling them everyone gets to Heaven, regardless of what they believe, you may have a hard time getting them to understand what you really do believe when you think they are at the magical age to handle the truth. I think that this kind of pussyfooting around the Gospel can do spiritual damage to your child and confuse them in the future.

Now, if you believe everyone goes to Heaven (I didn't know Catholics believe that), then that's a different thing. I just wouldn't teach them something now and let them get used to the idea only to have you as a parent, or their Sunday school teacher, or their pastor/priest completely contradict it one day.

There are Catholics that believe this, but it is not Catholic teaching. See my post regarding Church teaching. I think the perception in the Church these days is that it doesn't matter what faith you follow, but it is not traditional Catholic teaching.

Anyway, I think SBP said she is tellign her kids that all are invited...this is true. All *are* invited....not all accept and not all remain faithful.

[lazyaw]

May 23, 2012 15:42:57 GMT -5 2vermont said:

There are Catholics that believe this, but it is not Catholic teaching. See my post regarding Church teaching. I think the perception in the Church these days is that it doesn't matter what faith you follow, but it is not traditional Catholic teaching.

Anyway, I think SBP said she is tellign her kids that all are invited...this is true. All *are* invited....not all accept and not all remain faithful.

I see, 2V. I think that this is something being taught in most Protestant churches as well - that it doesn't matter what faith you follow. It's indicative of what is happening to Christianity in our culture.

I guess we disagree on the invitation part. It's the Calvinist in me. A truly omnipotent and omniscient God, IMO, chooses. To believe otherwise gives people too much power. These are huge concepts that are hard for even some adults to wrap their minds around (total depravity, the nature of God vs. man, unconditional election, etc.), but I plan to to address these topics honestly as my children bring them up. I'm continually amazed at how easily kids can learn and retain information.

I have thought before about what will happen when some of my family members that my children know are not Christians die and how I will handle this when my children ask me if I believe they are in Heaven. Ugh.

[2vermont]

May 23, 2012 16:06:07 GMT -5 @lazyaw said:

May 23, 2012 15:42:57 GMT -5 2vermont said:

There are Catholics that believe this, but it is not Catholic teaching. See my post regarding Church teaching. I think the perception in the Church these days is that it doesn't matter what faith you follow, but it is not traditional Catholic teaching.

Anyway, I think SBP said she is tellign her kids that all are invited...this is true. All *are* invited....not all accept and not all remain faithful.

I see, 2V. I think that this is something being taught in most Protestant churches as well - that it doesn't matter what faith you follow. It's indicative of what is happening to Christianity in our culture.

I guess we disagree on the invitation part. It's the Calvinist in me. A truly omnipotent and omniscient God, IMO, chooses. To believe otherwise gives people too much power. These are huge concepts that are hard for even some adults to wrap their minds around (total depravity, the nature of God vs. man, unconditional election, etc.), but I plan to to address these topics honestly as my children bring them up. I'm continually amazed at how easily kids can learn and retain information.

I have thought before about what will happen when some of my family members that my children know are not Christians die and how I will handle this when my children ask me if I believe they are in Heaven. Ugh.

I know we'll just go back and forth on this but my response to the omnipotent God is that He is also loving and merciful. Out of love He would want to give everyone a chance. He may already know who will deny Him, but he offers salvation to all. Christ died for all....not all will accept Him.

[lazyaw]

May 23, 2012 16:17:56 GMT -5 2vermont said:

May 23, 2012 16:06:07 GMT -5 @lazyaw said:

I see, 2V. I think that this is something being taught in most Protestant churches as well - that it doesn't matter what faith you follow. It's indicative of what is happening to Christianity in our culture.

I guess we disagree on the invitation part. It's the Calvinist in me. A truly omnipotent and omniscient God, IMO, chooses. To believe otherwise gives people too much power. These are huge concepts that are hard for even some adults to wrap their minds around (total depravity, the nature of God vs. man, unconditional election, etc.), but I plan to to address these topics honestly as my children bring them up. I'm continually amazed at how easily kids can learn and retain information.

I have thought before about what will happen when some of my family members that my children know are not Christians die and how I will handle this when my children ask me if I believe they are in Heaven. Ugh.

I know we'll just go back and forth on this but my response to the omnipotent God is that He is also loving and merciful. Out of love He would want to give everyone a chance. He may already know who will deny Him, but he offers salvation to all. Christ died for all....not all will accept Him.

No need for the back and forth. I respect what you believe. I think I've posted before how I can believe God is loving and merciful while still having a chosen people. We can just agree to disagree and focus on the theological beliefs we have in common, which include that Christ is the only way to Heaven.

[GailGoldie]

you're doing fine. crap, it's something nobody really knows about- so it's hard for adults to even explain it and understand it.

I tell my son a lot of "i don't know"s... let him know that "nobody really knows, but lots of people THINK that...".

We've had the heaven discussion for a long time b/c Greg's dad and brother both passed about 10 years ago, so once Griffin started asking "who is daddy's daddy?" he learned about heaven. Thankfully none of his friends have said anything about it... other kids can really screw things up!

[Deleted]

I think you did a good job trying to explain things. From what I've read it is important to use he word "dead" and let them be sad be reassuring her that you and her dad are there for her is important. My parents also told us where we would go if something happened to them (with dad's sister), so we knew there would always be someone there for us.