Please don't turn this into an "I don't love SD"

[Deleted]

thread...

SD got mad at us so she went back to her mom's house on Sunday night.

I was supposed to pick her up from school yesterday. As I was leaving the door she texted me saying she was going back to the town her mom lives. She has a friend that lives in same area that both her mother and I don't like and think is a bad influence. Her mother went as far as to ban her from going to her friend's house. Respecting that DH and I refused to let her go to friend's house this weekend, but we did allow friend to come over for a couple hours on Saturday. SD's mom's sisters partner died of a heart attack on Sunday and mom went out of town to help sister. SD told her step-dad that we were okay with her hanging out with friend so he let her go over to friend's house yesterday. I touched base with him and said no, we've been chaperoning, etc. He rushed over to friend's house so SD only had about 15 minutes there.

SD apparently told her stepdad that I'm picking her up today, even though she hasn't asked me for a ride yet and it is 11:30.

I didn't plan to pick her up today since she hasn't asked. School gets out for her at 3:10.

DS1 has a play at school today at 3pm. SD's school is 45 minutes away from DS's school.

DS2 has reading group after school until 4pm.

DS2 has tennis in our 'hood at 5pm.
DS1 has tennis at 6pm.

SD also told her stepfather that she has a piano lesson tonight. I thought piano ended last week. If SD has piano her lesson is across town at 5:45.

I don't want to ditch DS1's play to go get her. He's so excited about it. Yet I don't trust SD to sit and wait at school.

[SusanBAnthony]

I would call step dad and fill him in on the situation. I assume that unless his job is super-rigid, he would be able to go pick her up and supervise her for the afternoon?

IDK, the whole thing sounds like a communication clusterfuck. Not saying you are responsible, btw. But the schedule should not be changing around willy nilly, and all 4 parents should be knowing exactly who is picking her up, when, and which set of parents is responsible for her at any given time.

[Deleted]

Her stepdad's text to me was "She's all yours".....

[CloudBee]

"SD got mad at us so she went back to her mom's house on Sunday night."

Is this common with step kids? I have no children, but my gut tells me there's no way I would leave them leave just because they were mad at me. Why was she allowed to do that?

I think you need to call her step dad and explain your schedule, and that she has not relayed hers.

[ecupirate04]

It sounds like she is playing all of you against each other so she can do what she wants.

[CloudBee]

May 22, 2012 11:42:10 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Her stepdad's text to me was "She's all yours".....

Ugh, that's frustrating.

You say you don't trust her hanging out at school for a few hours. Why? I think at this rate, I would rather risk her getting into a little trouble (not likely, right?) than change my plans for the afternoon to accommodate.

As a kid I would have found hanging out at school for a few hours after the fact, to be pure torture. I would sure as heck keep my parents in the loop about my schedule going forward.

[Deleted]

Sounds like SD is playing the system, so she can hand out with ms. Bad influence. She's telling SF one thing & you another so she can do whatever she pleases. I would call the school, & dee if there is some sort of study hall she can sit in until you can pick her up.

[Deleted]

May 22, 2012 11:43:36 GMT -5 ecupirate04 said:

It sounds like she is playing all of you against each other so she can do what she wants.

She absolutely is. She came over because she was mad at her mother.

[stephogirl]

I'm not sure what to tell you re: picking up SD, but I wouldn't want to miss the play either. Is there another friend she could go home with? Could she go to the library/computer lab until you're able to pick her up? Could you call the school and leave a message for her that she is to do X until you pick her up?

Tough situation.

[CloudBee]

May 22, 2012 11:45:09 GMT -5 @septimus said:

May 22, 2012 11:43:36 GMT -5 ecupirate04 said:

It sounds like she is playing all of you against each other so she can do what she wants.

She absolutely is. She came over because she was mad at her mother.

Why do you guys let her bounce from house to house, just because she's mad at the other parent? How does that help anything?

[miss1991]

May 22, 2012 11:42:10 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Her stepdad's text to me was "She's all yours".....

This is crap. He is just as responsible for her as you are. I would call him and tell him this is the situation and you need to help.

Otherwise something will have to give.

[Deleted]

May 22, 2012 11:47:44 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I don't think this has anything to do with you loving / not loving SD. She is displaying typical (poor) teenage behavior and I agree she is playing all of you and definitely has a lot of maturing to do.

If you didn't pick her up, is your fear that she will instead hang out with her undesirable friend? I know at my high school we could study / use the library pretty late in the day until maybe 5 or 6. Missing the piano lesson seems like it would be a bit of punishment for her not making plans earlier.

This is super tough. I would definitely not want to miss your son's play though it sets a bad precedent. Does SD have any friend's parents you trust that could help you? Have you heard from her yet?

SD is at a new school. She's only been there a few months and I don't know any other parents there.

I don't trust her to wait at school. She's already told me she and the bad friend have taken the bus downtown and hung out with homeless people. She doesn't keep her cell phone charged and I have no way of really reaching her.

[Ashley&Scott]

The four of you need to stop letting her play you against each other. IMO she should be punished for fibbing to step father about bad friend. She knows she isn't allowed to go over there.

I also completely agree with Cloud Bee she shouldn't be allowed to leave mom/dad's house just because she's mad at mom/dad.

As for today, tell step father you can't pick her up today. It's not fair to DS to miss his play because SD has poor planning.

[zeewifeandmama]

Wait, she hasn't asked you for a ride yet....well, if she had asked what would you have said? Is her step father completely washing his hands of this situation...as in you cannot ask him for help?

[Deleted]

May 22, 2012 11:52:30 GMT -5 zeewifeandmama said:

Wait, she hasn't asked you for a ride yet....well, if she had asked what would you have said? Is her step father completely washing his hands of this situation...as in you cannot ask him for help?

Stepdad is washing his hands of her.

She hasn't asked me for a ride yet and who knows if she is even expecting me since she doesn't keep her cell phone activated.

[6fsn]

If stepdad was supposed to pick her up I'd call him and let him know that you are unable to get her on this short notice. You have other obligations. If he can't or won't get her I'd leave her at school. If she doesn't stay she should be punished.

I'd also be looking at this back and forth thing.

I am not a stepparent so that's probably all easier said than done.

[satama]

I would let stepdad know you are not picking her up and ask him to get her. If he cant /wont,, then I would go to the play and tell her to wait for you in the school library and study /do her homework.

[Deleted]

How is she planning on getting to piano? Does she even have piano? I'd call the piano teacher first. It sounds like she's playing you all.

[Deleted]

May 22, 2012 11:57:22 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

How is she planning on getting to piano? Does she even have piano? I'd call the piano teacher first. It sounds like she's playing you all.

apparently she said I'm taking her to piano. Most weeks I do, but we always email before hand to confirm, etc.

[ECB]

Yeah- all the parental figures need to sit down and talk and get on the same page. And then you all need to stop taking her word for anything. Be in touch w/ each other more often or know the firm rules.

And I fully agree- she doesn't get to leave and go to the other house just because she's "mad" at one of you. That's ridiculous. If it's her time to be at your house, then she's at your house until it's time for her to go back to her moms. And vice versa.

She doesn't seem to have enough boundaries.

[vanillacourage]

Time to notify both bio parents and let them figure it out. Stepdad has washed his hands of her and you have legit other obligations (plus, you are not an on-demand cab service).

I know you posted the other day about thinking about quitting b/c you have to take your kids all over - if you do that, I can only see you being even more taken advantage of in situations like this.

[Deleted]

I think since the situation is getting out of control, and step dad isn't willing to help out, your H needs to go pick her up from school and have a talk with her. And then he needs to get on the same page with SD's mom. This isn't about not loving her--she's acting out right now by using you against each other and she needs to know that its not ok. Your H shouldn't leave this all on you either, especially when you have other kids with things going on.

[nonsenseabound]

What about your nanny? Can you have her pick up SD and make her come and sit at home?

I agree with other posters, time for the parents to sit down and set the rules. None of this I want to go to mom or dad house because I'm mad at the other parent. Also, set up rules for pick up and drop off from school and I would definitely have some sort of penalty for lying. It should be consistent. She is definitely playing you all against each other.

For the record, I would be irate if my DH decided that this was my problem. I know your DH has a busy schedule, but this is his kid and she will likely play the your not my mom card if you try an enforce the rule.

[onomatopoeia]

May 22, 2012 11:36:32 GMT -5 @septimus said:

thread...


SD apparently told her stepdad that I'm picking her up today, even though she hasn't asked me for a ride yet and it is 11:30.

I didn't plan to pick her up today since she hasn't asked. School gets out for her at 3:10.

DS1 has a play at school today at 3pm. SD's school is 45 minutes away from DS's school.

DS2 has reading group after school until 4pm.

DS2 has tennis in our 'hood at 5pm.
DS1 has tennis at 6pm.

SD also told her stepfather that she has a piano lesson tonight. I thought piano ended last week. If SD has piano her lesson is across town at 5:45.

It sounds like she's set the stage for herself to do something she's not supposed to be doing (going downtown?), telling different stories to different parents. I would find out of she really has piano first.

Can her dad pick her up?

[Deleted]

I agree that your DH needs to leave work, pick her up from school, & have a serious discussion with her. It seems she is pushing the boundaries to get attention. She didn't have to tell you about her trip downtown, but she did. She wants to be caught. DH needs to take this seriously & she needs to be punished for lying.

[keh2oblue]

I was a step-daughter at one time, but we had a very set schedule until I turned 16 and could drive myself. It sounds like you guys need a set calendar and stick to it regardless of what SD thinks or feels. As for tonight, can she take a bus, walk home or have your DH pick her up? Otherwise, can she just stay at school?

[Ashley&Scott]

May 22, 2012 13:04:26 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

I agree that your DH needs to leave work, pick her up from school, & have a serious discussion with her. It seems she is pushing the boundaries to get attention. She didn't have to tell you about her trip downtown, but she did. She wants to be caught. DH needs to take this seriously & she needs to be punished for lying.

After seeing your update I totally agree with this.

[Deleted]

ugh. I can't get ahold of DH at work.

[noodleoo]

i don't know, I think this sounds like you choosing between something you WANT to do and something you know you SHOULD be doing.

You WANT to see your son's play. You don't want to miss it.

Your know you SHOULD pick up your SD. I'm just worried because what if she goes downtown and gets into some kind of trouble? Could you live with yourself knowing that happened because you chose to see your own son's play vs. picking up your husband's daughter? I don't know how old she is or any of the details, but this seems like a safety issue. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but based on what you said, I'm scared for her. Maybe she deserves it, but she's still a child and you shoudl be making sure she's safe.

[barefootcontessa]

It is too long for me to follow all the details, but why doesn't your DH take some of the driving responsibility for her? It seems unfair that all of this falls on you, all the time.