If you have experience with PPD, come in

[biscoffcookies]

DD is 6 months. Because DD is perhaps the world's worst sleeper, up until about 2 weeks ago I was lucky to get 5 hours of broken sleep a night (and often only got 3 or 4; nights of 2 or less occurred with some frequency). Naps for me were unheard of because of DD's poor naps and my inability to shut down my brain on those rare instances where DH or someone can watch her. So I know that at this point I am pretty much at my limit of mental and emotional exhaustion, and that is likely making me more emotional than usual. But I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is just exhaustion or something more.

There are days -- particularly after a relatively good nights' sleep -- where I feel calm, in control, and happy. But then there are the days where I am just so unhappy and just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel (DD is sleeping a little better, but even after a month of sleep training she is still waking up multiple times a night, and I'm having an awful time getting to sleep even when she is sleeping because I am so anxious and stressed about being so tired, about my recent return to work, about DD's sleep habits, about her impending start at daycare, etc. etc. etc.) Big ugly cries are not uncommon for me; this morning I started hyperventalating in the shower because I just could not fathom having to keep going to work in this level of exhaustion.

I love my daughter and want to take wonderful care of her, and there have been some great parts of having her (her smile lights up a room, and it has been great watching her grow and develop). But I have on multiple occasions thought to myself that it was a bad decision to have a baby. That has typically been at my lowest, most exhausted, emotionally strung-out points, but at the same time, I don't remember ever thinking "This is wonderful, I'm so glad I'm a mom." (Meanwhile, I feel awful and guilty and like a terrible parent that I have ever felt less than thrilled and blessed to have DD, because what kind of parent thinks like that?)

DH thinks that it is just exhaustion because I *do* have the good days -- he thinks if it were PPD I'd be unhappy pretty much all the time. Part of me wants to get checked out for PPD just in case (because why continue like this if I don't have to) but I don't know how to start. Do I talk to my OB/GYN first and see if they have a referral to a therapist?

[fluff]

I had severe PPA hit me at around 4 months PP. I called my OB, she saw me within the hour, put me on Zoloft and, after two weeks, I felt so much better. I do see a therapist to work with coping mechanisms, but I think calling your OB would be the first step.

[dcrunnergirl]

Please talk to your OB. It sounds like PPD. I didn't realize at the time that I had PPD but now, coming out on the other side, I realize I did and so wish I had talked to someone. I had a really hard during the first 7 months, and I had tons of thoughts about what a horrible decision I made about having kids, how could I have been so stupid to ruin my life, and how can I get out of this situation (like I seriously thought about getting on a bus and running away). I was really angry all that time and just didn't find any enjoyment in being a mom. I so wish I could go back and have told my DH and OB about these feelings. There is so much they can do to help you.

[biscoffcookies]

May 22, 2012 12:24:48 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

Please talk to your OB. It sounds like PPD. I didn't realize at the time that I had PPD but now, coming out on the other side, I realize I did and so wish I had talked to someone. I had a really hard during the first 7 months, and I had tons of thoughts about what a horrible decision I made about having kids, how could I have been so stupid to ruin my life, and how can I get out of this situation (like I seriously thought about getting on a bus and running away). I was really angry all that time and just didn't find any enjoyment in being a mom. I so wish I could go back and have told my DH and OB about these feelings. There is so much they can do to help you.

This is very similar to the thoughts I've been having on bad days. I just thought that it might be normal to think like that sometimes because having a baby is hard and exhausting for pretty much everyone? I didn't want whoever I saw to be like, "Um, yeah, the way you are feeling is called being a parent...get out of here, whiner."

[oregonpachey]

In my unprofessional opinion, it sounds like you have PPD.

Here is my story: I was diagnosed at 6 months PP. I wish I had seen the doctor sooner but I thought my issues were just normal for being a first time mom. My son had severe reflux, feeding issues and sleeping issues.

I was exhausted. I had issues BF'ing and was not supported by family.

I had days where I wish I could give my baby back. I dreaded picking him up from daycare because I didn't want to have to deal with him. I thought I made a huge mistake becoming a mom.

Please talk to your OB. Exhaustion and fussy babies is very taxing and can make anyone depressed.

PM me if you have any more questions.

[dcrunnergirl]

May 22, 2012 12:31:31 GMT -5 biscoffcookies said:

May 22, 2012 12:24:48 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

Please talk to your OB. It sounds like PPD. I didn't realize at the time that I had PPD but now, coming out on the other side, I realize I did and so wish I had talked to someone. I had a really hard during the first 7 months, and I had tons of thoughts about what a horrible decision I made about having kids, how could I have been so stupid to ruin my life, and how can I get out of this situation (like I seriously thought about getting on a bus and running away). I was really angry all that time and just didn't find any enjoyment in being a mom. I so wish I could go back and have told my DH and OB about these feelings. There is so much they can do to help you.

This is very similar to the thoughts I've been having on bad days. I just thought that it might be normal to think like that sometimes because having a baby is hard and exhausting for pretty much everyone? I didn't want whoever I saw to be like, "Um, yeah, the way you are feeling is called being a parent...get out of here, whiner."

That's what I thought too--this must just be what all parents feel--but it's not. I mean, yeah, a lot of mom's may feel a bit like this but now I realize how dark my thoughts were and that they were beyond just normal feelings of adjustment, frustration, and exhaustion.

[kittycatlove]

Both my OB and Pedi did those tests to ask how you were feeling. I answered honestly and because of that, they were both concerned about me having PPD. I passed it off as first time mom stuff and tried to work through it on my own, but thank goodness my DH was very aware of what was going on. I definitely felt like leaving and never coming back. I went and talked to someone and that really helped me. I decided against taking anything and in hindsight, I probably should have as I would have been able to enjoy some of that time with DS that I can't get back now.

[onomatopoeia]

May 22, 2012 12:24:48 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

Please talk to your OB. It sounds like PPD. I didn't realize at the time that I had PPD but now, coming out on the other side, I realize I did and so wish I had talked to someone. I had a really hard during the first 7 months, and I had tons of thoughts about what a horrible decision I made about having kids, how could I have been so stupid to ruin my life, and how can I get out of this situation (like I seriously thought about getting on a bus and running away). I was really angry all that time and just didn't find any enjoyment in being a mom. I so wish I could go back and have told my DH and OB about these feelings. There is so much they can do to help you.

This. In my situation it was more feelings of inadequacy and constant anxiety, and for the longest time I looked at motherhood as a chore. A really important chore, but a chore. I didn't get much enjoyment out of it either and I still feel guilty thinking about the time of emotional connectivity I deprived myself and my son of by not seeking help. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I made it through to the other side in time, but it didn't have to be like that.

[welder'swife]

Sounds like PPD. Call your OB or even DD's pedi, just to get started somewhere in the system.

My story:
DD was a surprise pregnancy, but we were excited about it, bla bla bla.

We BF, bedshared (is that a word??), and babywore. DH worked nights, 14-hour days, 7 days a week. So I was basically on my own. I didn't sleep much--DD woke up (once she finally went to sleep) after 90 minutes, so I really didn't get much sleep. BFing while bedsharing did help. I did mention to my OB at my 6w pp appt that I was feeling really down and broke down crying, and she sent me straight to my doctor, who started me on Zoloft.

However, at 9mos, DD was getting her top teeth in, and on this particular day, she kept biting me while nursing, and was fussing all day. DH was out mowing the lawn, and I was just 'I am done'. I called him inside to watch DD, got in the truck and left. I left my cell phone at home so he couldn't call me. I went to every*single* railroad crossing in our town, crisscrossing the tracks for the next 30 minutes, ending up two towns away from home. I was waiting for an oncoming train, and I was going to park my truck on the tracks and end it all. I ended up, by following the train tracks, outside my doctor's office. Surprise, surprise, it was 5 minutes before her office closed. I went inside, and when she saw me, she called an ambulance to take me to the ER, and from there I was sent to a psych ward two hours away, where I spent the next week in a rubber-walled room.

Now, DD is 2.5. I have gradually decreased all the meds I've been on. I am now down to half of the Zoloft I was taking, completely off Abilify, and down to a half of the smallest dose they offer of Xanax. I also have biweekly therapy appts and see a psychiatrist once monthly, as well as several chiropractic appts a week (I know it sounds hippie-ish, but being adjusted really helps with my mood). The hardest part for me was having to stop BFing DD at 9 mos (I planned on going to 2yrs) and stopping the bedsharing (while I was in the psych ward, DH switched her to a crib in her own room).

Please reach out to *someone*, whether it's your OB or DD's pedi. PPD sucks. It's hard enough being a mom, but to have PPD on top of it...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

(sorry this was such a long post!!)

[oukapu]

Don't focus on what it is called or if you have good days (yes, you can have good days with ppd). This is obviously affecting your life in a major way and you need to talk to your doctor about it so you can feel better.

I told myself that all my negative emotions for months while I was pregnant were normal. After Emily came, I realized how low I had gotten. I swore I would watch for ppd and made my husband tell me if I wasn't me. I went back to work at 3.5 months and was feeling pretty good up to that point. To be expected. Then two weeks after I went back, it went downhill. I remember driving home wanting to crash my car so I could get away from the intense negative feelings. A crash that wasn't too serious but would keep me in the hospital for a few days away from everything. Life wasn't that bad, but the feelings were. Every time I planned to talk to my doctor I chickened out or felt better. I had good and bad days and thought the same thing as your husband. My husband urged me to talk to my doctor. At the suggestion of my husband, I stopped taking the bcp. I started cosleeping to get more sleep. I never saw the doctor. It was very hard to bring it up.

[biscoffcookies]

Thanks for all the replies. It's really helpful to hear that what I am feeling isn't normal mom stress and gave me the encouragement I needed to call my OB -- I'm waiting for her to call back.

DD slept really well last night and I managed to get a solid night's sleep in the first time in I can't remember how long, and I feel massively better (both physically and emotionally) this morning. However, I'm still going to talk to the OB, because I can't count on such good sleep. At the very least, I'm interested to see if there is an anti-anxiety or other type of medication (heck, maybe even Benadryl?) that I can take just for a really short time -- maybe like a week? -- to help me sleep at night. Maybe we can reevaluate to see if I need more treatment after I get to a slightly better rested place.

In any event, really, thank you all again.

[dcrunnergirl]

I'm so glad you called. That's the first step to feeling so much better!