WWYD: Men and their inappropriate relationships

[wrathofkuus]

I certainly wouldn't want to spend a lifetime, or even another week, with a guy who thought this kind of interaction was acceptable while he's in a relationship, whatever his intentions. If you have to premarital counsel a 40 year old man into knowing where the line of appropriate behavior with past flames is, then you've got yourself a dud.

I am raising my eyebrows at absolutely everything Reeve said here, most of all the underlying implication that men are all the same, like a pack of matches.

[mrshandy]

This is totally skeevy behavior and would definitely make me seriously question my FI.

I really don't understand why someone would bring that crap up. He will cheat on her someday, I have no doubt about that.

[2vermont]

I'm just wondering where Lanie is with her words of wisdom.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 15:08:26 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I certainly wouldn't want to spend a lifetime, or even another week, with a guy who thought this kind of interaction was acceptable while he's in a relationship, whatever his intentions. If you have to premarital counsel a 40 year old man into knowing where the line of appropriate behavior with past flames is, then you've got yourself a dud.

I am raising my eyebrows at absolutely everything Reeve said here, most of all the underlying implication that men are all the same, like a pack of matches.

Seeing as I am a man, and I know quite a few of them, I certainly don't think all men are the same lol. And if that was implied, it wasn't intentional. As I said, perhaps he is a cheater - none of us know his character so we cant say if this was a one off or regular, or anything really. All we can go in is what was written.

I think it would be wrong to write it off as nothing, but also wrong to treat it like a massive betrayal. It strikes me as inappropriate and childish, but then I think everyone is sometimes, and (depending on circumstances) allowances have to be made for peoples misjudgments. Otherwise no relationship will ever work. Without more info, I would file this in the "she should be concerned" file not the "Panic! Run Away! The End Is Nigh" file.

I was just giving the benefit of the doubt and giving a different opinion.

[wrathofkuus]

It was mostly your "men never get over anyone" response that I was talking about. It was... weird.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Kuus, I thought he was just saying that that saying was something he's heard before and wondered if it applied here. I didn't understand him to say he actually believed that himself.

[dev22]

May 11, 2012 11:46:57 GMT -5 @lcap said:

May 11, 2012 10:49:52 GMT -5 marie427 said:

Talking to an old flame doesn't make me uncomfortable, but if H was talking to an old flame the way this guy is, THAT would make me uncomfortable. Saying "I shouldn't have let you go" or whatever is crossing a line for me, big-time.

This is how I'd feel about it. I would be very unhappy with how he was talking to her but I wouldn't necessarily assume that he was cheating or even that he wanted to cheat. But I would probably require him to stop talking to her.

This would seriously hurt. That is him saying that he wished that they were still together, and that he would basically rather be with her than with me. Not OK, and it would make me seriously question the impending relationship. AT LEAST some major counseling is in order.

[2vermont]

May 11, 2012 10:30:48 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

In response to her comment about what she's up to (husband and kids), FI says something to the effect of "Gorgeous and successful. I never should have let you go."

FI responds by saying - total nonsequitur - Can you believe the conference was 16 years ago now.

FI's response is, "I still remember that long night together."

Girlfriend is .....obviously very bothered by her FI's continued attempts to sort of rekindle or relive whatever it was that they had.

I told her she needs to just sit down and talk with him and ask him about it, ask him what he was trying to do there.

I'll be honest. I would definitely be bothered by those comments. If you look at them alone (which is why I deleted everything else you wrote), they just don't seem right at all. Does it necessarily mean he will cheat? No. But, at the very least, it is inappropriate...and it most certainly needs to be addressed to her satisfaction. So I agree with your advice to talk with him about it first.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 15:24:46 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

It was mostly your "men never get over anyone" response that I was talking about. It was... weird.

Oh that! Well, its just something I read and thought was interesting. I just threw it out there without much thought, I suppose. No blanket statement about anything is true, really, but I certainly know some men who always bang on about the past, and never seem to move on.

[wrathofkuus]

I have known a few like that, too. Hell, a few years ago someone like that contacted me about meeting up and reconnecting and seeing where it goes. It was someone I'd dated briefly at 14. I thought that was more the odd exception than the rule.

[KateAggie]

I'm team Reeve. It definitely needs to be discussed, but it doesn't mean he's necessarily a cheater McCheaterson. If she has no other reason to question his trustworthiness, I think she should hear him out and go with her gut.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 16:22:15 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I have known a few like that, too. Hell, a few years ago someone like that contacted me about meeting up and reconnecting and seeing where it goes. It was someone I'd dated briefly at 14. I thought that was more the odd exception than the rule.

Maybe it is. I really don't know, but I find the idea interesting - and I have seen it with some of my friends.