new name and I really need help w family situation

[summer]

Formerly known as ceejay. I decided to change since we're going to have viewers outside of TN at some point.

I really need some advice from you all on what to do with my mom.

Just to repeat the backstory, my mom lives in Illinois and I live in Germany. She has been clinically depressed my whole life and is only receiving some form of treatment sporadically. She also has an autoimmune disease (scleroderma), heart problems, is in remission from tongue cancer, diabetes, and what seems like a hundred other health issues. She takes about 30 pills a day for a number of ailments, large and small. She hasn't worked in over 15 years due to her illnesses. She receives disability, SS, and lives in subsidized housing (which is absolute shit), but that barely covers her doctors visits, medications, transportation, etc. She can't walk well, has few friends, and very little support. In addition to having next to no money, she is very bad at using what little she has wisely. She wastes it on things she doesn't need because frankly she is lonely and looking for something to fill her up so she buys bad knockoffs of iPhones, laptops, etc., so she'll feel better. But she doesn't buy the new mattress she's needed for 10 years or anything responsible like that.

My H and I have been giving her $400 a month to pay for her rent for the past 3 years. We started this because she didn't have enough to cover costs and would get herself deep in debt with payday loans, etc... and it would cost us more to bail her out all the time so we do this. This is unsustainable. We can't do this forever. She's only 57, this could go on for another 30 years.

I'm stuck with how to handle this. Her building is gross and dangerous. I've offered to help financially find a better one in senior housing and we got off the waitlist last week but when the better one was available she hadn't done her part with paperwork and missed the boat. It could be another year wait for a new one. She needs services(laundry, etc.) but even if I call, they won't come unless SHE initiates some contact and requests and she can't muster up the mental energy to do that. She simply can't/won't (I don't know which) do the bare minimum of what needs to be done to improve her situation.


I need to change this though. I'm working on not feeling so much guilt for her situation in contrast to mine because I try to help her and she can't/won't help herself at all. She is just passive and meek and lets life roll over her and makes awful decisions, and she doesn't listen when I advise.

I don't know what to do. I can't cut off the money because she really needs it. But I need some plan on how to get her in a better place so we can ease up on the support. I have been doing this my whole life, giving her money, supporting her emotionally, and I'm drained. Part of the reason I don't want another kid is because I''ve always taken care of her, and now DD and I simply haven't had a chance to just to take care of myself.

It's awful to admit, but I'm tired of taking care of her. I know she's my mom and I love her but it's been so long. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to do this. Any advice? I hope I don't sound heartless. This situation is just making me really resentful of her every time I start signing checks.

And no she can't live with us. She doesn't want to, my H doesn't want her to, and I highly doubt Germany would allow such a costly person residency.

**ceejay**

[LLYS]

Would she allow you or someone else to become her legal guardian with powers to make some decisions for her? (Allowing that person to initiate services, fill out paperwork etc)

[summer]

May 23, 2012 6:47:03 GMT -5 @LLYS said:

Would she allow you or someone else to become her legal guardian with powers to make some decisions for her? (Allowing that person to initiate services, fill out paperwork etc)

I have asked her that before. Though she won't come right out and say it, she's hinted at she doesn't want me to have that kind of power because she doesn't trust me. She thinks I'm too mean and callous and I don't really understand how hard everything is for her.

I once asked her to give me a list of medications so I could cross-check them all with a doctor I knew and make sure they weren't causing problems interacting with one another. I just wanted a list so I could ask - that's it. I think it took 9 mos of me being constantly on her and then I gave up. Compiling it was too overwhelming and she half thought I would try to convince her to not take one of her medicines and then she would die.

[Melissa W.]

Oh, ceejay. This really, really sucks. I wish I knew somewhat to help.

[ECB]

We started this because she didn't have enough to cover costs and would get herself deep in debt with payday loans, etc... and it would cost us more to bail her out all the time so we do this. This is unsustainable.

Genuine question - why would you need to bail her out?

[summer]

May 23, 2012 7:38:09 GMT -5 ECB said:

We started this because she didn't have enough to cover costs and would get herself deep in debt with payday loans, etc... and it would cost us more to bail her out all the time so we do this. This is unsustainable.

Genuine question - why would you need to bail her out?

Because no one else could do it. And because she is my mom and I'd feel like ass if I didn't. Because I feel guilty because I have a decent home and a decent standard of living and she doesn't. Because I'm afraid of what would happen to her if I didn't. Her decision-making skills are shit and I actually worry about this getting worse as she ages. My conscience won't allow me to just let her go while I live a happy life full of organic food and great healthcare.

[iammalcolmx]

If it is possible get the legal gardianship without getting her permission do it. The “you are mean and selfish” comments she has made is made by EVERYONE who has those choices taken away from them. You wouldn’t believe how pissed off H’s previous sweet as pie Grandma is that her daughters made her move out of her house 4 years ago. I see your situtation in a similar way I see those with parents in their 80’s who REFUSE to move out of their houses yet they can barely manuver around their homes. Hell when we moved my Grandma out of her house she got pissed and fucking died, no joke.
Your fatigue and resentment is completely normal. You are supposed to be living your life right now, in theory we shouldn’t have to start worrying about this until we are in our 50’s not now. Remember she has a limited mental capacity, as much as I would want to hold her responsible for her actions you just can’t. Since she can’t follow through you are going to have to do the paperwork to make sure she gets into Senior housing and any other public assisance she needs. I think things will be easier once she moves, I know “easier” will still be difficult but her living in a nicer place may provide you with some mental relief. Finally there is no way I would ever suggest she live with you, you just can’t do that.

[charminglife]

This is a really hard situation - I'm sorry you're going through it.

At this point, I think the best thing you can do is continue to work on not feeling guilt or anger around your mom, perhaps with a professional. There is only so much you can do and it sounds like your mom does not want your help, just your $$.

[secretlyevil]

Do you have any siblings to help with the heavy lifting? Maybe not financial but just some emotional support for you. I think the legal guardianship is a good idea. Maybe there's a way to phrase it so it looks like it's such a good idea for her: "You won't have to deal with bills or any paperwork anymore!"

Also, maybe you could go to therapy? Just talking to someone completely neutral could be very beneficial to you. Get it off your chest so to speak.

[ringstrue]

I agree that you have to make your peace with being "the bad guy." That's not going to change and probably going to get worse the longer she is on her own. And I agree that *everyone* deals with it from their parents/grandparents at some point. Don't try to win that battle or prevent it from you taking certain actions.

That's all I got. Hopefully others have some good ideas.

::hugs::

[thejackpot]

So sorry that you are going through this with your mother. It sounds like you are doing more than enough so please don't feel any guilt about your actions. I hope that someone chimes in with so advice that is helpful to you.
((hugs)))

[laurenpetro]

first of all, i am so sorry.

this is going to sound shitty but is there any way you can have her found mentally incompetent? then you would have the right to take care of all of the things she can't/won't do for herself? my mom did this with her mom and at the time it was terrible but in the end it worked out wonderfully.

i know, shitty. it's the best i can come up with.

[Deleted]

You absolutely should not feel guilty or feel cold hearted or mean. You are none of those things and while yes, she is your mother, she is your mother, not your daughter. Whatever responsibility you take on for her is a gift, not a requirement especially as she makes it next to impossible for you to help her.

I really don't know what you should do but I do know you need to stop feeling obligated and stop feeling guilty for having the things that you do while she doesn't. Even with her various legitimate ailments, she's not taking advantage of the help she's been offered. She could have a much better quality of life if she'd just let you help. I'm not sure how you're responsible in those circumstances.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I think at this point, if this is an ongoing thing with her, and it seems to be, you may need to lay down the law. IF we have to keep helping you out then you will do the things we ask to get back on your feet. You hold the purse strings, and in this case, I think that gives you the control.
I understand depression, and I know that having money problems can feel completely overwhelming. It's embarassing and it's frustrating but you cannot keep burying your head in the sand about it, you know? At the least I would say that if I were going to continue sending money, I would want documentation of her going to therapy and getting her prescriptions filled.
I'm so sorry. This has to be so frustrating for you.

[zelda25]

May 23, 2012 7:54:18 GMT -5 summer said:

May 23, 2012 7:38:09 GMT -5 ECB said:

We started this because she didn't have enough to cover costs and would get herself deep in debt with payday loans, etc... and it would cost us more to bail her out all the time so we do this. This is unsustainable.

Genuine question - why would you need to bail her out?

Because no one else could do it. And because she is my mom and I'd feel like ass if I didn't. Because I feel guilty because I have a decent home and a decent standard of living and she doesn't. Because I'm afraid of what would happen to her if I didn't. Her decision-making skills are shit and I actually worry about this getting worse as she ages. My conscience won't allow me to just let her go while I live a happy life full of organic food and great healthcare.

I think you and I were separated at birth and are now dealing with the same mother. I know exactly where you are in your head, and I'm sorry--a dozen zombie hugs to you.

I agree with the others that you have to find a way to make some sort of peace with stepping back (I had to spend some time in counseling working out a LOT of anger and guilt--as Charminglife recommended), because whether she means to or not, she will bleed you dry. That doesn't mean you can't ever help or that you stop being part of your mom's support system, but it does mean that you recognize that you can't control her situation or her poor decisions and their consequences--that's all on her.

It's totally fair for you to make clear to her exactly what you can do to help going forward and the conditions that must be met for you to continue with that help.

I don't think the guilt ever goes away, but it became a lot more manageable for me when I decided to let my mother completely own the consequences of her behavior. It sucks to watch, but I did finally get to a place where I couldn't let her take me down with her anymore.

[SallyJ]

May 23, 2012 9:16:20 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

You absolutely should not feel guilty or feel cold hearted or mean. You are none of those things and while yes, she is your mother, she is your mother, not your daughter. Whatever responsibility you take on for her is a gift, not a requirement especially as she makes it next to impossible for you to help her.

I really don't know what you should do but I do know you need to stop feeling obligated and stop feeling guilty for having the things that you do while she doesn't. Even with her various legitimate ailments, she's not taking advantage of the help she's been offered. She could have a much better quality of life if she'd just let you help. I'm not sure how you're responsible in those circumstances.

I agree with this advice. I think I might actually be a cold hearted bitch when it comes to my parents. A little background on me: my mother is bi-polar, an aloholic and drug addict. She doesn't hold a job, has no savings, and I haven't talked to her in nearly 2 years. My dad has passed away now, but he spent much of his life on drugs and drinking alcohol. He never planned for his future and a had a full expectation that his kids would take responsibility for his finances and life.

My actions when it comes to my parents:

1) My first resonsibility and only obligation in life is to provide for my own children and build a future for my husband and I that will not require my own children to shoulder any responsibility for taking care of us financially or otherwise. I have absolutely no obligation to take care of anyone else in my life in this manner.

2) My parents are adults. The have lived more life than I have. They are capable of making life decisions for themselves. They have to live with the choices they have made in their lives, just as I have to live with my choices. They have survived up to this point without my help, and I'm sure they will continue to do so. Perhaps not up to the level I would want for them, or the level I expect for myself, but again their life, their choices, their consequences.

3) Any help I provide to my parents I have to be willing to provide in equal to my in-laws. If I can't do that, then I won't help my parents.

4) Any help I provide has to be a one-time situation, I have to expect nothing in return and expect no change in future behavior. It is a simply a gift and nothing more.

When my parents asked for help I explained the above to them. My dad basically told me I was a cold-hearted bitch. But you know what? He somehow found solutions to all of his problems and needed very little help from his kids. He also didn't make as many stupid decisions because he knew we wouldn't bail him out. He expected us to say no when he needed help and that forced him to help himself. My mom simply doesn't ask.

I hope you are able to find what works for you. Don't burn yourself out trying to live someone else's life for them. Do what you have to do for your family first and for your mother second. Don't feel obligated or guilty about your choices. If they are the right choices, the feelings of 'doing the right thing' will outweigh the guilt or obligation.