Not me. DH. He is in a class by himself. He's lactose intolerant and isn't always real good about knowing when he needs Lactaid.
We were staying in Las Brisas in Ixatpa which has semi- open air lobbies on each floor. I was in the gift shop when DH announced that he needed to return to the room because lunch had "gone right through him". I have no idea why I had to go, but he had such an air of urgency I went along. We got on the elavator to go downstairs to our room. It stopped at the floor above ours and the door opened. Waiting were these two snobby bitches we'd see around all week but who weren't friendly at all.
I tried to tell DS it wasn't our floor, but he took my hand and physically pulled out of the elavator. As I passed through his putrid miasma I realized he had saved my life. The last thing I saw was the door closing on the bitches as they fanned the air and one remarked "somthing died in here".
Post by frauschmindy on Nov 8, 2012 18:34:58 GMT -5
My dog slipped and fell in the snow earlier and I literally had to pick her ass up off the ground to help her get her footing. And then she farted on me. So that was neat.
Post by Teachermama on Nov 8, 2012 19:23:18 GMT -5
H farted one night that not the sound woke me up it was thr HORRIBLE stench. I shot out of bed and was like WTF! He was laughing so hard he was crying.. the next day, he called his dad to tell him... his dad was proud.. they had a god laugh for like 15 minutes. ...... men
After XH and I divorced, I had to go to the court building to get copies of some of the paperwork. I was used to being by myself by then, and rarely worried if I needed to fart. When I got to the court, I parked in a 2-story parking garage and got out of the car. I walked a bit before realizing that I needed to fart. I just let it go, forgetting that I was out in public. It was a loud one, and echoed in the garage. I was embarrassed enough to stop giggling for a second once I realized that other people heard it, but continued giggling all the way into the court building.
Post by phyllisnefler on Nov 8, 2012 20:36:33 GMT -5
As a teenager, I had to have some medical tests done using barium. In order to prep for these, I had to drink some castor oil the day before the tests. I had to take a small bit before school and then another bit that night before bed. My dad told me that it will produce "digestive pyrotechnics". I had an exam in my first hour class that I was really nervous about and just really wanted to go to school so I could take the exam and get it over with.
It seriously never occurred to me that "digestive pyrotechnics" was my dad's way of saying diarrhea. I wasn't a bright child, I didn't really even know what pyrotechnics were. I thought I would just have bad gas so when my dad suggested that I stay home and make up the exam at the end of the week, I pretty much scoffed at him in my teenage know-it-all way and chose to go to school.
Well, you can guess what happened...I was super gassy and was farting up a storm. Fortunately, I sat in the back of the class so I didn't think anything of letting little ones poot out here and there. Class ends and one of the boys says "EWWWWW! What is all over your pants??? DID YOU SHIT YOURSELF???" and sure enough, I had. I ran for the office and called my dad who came to pick me. I was sobbing in the car and was all "WHHHHYYYYY DIDN'T YOU TELL MEEEE???" which, of course, he had.
I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've laughed like this. I thank all of you for making my night. I honestly don't have a fart story. I have a sphincter of steel and can hold it in like no other. My mother though will cropdust an entire aisle in a store and will not look me in the eye, because we both know that if she does, we will both lose it.
I honestly can't think of a bad one of mine (I probably just blocked them out).
But.
we were walking in the park w/ a 17 month old natalie in the stroller. FIL was walking with me, and I heard a crazy loud one. I thought it was Natalie, so I said "oh my Natalie! What did you eat? You should say excuse me!" Just kind of joking, because I figured that would be better than just laughing at my kid (FIL is kind of up tight).
FIL then says, completely matter of fact: "Oh no, that was me." And we just continue walking like we'd just discussed the weather.
Dh and I were staying at my aunt's place a few states away because we had a wedding to attend.
So I had just gotten out of the shower and was wearing my towel. DH had bad gas, so he made some fart jokes (he blamed it on me, I asked him wth died in his ass, that sort of thing lol)
But then I felt a fart coming on.
So, thinking I'd be funny I made a face like this
and lifted my leg and let 'er rip....
But apparently it wasn't just a fart! I sharted on my aunt's white carpet.
DH said the look on my face was priceless. Mortified is an understatement. Panicked too.
The look on HIS face is etched into my brain forever.
After his look of shock/disgust/"OMG-WTF-LOL" - he was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
I was (quietly) freaking out, praying to god that I get this stain out of my aunt's carpet, pouring what was left of my water bottle onto the stain and grabbing tissues until I could get something heavier-duty.
Let's just say, thank god for StainMaster carpets.
SO now when we talk about that weekend, DH never refers to it as "so-and-so's wedding weekend." No. He refers to it as "the weekend you pooped on your aunt's carpet."
Post by messykitchen on Nov 9, 2012 12:17:29 GMT -5
I am not an adult. This subject MORTIFIES me. I can't even say the dreaded F word and doubt I ever have. It's just such an UGLY word to me LOL. I am a gas prude. So I cannot believe I am sharing this story. I should also add that I am painfully shy in new group situations.
SO there I was, first day at college. Small class size, largeish room with apparently excellent acoustics. An anthropology class, if that matters at all.
I felt it at first and thought oh damn, I hope I can hold this in till class is over. Twenty long minutes away. But no, I could not.
I must have a tight ass, because what came out of me sounded like some sort of musical concerto. High notes, low notes, some bass, maybe a trumpet or two. Followed by a very odd PING. I blame my nylon underwear. And EVERY SINGLE PERSON TURNED TO LOOK AT ME.
I am embarrassed now telling this story. I'm gonna have go lurk again. Good lord.
You may know mine but it didn't happen to me. A coworker shat herself at work. called me in her office and asked me to take her credit card and go to Kohls for new underwear and pants.
I asked her how much she wanted me to spend and she screamed at me I DON"T CARE
It was weird for a few days but now we laugh about it.
OMG I'm dying, tears streaming, tummy hurts from laughing! My 3 year old just asked me why I was crying and was super concerned. I said I was just reading a funny story and she looked at my monitor like WTF??
I suppose it's wrong to laugh and not share. I have a poo story that is just too much to share. It was funny but I'm still a little too mortified for that one.
My last pregnancy I was still working in the office. I had my own office, no windows but a nice little cozy space of my own. Well I was having an especially gassy day and I was sick of trying to hold it in or going all the way to the bathroom at 8 or 9 months pregnant. So I thought, well, whatever, no one has come in for a while so I'm good. I let er rip and it was BAD. Like bad enough I almost had to leave myself. There was like, NO air flow. So I sat there, basically hot boxing in this fart. Naturally a couple of my co-workers came by to talk to me, they stopped short at the door with looks of surprise on their faces and said they would come back later. There I am, sitting sheepishly at my desk, bright red. I got a fan after that.
We were at Target once, in the cleaning supply aisle. I kind of moved off to the side, looked around, saw no one, and let an SBD. H thought that was the perfect opportunity to reach for something on the bottom shelf behind me. When he crouched down, he got a whiff and looked at me, horrified. He did this weird crab walk thing to get away and just said, "Go buy some new underpants."
Mine involves spanx. I was in a wedding 2yrs ago and H and I went to the hotel room in between the ceremony/reception so I could change shoes. We were in the hall, H was trying to open the door and I farted, except that it got stuck in the spanx and sounded like a sick animal howling/squeaking to get out of something.
I will never forget my H's face. He looked at me, with big eyes, full or fear and said, 'is that YOU?' I laughed for like an hour.
So, PSA: don't fart in spanx!!
Also yesterday, this young guy was in our office. I heard a long farting noise and then he ran out of the room, lol. I didn't say anything b/c there were 6 other people in here, but then the smell hit us!
Farts are funny
Omg I have tears. I would like to nominate this as fart story of the day
I agree!!
The guys I'm working with are all giving me weird looks.