Think your ready for a baby?

[karinothing]

jezebel.com/5912433/youre-so-not-almost-ready-for-a-baby-even-if-you-think-you-are#13377908702572&{"type":"iframeUpdated","height":274}

Saw this post and had to share. Hilarious



Look, you're not ready to have a baby. Hey-O! Yup. You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties, and you've gotten some shit figured out, and now you're pretty sure you're "almost ready" to have a baby. But a baby is the ultimate, cosmic limit-tester of all ultimate cosmic limits, and no matter what you do to prepare, you will still find yourself thrown for a loop. (Also, experiencing that loop and being able to lord it over others is one of the few best senses of entitlement you'll probably ever get in this lifetime, and I finally now understand why all other parents did this to me, too. Bastards.) But, hey. At least I want to explain it to you.

Ready!? Pshaw! Anyone who thinks they are actually ready to stare this beast directly in the eyes isn't wearing her cervical thinkin' cap. It's like, can you be "ready" for a cyclone? Can you be "ready" for the moon? Can you be "ready" for a dinosaur eating a cupcake? It's not like being bisexual in college, where you can get it all out of your system before you actually have to pick a side.

I know, you have a good job and a willing partner, or no partner but that's how you want it, and you love babies and you know babies and you even have a baby bucket list, where you actually are going to do a bunch of stuff like leasing a convertible or buying a white couch, or hanging out with your hot ex-boyfriend before you go marry your best friend, so that you can finally grow up and do this right. Wrong wrong WRONG! You are so cute! But you are so wrong. I get it:

You think you're ready because you have a good job.
Jobby goes bye-bye faster than a marble down the gullet of an 8-month-old.

You have a willing partner.
Guarantee, schmarantee!

You LOVE babies.
As a wise person with a baby recently pointed out to me, "Some people are great with babies but not so great with toddlers, or great with toddlers and not so great with teenagers." Just let it marinate.

You have a dog.
Ugh, sorry, but no. If you want your dog to help prepare you for an actual human baby, it only works if you have the worst dog in the universe. It has to be, like, only trainable on Thursdays and it must never eat the first three types of food you offer it. Doesn't sound like any dogs I know! (No, I am not saying a human baby is like an awful dog, I'm saying babies are neither compliant nor necessarily easy to feed.)

You're working through a Baby Bucket List.
Cool idea! But doing a bunch of fun stuff now will just make you want to do more fun stuff later. The not-so-distant memories of Cabo or a couple of hickeys from the Amnesiac Tour of Vegas will not soothe you through a year of sleepless nights, potty training or your first real poopie diaper.

If you want to get ready for a baby, take my advice, and do the opposite of fun stuff. I'm not saying babies aren't fun — they are a scientifically proven lovable barrel of monkeys, worth hanging up your Saturday night handjob gig for — but it's not the kind of fun for which you need any practice.

In fact, if I were selling my own Baby Squad™ Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness, it would not involve tickets to Europe, but would come with the following drills/regimen for the entire year prior to conception. (Yes, conception! Yes, a year! Not doing anything fun while already pregnant is not actually all that hard and therefore not true readiness training.):

Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds — two bites into the meal.
Watch 38% of any film or television show; never see the ending or resolution.
Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
Hire a makeup artist to make you up to look 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink.
Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.
Memorize The Cat in the Hat, then repeat every evening between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.
Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio; hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.
Imagine a mental written list of your responsibilities for each day, tear it in half, burn one piece, take a (literal) shit on the other one. (Sorry.)
I guess it's no Vegas (or is it?), but this time-tested program will surely almost prepare you for the guerilla tests of strength, endurance and mental well being required for early childrearing — I make no guarantees for teenagers, or especially tweens. I repeat, no one is ever actually ready for a baby (at least not the first one). But if this program does not deaden your taste for spontaneous grown-up indulgence through tedious exposure to surprise challenges, I don't know what else will do the trick. Well, maybe Vegas would. In which case, the drink's on me.

[karinothing]

ha ha. It just looks longer w/in the actual post. If you go to the link it seems very short!

[claudiakishi]

May 23, 2012 11:41:53 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I'm probably not ready for a baby because I don't even have the patience to read that whole article.

Me too! I skimmed the last half.

[Deleted]

Yup that pretty much sums it up.

[Deleted]

Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.


Yes. Just yes.

[Deleted]

LOL

I'm reading this while listening to my 3yo throw a tantrum in his room. We left the playground a little to early for his liking and now he's been venting his displeasure for twenty minutes.

OMG I need a drink. But wait, I'm pregnant and will have to go through this again in another 3-4 years. FML

[claudiakishi]

May 23, 2012 12:55:49 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Babies are awesome! And toddlers are even more fun. I swear I am not filling your heads with lies. I really, really think it's enjoyable. Really.

That is good to hear, since the more I read this board the more I am doubting our decision to procreate!

[chessie]

May 23, 2012 13:10:41 GMT -5 claudiakishi said:

May 23, 2012 12:55:49 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Babies are awesome! And toddlers are even more fun. I swear I am not filling your heads with lies. I really, really think it's enjoyable. Really.

That is good to hear, since the more I read this board the more I am doubting our decision to procreate!

I doubt as well..I keep thinking, maybe we can't handle it, especially without any support for any family. Hearing differently..people calling their kids satan, and the the evil kid come to mind. My parents were very honest saying baby stage was the worst, especially on a relationship.

[Ashley&Scott]

May 23, 2012 12:55:49 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Babies are awesome! And toddlers are even more fun. I swear I am not filling your heads with lies. I really, really think it's enjoyable. Really.

This. A smile, giggle or snuggle from DS quickly turns any day into an awesome day.

[brit1017]

May 23, 2012 12:33:52 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.


Yes. Just yes.

This was my favorite line as well. Ahh, fond memories of DS's infancy...

[glitzy07]

The idea of the "Baby Bucket List" made me LOL because I totally find myself trying to "get things out of my system" before we start trying.

[chessie]

May 23, 2012 13:27:23 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

The idea of the "Baby Bucket List" made me LOL because I totally find myself trying to "get things out of my system" before we start trying.

Me as well! Some times I dont feel we will get to everything either..

[Deleted]

May 23, 2012 13:22:14 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/the_hidden_brain/2010/11/parents_are_junkies.html

Apparently raising a child is like being a drug addict. Lots of hours of drudgery for a few moments of bliss.

Lol, this is so true. I always say it's a dang good thing the little buggers are so cute or they'd really be SOL

[Deleted]

toddlers >>>>>>>>>>>> infants

[rex]

I love babies and toddlers, it's teenagers I can't deal with.

This also goes back to the fact that there is no logical reason to have a baby. Biological urge is it.

[savannah11]

May 23, 2012 12:56:52 GMT -5 @lcap said:

LOL

I'm reading this while listening to my 3yo throw a tantrum in his room. We left the playground a little to early for his liking and now he's been venting his displeasure for twenty minutes.

OMG I need a drink. But wait, I'm pregnant and will have to go through this again in another 3-4 years. FML

Hahahahaha. Last night DH and I laid on our bed and listened to our 3 year old DD have an epic tantrum in her room. I told DH that I was going to throw her the biggest freaking 4th birthday party next year because it would mean I'd never have to deal with another 3 year old again.

[cherry1111]

I'm not reading this....!!!!

[bunch]

May 23, 2012 12:55:49 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Babies are awesome! And toddlers are even more fun. I swear I am not filling your heads with lies. I really, really think it's enjoyable. Really.

yes! As I watch my baby giggle as she feeds the dog her bread. Best thing ever. Thank you hormones

[grosnl19]

May 23, 2012 11:41:53 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I'm probably not ready for a baby because I don't even have the patience to read that whole article.

My thoughts exaclty.

[Deleted]

I'm with kimbus, I like my baby. He's easy. Has STTN since 5 weeks old, rarely cries, good nurser, happy all the time. He's snoozing in his Rock N' Play as I type this.