Advice on breaking up with a friend

[Kit]

I'm pretty good friends with one of my coworkers. We hung out after work, I know and adore her kids, we lunch together, etc. Lately there have been issues (ok, one major issue) that we are butting heads on, and last week she said some pretty hurtful shit. When I try to talk to her face to face, she claims to be busy but will pursue the conversation over IM, or email. That's juvenile, to me, and I'd rather hash things out in person.

She thought she apologized by bringing me a cookie (Yeah, I'm serious) and some half hearted apology. I know she has zero clue what the hell she is apologizing for.

I'm kind of just done. I don't mind being friendly/cordial at work, but as far as a genuine friendship, I just can't do it any more. Her refusal to acknowledge the shitty things she said infuriates me.

Because I'm still talking to her (answering her questions, but not initiating conversation) I think she assumes all is well, but I'm fucking seething still. Do I just let this friendship dissolve over time? Do I get the fuck over it and continue on as normal?

Honestly, I'm kind of ok without the actual friendship. I didn't think I would be, but I really am.

[Deleted]

Because you work together I would try to let it go for your sanity, but I would also let it dissolve.

[kscarlett]

An acquaintance of mine ended a friendship recently by sending an e-mail that said something like, "In the near future, I see myself not being friends with anyone who <insert personality trait here>." And then she blocked the person on Facebook and Twitter.

Yeah. Don't do that.

[ECB]

Nov 14, 2012 14:00:51 GMT -5 @booby said:

just keep being cordial around the office. stop hanging out with her at lunch or outside of work.

If you can do this, this is what I'd do.

If doing this is too much and you really feel you need to hash this out/ need closure, then I'd tell her "I'm still upset and until we talk face to face, I can't sit here and pretend everything is o.k. So - I need for you to either stop contacting me OR we need to sit down and really talk.".

But to do that might really mean NO friendship at all, even at work. Would you be o.k. with that?

[frauschmindy]

I was in this same situation, and I did what booby said. I did eventually delete her from fb, and found out months later that she was spreading rumors about me around the office, but at that point I was so over it I just laughed it off and moved on. She never tried to speak to me about it, she just spoke to everybody else.

I'm sorry she hurt you.

[Kit]

ECB - yeah, I'd be ok with that. Like I said, I didn't think I would be at first, but now, after thinking about it and talking to some others...yeah. I'd be ok.

Unfortunately...she's already gotten the save the date for my wedding, and is invited to my bridal shower. Oy. Do I just send the invite as normal, and if she comes, fine, if not, fine?

[fuckyourcouch]

i had a similar situation a few months ago. i am cordial with business matters but i stopped going to lunch with her, hanging out on the weekends, etc. just let it dissolve because bringing it up will probably disrupt your work relationship too.

[ECB]

Nov 14, 2012 14:06:05 GMT -5 Kit said:

Unfortunately...she's already gotten the save the date for my wedding, and is invited to my bridal shower. Oy. Do I just send the invite as normal, and if she comes, fine, if not, fine?

Again, how much of a line in the sand do you want to draw? A save the date doesn't handcuff you to her, but at the same time - you'll be making it VERY clear where you stand if you don't invite her.

[Kit]

Nov 14, 2012 14:12:22 GMT -5 ECB said:

Nov 14, 2012 14:06:05 GMT -5 Kit said:

Unfortunately...she's already gotten the save the date for my wedding, and is invited to my bridal shower. Oy. Do I just send the invite as normal, and if she comes, fine, if not, fine?

Again, how much of a line in the sand do you want to draw? A save the date doesn't handcuff you to her, but at the same time - you'll be making it VERY clear where you stand if you don't invite her.

*sigh* I know. I think by the time my shower rolls around, she'll either feel comfortable going, or not. And that's her choice and honestly I'm fine with whatever. Same for the wedding. I'll send the invite because the other girls in my group are invited too. I don't want to be a bitch about it. But the invite is her choice. Come, or not.

I think that'd be the easiest. I don't want to hurt her feelings like she hurt mine, but I am not going to go out of my way anymore.

[sprky79]

I would take no overt actions, and just let it fade. Every time she wants to discuss her asshattery over IM, your only response is "I'm sorry, this needs to be addressed in person."

Don't Un-invite her to anything she is currently invited to, but don't go out of your way to invite her anyhere else.

[PinkSquirrel]

Nov 14, 2012 14:17:59 GMT -5 Kit said:

I don't want to hurt her feelings like she hurt mine, but I am not going to go out of my way anymore.

This is probably a good general plan. Let it dissolve, invite her to the wedding if you're inviting everyone else and try to keep as much peace as possible because you have to work with her

[Kit]

What makes it worse is that this behavior is NOT like her. We've been close for about 5 years now, and I'm completely shocked by her ridiculous, juvenile behavior. I don't' understand it at all.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[Deleted]

Maybe something else is going on and she lashed out at you? If so, she'll eventually feel like an idiot and apologize sincerely. If not, well at least you were the bigger person I guess.

[Kit]

Yeah, who knows, random. Could be, but I doubt it. I gave her ample opportunity to buck up and grow up. This is the third time she's went batchitcrazy on the same f'ing issue. It's exhausting.

[Deleted]

Oh, it's her "hot button hill to die on". Sad. But also, not your problem anymore.
Still sucks to lose a friend but it's not like you can change anything (unless you want a thicker skin, which sounds even more exhausting)

[Kit]

Nov 14, 2012 14:43:13 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Oh, it's her "hot button hill to die on". Sad. But also, not your problem anymore.
Still sucks to lose a friend but it's not like you can change anything (unless you want a thicker skin, which sounds even more exhausting)

She will die on that hill no matter how thick my skin is. lol