vent

[doctoranda]

Hope this doesn't bother others on this board but I just need to let out some feelings that I am kind of embarrassed to share with family and friends. We moved 4 months ago to a fairly nice town for my husband's job. He loves his job but I am having such a hard time adjusting. Because of the move and fixing up the house we are broke as a joke. On top of all the money worries I am stressed out over finishing my dissertation (my adviser hardly ever gives me any feedback). I am trying to find a part time job to alleviate the financial situation and distract me from the dissertation just a little bit (I don't write 8 hours a day anyway), but there are so few jobs in this town. I have been so down that I am extremely tired and can't manage to go on runs anymore or pull myself together. I keep fantasizing about moving back to the U.S. or going on vacation. Neither is happening any time soon. I feel so pathetic saying all this. But maybe it will make me feel slightly better just to say it. Thanks for letting me vent.

[anna7602]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's HARD to adjust somewhere new. For a while, I felt like kind of a failure every time I was homesick, but I'm trying to remember that it's really normal to take time to adjust. I don't think it helps to have the kind of job (you- dissertation, me- translating) where you have to sit alone at home. For me, at least, it gives me a whole lot of time to stew when I wake up on the miserable side of the bed and makes me feel even more isolated.

Do you mind reminding me where you are?

Anyway, big hugs to you.

[aMrsin09]

Aside from the dissertation and moving back to the US, I can totally relate to your story.

What town did you move too? Maybe we have posters already near there that can come up with ideas for distractions.

[doctoranda]

Anna, you are so right. Sitting at home stewing doesn't work. I have a volunteer position for a political party and it helps when I go out. But some days I just don't manage to get out.

I am in the Netherlands.

[doctoranda]

aMrs and Anna, thanks for the kind words! It makes me feel a little bit better. I live in Groningen, The Netherlands.

[americaninoz]

I agree that moving in itself is really hard, nevertheless being home so much. Are there any social things you could join to meet people? You know sometimes just venting about it helps too, I had a similar vent recently as we moved to a new area and its hard to meet new people, just hold in there, it'll get better, it took me a year to feel fully happy in London

[travelingturtle]

Yeah, you have to get out. Staying in is depressing. I know it's hard since finances are tough, so just go for walks, take pictures. How long are you there for? Where in the NL are you? I'm in Germany just over the border (I think 30 minutes inland, not sure).

Have you searched for expat groups in your area?

[doctoranda]

May 24, 2012 6:48:52 GMT -5 travelingturtle said:

Yeah, you have to get out. Staying in is depressing. I know it's hard since finances are tough, so just go for walks, take pictures. How long are you there for? Where in the NL are you? I'm in Germany just over the border (I think 30 minutes inland, not sure).

Have you searched for expat groups in your area?

I have met a couple of people through the work I do for the political party, which has been really nice. We also invited some of DH's coworkers over for drinks. I think not being able to find a job while we need to money is more depressing than just the adjustment process. And the stuff about the dissertation is driving me crazzzzy. I don't know it's all wrapped up into one these days.

Thank you all so much for the support. It makes me feel much better already.

[wise_rita]

The first year is definitely the hardest. It's like everything in the universe is conspiring against you to make everything suck.

It does get better, doctoranda, it really does. It just takes a lot of time and practice and patience and learning.

Keep coming here for support and do whatever it takes to survive the hard part. But I promise: It does get better!

[pittpurple]

I had a really, really hard time when we moved here. I didn't have a job and was just sitting home all day in my PJs lackadaisically applying for jobs when I felt like it. But mostly watching Cash in the Attic. It was really awful. After a few months, I had to force myself to leave the house every day, but it really did help to get a bit of a routine together. I promise it will get better!!

[clickerish]

Other than the moving bit, which I can also relate to but feel other people are more than supportive, I think I can let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in struggling with the dissertation. Writing a dissertation is a lonely process filled with self-doubt for a lot of people. At least in my experience, the difficulty is compounded by the fact that nobody wants to admit that it is brutally hard to produce a lot of the time--so the cycle continues of all of us thinking everyone else has it handled. Add to that your advisor, and it's a recipe for feeling lousy. Having been through that (and sometimes still in it), I have found ways to keep going and support myself emotionally, so if you ever want to talk or have some ideas of resources, just PM me (and let me know you did because I won't check otherwise!).

[doctoranda]

May 24, 2012 7:27:34 GMT -5 clickerish said:

Other than the moving bit, which I can also relate to but feel other people are more than supportive, I think I can let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in struggling with the dissertation. Writing a dissertation is a lonely process filled with self-doubt for a lot of people. At least in my experience, the difficulty is compounded by the fact that nobody wants to admit that it is brutally hard to produce a lot of the time--so the cycle continues of all of us thinking everyone else has it handled. Add to that your advisor, and it's a recipe for feeling lousy. Having been through that (and sometimes still in it), I have found ways to keep going and support myself emotionally, so if you ever want to talk or have some ideas of resources, just PM me (and let me know you did because I won't check otherwise!).

clickerish, I would love that I am going to PM you right now!

[mrsukyankee]

You are totally at the height of homesickness...it tends to hit around the 3 to 6 month mark. It will get better. I really, really will. And honestly, after having to write something like that in the past - it is soul sucking. Good luck with finding a job and getting connected...are there free things to do around your town? Any other ways to meet people?

[Cheesecake]

You're from another part of NL originally right? Maybe in addition to trying to build a new life, you can spend some time with friends/ family elsewhere in NL.
Also, if you run, how about trying to join a running group. It'll get your endorphins going and help you make new friends. That's about all I have. Homesickness sucks!

Sent from my phone, please excuse typos!

[clogged]

and you are in groningen. It's like it's on little bubble up there. So it will be harder on you for that reason alone. Just keep taking deep breaths, and keep telling yourself it will pass. It will- you got the expat pledge on it. Just give it time and tackle each day one at a time.

In the meantime- start running. That's it. No huge life changes, just this one focus. It will get you out, get you active, get you endorphins (waaay cheaper than heroin! hahaha).

[clickerish]

PM back to you You see? You're already making friends in NL because apparently half the board is Dutch-ish. I'll take it!

[bugabean]

I agree with clogged. Start running. At least walking! It makes a huuuuuuuge difference.

[dulcemariamar]

We have all been there. Hell, I still find it hard to adapt here after all these years. Just try to get out at least once a day and plan little activities for you and your DH. Perhaps, a picnic or something that isnt going to break the bank.

Good Luck on the job hunt.

[doctoranda]

You guys are awesome! You helped me through the day and inspired me to make the most out of this one!