Socializing outside of work

[Deleted]

I have a few coworkers who are close to my age and with whom I get along really well. I would like to hang out with them outside of work (we live pretty close), but as the new girl I figured I'd wait for one of them to make the first move. No one has made a move. I don't think that they mean to leave me out; I don't even know that they hang out together outside of work.

I am having a birthday party this weekend, and H has mentioned several times that I should invite my coworkers. But I am reluctant to disturb the social landscape, as the new girl. WWYD? (I promise that I won't projectile vomit on the floor at this party, LOL.)

[Deleted]

Invite them. But don't be upset if they don't attend. A lot of people are not social. And most people will not make the first social move.

[atouchofklasse]

My office's culture is to keep social lives separate. However there's no harm in inviting them.

[ECB]

Um, I wouldn't use my birthday party as the time to start socializing w/ them. They may ffeel they have to bring a present, and you'll hvae other guests there that they don't know/ that require your attention.

Do you go out to lunch w/ them? If not, start there. And/or try to plan a happy hour after work. Use these things to learn more about them and find some common ground. Then you can move to "Oh- ___ is going o nthis weekend. I know you are into it too- any interest in joining me?".

[Deleted]

I'd absolutely invite them. I'm sure they'll be flattered! (and maybe they'll be able to come)

Some of my closest friends are former coworkers.

[Deleted]

I don't usually buy presents for my close friends--I don't think anything would be expected. I guess a bottle of wine may be the norm

[Deleted]

I'd invite them but make it very casual. If they don't come, I wouldn't take it personally, some people feel awkward doing that as a 'first step' lol. You could also try inviting them out to lunch on your break or something.

[joenali]

At this point I don't hang out with anyone at me new school. All of the people I hang out with are from my old school. It took about two years for us to all start doing things together.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 8:54:25 GMT -5 @246baje said:

People bring presents to adult birthday parties?

If I take something to an adult's birthday party, it's just a bottle of wine. But it's worth considering, if other people would find this awkward.

We usually eat lunch in the cafeteria. I did go out to lunch with a few coworkers last Tuesday when we thought that the cafeteria would be serving leftovers.

If it makes a difference, the coworkers in question are all single women in their 30s, and they are all friends with each other.

[gt7301b]

I'd probably wait and invite them to an event other than your birthday, but I am socially awkward too, so you might not want to take my advice.

[Deleted]

I agree with ECB. I would not choose a bday party to be your first social event. A happy hour sounds good. Our office goes out to lunch to celebrate birthdays. My old office went out to dinner every year for Christmas. Maybe something like that would be a good way to break the ice.

How long have you been at your new job?

[noodleoo]

Nov 26, 2012 10:06:44 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I would invite them out to an intermediate social thing (like coffee or drinks or dinner) before a birthday party, because it would seem like less pressure. And then you aren't introducing them to all of your friends, etc, like you would be at a birthday.

Ditto. As the coworker, I think I'd feel weird being randomly invited to such a personal event. I'd rather do a casual hang out first, get to know you a little more before being invited to a birthday party. But I shy too, so maybe I'm strange.

[Deleted]

But do you guys really feel pressured by a birthday party? The birthday parties I go to are almost invariably very big and very casual... I'd feel a ton more pressure having to go sit 1 on 1 for coffee with someone I didn't know well than going to a party where I'm one of their 50 random friends there.

[rosebudred]

Nov 26, 2012 10:10:41 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Nov 26, 2012 10:06:44 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I would invite them out to an intermediate social thing (like coffee or drinks or dinner) before a birthday party, because it would seem like less pressure. And then you aren't introducing them to all of your friends, etc, like you would be at a birthday.

Ditto. As the coworker, I think I'd feel weird being randomly invited to such a personal event. I'd rather do a casual hang out first, get to know you a little more before being invited to a birthday party. But I shy too, so maybe I'm strange.

Agreed.

My office is fairly social (regular happy hours, etc), but I would feel wierd going to a birthday party. And that's after already knowing and being social with them.

[froggy76]

I'd start with something more informal than a birthday party. Something with just them to develop the friendship a little more... drinks after work, dinner, etc.

[Deleted]

Given your field, I wouldn't wait for them to make a move. If they're anything like the research scientists I'm working with, it's never going to happen. I'd invite, be unoffended if no one came, and try the "drinks after work" intermediate step.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 10:28:28 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

And I am antisocial / introverted, so I would be super awkward at a group of 50 people where the only person I knew was that new girl from work.

If it helps, the women in question are all friends and I am almost positive that just one wouldn't come alone.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 10:33:48 GMT -5 @redbellpeppers said:

Nov 26, 2012 10:28:28 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

And I am antisocial / introverted, so I would be super awkward at a group of 50 people where the only person I knew was that new girl from work.

If it helps, the women in question are all friends and I am almost positive that just one wouldn't come alone.

That's what I was figuring as well.

[ECB]

Nov 26, 2012 10:13:56 GMT -5 v said:

But do you guys really feel pressured by a birthday party? The birthday parties I go to are almost invariably very big and very casual... I'd feel a ton more pressure having to go sit 1 on 1 for coffee with someone I didn't know well than going to a party where I'm one of their 50 random friends there.

Well, again, different experiences. Adult b-day parties that I go to have a fair amount of people- but they aren't "very big" and are usually closer friends and family to the birthday person.

I would find it an odd event to invite a coworker to that you don't know very well and may not really know how well they'll mesh w/ the rest of your "crew".

Then, if you're trying to form a friendship, doing it at an event where you have a lot of other people there for you, it's just not going to be a time for you really to talk to and get to know these people.

That's why I feel like drinks after work or somehting like that would be a better first foray.

[Roc A Bee]

I would invite them. I am close to 2 coworkers, but I only hang out with one outside of work. We've gone to parties for each other. She even traveled 5 hours to attend my wedding. I'm pretty sure the first thing I invited her to was my birthday.

[Deleted]

I'd invite them. But I'm a very social person and would invite the cashier at the gas station near me. Soo....

I'm with the PP re birthday party is a great reason to extend an invite.

[dcrunnergirl]

I would find it very odd to be invited to a coworkers b-day part as a first get-together. Almost AW-ish and gift grabby. Then again, I know very few adults who have birthday parties after they turn about 25, so maybe it's just my circle of friends that is odd.

[dexteroni]

I'm in the "wouldn't start with your birthday party" group. Not so much for the gift pressure, but because that's the kind of thing you invite your existing friends to, or at least people you've hung out with at least a few times, not people you've never done anything with outside of work. It does seem a little AW-ish. Start by going for a drink or to some sort of weeknight evening event - with the holiday season here, there should be plenty of events to choose from.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 12:09:14 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

I would find it very odd to be invited to a coworkers b-day part as a first get-together. Almost AW-ish and gift grabby. Then again, I know very few adults who have birthday parties after they turn about 25, so maybe it's just my circle of friends that is odd.

I am turning 30 and like to have my friends over to my house for free food and beer.

[ESF]

I think it really depends on the people you are inviting.

For example, I once started a job three weeks before my birthday. A few of my coworkers and I hit it off, and we were sharing stories of our weekend adventures, mentioning our personal lives, etc, over lunch a lot almost within a day or two of me being there. Those people got invited to my party.

A few years later, I went to work somewhere else. My coworkers were my age and were pleasant but they didn't really open up about much, and lunches were pretty mundane conversation. So, I would not invite those people to a birthday party, because it would feel odd having people with whom I wanted to get to know better, but don't have a personal connection coming to an event like that. But I might invite them for a happy hour so that I could build that personal connection.

So really, I think it depends on just how well you know these people and how much they've opened their lives to you. If they haven't really, then a smaller, get-to-know you happy hour would be better. Otherwise, I say invite them.

[minzy]

At this point it sounds like the party is only four or five days away - maybe they will feel like they are on the B list for invites?

[Deleted]

Are you going to lunch with them at all this week? Can you suggest a lunch date this week and casually throw out the invite. "I know I'm still new here, but I'm having a birthday party this weekend and wanted to extend an invite. If you can't make it, let's plan a festive happy hour next week sometime."

Give them an invite but a way out if they feel it's "too much pressure" or too short notice.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 13:27:45 GMT -5 minzy said:

At this point it sounds like the party is only four or five days away - maybe they will feel like they are on the B list for invites?

It is only five days away. I don't think they would be insulted by virtue of the fact that I've only known them for a few months, but I definitely need to get on it ASAP if I'm going to invite them.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 13:46:34 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I wouldn't since it's at your house. If it were like V described and a ton of people meeting up at a bar, that would be different.

Yeah, I think you're right. This event seems a little bit lower pressure to me since it's going to go on whether or not they accept my invitation, but the fact that it's at my house might be too much for our first time socializing outside of work.