Not helping parents when they are older??

[Velvetshady]

Nov 28, 2012 12:02:44 GMT -5 honey987 said:

How do you handle parents who has no plan for when they are older without taking the financial burden on yourselves?

I realize that it isn't my responsibility to take on that burden and refuse to feel guilty about it. And go on with my life.

[ECB]

The way you handle it is by saying "No" to them when they ask for help (money, a place to live) - but you're going to have to be prepared to handle the consequences. It's easy to say what you've said above, but reality may be entirely different. How exactly will your DH react if his parents literally end up on the street w/ no where to live?

Or what if one of them becomes ill?

Don't get me wrong- I FULLY understand where you're coming from. But I'm also watching my mother deal w/ the same issues w/ her sister. Her sister is selfish and has made some HORRIBLE financial decisions, and now that she's dying from cancer and is sucking my mother's pocketbook dry and energy dry - I fully see how reality is a lot harder to say "no" to. My mother simply doesn't have the ability to say 'no' to her sister because she knows he rsister is going to die soon and she needs to feel that she did all she could to make the end of her life as good as possible.

[hocus]

We do not have this problem. However there is a whole lot of space between living with you and living on the street. I'd offer time and support but not money/housing. There are a lot of susidized housing options for 65+ folks and it takes a lot leg work to get it all sorted out. That is the sort of thing you can help do.

[bunch]

Nov 28, 2012 12:11:30 GMT -5 Velvetshady said:

Nov 28, 2012 12:02:44 GMT -5 honey987 said:

How do you handle parents who has no plan for when they are older without taking the financial burden on yourselves?

I realize that it isn't my responsibility to take on that burden and refuse to feel guilty about it. And go on with my life.

The same. Though I'm not actually dealing with any of this, so that's easy to say.

[limey]

Since it sounds like this is a "when", not an "if", the two of you might benefit from a few sessions with a family counselor, to put a plan in place.

Someone on TN posted a few years ago about how their mother had done the same thing and the family let her fail. When she had to spend the night in a homeless shelter, she got the hint that getting a job and a budget wasn't so bad, afterall.

[chessie]

Nov 28, 2012 12:26:14 GMT -5 bunch said:

Nov 28, 2012 12:11:30 GMT -5 Velvetshady said:

I realize that it isn't my responsibility to take on that burden and refuse to feel guilty about it. And go on with my life.

The same. Though I'm not actually dealing with any of this, so that's easy to say.

My parents are dealing with it with their own parents. Its awful, they pretty much had to tell them they couldn't help them. They needed 24/7 care and my parents work full time, not like they could.

I worry myself though about my MIL. If my FIL ever dies, she is totally screwed, no life insurance on him, no savings, no retirement, NOTHING!! I am not in any way shape or form able to handle a disable person like that, and I am not willing to give up my career for that. Really its a personal choice, something that should be talked about years prior to something actually happening to mom/dad, etc.

[mbcdefg]

Nov 28, 2012 12:22:37 GMT -5 honey987 said:

I just wish there was another way to help them besides financially or having them move in with us if/when they are unable to care for themselves.

The most you can do, if you are unwilling to give them money or shelter (which I 100% don't blame you for not wanting to do), is say, "I am willing to sit down with you and help put together a financial plan." Or, "I am willing to buy you one/several session(s) with a professional financial planner to help you get on track with what you need to do."

Other than that, I think anything you provide would just be enabling them. Unless you are willing to let them leech off you for the rest of your/their lives.

[Deleted]

I am dealing with this on both my side and DH side. We are not helping them and I have told my mother as such.

[kellbell191]

I also think counseling would help you all come up with a plan. We have discussed buying a small apartment or condo where MIL could live rent free, then renting it out when she is no longer around. As others mentioned, there is a lot of room between homeless and her living with you or you handing over wads of cash.

[imojoebunny]

My BFF is in this situation with her father. He lived with his also hapless brother for a while when he wasn't working, then he got a job, and the hapless brother and his wife lived with him for a while when he quit working. They both bounce around quite a bit, have roommates at 55 years old, ect. BFF is not in a position to help, but even is she was, it would do no good. Both men lived off their parents until they died, running through every dime they had. They just refuse to understand that you have to work to live, even if you don't love your job or your boss.

[pugz]

It is hard, Medicaid is there as a safety net to pay for nursing home care when it gets to that point, but Medicaid facilities are not very nice in general. And many folks are broke in their 50s-70s but not physically at the point where they physically need to be in a nursing home. There is no real public assistance for assisted living and Medicare will only pay for short term medical care.

It's a hard position to be in, I don't know what we'd do in that situation.