Can we talk about dating and kids?

[Bernadine]

Tell me things. Anything. I'm nervous I'm going to fuck this up. J's ds is 4. He was small enough when they divorced that he doesn't remember them together. I'm thinking that will be helpful?

Also, I was in a sorority with J's xw's twin sister. So hopefully she's telling his xw that I'm a nice person and that I'll be nice to their ds.

[lovelybb]

First and foremost, be yourself and don't try too hard. They can sniff that out and could potentially take advantage of it.

Take things at his pace, let him dictate how you two interact.

Make sure he still gets plenty of time with his Dad w/o you around.

Never say anything negative about the ex... not that you would, but D's ex trashes us regularly and it makes it very confusing for the kids.

[prettyinpearls]

Ditto pp.

Don’t try too hard, but take an interest in things they talk to you about. If he wants to play with you, play with him. Respect his alone time with his dad. Never talk poorly about his mother, even if you think he can’t hear you. Don’t try to buy their opinion of you with gifts.

[lovelybb]

Nov 29, 2012 11:19:26 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

Ditto pp.

Don’t try too hard, but take an interest in things they talk to you about. If he wants to play with you, play with him. Respect his alone time with his dad. Never talk poorly about his mother, even if you think he can’t hear you. Don’t try to buy their opinion of you with gifts.

Great one! D's girls talk about how his ex's BF buys them whatever they want and is a pushover. I told them that's a no-go with me, I'm a girl, I know what they're up to They smiled.

It just sucks that they're learning such awful habits on how to treat men, but we're hoping that we can off-set that but how they see me treating/respecting D.

[achase123]

I've been a single mom from day one so I can tell you it's definitely hard. I have a little more freedom now since P has all day on Sunday with XH and sometimes spends the night with him on Saturday nights.

I try not to overwhelm myself because then I feel like I'm torn between dating and P. Take this week for example: I was overwhelmed. I went out with R Friday night, then on another date Sunday night, then another drink date last night. That's way too much. I think maybe one a week is good, or less.

I also would recommend if you're doing online dating to stick to drinks/lunch/or coffee for the first date. That way you aren't wasting time if it's a dud. If it's a great date you can schedule the second one to be longer.

If you are feeling too overwhelmed with being a mom and dating, take a break from dating for awhile. There's definitely nothing wrong with just being a mom and taking that time for yourself and your child.

[formerlyak]

Take things SLOW. Follow the kid's lead on what he is comfortable with. I got criticized a lot for doing this and taking things too slowly with fi and ds, but I think it really paid off in the end. Fi and ds have a fantastic relationship.

We say on here all the time that you can't force a relationship with a new guy; same goes for a kid. You can't force it. You have to let it develop organically.

[Bernadine]

I think I'm doing these things so far. He seems to like me- he plays with me and wants to show me things and he asks J about me when I'm not around.

I'm a little anxious over the possibility of ever interacting with the xw.

[formerlyak]

Nov 29, 2012 13:48:01 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

I think I'm doing these things so far. He seems to like me- he plays with me and wants to show me things and he asks J about me when I'm not around.

I'm a little anxious over the possibility of ever interacting with the xw.

This is a whole different question! Just be yourself and don't try and push your beliefs or lifestyle on the child. That is the best advice I can give you.

Example of what not to do:
My ex's girlfriend is a veggie. I have no issue with that, but that is not how ex or I choose to eat and we always discussed teaching an "everything in moderation" type attitude toward food. We teach ds to make good choices and make sure he eats balanced meals. Well after gf moved in, all of a sudden ds was coming home telling me that at daddy's house he learned that meat is bad and didn't understand. And every time ex calls ds now, he asks him what he had for his last meal to make sure he has fruits and veggies (mind you when I was married to ex, I had to force him to eat his own damn veggies, so he should know I always include these at meals). He criticizes every meal I make and tells ds to ask for a side of fruit with breakfast (apparently oatmeal with berries and milk isn't an acceptable breakfast). All of this started when gf moved in with him, so I am pretty sure that is where it is coming from.

Let the parents parent. That's the best advice I can give you there.

Also, as things progress, attend stuff for your bf's kid. Soccer games, school play, whatever. It means a lot to the. Fi has been attending these kinds of things with me for over a year now. He was at more school and soccer related activities than ex this year. But ex's gf never comes. She came once and we invited her to sit with us and made nice small talk. But there is always an excuse as to why she isn't there. DS is 6 and he notices this. He always asks why gf never comes to his stuff and always gets an excuse from ex -- and they are usually pretty lame, so I have a feeling ds will read between the lines soon.

And don't make your bf feel bad for talking with the ex. If they have a good co-parenting relationship, he will be talking with her regularly. My ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, but he will never talk with me when gf is around because it makes her uncomfortable. Our conversations are seriously, "Hey, ds did great at school today, but I need you to know x, y and z for when you have him on your night. K thanks bye." Somehow she is threatened by this, so he can only talk to me when she isn't there. Don't put your bf in that position.

[formerlyak]

Nov 29, 2012 11:42:05 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I've been a single mom from day one so I can tell you it's definitely hard. I have a little more freedom now since P has all day on Sunday with XH and sometimes spends the night with him on Saturday nights.

I try not to overwhelm myself because then I feel like I'm torn between dating and P. Take this week for example: I was overwhelmed. I went out with R Friday night, then on another date Sunday night, then another drink date last night. That's way too much. I think maybe one a week is good, or less.

I also would recommend if you're doing online dating to stick to drinks/lunch/or coffee for the first date. That way you aren't wasting time if it's a dud. If it's a great date you can schedule the second one to be longer.

If you are feeling too overwhelmed with being a mom and dating, take a break from dating for awhile. There's definitely nothing wrong with just being a mom and taking that time for yourself and your child.

She isn't the parent in this situation. She is dating someone with a kid.

[achase123]

Nov 29, 2012 14:01:15 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Nov 29, 2012 11:42:05 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I've been a single mom from day one so I can tell you it's definitely hard. I have a little more freedom now since P has all day on Sunday with XH and sometimes spends the night with him on Saturday nights.

I try not to overwhelm myself because then I feel like I'm torn between dating and P. Take this week for example: I was overwhelmed. I went out with R Friday night, then on another date Sunday night, then another drink date last night. That's way too much. I think maybe one a week is good, or less.

I also would recommend if you're doing online dating to stick to drinks/lunch/or coffee for the first date. That way you aren't wasting time if it's a dud. If it's a great date you can schedule the second one to be longer.

If you are feeling too overwhelmed with being a mom and dating, take a break from dating for awhile. There's definitely nothing wrong with just being a mom and taking that time for yourself and your child.

She isn't the parent in this situation. She is dating someone with a kid.

Oooops. I'm going to defer to you on this one. I haven't dated that many guys who have children. And it's rarely gotten to the point where I've met them if I have.

[Bernadine]

Thanks, ak. I'm reading a book about being a stepmother* and it's kind of freaking me out, so I just wanted to hear from some people who had been on either side of the situation.

*I feel like I need to explain this, lol. J and I are NOT getting married. My bff was dating a guy with kids, and passed some books down to me, thinking they might be helpful, even though I have no immediate plans of becoming a stepmother.

[lovelybb]

As far as the xw goes, hopefully you can all be civil to one another and keep the child's best interests at heart. Be friendly, but don't give her a big old hug like your long lost friends like D's xw did to me. I really wish everyone could get along, but at this point we avoid any and all contact with her unless it's absolutely necessary. She's just too toxic, one minute she wants to be best friends then the next she's sending the most insulting texts to D.

How does your bf talk about his xw? That is very telling... hopefully he doesn't trash her and allows you to form your own opinion about her when you meet.

[turtle1120]

Are you expecting that you're going to have a lot of interaction with the XW in the near future? Other than seeing her at a pick up or drop off? Obviously if/when you meet her or see her just use common courtesy. Say hi, smile, etc. Since you haven't been dating J that long, I wouldn't imagine that you'd need to have a lot of interaction with the XW right now.

Also, what is the XW like? Do she and J have a decent co-parenting relationship? As long as she isn't BSC, I wouldn't be worried about it.