gay vs lesbian vs queer

[2brides]

I see that many of you identify as queer. Just curious how you differentiate the various terms and why queer is what you feel identify most closely with.

[rikkiandjulie]

I identified as a lesbian since I was 13, I'm 23 now. I felt like I had too, because the majority of my close friends are lesbians and identified that way. However, since the breakup and me having an affair with a man (I know it's totally Jerry Springer worthy) I've realized that I'm not 100% only attracted to women, and would never rule out a relationship with a man. However, that said I find myself attracted to both and not at equal rates. So rather than saying bisexual, (I hate a lot of those connotations) queer seems to fit best. It's not placing me in a specific box, and allows me to be free to date whoever I wish, without the "but she said she was a lesbian" annoyance. I know this isn't the same for everyone, but it is why I identify this way. I don't expect it to be the same for anyone.


Rikki-iPhone

[hensmum]

I'd never correct someone for calling me gay or lesbian, and have used both terms to self-ID in the past. And really, depending on who I am talking to - I am most likely to use the word gay to describe myself (certainly when talking to straights, haha).

But for me, I feel like a queer femme. Over the past few years I've really just found my place with my gender expression/presentation. I love me some high heels, make up, and dresses, hahaha. I feel like being femme is a huge part of who I am. As for being queer, it's really not that relevant for me day to day, since I am in a committed, monogamous, lesbian relationship, but I have the potential to be attracted to people of all genders. If I were single, I'd for sure be open to dating women, men, and trans and/or androgynous people. To me, the term bisexual feels too attached to the gender binary (okay, I'm getting all Queer Theory on you here ), and just doesn't fit me, as someone who is really interested in the gray area in between, and the non-traditional gender dynamics that often exist in queer relationships.

When I used the word queer in the FB group recently to describe a family member - the person I was talking about actually self-IDs as pansexual, which is another term that probably fits me, but I just think it sounds kinda hokey, and don't use it myself, haha.

[ct]

Most of the time I ID as gay or lesbian. But similar to what Brit describes, I imagine that if i were single, I could be attracted and would be interested in dating a whole range of people.

So maybe queer or pansexual would fit better, but those terms just feel to "trendy" for this uber suburban gay soccer mom.

and really, at this stage in my life, what does it matter??

[2brides]

Nov 30, 2012 8:27:19 GMT -5 ct said:

those terms just feel to "trendy" for this uber suburban gay soccer mom.

this made me laugh out loud. This is exactly how I feel.

[quinny]

Interesting. I never knew what queer meant. I thought it was the same as gay but more hardcore. Pre-wife, I was all about using a good looking guy for sex. Relationship - no way. But a no strings sex romp - hell yeah. But still, I identify as gay and/or lesbian. I wouldn't identify myself as queer or bi - , I don't like either word.

[hensmum]

Nov 30, 2012 9:03:14 GMT -5 quinny said:

Pre-wife, I was all about using a good looking guy for sex.

Haha, is there no end to the things we have in common?

-

I feel like queer means different things to different for people. For me, it means - Not straight, and don't put me in a box

But like I and CT said above - it's not really relevant when you're a married mom in the 'burbs

[never2amazing]

In my day "queer" was a bad word

[viciouskittie]

I wanted to weigh in on this one because it's kind of a bone of contention for me lol. I use many words to describe my sexuality - bi, pansexual, lesbian, gay, queer - and it totally depends on context and who I'm talking to. Even though I'm equally attracted to men & women, if I say bi sometimes people are confused because I'm married to a woman (this is a whole other issue for me - I'm married, not dead! I'm allowed to find other people attractive haha). So sometimes I use gay/lesbian because it's easier. Pansexual is a term a lot of people have never even heard so I typically only use it when speaking to people who are pretty active in the LGBTQ* community.
Queer is probably the one I use most though. I just like the term best I think, it seems pretty open ended to me.

Out of curiosity, how do partners describe themselves? My wife is also bi and uses bi/gay/lesbian but I've never heard her use queer or pansexual.

Edited for a silly typo.

[Deleted]

I don't like the term bi, it carries a lot of negativity for me. Queer feels disrespectful, probably because I came into the LGBTQ scene under the wings of older gay friends. I am attracted to men but don't want a relationship with one so I think lesbian/gay fit best for me.

[ElsaVonM]

I'm bisexual and have zero issues describing myself as such. Jen is a lesbian - she can appreciate a nice-looking man, but she would never have sex with a man.

I don't care what the term bisexual may (incorrectly) make people think about me: it's 100% accurate.

[hlke]

I identify as both queer and bisexual, but mostly use bisexual as people outside the GLBTQA community understand it better. C identifies and almost exclusively uses gay. We'll sometimes refer to ourselves as a lesbian couple.

Part of the reason identifying as bisexual is important to me is because I was in a nine year relationship with a man, who knew I was questioning/bi the whole time, and our relationship did not end for any reason related to my sexuality. The relationship meant a lot to me, and to identify as anything other than bi feels like a revision of that history. So that is important to me, although most people either don't know I was married before or assume I'm a lesbian now.

[tattooedmeegs]

Dec 1, 2012 12:36:29 GMT -5 ElsaVonM said:

I'm bisexual and have zero issues describing myself as such. Jen is a lesbian - she can appreciate a nice-looking man, but she would never have sex with a man.

I don't care what the term bisexual may (incorrectly) make people think about me: it's 100% accurate.

This has always been me also!

[viciouskittie]

Dec 1, 2012 12:36:29 GMT -5 ElsaVonM said:

I don't care what the term bisexual may (incorrectly) make people think about me: it's 100% accurate.

I guess I should be a little clearer - I don't care if people make incorrect assumptions about me, I just often don't feel the need to get into a discussion about it which is what usually happens in my town. If I have the time and the patience that day I use bi or pansexual because they are the most accurate.

[joyseattle]

I identify as queer, but I know some people who may use bisexual (because of my past partners) or lesbian (because of my current monogamous marriage to a woman). Hensmoms' definition of queer (including the Queer Theory) is basically the same as what I say and I feel that using it is a form or reclaiming a stigmatized word. I have family members that don't like it and will just say "Joy's married to Christine" or something like that. For me "bi" means two and there are more than two genders and I'm attracted to people who are cis-male, cis-female, trans (FTM) and somewhere in between/more androgynous (such as my wife). It's funny because there are few times when I actually self-identify and it's usually with other LGBTQ people, because with straight people I usually just say I'm married to a woman and leave it at that.

[Deleted]

I don't know why, but I find the term queer to be offensive. Even in the trans community it's frequently used, and it just bothers me.
I'm A sexual and more or less consider myself bigender (though I identify as female), and would rather be called that than "gender queer".

[bluedaisyus]

I identify as a lesbian. I don't self-identify as queer, although I don't really have an issue with the term and understand why people do.