friends dealing with infertility?

[aliceinfairyland]

Anyone have this issue?

Our two closest friends are both having issues getting pregnant. One has been trying for 1.5 years, and the other has been trying for about 6 months (but needed Clomoid to conceive previously). We literally had sex once a few days before i ovulated and got pregnant.

Last night we all got together and Friend A found out that I was pregnant. We told her husband almost a month ago, and he must not have told her.

Anyway, all night she made little jokes about me being pregnant and they weren't. i wasjt offended or anything, I just felt badly in the first place and wasn't sure how to respond.

There's probably no right answer on what to do or not to do. I just don't want her to feel badly, especially since all of our DHs are in basketball league all winter and we go to the games together.

[Deleted]

My sister and my cousin are both TTC (sister with #2, cousin with #1),and its taking both couples a while. However, another cousin and I are both pregnant, about two weeks apart. I feel bad for them that they now have to deal with two other pregnancies in the family while TTC, but I don't think there's much to say besides "keep trying, fingers crossed! It'll happen!"

[mudslide]

Dec 1, 2012 12:08:04 GMT -5 @villainv said:

My sister and my cousin are both TTC (sister with #2, cousin with #1),and its taking both couples a while. However, another cousin and I are both pregnant, about two weeks apart. I feel bad for them that they now have to deal with two other pregnancies in the family while TTC, but I don't think there's much to say besides "keep trying, fingers crossed! It'll happen!"

If you said this to me, I would have to try very hard not to punch you in the face right there. Then I would avoid you like the plague.

[mudslide]

Dec 1, 2012 9:17:17 GMT -5 aliceinfairyland said:

Anyone have this issue?

Our two closest friends are both having issues getting pregnant. One has been trying for 1.5 years, and the other has been trying for about 6 months (but needed Clomoid to conceive previously). We literally had sex once a few days before i ovulated and got pregnant.

Last night we all got together and Friend A found out that I was pregnant. We told her husband almost a month ago, and he must not have told her.

Anyway, all night she made little jokes about me being pregnant and they weren't. i wasjt offended or anything, I just felt badly in the first place and wasn't sure how to respond.

There's probably no right answer on what to do or not to do. I just don't want her to feel badly, especially since all of our DHs are in basketball league all winter and we go to the games together.

Obviously it's too late but a lot of women who are having trouble prefer to get the news via text or email so they have the chance to work through their emotions and cry before having to act happy.

[mudslide]

Dec 1, 2012 12:52:34 GMT -5 mudslide said:

Dec 1, 2012 12:08:04 GMT -5 @villainv said:

My sister and my cousin are both TTC (sister with #2, cousin with #1),and its taking both couples a while. However, another cousin and I are both pregnant, about two weeks apart. I feel bad for them that they now have to deal with two other pregnancies in the family while TTC, but I don't think there's much to say besides "keep trying, fingers crossed! It'll happen!"

If you said this to me, I would have to try very hard not to punch you in the face right there. Then I would avoid you like the plague.

This infuriates me. I hope to God that you have the tact to actually not have said this to anyone.

[aliceinfairyland]

Dec 1, 2012 12:54:25 GMT -5 mudslide said:

Dec 1, 2012 9:17:17 GMT -5 aliceinfairyland said:

Anyone have this issue?

Our two closest friends are both having issues getting pregnant. One has been trying for 1.5 years, and the other has been trying for about 6 months (but needed Clomoid to conceive previously). We literally had sex once a few days before i ovulated and got pregnant.

Last night we all got together and Friend A found out that I was pregnant. We told her husband almost a month ago, and he must not have told her.

Anyway, all night she made little jokes about me being pregnant and they weren't. i wasjt offended or anything, I just felt badly in the first place and wasn't sure how to respond.

There's probably no right answer on what to do or not to do. I just don't want her to feel badly, especially since all of our DHs are in basketball league all winter and we go to the games together.

Obviously it's too late but a lot of women who are having trouble prefer to get the news via text or email so they have the chance to work through their emotions and cry before having to act happy.

That's why we told her husband a month ago. I didn't want to put either on the spot. DH told the husbands privately.

Just to be clear, I'm in no way offended by her jokes or comments. I don't make my pregnancy an issue. Really, I don't talk about it at all.

I just don't want to laugh if I shouldn't laugh or make jokes if they wouldnt be appreciated.

I hate making others feel bad, even if there isn't really anything I can do.

[aegis2005]

I've never been the teller, but I've been told many times in the 2+ years we were trying.

I'm sure that your friend was making jokes as her way of coping, and wasn't trying to be offensive.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to acknowlege that your friend's TTC situation is sucky, and you're sorry that it has to be so hard.

Hearing comments like "it will happen" just suck. For some couples, no matter what they do, it won't happen.

[mudslide]

Dec 1, 2012 13:24:09 GMT -5 aliceinfairyland said:

Dec 1, 2012 12:54:25 GMT -5 mudslide said:

Obviously it's too late but a lot of women who are having trouble prefer to get the news via text or email so they have the chance to work through their emotions and cry before having to act happy.

That's why we told her husband a month ago. I didn't want to put either on the spot. DH told the husbands privately.

Just to be clear, I'm in no way offended by her jokes or comments. I don't make my pregnancy an issue. Really, I don't talk about it at all.

I just don't want to laugh if I shouldn't laugh or make jokes if they wouldnt be appreciated.

I hate making others feel bad, even if there isn't really anything I can do.

So the h dropped the ball. I would be mad at my h if he dropped the ball like that. He's always been good at passing along that info.

[joolz]

I would also not bring up your pregnancy ever, and if they ask, assume it's out of politeness and give a short answer and then change the subject.

[BettyBookWorm]

Yes. I keep my pregnancy talk to a minimum. When I get to showing it can be hard on the friends I have coping with loss or IF, so I try to be mindful that my presence in and of itself can be hard on them. However, we are many church activities and groups together so its hard for me to avoid those events. I just do my best to ask them about their lives and other things.

Also, I've been told by many friends that anything along the lines of "it will happen when it is supposed to happen" and other platitudes are reeally not welcomed. Also, can it with the advice on how to get pregnant. They are infertile/grieving a loss and not stupid. They know how babies are made.

Good luck.

[Deleted]

Dec 1, 2012 12:52:34 GMT -5 mudslide said:

Dec 1, 2012 12:08:04 GMT -5 @villainv said:

My sister and my cousin are both TTC (sister with #2, cousin with #1),and its taking both couples a while. However, another cousin and I are both pregnant, about two weeks apart. I feel bad for them that they now have to deal with two other pregnancies in the family while TTC, but I don't think there's much to say besides "keep trying, fingers crossed! It'll happen!"

If you said this to me, I would have to try very hard not to punch you in the face right there. Then I would avoid you like the plague.

You would punch your sister in the face? Wow. My sister and cousin and their husbands aren't dealing with IF, they just haven't been successful in conceiving yet. I would never say that to someone who I KNEW had been diagnosed with IF.

[sake]

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said. My BFF is dealing with IF, and it was super hard telling her we were pregnant. Especially bc we were not trying for a baby AT ALL at this point, and she knew that.
It has made friendship harder between us, bc I never wanted to be pregnant, only adopt. And now she is going through the adoption process, and would rather be pregnant. She says things like "at least you can get pregnant" to me, if she over hears me mention any pain or anything I'm having to my H. It does upset me sometimes, but I try never to bring up pregnancy around her. And I'm hoping that our situation improves once we have our baby and their adoption progresses.

Just be considerate of each other, and try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. A little empathy goes a long way.

[kershnic]

Dec 1, 2012 16:32:33 GMT -5 BettyBookWorm said:

Also, I've been told by many friends that anything along the lines of "it will happen when it is supposed to happen" and other platitudes are reeally not welcomed.

Never never never say that to a woman/couple facing trouble TTC or infertility. It's like telling me that God (the universe, whatever) hates me and just doesn't want me to be pregnant.

The biggest thing I would hope for from friends or family announcing a pregnancy is understanding that I will distance myself for my own self preservation.

[kershnic]

Also, I understand why you expected the husband to let his wife know that you were pregnant, and of course he should have before she found out randomly... but I know my wife hates telling me news that will upset me, and always tries to find the exact right moment to let me know difficult news like a friend revealing a pregnancy. I'd imagine her husband didn't want to upset her and never got around to telling her.

[mudslide]

Dec 2, 2012 13:22:38 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Dec 1, 2012 16:32:33 GMT -5 BettyBookWorm said:

Also, I've been told by many friends that anything along the lines of "it will happen when it is supposed to happen" and other platitudes are reeally not welcomed.

Never never never say that to a woman/couple facing trouble TTC or infertility. It's like telling me that God (the universe, whatever) hates me and just doesn't want me to be pregnant.

The biggest thing I would hope for from friends or family announcing a pregnancy is understanding that I will distance myself for my own self preservation.

:y:

[mudslide]

Dec 2, 2012 7:47:20 GMT -5 @villainv said:

Dec 1, 2012 12:52:34 GMT -5 mudslide said:

If you said this to me, I would have to try very hard not to punch you in the face right there. Then I would avoid you like the plague.

You would punch your sister in the face? Wow. My sister and cousin and their husbands aren't dealing with IF, they just haven't been successful in conceiving yet. I would never say that to someone who I KNEW had been diagnosed with IF.

It's an expression to show you what an assy statement that it is. You said it was taking them awhile. What is your definition of awhile??

I was trying to prove a point that you should not say that to ANYONE because you do not know their whole story.

Yes, if someone said that super bitchy smug statement to me, I would absolutely distance myself from them. Friendship over. Or family relationship strained. Thankfully, my sisters have tact and empathy.

[mudslide]

I would absolutely distance myself. Again it is a figure of speech to illustrate what an assy statement it is. Hyperbole.

[Deleted]

Dec 2, 2012 14:27:41 GMT -5 mudslide said:

Dec 2, 2012 7:47:20 GMT -5 @villainv said:

You would punch your sister in the face? Wow. My sister and cousin and their husbands aren't dealing with IF, they just haven't been successful in conceiving yet. I would never say that to someone who I KNEW had been diagnosed with IF.

It's an expression to show you what an assy statement that it is. You said it was taking them awhile. What is your definition of awhile??

I was trying to prove a point that you should not say that to ANYONE because you do not know their whole story.

Yes, if someone said that super bitchy smug statement to me, I would absolutely distance myself from them. Friendship over. Or family relationship strained. Thankfully, my sisters have tact and empathy.

Not that it's any of your business, but my sister and her husband have been trying for #2 for about 4-5 months and my cousin and her husband have been off BCP but not charting or anything for maybe 7 months. Being related to them, I DO know most of "their story" if not the whole thing. I think I am more qualified to know what my close female family members can deal with hearing and what would be insensitive.

It's not so much that I would say those specific words in that sequence, as much as I would let them know that I continue to support them and hold high hopes for them, and that even though I am pregnant I haven't forgotten how hard TTC is and I still hope for them every day.