Okay... Can we talk babies?

[aweilba]

So I just need to talk to some people about this. By "people" I mean not my husband or any of my friends. This might get a little long... but I need some advice.

How did you know when you were ready to have kids? Here's why I ask.

I found out on Friday that I am now officially my only friend who is just married. All others are either single or married with brand new babies. Also, we are all only 24 or 25. My last married without children friend told me on Friday that she had miscarried and that was the day she was going to call me to tell me she was pregnant, but then found out that happened. My heart broke for her. I simply cannot imagine what she is feeling.

Last week, I was talking to this friend about how I feel so lost in limbo. She was the only friend I could seem to talk to about every day married stuff. I don't know how to talk to my other married friends because they all have young babies (as in under 8 months). All they talk about are their kids. Which is fine. I know that's their life now, and I'm so happy for them. I love being around their babies, but I don't know what to talk to them about because even non-baby topics somehow morph into baby topics. And I can't just run around like a wild women like my single friends since I have a husband at home. It's an odd position to be in. I'm not sure why it's bothering me because I still love my friends and want to be there for them. I spoil their kids and am so happy that they are happy.

But I feel so... lonely. I don't think I want to start trying for kids for another year or two. I still feel really young and want to get more settled into married life. We've been married 2 and a half years, but we've been together for almost 9. I'm now the only one in my stage of life in my group of friends. The more time I spend around my friends' babies, the more comfortable I become with the idea of becoming a mom sooner rather than later. It's like the more of my friends that have kids, the more I feel like I'm thinking about having them too. I don't know if that' because I honestly am beginning to feel ready or if it's because I feel like I should feel ready.

So I'm not sure what I'm really asking for here. Anybody else feel like their in a similar situation? Advice? I feel lonely a lot because, even though several of my friends are in town, we don't hang out much since their kids were born. I guess I'm just feeling a little out of place with people I've known for over 10 years. Is that normal?

[ssmjlm]

We had a thread about sort of the same thing before: pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=homegarden&thread=50505&page=1

Age wise, I wouldn't worry about it. It was hard for us because DH is older, so all of his friends have kids and a lot of my friends were still getting married and very few had kids. Although now 4 years into marriage things are evening out.

Don't rush anything. Enjoy being married. Enjoy where you are in your lives. Truly children were not even on my radar until a year or so ago and I was ok with letting friends know we were happy where we were.

[heygrey]

Just signing in to commiserate. We're 25/26. I'm also the last married girl of my college friends to not be pregnant at least so Facebook is all about babies too. We're next in line, logically, for h's siblings so his family is starting to wonder and ask.

My two best friends in town have babies and I found our friendships started to pick up again as the babies got older. 8-12 months was a huge turning point where they had a good routine and wanted to hang out again and the kids were easier and they were bored of talking about baby stuff. Hopefully you see that too.

I'm perfectly comfortable with babies and wouldn't be devastated if we had a surprise, but I'm also not ready to commit to trying. I'm really enjoying this phase of solidifying our relationship and being spontaneous.

[peach]

I went through a stage like this. All my friends had babies coming out their ears....all the single girls had nothing in common with me because they still acted like teenagers and I was "over" that immature crap.

I basically had no friends for a few years. It was really hard, and we didn't fit in anywhere with other couples or our friends.

But it's not a reason to have a baby. Wait until you are ready...

I know it can be awkward to be the odd man out. It sucks. But when the time is right, you will join their ranks and until then you are welcome to come on here and complain. I cried many tears over the year, being jealous of everyone's babies but knowing I wasn't truly ready to have my own yet.

[aweilba]

Dec 2, 2012 18:50:52 GMT -5 peach said:

I basically had no friends for a few years. It was really hard, and we didn't fit in anywhere with other couples or our friends.

But it's not a reason to have a baby. Wait until you are ready...

Yeah... this is how I'm feeling. I know we aren't ready yet. I think we will be ready sooner than we anticipated a few years ago, but that's because we just weren't comfortable around little babies. The more we're around, the more we seem to push up our timeline. First it was we'd wait until my DH was 28 to start trying, now he says when he's 27 (which is next October). But it seems to come up more and more in casual conversation with us because we're around so many babies lately that it's basically impossible not to bring it up. It's never been a question of if we want kids; it's when we want them.

Lately I'm always so lonely, and DH feels awful about it, but there's really nothing he can do. It's really hard because I've been so close to these girls for over 10 years of my life and now I'm feeling totally left out. I mean, my husband is awesome, but he's not a girl friend.

[Deleted]

I have 2 friends like you and TBH most days I love them "more" than my other friends who are unmarried or who have kids. I know I can call them, be me, and talk about me things. I love my kid but I don't want to talk about her constantly (some of my friends with kids don't shut up about them when we're together and I'm like umm...reallly...back to my booze now!). They're also more mature than my party single friends and I can talk husbands, house and they know why I like to be in bed by 10pm on Saturday night. Basically, they have a lot less drama going on.

To answer your question though, I don't think anyone is ever really ready. You could always wait longer. H and I just knew becuase it'd had been 3 years, we're both big kid people, we wanted our kids out of the house while we were young enough to do stuff and still hang with our adult children. We'd also during the first year got a little more settled in our careers, house, financially and realized it was time to move on.

I wouldn't reccommend rushing it though. If you're fine, there's no reason to move on just because everyone else is. My first pregnancy was godawful and ended in a stillbirth. I freely admit H and I would have never made it through that if we'd still been on year 1.

[TBM]

I think it is normal in any relationship to have times when you just aren't 100% in the same place, and you gravitate toward people who share your interests. Find a new friend or two who are in a similar place as you....someone to share experiences that your other friends aren't a part of right now.

You don't have to forget about your other friends, but you shouldn't feel lonely and cut yourself off from living. Chances are they have new friends with little ones who share their experiences and have play dates and stuff, but it doesn't mean that they don't still value your friendship.

[aweilba]

Dec 2, 2012 20:00:36 GMT -5 TBM said:

I think it is normal in any relationship to have times when you just aren't 100% in the same place, and you gravitate toward people who share your interests. Find a new friend or two who are in a similar place as you....someone to share experiences that your other friends aren't a part of right now.

It's so hard to make friends when you're not in college anymore. It's depressing. I don't even know how to go about making new friends anymore. The last time I made new real friends was over six years ago.

[mac08]

I totally understand on it being difficult to make new friends. My H and I moved to a new city 4(!) years ago and we really haven't made any real friends. I have plenty of "work friends" who I socialize with at work and on rare occasions outside of work, but it's not the same as having a core group of friends who you know really well and are comfortable with. I also feel like the friends i moved away from, who i still see every few months, have sort of moved on with their lives and it's hard not being involved with the everyday stuff with them.

I also am in a similar position where some of my friends are having babies, but the rest are not even thinking of it for at least five years. I am wanting to have kids soon, but like you, really torn on whether I feel ready. Overall I feel like no one I know is really in the same stage of life as me. It's hard, but I am sure it's just a stage, and I am trying to really appreciate this time I have now with just H and no kids, and just trying to savor things like sleeping in, being lazy on a sunday, staying out late, etc. hang in there, and I can commiserate with what you are feeling!

[pitterwoo]

I hear you that it's hard to make new friends now, but I do think TBM's advice is really good. H and I have never really been in step with any of our friends, in part because we have an age difference between us. The good thing about it has been that there has never been any phase that everyone is going through at the same time, so we've been able to just focus on what would be the right steps for us. I think having some other people in your life that are just doing the married thing would really help you. Try Meetup maybe?

[emjacobs]

Right now we are the only unmarried couple in our group as well as the only ones with out kids. Surprisingly we have been together longer than anyone else we know we're just taking things at our pace.

If everything goes as planned we will be getting married next year and then kids in 2-3 years. I adore kids but I also enjoy sleeping in, not making plans, and eating spaghettios for dinner sometimes.

[pickle123]

Don't rush it! You'll know. We were married 5 years before we had our son. Enjoy this time!

[Deleted]

I'm normally a lurker, but your post resonated with me so I wanted to chime in.

I felt just like you and still kind of do. I see/saw myself as having 2-3 main "groups" - the people I went to HS with, my close friends from college, and my friends from grad school. H and I got married young, when I was 22, but I was not interested in children until just a couple of years ago (I'm 29). The majority of my HS group had kids at ages 20-24. Then my bffs from college and grad school are either never interested in children or having children much later (post 30).

We're now expecting our first, and I do feel kind of lost. I'm "behind" the HS people who had kids already, yet I'm ahead of some of my other friends. I'm assuming that I'll make some new friends once we have our child and meet other parents, but the thought of it is daunting sometimes.

Anyway, I think it's normal to drift in and out of friendships over time. I also think that you don't need to rush into having a child just to fit into that group, unless you actually feel ready. And actually, after finding out that we were pregnant, I've been surprised by others coming out of the woodwork who are in the same stage we are. So there are people out there...don't worry!

[roselis]

I can kind of sympathize. I am a single mom. All of my friends are either couples, single, or have a child and are with their partner. I'm the only single mom in our group. It's hard being the only one of your, I guess "status" is the best word here.

[simpsongal]

You're young. Don't rush. I was going to say you should think about having kids but when I saw 'age 27' I changed my advice.

Here's what's worked for us. We talk about it. DH doesn't recoil and neither do I. It seems like the next logical step and we're ready.
Good luck!

[magdala9]

I was the last to get married in my circle. I am the last to have children. New parents go through a baby-centric phase just like new-in-relationships go through a significant-other-centric phase. Your relationship either evolve to adjust to the change or you find new relationships. When the kids were mobile, there were many times when I brought coffee to the playground to meet up with friends. The kids enjoyed the playground while the Moms and I sat at a picnic table and talked. Before they were mobile, I would bring a treat (ice cream, cappuccino, farmers market fruit and cheese) and cuddle the baby at their kitchen table while talking.

I could have written this "I spoil their kids and am so happy that they are happy...But I feel so... lonely. I don't think I want to start trying for kids for another year or two. I still feel really young and want to get more settled into married life." There were many times that I felt like the odd man out. It is normal. If it has reached the point where it is bugging you. Ask your friends if you can do a girls night out. Many new moms will be delighted to have a night with no kids. Others will be too exhausted to join and others won't be able to find a sitter. Your friends are still your friends even though their lives have gotten more complicated. Hang in there and most will be there for you.

[Susie]

I am in a similar boat, except that I don't have the single friends (they're all married with kids), and we're older - coming up on 31/34 in the next couple months. We plan to have kids, but aren't ready yet.

I have really enjoyed spending this part of my life on hobbies. I joined a triathlon club, got into that, am working on the house, traveling, etc. It's all memories and experiences that friends who just went "life milestone, life milestone, life milestone," engaged-married-baby missed out on. I also got to meet some people who were doing more of a similar plan to ours. It's really nice. Kids will be there when we're ready.

[Cheerio]

I know you've gotten a lot of other replies, but I thought I'd chime in as well. Most of my friends were married and had their first kid within a few years. DH and I got married at 24, but I didn't feel like I was ready for a kid yet, so DH and I waited. We finally felt ready when we turned 29 and DS was born after we both turned 30. We had our first ultrasound around our fifth anniversary.

I had a lot of people ask us why we didn't have kids or when we were planning to -- especially after we'd been married a couple years. When I announced my pregnancy, I actually had some people tell me that they thought we weren't planning on having kids at all.

I would not trade the time that we spent just the two of us for anything. Acutally, I wish now that we had taken better advantage of it. We had a lot more money and could have travelled a ton or gone out all the time.

Just keep on with your own plan and don't worry about what other people are doing or thinking. I think the feeling of being "ready" came to me gradually and I was finally able to imagine life not centered around just myself and DH.

[aweilba]

Thanks, ladies. I'm glad to know that this feeling isn't totally insane to have.