Not breaking off the engagement

[Bernadine]

I can't remember your OP, but I'm glad you guys are taking your time.

[fairydust]

That's great you talked to him. Going forward, I would still listen to your gut though. Things always seem great after talks have been had but can quickly go back to how they were to begin with. I'm definitely not trying to be a pessimist because I think you're trying to take the right steps. Just keep listening to your gut and how you're feeling. That's all. Those who care about you will support any decision you make and in the end, you'll be happy. I hope things work out for you.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure how he can change all those behaviors so quickly. I'd be weary of "promises" in replacement of actions and I would move ahead cautiously in this relationship.

[gozf]

Best of luck to you and your children.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 6, 2012 11:42:30 GMT -5 doglove said:

I'm not sure how he can change all those behaviors so quickly. I'd be weary of "promises" in replacement of actions and I would move ahead cautiously in this relationship.

yeah. The words are easy, it's the actions that are hard. i just don't see this changing any time soon. best of luck.

[stephbfan]

Good luck and make sure if there are changes, that those changes stay a while so not just jump and say things are already better because he has been good for 2 weeks.

Good luck!

[reginaphalange72]

Dec 6, 2012 11:35:10 GMT -5 fairydust said:

That's great you talked to him. Going forward, I would still listen to your gut though. Things always seem great after talks have been had but can quickly go back to how they were to begin with. I'm definitely not trying to be a pessimist because I think you're trying to take the right steps. Just keep listening to your gut and how you're feeling. That's all. Those who care about you will support any decision you make and in the end, you'll be happy. I hope things work out for you.

Fairydust said it well. I think it's great you talked, and I hope things go well for you both. As someone who put a wedding on hold to fix problems, went ahead with the wedding, and is now getting divorced, my only advice is to continue to listen to your gut, and don't be afraid/embarrassed to call it off if you don't feel like things are right. Big (and lasting) change is not something that happens overnight. When this happened to me and STBXH, things improved, but as soon as I started planning the wedding (a few months later), things went right back to the same old bag of crap. But at that point, I was too embarrassed to call it off for a second time, so I went through with it, knowing full well I wasn't happy. And look where that got me.

I hope you two are able to work through it and come out happy on the other side - either way. Good luck!

[doriswe]

I think it's a bad idea....but I'm a judgy bitch! You shared some significant issues here with him and his kid. Stuff like that doesn't just magically change overnight because you have a good talk.

[Deleted]

I think you are just talking yourself into getting married. You don't go from having overwhelming anxiety and not wanting to move in with someone, to after one conversation it all being okay. Also I think if you have to go to couple's counseling this early on it's a bad sign honestly.

[prettyinpearls]

Dec 6, 2012 18:32:49 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think it's a bad idea....but I'm a judgy bitch! You shared some significant issues here with him and his kid. Stuff like that doesn't just magically change overnight because you have a good talk.

:Y: :Y: :Y: :Y: :Y:

Nothing about this sounds like it will end well.

[Deleted]

are you kidding me? you had a talk and now everything is magically all better? you need to go to counseling ALONE and ASAP! i think you are grasping at straws for some delusion you have created in your mind. this is bad news. it actually pisses me off that you are puttinl.g this douchebag before your child. disgraceful and i dont care how bitchy i sound.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 6, 2012 21:42:54 GMT -5 mags said:

are you kidding me? you had a talk and now everything is magically all better? you need to go to counseling ALONE and ASAP! i think you are grasping at straws for some delusion you have created in your mind. this is bad news.

Team Mags. And everyone else. I tried to be polite, but, your KID is in jeopardy here, it's not just about what YOU want and what HE says, change will NOT happen overnight and you need to get your CHILD out of this dangerous situation.

[winecat]

I am floored that you are putting your child's current and future mental health at risk by staying in this relationship and exposing him to abuse via bullying. I am FLOORED that a mother would do this to her child. I hope you start saving for therapy.

[doriswe]

Andplusalso, WHEN something horrific happens to your child because you did not remove him/her from this situation, do not come back here and look for some "that rat bastard" support.

[Deleted]

Dec 6, 2012 22:18:29 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Andplusalso, WHEN something horrific happens to your child because you did not remove him/her from this situation, do not come back here and look for some "that rat bastard" support.

and know that YOU will be partly to blame

[doriswe]

Dec 6, 2012 22:20:22 GMT -5 mags said:

Dec 6, 2012 22:18:29 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Andplusalso, WHEN something horrific happens to your child because you did not remove him/her from this situation, do not come back here and look for some "that rat bastard" support.

and know that YOU will be partly to blame

And all God's children say "Amen"

[Deleted]

No, nothing is ever perfect, but that doesn't mean you should settle for this kind of behavior in a relationship or marriage.

[prettyinpearls]

Dec 7, 2012 11:07:03 GMT -5 shakester said:

Ok. This was the first time I brought to FI's attention the bullying issue. He is going to talk to his DD's counselor about it, and also be more conscious of the kids when they are together. I'm going to see what happens. There are always issues when families are blended together. Nothing is ever perfect. I am in counseling right now, and I have already discussed this issue with her. I'm doing what I feel is best for everyone.

Bolded sentence #1 - Not true – you told us that you’ve talked to him many times before and he doesn’t see the big deal in it. You also stated that you have issues with the way he parents. You’re wanting to create a blended family with this man you and don’t like the way he parents?

Bolded sentence #2 - No you’re not – you’re doing it because you’re afraid of being embarrassed and looking like a fool to everything. Those are your exact words.

One weekend doesn't change anything. He can tell you whatever he wants, but nothing truly changes over the course of a few days.

[kaneen]

This has disaster written all over it.

[missbetty1]

Dec 7, 2012 11:15:57 GMT -5 doglove said:

No, nothing is ever perfect, but that doesn't mean you should settle for this kind of behavior in a relationship or marriage.

:Y: :Y:

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 11:07:03 GMT -5 shakester said:

Ok. This was the first time I brought to FI's attention the bullying issue. He is going to talk to his DD's counselor about it, and also be more conscious of the kids when they are together. I'm going to see what happens. There are always issues when families are blended together. Nothing is ever perfect. I am in counseling right now, and I have already discussed this issue with her. I'm doing what I feel is best for everyone.

No, you are doing what you feel is best for you, not your child,. /You can try and rationalize this all you want, but the truth is this is about YOU and no one else.

Backtracking and changing the story isnt going to work with this group. We remember what you said in the OP.

I feel sorry for you and your child, I am not saying that to be snarky i really mean it.

[prettyinpearls]

That’s the beauty of ProBoards. It only takes a few clicks of the mouse to find your original post and everything you said on it. Like Mags said, you’re completely backpedaling.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 14:45:23 GMT -5 shakester said:

I thought I would get a little more support from this group. You guys are super judgemental and snarky.

We can't support asshatery especially when someone's kid is being abused.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 7, 2012 14:45:23 GMT -5 shakester said:

I thought I would get a little more support from this group. You guys are super judgemental and snarky.

No, we are honest. You have support when you make good decisions, you get a rude awakening when you make bad ones. You know the truth-there will NOT be change overnight. You ADMITTED you have talked about this with him before, and then said you NEVER mentioned it to him before-so you lied then, or are lying now. I understand WANTING it to work, but you need to put your CHILD first, and you aren;t here. Break it off with him, give him time to fix these problems (a conversation WON'T DO IT) and IF in the future, things are fixed THEN we will support you getting back with him. BUT allowing your child to be subjected to bullying in the interim while ATTEMPTING to make a change (which may never happen) is NOT putting your kid first, and YOU KNOW IT, you just don't want to admit it.

[gozf]

Dec 7, 2012 14:45:23 GMT -5 shakester said:

I thought I would get a little more support from this group. You guys are super judgemental and snarky.

Wrong.

You posted that you were fearful for your child's safety and that you had major issues with your SO's parenting style. Those are major things, and you're being super breezy about them. People are up in arms b/c it's a big deal. YOU thought it was a big deal yourself, not too long ago.

[gozf]

Dec 7, 2012 14:49:42 GMT -5 shakester said:

My child is not being abused. Not in any way. He is healthy and happy. You don't need to go off track and overexaggerate facts.

That's not how you portrayed it before.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 14:49:42 GMT -5 shakester said:

My child is not being abused. Not in any way. He is healthy and happy. You don't need to go off track and overexaggerate facts.

Oh so the nine year old wasn't throwing things at him?

[gozf]

Look, maybe you were exaggerating before, in order to garner more support. Even though that's weird, I kind of hope it's true. Because the alternative is that you have shit for brains. And I hope that's not the case.

[achase123]

Blended families are difficult under the best of circumstances. Good luck making it work when your FI is a douche who mistreats your children.

I agree, it's a disaster in the making. But hey, feel free to ignore all of us. We'll be here waiting to say "I told you so" when you're back in 9 months when shit hits the fan and you're filing for divorce.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 14:54:30 GMT -5 shakester said:

I don't think I said I was fearful for my child's safety. If I did, I was referring to FI's 9 year old DD. My FI is great with my son. Having issues with FI's parenting style does not = abuse.

YES we are referring to how the nine-year olds behavior (which FI refuses to correct) is ABUSE to your son. Abuse doesn't have to come from an adult.