Thoughts on familial obligation

[KKD]

This is probably the thing that H and I disagree on the most. We are extremes: on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being a strong sense of familial obligation, I am an 11. H is barely a 1.

His grandfather's funeral was this morning. It was a small service, but of course I wanted to go. (I should also mention that I suffer from Catholic guilt, while none of his immediate family is religious.) I made arrangements for my mom to watch the girls which involved taking Emily to her five-year well visit this morning. However, H decided -- no, insisted -- that because she'd be getting shots, I needed to be the one to go with her and skip the funeral. (Rescheduling the appointment would have meant waiting until late January, which would consequently set back all of her future annual well visits.)

His reasoning is that OUR family should always come first. I agree with that, of course, but as much as possible, I try to fulfill my obligations and responsibilities to the rest of our family as well. Admittedly I do often go out of my way to help my parents and siblings in particular, but I don't think it's ever at the expense of our little family, although he does not always agree. (The night before I had offered to babysit my newborn niece at my IL's party this weekend so my sister could then leave to go to another party and then pick up niece from our house afterwards. Not too complicated, right? lol.)

But back to today, it's not like I was considering sending Emily to the doctor by herself; my mom is fully capable of comforting her and even better than I am at spoiling her with treats. And it's not like I was leaving her with my mom while I got my hair done; it was his grandfather's funeral, for goodness sake.

So, like I said, we are both extremes. He gets frustrated with me for wanting to do too much; I get upset with him for not wanting to do enough. Many times I will do whatever I think needs to be done while he uses the excuse of staying home with the girls.

Anyway, long story short, how goes the sense of familial obligation in your house? Do you and H feel the same, or are you as different as we are? How do you compromise?

[ans1999]

I can't imagine not going to my immediate grandfather's or my husband's grandfather's funeral especially in favor of a doctor's appt. I probably would have rescheduled her appt.

ETA: I would reschedule because I don't think pushing back her yearly exam a month or so is a big deal.

[wrathofkuus]

You are Mr. Kuus and I am your husband. We bicker about it like the two of you do.

[karmasabiotch]

Immediate family first, then extended family. We are both very close to our families but express it in very different ways.

[bostonrunnah]

Dec 12, 2012 12:15:30 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

You are Mr. Kuus and I am your husband. We bicker about it like the two of you do.

This, exactly.

[Ruby Gloom]

On your scale, I am about a 7, he is a 4. Unless it has to do with his mom, then he's a solid 9.

This is what we do: If it's my side of the family, I decide if we go/don't go, based on how important I feel it is. If it's his side, he gets to choose. We rarely, if ever, go to family events seperately, so if one of us goes we both go, unless work prevents it.

In your instance, we would've gone together and my mom would've taken N. Or, I would've rescheduled the visit. But, like I said, we pretty much go everywhere together because we like it that way.

[scotty]

Firstly, you sound reasonable.

In our home, we focus on us, first. If we had a child, I would put our little family unit's needs ahead of things if I had to, but I'd also want to show support for extended family when possible. We don't have a lot of siblings, and we're out of state, so it's easier to just focus on us.

[Deleted]

I think my husband and I are at about the same place on the scale of familial obligation.

Regardless, I think each spouse should each dictate the level of participation for his or her respective families.

Here, it was your husband's grandfather who died, so it should be your husband's call on familial obligation.

[fuckyourcouch]

i only have familial obligation to the family members that treat me with some love and respect. i won't go out of my way for the ones that treat me or my family like shit. this basically means my h and i will go out of our way for my parents and our closest friends. the end.

[pantsparty]

I am you, H is more your H. He has some grudges with his own family and he does not extend the effort with them. I go home at least a few times a year and make room in my schedule for important family events.

I do think it's a little odd it was SO important to not set back this appointment. A funeral outweighs a doctor's visit in my mind, every time.

[eddy]

I think a funeral of a grandfather is something you should be at as a spouse. A well visit if there are no concerns would be something I wouldn't have a problem letting someone else do.

[papie]

I am you and my h is your h. I feel you so much.

[ECB]

Dec 12, 2012 12:18:51 GMT -5 fuckyourcouch said:

i only have familial obligation to the family members that treat me with some love and respect. i won't go out of my way for the ones that treat me or my family like shit. this basically means my h and i will go out of our way for my parents and our closest friends. the end.

This is part of the equation for me too. We've had people in our lives that we'd go out of our way for over and over, then we realized that they never return the favor. So... I don't feel the urge to go out of my way anymore.

But all in all - I think DH and I are about the same, and we're kind of in the middle.

In your situation, I'm on your side. And my DH would agree too. You should go to the funeral. Your DD will be fine w/ your mom. Shots do not trump funeral.

[papie]

I also think rescheduling by a month is nbd.

[ECB]

Dec 12, 2012 12:11:21 GMT -5 KKD said:

(Rescheduling the appointment would have meant waiting until late January, which would consequently set back all of her future annual well visits.)

BTW - have you confirmed this? I assumed that if DS had his annual on (let's say) Dec. 17th, he couldn't go until Dec. 18th the next year (which I KNOW is how my mammograms work).

however, I called my insurance a few months ago about something and I found out that "anytime after July" is when I can take him for his annual.

My insurance isn't as specific with his well visits as they are w/ other things. It's still only one a year, but I have a wide frame of when that can take place.

[peachykate]

I think DH and I are similar when it comes to my family.

With his family I let him decide. They don't really care about me either way so if he didn't want me there than I wouldn't go. Now, I can't see him not wanting me to be there for support but if it was for something else than I would just go along with it.

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 12:17:17 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

It sounds more like he did not want you there, for some reason.

I would of course have gone to the funeral, with the children. I can't imagine not rescheduling a routine drs visit.

The funny thing is that FIL had called the other day to tell me that I didn't need to go if it was too complicated. As if I were ever one to give up on anything because it's too complicated. lol.

Meanwhile, my great aunt died last week, and after I went to the viewing with my parents, my mom sent me a note thanking me for going because it really meant a lot to her. I got the feeling that it wouldn't have meant a thing to my ILs if I went today, not because I am not important to them, but because they just wanted to get the whole thing over with as easily as possible.

They explicitly told me that they did not want the girls to go.

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 12:21:54 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

I do think it's a little odd it was SO important to not set back this appointment. A funeral outweighs a doctor's visit in my mind, every time.

Dec 12, 2012 12:28:25 GMT -5 papie said:

I also think rescheduling by a month is nbd.

I know it seems silly, but it would have been set back by two months, and to be honest it's just easier for me to remember to schedule it near her birthday.

Dec 12, 2012 12:30:36 GMT -5 ECB said:

Dec 12, 2012 12:11:21 GMT -5 KKD said:

(Rescheduling the appointment would have meant waiting until late January, which would consequently set back all of her future annual well visits.)

BTW - have you confirmed this? I assumed that if DS had his annual on (let's say) Dec. 17th, he couldn't go until Dec. 18th the next year (which I KNOW is how my mammograms work).

however, I called my insurance a few months ago about something and I found out that "anytime after July" is when I can take him for his annual.

My insurance isn't as specific with his well visits as they are w/ other things. It's still only one a year, but I have a wide frame of when that can take place.

Kate was supposed to have her 18-month well visit in early October last year, but we were on vacation and weren't able to schedule it until late October. When I called to schedule her two-year visit, I was told I had to wait until the end of April. I never did confirm with my insurance, though.

I only realized I had the appointment today on Monday, and rather than dealing with the insurance issue, I thought the easier solution was to have my mom take her instead. H did not agree, nor did he think I should reschedule the appointment. If he had really wanted me to go to the funeral, I absolutely would have rescheduled and dealt with the insurance later. But, yeah, I ended up with the feeling that nobody really wanted me there anyway. (His cousins' spouses didn't go either, but they would have had to travel from New England and arranged overnight care for their kids.)

[Deleted]

I don't understand the insistence on going if your husband and his family said not to go.

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 12:42:16 GMT -5 mooselovah said:

First question --- did he like his Grandfather? This will change my answer. If its no -- then he is using your daughters appointment as a way out. I get this. One of my Grandfathers was a bastard.

If he did like him -- then your right.

Does he also just miss spending time with the girls? I might be less about obligation and more about needing to spend time with them regardless of how that happens.

I do think this played a big part in both H's and my FIL's feelings. I know H never felt very close to his grandfather, and I've heard that he wasn't the best father to FIL either. FIL has also always held a grudge after his dad remarried so quickly after his mom died.

Still, I was raised to believe that it's important to pay your respects. I mean, my own dad ended up going to the funeral when I didn't even go! I'm pretty sure he was the only non-family member there, and even though I told him that it was a small service, he went anyway. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO. lol.

[lissaholly]

Hmm. I would probably grudgingly reschedule the appointment as a compromise.

That said, I think we are both about a7? However, we operate a little differently on a ranking of individuals scales. I try to puts forth the effort I want to put forth, not based on the effort that an individual gives me. DH uses the thought process " they would do it for me/ they wouldn't do it for me. I think that is limiting, because admittedly my family is more lax than his and I would miss out on a lot if I did that. Not that I put huge efforts in, I just travel to them more.

[Deleted]

But that's not what his family does.

Different families, different customs.

[dana2006]

Ditto miso. Since it's his family, I'd take his cue.

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 12:44:06 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

I don't understand the insistence on going if your husband and his family said not to go.

They only said not to go because they seemed to think it would be too inconvenient for me (or at least that is what they claimed, although H is adamant that it's not because they didn't want me there), and for me, a minor inconvenience is not a good enough excuse for missing a family member's funeral. Ultimately, though, I didn't put up too much of an argument because it was H who was insistent, not I.

Dec 12, 2012 12:18:46 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Regardless, I think each spouse should each dictate the level of participation for his or her respective families.

Here, it was your husband's grandfather who died, so it should be your husband's call on familial obligation.

I think this sounds like a reasonable compromise for the future.

[ECB]

Dec 12, 2012 12:49:20 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

But that's not what his family does.

Different families, different customs.

Yeah, w your additional information, it changes my view a bit. Your DH AND his dad said "don't go". They wanted it small.

But now you and even your DAD are insisting "our way is the right way" and you're kind of steamrolling over your DH's family and their feelings.

I don't really feel that's right either.

There is a middle ground. I get your desire to go, but if his family REALLY doesn't want a lot of people there, is telling the spouses not to go, etc, somewhere in this is also the issue of respecting their wishes.

This isn't just about you and your DH and his personal views of famililal obligation.

[limey]

I guess both H and I are lower on the sentimental side.

For example, H's maternal grandmother died earlier this year and she wanted to be buried in a small towns they lived in decades ago. H said I didn't have to go, so I chose not to, along the lines of what everyone else is saying about following your H's leads on his family.

Even MIL didn't go, since she and SFIL had a cruise planned. There's some backstory here, but it's not relevant right now.

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 12:57:56 GMT -5 ECB said:

Yeah, w your additional information, it changes my view a bit. Your DH AND his dad said "don't go". They wanted it small.

But now you and even your DAD are insisting "our way is the right way" and you're kind of steamrolling over your DH's family and their feelings.

I don't really feel that's right either.

There is a middle ground. I get your desire to go, but if his family REALLY doesn't want a lot of people there, is telling the spouses not to go, etc, somewhere in this is also the issue of respecting their wishes.

This isn't just about you and your DH and his personal views of famililal obligation.

But like I said, it's not that they told me or the other spouses not to go because they didn't want us there, it's because they didn't want us to go through any hassle to be there. Likewise, FIL had said my parents were welcome to attend but didn't need to feel obligated to go because of the inconvenience.

No one ever once said, "Please don't come, we are keeping it small and immediate family only."

[KKD]

Dec 12, 2012 13:12:12 GMT -5 c7 said:

Do you hear that? It's you projecting your own sense of familial obligation onto your DH.

At least that's what I'm hearing.

I know. This is how my disagreements with H usually play out as well. lol.

[adhdfashion]

I would just reschedule the appointment. Funerals trumps a doc appointment in my book.

[Deleted]

Dec 12, 2012 13:15:52 GMT -5 KKD said:

Dec 12, 2012 13:12:12 GMT -5 c7 said:

Do you hear that? It's you projecting your own sense of familial obligation onto your DH.

At least that's what I'm hearing.

I know. This is how my disagreements with H usually play out as well. lol.

Well, at least you recognize it now, so you can work on keeping the projection in check!