Welp, no SAHM for me when we have a kid (long)

[hokiegirl82]

H and I both work full time, and have finally made the decision to have a child next year. Part of me has always wanted to stay at home when we have a kid, but we live in the DC metro area (VHCOL) and I knew this probably wasn't a possibility. H got a new job a few months ago with a slight salary raise, and a guaranteed bonus every year that is a percentage of his salary. I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few months, and I brought it up to H that I would really like to be a stay at home mom when we do have a child, if it is financially possible. H said it might be possible, but it might be extremely difficult and we would have to make a lot of life changes. I told him I knew we would have to make some changes, but I didn't want to stay at home if it meant we had to eat rice and beans for the rest of our lives. But, of course in my head, I thought "we can make it work on just his salary with a few changes."

Welp, we finally sat down tonight and H whipped out his excel spreadsheet with the budget he keeps, and he broke down the numbers for me tonight. We would literally be living on an extremely strict budget and doing nothing fun, no vacations, etc. if I stayed at home, it is not worth it. We would have to sell H's car, his motorcycle, be extra super careful with every cent we spent, it would be miserable, just for me to stay at home. Unfortunately the big money decisions we've made over the past 6 years (buying a single family home when the market was still really high in early 2007, buying 2 brand new cars, 2 new motorcycles, etc.) were made based on a 2 income family - we aren't struggling monthly with these bills, but it is all based on 2 salaries.

I'll be honest, my biggest reason for wanting to stay at home with a kid is mostly selfish - basically "I just don't wanna work" and have to raise a newborn is my reason. I work with plenty of women who have children, who have had babies in the 5 years I've worked there, and some of them would love to stay at home, but can't afford it, so they just suck it up and deal with working and having a young baby/child. I really didn't want to deal with work and a newborn, but I also don't want us to live on rice and beans just so I can stay at home. Thankfully I like my job and can see myself working there for awhile longer and they are family friendly, so it shouldn't be so bad to continue working there when I have a kid.

We may only be living in this area another 1-3 years so I may be able to stay at home depending on where we move. Just kinda sucks to see the numbers and realize it's not possible unless I'm willing to give up a lot. I'm still excited to start TTC next spring, whether I have to continue working or not - I finally feel ready to be a mom.

[Deleted]

Honestly, I'm surprised you are just figuring this out now.

I think most people who end up being about to SAH plan way ahead for it. They make budget choices all along that will allow one person to SAH - buying a smaller house, buying older cars, having a ton of money saved up, etc. I would find it very unlikely that most people who care about financial stability just suddenly decide they could live comfortably without one of their incomes. I guess maybe some people make a lot of money though.

My mom stayed at home, and we didn't do things like vacations and fun very often. Vacations were camping when we were little. We didn't eat rice and beans, but we ate a lot of cheap meals and my mom worked very hard to be creative about the grocery budget. We had limited cable (and only because we lived too far from the city to get reception at all without it) and didn't go out to eat, go to movies, etc very much. There are ladies on this board who SAH and don't have to scrimp that much to do it - but I think they are the exception rather than the rule. Most families in our country need 2 incomes in order to do all the things we like to do, and then there are tons of families that couldn't even pay for the basics without 2 incomes.

FWIW I empathize with your desire to stay home. Honestly I don't think I'm cut out to be a working parent and that's a big reason I don't think we're even going to have kids. I am not willing to make the sacrifices it would take to work OR stay home (and neither I or DH really make enough money to have 1 person SAH home anyway). I'm not saying you shouldn't have kids, if you have a strong desire I think you'll figure out how to balance working and having a kid. But personally that thought is terrifying so I can understand your frustration.

I hope this has opened your eyes that you need to be more involved in and have a better picture of your budget, too. I can't imagine being in a position where this news comes as a shock. You should be aware of your bills/income/spending.

[Deleted]

Could you look for something pt after the baby is born. That might be the slight compromise that is needed to make it work.

[Deleted]

Do you really want to stay home, or do you just need a new job?

Agree with pp to start cutting down on some of the lifestyle expenses.

[anna7602]

Ditto birdgirl. I don't know many people in VHCOL areas who own 2 cars AND 2 motorcycles, period, regardless of TTHI. And forget about a SFH (although I've never lived in DC, so I have no idea how the cost of these compares to apartments in the VHCOL areas I've lived in).

I think if you haven't even started TTC yet, you can take time to prioritize your spending and figure out what you really need/want. And why rule out working altogether? You might be able to find a compromise between a FT job and a more flexible job that allows you to spend more time with LO and make money for perks like vacations.

[Deleted]

Could you look for something pt after the baby is born. That might be the slight compromise that is needed to make it work.

[anna7602]

This is a rhetorical question, but for budget-devising sake, what % of your income are you able to save every month? I would work on increasing that % as much as possible every month while you simultaneous work to eliminate some of your big costs- like a 2nd car. I'm sure you are paying a fair amount in insurance, maintenance and gas for a second car when you live in a city with very good public transportation. Your workplace (or your DH's) may even subsidize your public transportation commuting costs by allowing you to pay for your monthly pass with pre-tax income. I would definitely be taking advantage of this, even without the desire to SAH hanging over me.

Also, not sure if you did this, but when you sat down and took a look at a potential SAH budget, did you compare it to a 2-income budget with childcare costs built in? Those costs might eat into your vacation/car/motorcycle fund already even without you staying at home.

[Deleted]

Is it close at all, or no chance in hell? Like if you adjusted your budget to pay off both cars in the next year, would that be enough?

Ditto pps about part time/ freelance stuff.

[saywhatnow]

I know you are upset about it now but, honestly, you aren't even pregnant yet. The reason I say that is before we had kids I thought I'd like to be a stay at home mom too. We had a few things happen right at the end of my first pregnancy which made me decide to go back to work "temporarily". Well, we've had a second kid and I still haven't quit. I found out that I'm just not cut out to be a SAHM. Just not my thing....for a variety of reasons. It's no fun (and does no good) to be stressing about something that isn't going to affect you for at least a year. And who knows, your financial situation could improve by then and it may not be an issue. I hope things work out for you!

[hokiegirl82]

Dec 17, 2012 7:35:28 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

This is a rhetorical question, but for budget-devising sake, what % of your income are you able to save every month? I would work on increasing that % as much as possible every month while you simultaneous work to eliminate some of your big costs- like a 2nd car. I'm sure you are paying a fair amount in insurance, maintenance and gas for a second car when you live in a city with very good public transportation. Your workplace (or your DH's) may even subsidize your public transportation commuting costs by allowing you to pay for your monthly pass with pre-tax income. I would definitely be taking advantage of this, even without the desire to SAH hanging over me.

Also, not sure if you did this, but when you sat down and took a look at a potential SAH budget, did you compare it to a 2-income budget with childcare costs built in? Those costs might eat into your vacation/car/motorcycle fund already even without you staying at home.

We live and work in Northern Virginia (Loudoun County) where public transportation to our jobs doesn't exist, so we have each have a car that we drive. We did do the numbers last night of what childcare would cost, plus we tried to estimate what we would be spending extra with a kid (diapers, formula, etc.) and we would still be ok, maybe just not taking 2 huge vacations every year. We could definitely sell H's car and motorcycle, he could buy something outright with cash, but just because "I don't want to work" doesn't seem like a good enough reason to ask H to sell 2 of the things he really loves.

One big reason we made so many choices based on a 2 income family (buyng a SFH in 2007, 2 cars, a motorcycle, etc) is until about a year ago, we weren't even sure we wanted to have a child. It is something we've thought about for years, and I knew that if we had a kid, I would like to be able to stay at home if possible, but that was a big IF because I didn't even know if I wanted a child. Only this past year did we finally come to the decision that we would try to have a child, and therefore the idea of staying at home finally came to be something we had to think about. I thought with H's new job maybe his slight jump in salary and his yearly bonus would make it possible, but I obviously don't know enough about our finances. I know people are right that I need to have more of a say in our finances and know more about what is going on with them - I hate to admit but I have preferred to let H deal with the finances the past few years and I haven't taken much interest in them until now, but from now on, even if I don't stay at home once we have a kid, I plan on being much more involved in our montly and yearly finances. Last night's talk was a shock to me - I know how much our mortgage is, how much our car payments are, etc., I've just never added them up and compared them to what we make.

The other thing about this is, I actually like my job. Just last week, I got a great annual review, got a really really nice raise, and I love the attorneys that I work for. I work in a family friendly office and I am not stressed from work, so I am pretty sure I could manage working this job with a newborn. The thought of SAH is a nice one, but we would be just scrapping by every month with our current bills on H's salary alone, and I don't want to put that stress on us by choosing to SAH. H said if we really really wanted to, we could make it happen, but it would mean changing a lot of things very drastically, and I don't want to do that just because "I wanna stay at home" - it's not a necessity to stay at home, it's more of a selfish thing for me because I am lazy and don't want to deal with a baby and work. I have seen what can happen to a marriage when the wife decides she is staying at home with the kid no matter what, and the stress it can put on the husband because they are just scrapping by - I don't want to do that to my marriage.

Thanks for the advice - I know I need a swift kick in the butt.

[jackie011]

Nothing is forever. Sounds like you cannot do this right now, but who knows what could happen down the road? Perhaps you'll have a baby, go back to work, and decide to cut back to PT? Maybe after a year or two you & DH reevaluate and realize that you're just not using those motorcycles as much? Just because you're working when the baby is born/young doesn't mean you'll always be working.

We recently had this conversation. We make good money, but we're still paying off a variety of debts. DH is a Fed, so his income is kind of out of his control at this point. At some point he'll make more money, but it's still doubtful I'd be able to SAH full time. I'm sure I'll have to work PT for quite a while, and we're ok with that. I would love to SAH, but it just doesn't seem to fit with our lifestyle right now. I'm lucky, though, as I'd get to bring my baby to work with me! (I'm a Pre-K teacher and we have a baby room in our building)

[mrshandy]

First, I wouldn't consider DC area esp. Loudoun county VHCOL.

I knew there was no way I would never be able to SAH from the very beginning since I make way more than DH.

I'm sorry that reality has caught up to you.

Some people in the DC area put off TTC until they can afford for one of them to SAH.

There are a decent amount of SAHMs in my neighborhood, but they definitely make a lot of sacrifices to get there.

[dochas]

Dec 17, 2012 8:01:07 GMT -5 hokiegirl82 said:

I don't want to put that stress on us by choosing to SAH. H said if we really really wanted to, we could make it happen, but it would mean changing a lot of things very drastically, and I don't want to do that just because "I wanna stay at home" - it's not a necessity to stay at home, it's more of a selfish thing for me because I am lazy and don't want to deal with a baby and work. I have seen what can happen to a marriage when the wife decides she is staying at home with the kid no matter what, and the stress it can put on the husband because they are just scrapping by - I don't want to do that to my marriage.

Thanks for the advice - I know I need a swift kick in the butt.

I agree that it can stress a marriage if both people aren't on the same page, no matter what the issue. But I think there is a little more to this than just "I wanna". It IS hard to have a baby in day care with 2 full time jobs. Will you be going with a nanny or daycare? How long are your commutes, who will do the drop off and pick up? How much sick time do you each have? The biggest stress for the working parents I know is who is going to call in sick when the baby is sick? And it happens A LOT, especially the first year. Moms STILL do more of the baby work than Dads when both are working full time jobs. How will you deal with that stress? How much use will 2 motorcycles be getting with a newborn in the house? What kind of vacations will be fun with a newborn? For us, the vacations we used to take would not work at all with a baby so we wouldn't be taking them now anyway.

Obviously all of these issues won't impact you. But it kind of sounds like you both think that as long as you keep working, nothing will change. I can promise you one thing - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE when you have a baby. It isn't "lazy" of you to want to stay at home. Could you sacrifice the stuff for a year or two? Or reduce your hours? By all means keep working if you want to and/or need to. Millions make it work. But be realistic about the demands. I love having our son - but life changes for sure.

[chessie]

If its something both you and your H want, you can make it work. Nothing says you need these extras, growing up my mom was a SAHM, we went on cheaper vacations, camping, night stays locals and were creative with our outings. Sit down, and figure out what is really important to both of you and your future family, what do you both need, dont look at the wants.

[simpsongal]

I just wanted to chime in with support. We don't have kids yet but I'm of the opinion to see what happens when we get there. I think part time is probably the ideal solution because I don't think I'm cut out to SAH. But I don't know.

At least you took the time to crunch the numbers and do the math. So many families don't seem to do that and they're surprised when they can't make ends meet after losing a salary.

[imojoebunny]

Being a SAHM is not lazy, unless you are gifted with a silent, well behaved child who sleeps through the night and is happy to quietly play alone. I haven't met one of those yet.

I would not SAH if money was going to be super tight, but if you are reasonably young and your DH's career path has a lot of momentum or potential, it might not be as tight for as long as you think it will be. My DH and I made about the same when I quit working. We had planned for the possibility that I would SAH, but had not committed to it. The planning helped because we could easily afford our house and had savings.

In the end, by the time DD was 8 months old, it was clear that daycare was not going to help her health issues. A nanny would have taken over 1/2 my take home pay after taxes on top of DH's income, and still, we would have had a hard time keeping up with our jobs with a nanny, given The lack of backup if the nanny is sick, and having days where we both need to work late. I quit, DH got a new job making more money. He has been promoted several times, and now makes more than we both did combined. The rub is, he could not have taken those jobs if I wasn't home.

[Deleted]

I briefly flirted with the idea of staying at home...until I spent three days with a toddler. OMG. Anyway it sounds like you want to make some financial changes so you have more options and that's a good thing. If you start TTCing in the Spring, the earliest the baby could get here is early 2014 so you have lots of time.

[luvmagoldn]

Hokiegirl 82 - you have PM.

[birdmom]

If you enjoy your job, and it is not stressful and is family friendly, I would imagine that you would be fine working and raising a child. I only say this because I do it. My job is incredibly family friendly, I like it and the stress level is fairly low. It took me a few months to get into the groove, honestly, but I am so glad that I continued to work. DS loves his daycare, we have extra money to do stuff and we're not stressed out about money like we would be if I stayed home. If you have all of those things going for you, I think you could do it.

[countthestars]

I'm sorry that you thought you would still be able to keep all your toys and your two huge vacations while growing your family and losing one income?

[bunch]

SAHing is not for the lazy, for sure. I know you're not trying to offend, and you didn't me, but I can say that my perception pre kid vs the reality of being a sahm were two wildly different things.

[gumi]

Dec 17, 2012 10:08:00 GMT -5 bunch said:

SAHing is not for the lazy, for sure. I know you're not trying to offend, and you didn't me, but I can say that my perception pre kid vs the reality of being a sahm were two wildly different things.

I was about to post something similar.

there is nothing lazy about dealing with a baby but see, this is stuff you just dont know if you dont have kids. i never thought coming into work could be refreshing.

my office is also family friendly, so i have an alternative schedule and work from home often. if you like your job, and they like you, perhaps they would be willing to switch you to a more part time schedule or something. maybe you cant afford 0 income, but you can afford an adjusted income.

[lys]

First, you do not know how you will feel about staying at home vs working until after you have the child and experience the reality of daily life with a baby.
IF you want to stay at home - Scale back, but do not eliminate things that are important to you. Take one smaller vacation vs 2 large vacations, eat out - but less frequently at less costly restaurants, there are many low cost and free entertainment events that are family friendly of which you can take advantage, etc.
IF you want to work - consider PT. IMO, it is the best of both worlds during the first few years.
Any decision you make does not need to be cast in stone. You are allowed to change your mind. This is a matter of priorities and what works best for you , your DH and baby.

[Deleted]

Are there people with babies who take 2 huge vacations a year? I'd figure that luxury would go away regardless of your financial circumstances.

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2012 10:18:37 GMT -5 v said:

Are there people with babies who take 2 huge vacations a year? I'd figure that luxury would go away regardless of your financial circumstances.

um yeah. I couldn't get past that idea, or the idea that staying home with a newborn is the lazy way out...or the idea of having 4 vehicles in a VHCOL area

[bunch]

I've never taken a "big" vacation, so I can't relate there at all. Shrug. We take baby to the beach. I think it's fun.

[BAMFMrsB]

I don't think this is a SAHM vs Working Mom issue. This is a spending issue. 4 vehicles for 2 people on a "VHCOL area" with 2 large vacations a year?

Just admit you don't want to give up your spending habits/lifestyle. That's a better place to start.

[livinitup]

I love being a working mom. DD is in a fantastic child care program, and that makes a HUGE difference in my comfort level with working and her care. But I also LOVE our home life and my relationship with my DH. DH is extremely supportive of me working and takes a very active role in parenting. I really feel like we are partners with our child and life. When I was shortly laid off it was great to be home with DD, but I lost that sense of being a partner with my DH because he worked harder and longer hours and I did more parenting and home maintance. It was a fair split, but I love being back into family- work balance. Last night I went sleep early and when I woke-up, I noticed DH made my lunch, packed DD's child care bag and flipped the wash into the drier. It made my day! Without that kind of support, it would suck to be a mom and a wage earner, but I like the balance in our household and I really think DD benefits from her preschool program. I'm in a new job and I am really excited that I'll be able to take time off for her special events and vacations when school starts. I'm really looking forward to it and feel very connected to her and our family.

[jena]

OK, I have to say that I'm snickering at the idea that you're going to go on 2 "huge" vacations a year with a baby (and yes, I know some people DO travel with a baby, but honestly, not many do. And it's a shitload of work) And you'll be ok sitting at home with a puking, pooping, screaming, newborn while your DH goes riding his motorcycle?? I wouldn't. Hell, DH hasn't even made it to the gym in the 5 weeks since DD was born.

You may find that you don't do a lot of the things you do now simply because you have a baby, not because you can't afford them.

But I think what you really discovered is that it IS technically possible for you to stay home even if it's not your first choice anymore. Which is nice to know if that becomes a necessity. And sometimes it is a necessity. There's no reason to stay home if you don't want to, but I do think that SAH just because you want to is a legitimate reason.

Besides, you never know what those pg and new mom hormones will do to you - I planned to go back f/t after my first... that was 5.5 years ago and I've been working p/t ever since.

Nothing is forever... even if you have to sell a motorcycle, it doesn't mean you can't buy another one in a few years and even if you SAH for a year or two, it doesn't mean you'll be SAH for 10 or 20 years and it doesn't mean rice and beans forever.

[CloudBee]

I couldn't get past your use of the world welp.

I think you need to either find employment with fewer hours, or come to an agreement with your husband on cutting back on spending.