Opinions please: Wedding/Blended family question

[Deleted]

Well I think you should reconsider this marriage for one, not because of these issues, but ones you have posted in the past.

Aside from that, I agree that it's weird he doesn't want any alone time on the night of your wedding. Does he normally put everyone else before you? Is there anyone who could take care of his youngest child? Can you rent your own hotel room for the evening?

I'd like to know exactly what conversation you had with him that sparked a huge argument about wanting some private time with him on your wedding night.

[smock]

So you're going on a honeymoon solo? When is the honeymoon?

Also, keep in mind that the wedding is not just about you two. You're blending two families. At this point your FI's idea of a big beach house family event sounds sweet, especially if you'll be jetting off on a honeymoon afterward.

[smock]

And clearly there is some back story here . . .

[Deleted]

I'm with DL, I'd like to know exactly what the conversation was that turned in to a fight. If you're going off on a honeymoon alone right after I guess I don't see the problem with the family being together the first night. This will be the first night that you are all a married family, not just the first night you're a married couple.

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2012 11:39:25 GMT -5 smock said:

And clearly there is some back story here . . .

pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=so&thread=97257&page=1

pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=so&action=display&thread=101068&page=1

[smock]

Kinda weird how the kids' ages magically changed in your posts. I'm guessing your kids must be Benjamin Buttons since last month they were 6 and 4, but this month they're 5 and 3.

[smock]

And hey, there are two ways to look at this.

Either he's a stand-up guy who realizes that the kids might want to be a part of the celebration. (and personally I hate couple's tables.)

OR he's an asshole who isn't marrying you for the right reasons.

Based on your earlier posts . . .

[ECB]

Well, on one hand, your wedding is next August. It's really a far ways off. A lot of these details don't need to be hashed out now.

However, I'll say this too - there have been issues in the past, and now this. This may also be a part of the "this is WHO he is" lesson that you need to keep in mind.

I have a friend whose DH puts everyone else in the world before her. Everyone. She knew this about him before they married, but still seem shocked and upset when the behavior continued after they got married. They've never actually been on a "real" honeymoon because of this exact issue! Other vacations w/ other peopel always take priority with him.

In your case, it's your (yours and his) kids that he's putting first, and I can't entirely fault him. But at the same time - if you want to be first and if he won't even put you first in one small way that's important to you.... you may need to keep going to counseling and you may need to do some deeper soul searching to decide if this is REALLY going to work.

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2012 11:48:05 GMT -5 ECB said:

They've never actually been on a "real" honeymoon because of this exact issue! Other vacations w/ other people always take priority with him.

Wow!

[Deleted]

Your a jackass for marrying this guy...ive told you numerous times...but hey you are completely aware of what you are getting here....so nothing should surprise you.

[partiallysunny]

In general, I have to agree with your FI. You're blending two families. I think you should make a point to include the children as much as possible. You still have your honeymoon.

But with the added information that DL gave, I think you have bigger problems then just "I want to spend the night with just FI after we are married".

Edit: even though I agree with your FI, I can see where you are coming from. I'm certain there is a compromise here that would make both of you happy. But like I said, you have bigger issues do it's not really important.

[starrieskies]

Dec 19, 2012 11:46:18 GMT -5 smock said:

Kinda weird how the kids' ages magically changed in your posts. I'm guessing your kids must be Benjamin Buttons since last month they were 6 and 4, but this month they're 5 and 3.

funny, I noticed this too... Hmmm....

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2012 12:05:26 GMT -5 mags said:

Your a jackass for marrying this guy...ive told you numerous times...but hey you are completely aware of what you are getting here....so nothing should surprise you.

<3 your response Mags.

[Deleted]

Based on your past posts, it's pretty clear that he isn't putting you first in any part of your lives. I think you need to seriously reconsider this.

I would side-eye you for being upset about not getting a night alone but given that it's a recurring theme I see why it's bothering you. I just think you're picking the wrong issue to make a big deal over.

[Deleted]

I did not realize you were the same person. I recognize your nest name from posts on SO.

[nomad100]

Postpone or cancel your wedding. The issues you have raised are huge red flags.

You two need to be on the same page and right now you aren't. One conversation =/= being on the same page.

I am a SM (DH has 3 kids from his 1st) and we discussed a number of times his parenting style and my parenting style and I thought we were on the same page. But as I saw him parent I realized this wasn't the case so we almost didn't get married.

Why? His words didn't match his actions. He was letting his daughter dictate parts of our relationship through her crying and tantrum throwing, he treated the kids differently letting his daughter get away with things he came down hard on the boys for, and he basically was a total Disney Dad. I wasn't going to sign up for a life with resentful stepsons and spoiled stepdaughter.

It wasn't until I saw that he was doing what he said he would do and following through on consequences for several months did we set a date. Now we are a team. The kids know that if I say no, that means DH will say no too (and vice versa). They know that we have the same expectations and will give the same consequences. I can't tell you how much easier it is to know he will back me up and for him to know I will back him up.

When kids are involved you need to move more slowly and be more sure than if you don't have kids. Given that less than a month ago you weren't sure you wanted to be engaged, I think that marriage is a bad idea.

You need to make sure that your children are safe. That they don't feel that you put them in a position to be hurt or bullied on a regular basis. That they don't end up feeling that you picked a man over their safety. The only way that will happen is if your FI actually decides to parent his daughter and one conversation won't actually make that happen.

[fussbucket]

Disclaimer: Did not read back-story posts.

If you can be this many miles apart in planning a wedding, I can only imagine what the marriage will be like. A wedding isn't a holiday from reality -- it should be an acknowledgment, acceptance, and celebration of your reality. The reality is you two have SIX KIDS between you. There's no getting away from that and there never will be.

If you don't want to marry a guy with four kids who considers their wants and needs, then by all means keep looking.

[shakester]

Good advice nomad...thank you.

[Deleted]

Yeah great advice that will go in one ear and out the other. She will have a talk with him tonight and. Then we see the post saying everything is perfect and we misunderstood what she meant.

[nomad100]

Dec 19, 2012 15:03:46 GMT -5 mags said:

Yeah great advice that will go in one ear and out the other. She will have a talk with him tonight and. Then we see the post saying everything is perfect and we misunderstood what she meant.

Oh, I am sure but since this is something I lived through, I felt like I had to share.

All the back peddling and story revisions, along with "OMG he wants the kids with them after the wedding" drama, makes it plainly clear that she is more interested in her pretty wedding on the beach more than she is in the marriage and all the baggage that comes with it.

[Deleted]

She wants a pretty wedding. He just wants a mother for all these kids.

Sounds like a fantastic match.

[lys]

So, hav e you been seeing a counselor? If not, time to do so if you really want this relationship and want it to work. Otherwise, this is time to say good bye.
I am with your FI and keeping both families together - having a family table and waiting until the honeymoon for your get away alone. You do have a private bedroom, right?

[10nille]

You like opinions, but not advice. My opinion is you are either so desperate to be married you'll marry the wrong person or you are a lying liar. My opinion is you justify putting your children in a situation where they will be harmed. Either by their new stepsister or by the amount of fighting/arguing you and your new husband will be displaying. There is no way you two are compatible. They don't need to see their mom divorced twice. This is NO example to show them. My opinion you will be so offended by this you will not admit it is not a good idea to get married. The man is showing you who he is and what he thinks of your feelings. It's a red flag not a red blindfold. My opinion is you might deserve this guy, but your children certainly don't and please spare me how much they love him. My opinion is you probably did not go to a counselor and/or there have been no changes in how this blended family is going to work. My opinion is for you to stop putting yourself first. Let me know if you want any advice and are willing to take it.

[wrathofkuus]

Why do women act like there are four damn men in the world, when there are literally three billion?!