Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 18:16:43 GMT -5
My husband...not so much. He won't even discuss it right now. Last time it was brought up it turned into an argument and we agreed to give it some time. That was 16 months ago, and I want a baby like yesterday.
Don't do it till he is on board and don't try to force it. I have seen this happen and the end result is not bad. How old are you? Him? Does he definitely want kids, but just not now?
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 18:26:48 GMT -5
We still have plenty of time, and I know this. He's always said that it will happen some day, but he will run through a long list of excuses as to why he thinks we should wait. Most of them are things that won't necessarily ever change, and I'm starting to feel like he won't ever want it as badly as I do.
No, we haven't. I tried to bring it up again this weekend and he shot me down. It ended with me being sad once again, which is where this post is coming from.
Post by Cricket0619 on Jan 20, 2013 18:32:10 GMT -5
I feel for you. This was me and H a while ago and now he is on board. I have had baby fever for a long time. Can you get a time frame from of when he is thinking? How old are you guys? What are his reasons for not wanting a baby yet? Sorry, I know it's hard
your picture is familiar. did you used to have a different name?
have you told him that you think he's throwing up roadblocks that can't ever be moved and you're concerned that this means he never wants children, ever?
Same questions as AutumnRose: How old are you both? How long have you been married? Also, what sorts of non-changing things does he bring up when he makes excuses?
BTW, I didn't mean to sound rude. I wanted to clarify. When you've talked about your future plans and goals, do you just avoid the kids aspect of it all?
My H and I can't really start yet bc of real lifestyle issues (he still is finishing up PhD and we're not in the place we want to be financially because of it). That being said, there have been times that I get all 'awwe babies' and he looked at me like I had 3 heads. I started getting worried he wouldn't ever be interested, but lately he has been more into talking about it happening within the next few years (when we're 29/30). I guess my point is when he's more ready a lot of those reasons you don't think are significant will probably not bug him either.
I'm sure by the time I'm finished typing this, you'll have answered how old you are, but that may play a factor into him just not being ready yet.
Post by karinothing on Jan 20, 2013 18:38:23 GMT -5
Could you talk to him about setting up a date that you will start TTC maybe that will help. Like maybe you can agree on 1.5 years from now or something? I think it is a little ridiculous if he won't engage in an open and honest discussion with you about when he wants to start.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 18:41:32 GMT -5
We've been married for 3 years. He has known for years that I wanted kids, and he always gives me the same answer that it will happen eventually, but the time isn't right right now. When I asked him yesterday if we could discuss a time frame as to when we could think about trying it turned into an argument.
I'm probably the wrong person to ask but I say, DO IT! Just kidding. You definitely should wait until your H is on board. It's so much work, and you both need to feel ready to take that on.
eta: I know it must be frustrating to be ready and not able to discuss things with your H. You're still young though, and have plenty of time.
Does it seem like he's purposely causing an argument to avoid the topic? I'm having a hard time figuring out how to turn that sort of conversation into a fight every single time it gets brought up, unless a person is trying to make it happen.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 19:09:14 GMT -5
jjwritergirl, what you're saying makes sense. He probably doesn't know how he feels about it, and my attitude about the situation probably doesn't help. I'm willing to hear him out if he ever openly discusses it with me.
We still have plenty of time, and I know this. He's always said that it will happen some day, but he will run through a long list of excuses as to why he thinks we should wait. Most of them are things that won't necessarily ever change, and I'm starting to feel like he won't ever want it as badly as I do.
What reasons is he giving for waiting that won't really change? I feel like there are definitely things that can be done to make yourself more ready for a baby (financially stable, stable jobs, good living situation) but I don't think you can ever really be 100% ready for a kid. I'm curious about what won't change that he is using as an excuse.
Has he ever told you that he definitely wants kids?
This is worth a conversation. Does he consider kids inevitable because "everyone ends up stuck with them eventually" or because he'd like to be a dad but would also like to live some life first? There is a big difference.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 19:27:41 GMT -5
His biggest reason is that he travels a lot for work and he worries about not being home enough, but that's part of his job. Even if he had a different employer he would still have to travel.
Some other excuses he has given me are that he wants to buy a house first, get down to one car payment, etc. It would be tight for a little while if we were to have a baby now, but it is definitely something that we could reasonably manage.
The roles were reversed in our marriage, DH would have had kids years ago but I kept pushing back the timeline. We said we'd discuss when we were 30 and I came up with more "excuses" not to start then. I know it upset him, I'm sure he worried I'd never want kids, but honestly I just wasn't ready. The idea of having a kid freaked me out. So the discussion had to be DH "can we talk about kids" and me "nope. Not yet" and he just had to be okay with it. We traveled, had a great time being child free and finally at 33 I told him I was ready. Freaked out when I got pregnant but we're both VERY glad we waited this long. And yes, it is long because we've been married almost 10 years now.
We're in a good place, we're both looking forward to having our baby and we're both excited and terrified together. It wouldn't have been right for us to have pushed it 5 or even 2 years ago.
I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but forcing him to talk about it if he's just not ready won't work. Trust me. Find something else you two can focus on and enjoy until the time is right for both of you. Trust me, it's worth waiting for.
It's hard to be 100% ready, but there are things you can do to get yourself ready, and help ready you and dh for the process. And really, 26 is very young, try to take your mind off it. Mean time, get ready:
1. Financial. Pay off debt, don't accumulate more. Babies are expensive, and aren't going to get any cheaper. Pare down those bills now . 2. Talk to your doctor, and get any tests for diabetes, anemia, thyroid issues etc. Get yourself vaccinated for all kinds of illness, so as to keep yourself well during any pregnancy. Start taking a good multivitamin; the health of the baby is more strongly linked to your nutritional and health status the six months BEFORE you become pregnant than during pregnancy. Exercise, lose weight, get in shape. Save up what sick leave or PTO you can, so that if you do need time off or a long maternity leave, you can offset the economic damage that can cause. Don't blow your vacation on random 'I feel like a day off" days. 3. Get insurance. Life, disability (long and short term), health insurance. 4. Finish your educational goals. It's really, really hard to do this with a baby or toddler in the house. Is there anything you are wanting to do that you have not gotten done? 5. Sit down and do a serious budget. Count every thing you spend money on. Can you live on your dh's income? How will you manage if you have a stroke, or you are put on bed rest for six months? 6. Figure out how you're going to keep saving and keep putting away for retirement, while still having children. Find out how much day care costs (and do not count on your family to do this for you 'free'). Figure out the costs of two or three months off work, your health insurance deductible for a year, coinsurance for a year, so you know what you'll have to pay out of pocket. Save that amount and don't touch it. 7. If your dh is wanting a last hurrah vacation pre=children, save for that . 8. Get your cars in good repair, and paid off. Get expensive things checked on the house; furnace/ac, water heater etc so that when you do have kids, you don't have huge sudden house repairs that threaten your baby fund.
What usually stalls out an otherwise willing person are the huge amounts of what ifs, financial and otherwise. If you can work the financial what ifs, you can put a huge obstacle behind you. Kids cost tens of thousands of dollars in direct and indirect expenses; be planning for these.
I think I'd be mostly bothered that he refuses to at least have the discussion... Not necessarily that the outcome won't give you what want right this very minute. The fact that he won't have the discussion AT ALL would make me most angry.
Well i know I didn't want to have the discussion because it freaked me out so much. I was that not ready. I didn't want to commit to a time frame or talk about when (and break it because I still wasn't ready), I didn't want to plan for it. I just wanted to live the life we had at the time because it was working well and there was no need for a kid.
There were a lot of things we had to do before I was ready for this. And as we worked through those the adding a kid conversation became less scary and something I could start thinking about.
Possibly not the best way to go about it, but that's what I could handle.
Post by cheeseandcrackers on Jan 20, 2013 19:48:27 GMT -5
Honestly, I don't know many guys that want to have babies at 26, it doesn't mean he never wants to have them. I wish he would give you some sort of timeline though.
Alzi, that's just a list to keep her occupied and to address his concerns about having a baby .
I don't know how much money they make, but with two car payments, wanting to buy a house, being so young, him traveling a lot, I can see why he wants to wait a while, reach certain financial goals etc. Those aren't excuses, they're reasons, and that's different.
oh i know, haha. and i agree that those are definitely things to address. that said, at age 26 i was pretty unwilling to set a timeline myself. i had a rolling 5 year plan. anytime babies were mentioned, i said it would happen in 5 years.
Alzi, that's just a list to keep her occupied and to address his concerns about having a baby .
I don't know how much money they make, but with two car payments, wanting to buy a house, being so young, him traveling a lot, I can see why he wants to wait a while, reach certain financial goals etc. Those aren't excuses, they're reasons, and that's different.
oh i know, haha. and i agree that those are definitely things to address. that said, at age 26 i was pretty unwilling to set a timeline myself. i had a rolling 5 year plan. anytime babies were mentioned, i said it would happen in 5 years.
Honestly, I don't know many guys that want to have babies at 26, it doesn't mean he never wants to have them. I wish he would give you some sort of timeline though.
I'll go with this answer for now.
I just want to add that, in my relationship, I'm the one who is anti-kid. Thankfully, my husband and I have discussed this extensively, and we both understand each other's views.