How would you handle this sticky situation?

[lilybug]

I know I'm a newbie, but I really need help!

There is some drama going on in my life. And I have no idea how to handle it with class and without burning a whole bunch of bridges.

So on Easter, my SIL (husband's sister, also my bff) called and, after I had vented to her about some problem in my marriage, spilled the beans on a major secret. Four years ago, when my H and I had just moved back to Texas and I was heavily pregnant with our first son, he slept with my aunt M. He was being paid to fix some things around her house, and SIL said he told her about it that night in a bragging kinda way - "I fucked N's hot aunt, yeah!" ((puuuke))

Anyway, I was in shock. My marriage was not in the best place at that point (our daughter was stillborn in January, and our grieving styles have been... incompatible) but it was nothing compared to this. I confronted H about it that night, and he didn't even try to deny it. He felt 100% betrayed by his sister, but stayed pretty calm and was understanding when I told him that I didn't think I would be able to continue in our marriage without some major therapy.

In the end, he wasn't willing to do therapy, or really to admit that it was his fault at all, so we're splitting. But the issue I need help with is Aunt M. She still doesn't know that I know. In all honesty, her betrayal almost hurts worse than his. She changed my fucking diapers as a baby, for God's sake. My family is really close. I don't want to have a huge, taking-sides drama. So I figure I have a few options.

- Confront Aunt M alone at the next family gathering (as a non-confrontational person, this makes me hyperventilate)
- Write her a letter / email / fb message
- Let her sister, my Aunt S (who is awesome and has been my go-to support person this last month) handle it for me and tell M that I know
- Never tell her

I was really leaning towards never confronting her and letting her draw her own conclusions about why I suddenly unfriended her on FB and divorced my husband... But this past weekend at a family dinner I was joking about not telling the vegetarians that the quiche had bacon, and she said "You couldn't, on your conscience, do that." All serious and reprimanding. I may have muttered something under my breath about "Don't you talk to me about consciences..." and escaped to another room.

It just makes me sick to watch her interact with my children, my parents, seemingly guilt-free. What do I do, ML??

[dana2006]

I'd confront her, either in person or via written communication. B/c otherwise I'd be seething and eventually I'd boil over.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[softspot]

My irrational side says fuck burning bridges & let her know what's up in person, but not at a family gathering. My more rational side says a email will suffice.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Grieving differently is ok, cheating is not.

[snickers]

I am so sorry you are going through this.
If it were me, I would confront her in person, but since this gives you anxiety, maybe the email option would be better. I would not let it just boil over because, well, I am just not like that. She sure as hell would not be interacting with my children, but again, I am a bitch about things like this.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry. I think I would send an email or letter.

[softspot]

And they hid it for 4 years? Is that right? Fuck them. I'm seething for you.

Did your SIL know all this time?

[dcannie]

wtf! i would confront her alone, but NOT at a family function. tell her that you need to speak to her and ask when a good time would be to meet up. this person would sure as shit not be interacting with me or my children ever again.

[lilybug]

May 1, 2013 17:11:10 GMT -5 softspot said:

And they hid it for 4 years? Is that right? Fuck them. I'm seething for you.

Did your SIL know all this time?

Yes, and I'm pissed about that, too. She said she didn't tell me all this time because my marriage was going well, we seemed happy, etc. She is recently divorced herself and has been telling me for months that I'm too good for H, I should leave him, I could do better. So finally she brought out the big guns and outed them. Ugh.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 17:11:22 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Email. Carbon your dh on it, and then blind carbon a bunch of people you both know,then hit send. If she hits 'reply all' her answer will go to all the blind carboned people and she and your dh will be outed for the pigs they are.

Actually BCC won't send replies to everyone.

I would just tell or email her "I know what happened 4 years ago and it is NOT okay.  So don't speak to me ever again.  I won't acknowledge you"

Or whatever you feel.  But that's how I would feel.

I wouldn't involve anyone else, they don't need to know, it's none of their business.  Unless they badger you to "be kind" to aunt asshole because she's upset.  In that case feel free to say "Clearly you didn't know she slept with my ex while we were married and I was pregnant.  I won't be speaking to her again"

[Dezi]

I would confront her in person. I wouldn't have been able to wait like you have though, I would have tracked her down immediately and let loose.

[softspot]

May 1, 2013 17:14:16 GMT -5 lilybug said:

May 1, 2013 17:11:10 GMT -5 softspot said:

And they hid it for 4 years? Is that right? Fuck them. I'm seething for you.

Did your SIL know all this time?

Yes, and I'm pissed about that, too. She said she didn't tell me all this time because my marriage was going well, we seemed happy, etc. She is recently divorced herself and has been telling me for months that I'm too good for H, I should leave him, I could do better. So finally she brought out the big guns and outed them. Ugh.

Yeah, that's some bullshit. Gah.

I know others are saying not to involve anyone else but dang. This isn't your run of the mill cheating.

[lola]

I would be really, really upset with my BFF for knowing this for YEARS and not telling me. But perhaps that's neither here nor there for you. You don't have to take that fight on, if you don't want to.

As for your Aunt, I'd call her up and confront here. Absolutely.

[lilybug]

I'm just afraid that she'll try to deny it and things will get heated. I didn't know this before (my other aunt just told me after this all went down) that she's an alcoholic and was probably shitfaced when it happened. So I don't know if the reason she's acting so guilt-free is because she doesn't remember?

I need to get over my fear and just ream her like she deserves. I worry about what implications that would have for the rest of my extended family, though. Why did they have to fuck everything up?!

[karmasabiotch]

I'd confront her. You will feel better and you shouldn't have the burden of keeping her disgusting betrayal of you a secret.

[hisno1girl]

Confront her privately. Don't do it at a family function.

Tell her you know she slept with your husband and they're both assholes.

If your family asks what happened, tell the truth: Aunt M had sex with my husband when I was pregnant.

Your Aunt & your husband deserve the shunning that they're bound to get.

I'm really sorry they did that to you, and for the loss of your daughter.

[goaskalice]

What a horrible situation. Ugh, personally I would have to confront her for sure. There's no way I'd be able to just go about my life without telling her I know. Writing an email would be my choice, because I'd be able to really arrange my thoughts and not get overly emotional in front of her.

[Deleted]

I'd email so that I could have control over my message and language.

I'm so sorry.

Fuck both of them, this is incredibly low.

[lilybug]

May 1, 2013 17:25:50 GMT -5 dcannie said:

i keep coming back in here because i just can't imagine this. i would also be pissed at sil/bff for knowing all this time, although i understand it's probably an awkward dynamic. idk. and to finally tell you now, when her marriage is in the crapper? it just seems...ick. depending on the relationship there i would distance myself from her as well.

I have. Which is hard, because she spins it as if she told me now "for my own good" because apparently I needed motivation to get rid of H and his asshole ways. She is still my bff, but I am taking a cool-down period, for sure.

[Deleted]

I would confront her. Personally, I would do it in person. As far as what your family does in the aftermath shouldn't be of concern. If they side with her and your (ex?)husband they are just as shitty and your aunt and (ex?)husband. I can't begin to understand how family could do this to family. I wish you the best and hope you find inner strength to overcome this.

((hugs))

[lilybug]

May 1, 2013 17:23:58 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Yeah, I'd probably take the bitchy route and wait for her to mention something about consciences again and they loudly say in front of everyone "Oh, you're talking about consciences? Is that why you fucked my husband?"

This probably isn't the most mature way to handle it though.

Haha, I would LOVE to do this. But I think my grandma would have a stroke.


This aunt is the baby of the family and has always been coddled and catered to. I would love nothing more than to ruin her completely, but she has young-ish kids that are close with my kids, and I'd hate to lose them, too.

[flex]

I'd talk to her privately and not send an e-mail. Do it in person.

I'm not a big fan of seething over something and then muttering under your breath prior to blowing up over it. Deal with it now, in person, away from the family function.

[WOT?*]

(Am I too cynical or was recently divorced SIL hoping to have an also-divorced BFF/former-SIL to commiserate with her rather than a moderately happy one who "wouldn't understand"?)

I would tell aunt but if you need to do it in e-mail, do it in e-mail. I would seethe from holding it in.

I am so sorry.

[papie]

I am so sorry.  I would send her a letter saying how I don't want to see her ever again and explaining why.  And tell your parents. 

[lilybug]

May 1, 2013 17:33:07 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

(Am I too cynical or was recently divorced SIL hoping to have an also-divorced BFF/former-SIL to commiserate with her rather than a moderately happy one who "wouldn't understand"?)

I am sure this was a factor. Positive. Although we now live 1000 miles apart, so I'm not sure what she thought she'd gain from this, it's not like we can go out and party together. 

She definitely did not expect the side-effect of losing her brother. I doubt if H will ever speak to her again.

[Deleted]

I can't get over this.

And fuck any family member that sides with your aunt over you. Trust, you're weeding out some real assholes this way.

[flex]

One thing that grosses me out: Your H admitted to HIS OWN SISTER that he screwed your aunt? Yuck! He sounds like a gross person.

[Deleted]

May 1, 2013 17:40:36 GMT -5 flex said:

One thing that grosses me out: Your H admitted to HIS OWN SISTER that he screwed your aunt? Yuck! He sounds like a gross person.

This what I was thinking. I can't be the only one who is super squicked out.

[chickadee77]

I'm not confrontational, either, but I think I'd try to handle this one personally, just to make sure you're heard and the situation is clear going forward. Emails go to spam, or get deleted, letters get lost... I would want to make sure if she goes silent, you at least know SHE knows you know.

And you know what? This is also a case where it's okay to be emotional. You're going through some SHIT, ma'am, and it does not make you weak if you get choked up, or angry, or whatever.

And, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your little one. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm so sorry. 

I would confront her in person. I would stay calm, and I would shame her instead of yelling and screaming. You will get the last say, and you can move on with your life without her.

[lilybug]

Thanks all, I guess it's pretty obvious what the right answer is here. I was really starting to lean toward letting my other aunt tell her. I don't even know what my email would say except RAGE RAGE RAGE.