I'm one of you ladies. I'm a wife, a mother, and contrary to what you may think of me after I post this, I think I'm a good human being. I never woke up one morning and thought, "Oh, let me become a homewrecker"... but I'm getting ahead of myself here.
I think I'm falling in love with a man who isn't my husband. 2 years ago, I became friendly (probably too friendly) with a co-worker. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I don't know what would have happened between him and I. I love my husband, but this other man is so easy to talk to, like my other half that I never knew (until it was too late). I pushed all of the feelings I may have had for him out of my head, and focused on my own marriage and pregnancy.
He moved to another state and joined the military, and now has a girlfriend he has been with for a year. We've texted or sent each other messages on FB occasionally, but nothing more than casual conversation. Until last night, when out of no where he calls me and says he just misses our friendship, so we agree to put any weird feelings behind us (uh, sure) and proceed as friends. And 3 hours later, by the end of the best, most natural and enjoyable conversation I've had in years, I can't help but playing the "what if" game in my head. What if things were different?
I can't and won't leave my husband, who is a good man, for a guy with no car, no house, and a plan to deploy in a year. That is insane.
So how do I stop dreaming of my other life in my head? How do I convince myself to stop reading phoney novels where men and women meet their soulmate and everything just works out? Why can't I convince myself that love isn't a steamy fairy tale?
I DO love my husband (I did state that above) - we've had the same problems that I think a lot of married people have during the first year of our baby's life. And we've been together for 7 years, so things aren't new and exciting anymore. It is a more comfortable, reliable love.
Post by pursemeatballs on May 4, 2013 10:54:31 GMT -5
The fantasy that you have in your head is just that, a fantasy. If you were actually to be with this other man, your "what-ifs" would turn into what-ifs with you and your ex-husband. What if you would have stayed with your husband whom you love and not broken his heart over a fantasy that doesn't actually exist now that you have it?
It's not fair to your husband or yourself to live in a fantasy with another man. Do not contact this man again. You're a couple steps away from ruining the marriage and family that you have built. It could all be gone.
Eh, I think fantasies are ok. I think communicating could be a slippery slope. It's really easy to have chemistry with someone when you don't have to go through the drudgery of day to day life.
Post by gretchenindisguise on May 4, 2013 10:55:14 GMT -5
So make your current relationship exciting.
If you put in the effort to your own relationship that you're putting into fantasizing about the other - you could have a good relationship with your H.
You said it yourself. No car, no house and deploying. That is not exciting, that's stupid. Of course the grass seems greener on the other side, but usually it's not. The other girls have already given you good advice, stop talking to him.
I know I should cut off contact with him. I seriously 100% know that, and if I were any of you ladies I would say the same thing... but...
I don't want to. I want to keep talking to him.
Its a horrible feeling to want to do something you know would hurt your husband and family.
It won't just hurt them, it will RUIN them. You're on a slippery slope and don't seem to care. This dude is deploying in a year. If you make the decision to be with him, in a year's time he will be leaving and you will be finalizing a divorce and you will be alone. With nobody there except for your child every other week. Sounds fantastic, doesn't it?
I don't know what my question is. Obviously I have no idea what I want. I just wish I could come up with a solution where I didn't have to play "what if" for the rest of my life.
Thank you for listening guys. You all put into words what I didn't want to admit to myself, which is that this guy and I clearly can't remain friends, as hard as that will be for me to do. Thank you for your kindness
I don't know what my question is. Obviously I have no idea what I want. I just wish I could come up with a solution where I didn't have to play "what if" for the rest of my life.
FFS. There are probably thousands of potential "what ifs" in the course of a lifetime. Choose not to get bogged down in this one. That's if you actually care to fix your marriage, of course.
Here is how your fantasy would go-You leave your husband, he now hates you. So does his family. You will also lose some friends for leaving him for another man. You go to be with your "soul mate" who you quickly learn snores in his sleep, leaves the toilet seat up, and stays out all hours of the night while you are stuck at home with a kid. You will be allllll alone while he deploys sitting there wondering why you fucked everything up with your marriage for THIS! Then, a few years down the road some guy you just CLICK WITH will come along and you will KNOW he is your soul mate and it is just so...easy! And the cycle will start all over again.
OR you could be a fucking adult, cut off contact with this guy, and get some therapy to figure out how to make yourSELF happy without random male affection.
OR continue fantasizing and do nothing while claiming you can't stop, it's too hard, you WANT to talk to him and possibly ruin your marriage with an emotional affair, then see above and start back over.
Oh shut up. Your screen name is fairly clever, and I'm annoyed you've wasted it on this boring ass drivel. So what I think you should do is see how far things can go with broke dude and share the deets here with the class.
Everybody plays "what if" at some point for some part of their life. That alone isn't bad. I wonder what would have happened if I'd pursued med school with h, and hell, even what would have happened if I'd talked to dining hall boy before I met h in college. But that doesn't matter now because I didn't, and THIS is my life now. A good life.
There is a place for fantasy, but when it starts to impact your reality you need to step back. Put all that "what if" energy into making your life with your h more exciting and fulfilling. Maybe that involves getting a sitter and going out more, maybe it involves counseling for you to move past this, maybe it involves more sex with your h. Whatever it is, find it, erase this other guy from your life and focus on your reality.
Post by underwaterrhymes on May 4, 2013 11:10:47 GMT -5
You need to stop talking to this guy.
Remember, all relationships are exciting in the beginning. Butterflies and good conversation don't mean shit in the grand scheme of things. Also, keep in mind, it's very easy to romanticize things with someone you don't wake up to every day and go through life's frustrations with.
You are all right, (except for 05heels who is just a bitch)... The truth is, I really am happy with my husband, and my love for him is real. I just wish every fucking book I read, or every movie I saw, didn't have these grand sweeping love scenes. Yes, total fiction and maybe I'm just a dreamer, but I read/see these and can't help but feel like I'm missing out on some epic romance.
Post by sparkythelawyer on May 4, 2013 11:17:25 GMT -5
This is annoying. You know what you need to do, but it is so much more fun/exciting/ dramatic to get caught up in all this "OMG! What do I dooooo? I'm so tornnnnn!" Bull crap. Your options are three fold: keep talking to this guy and watch it become a cancer on your marriage, stop talking to this dude because he is not good for your marriage, or leave your husband so he can find someone who wants to talk to him the way you want to talk to this guy. Either way, grow up.
You are all right, (except for 05heels who is just a bitch)... The truth is, I really am happy with my husband, and my love for him is real. I just wish every fucking book I read, or every movie I saw, didn't have these grand sweeping love scenes. Yes, total fiction and maybe I'm just a dreamer, but I read/see these and can't help but feel like I'm missing out on some epic romance.
Oh shut up. Your screen name is fairly clever, and I'm annoyed you've wasted it on this boring ass drivel. So what I think you should do is see how far things can go with broke dude and share the deets here with the class.
Here's the thing -- all those butterflies and omg-awesome feelings you're getting from this guy that you're not getting from your husband because it's "comfortable"? That shit doesn't last. Period. So even if you were to leave your husband and hook up with this guy, those butterflies would fade. And then you'd be left with a guy with no prospects, who would leave you for his job overseas, and no home/no stability/no car.
Everyone fantasizes about the butterflies. You need to learn to appreciate what you've GOT. You have a husband who loves you and a child who needs you, and a nice life where you are. Don't get wrapped up in some kind of fucked-up fantasy just because you're bored.
You're right. So what do I do to make myself learn to appreciate? Clearly I'm failing at this.
Lol at all of this advice. Do people really need to be told this? These things always amuse me. Anyway OP, I'm clearly the only one here who cares about your happiness. Please take my advice into serious consideration.