Hi ML. I don't post much but want some opinions before I yell at DH if anyone wants to give them
Step daughter (14) asked me if she could borrow my laptop. I really prefer that she does not because I use it for work and she always somehow ends up downloading random crap that takes me an hour to uninstall. But whatever I didn't want to have that fight tonight...
I said okay but needed to install updates and reboot first. It does its thing and I walk behind her and see her typing in my password! I was like ummmm how do you know that?? She says oh I just watched you type it, like oh no big deal. I am pissed. If I did that to her it would be the end of the freakin WORLD!
I already know dh is going to say I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. Am I?
No, you are not overreacting. If something is password protected, you ought to have the reasonable assumption that no one else can access it unless you give them the password.
Does your SD have a lot of boundary issues with you and/or your DH?
Post by flamingeaux on May 17, 2013 22:46:49 GMT -5
Yeah but she's 14. Everything is supposed to be the end of the world. I think you are over reacting but I don't think you're out of place for reacting, if that makes sense. Could you maybe have a talk with her about privacy and passwords, and then change your password?
What is your DH supposed to do about this? Was your step daughter supposed to pretend that she didn't see your password? I think the fact that your SD saw your password is just not a situation that your DH can control. I wouldn't say anything to him and I would be more careful if you don't want anyone to know your password.
Eh. I wouldn't be overly angry, but then I'm not a person who has anything super important on her laptop that isn't backed up somewhere else. I'd just explain to her that a password is private for a reason and it isn't polite to look over someones shoulder to gain access to it.
Maybe I would set her up with her own login? This way she can download her games on her login and use her own password rather than hers?
Post by RoxMonster on May 17, 2013 22:54:00 GMT -5
I would probably just not let her use it if you didn't want her to have access to it. I think it is reasonable to say, "Sorry, this is my work computer. It's off limits." Does she have access to another computer if she has to do schoolwork or something?
I would be a little weirded out/unsettled that she knew my password but I probably wouldn't harp on it. I would just change my password right away and be more careful when typing it in.
Post by medicmommy on May 17, 2013 22:54:37 GMT -5
Talk about it, why it's important since it's a work laptop...
Honestly, though, I'm sure she didn't see why it was a huge deal. If she thought she had done something wrong or was being sneaky, she would not have signed on in front of you.
But...why are you comparing your reaction to her's? She's a child.
I definitely didn't mean to compare like that, she is a teenager, I get it. I meant that she is well aware that passwords are private. She knows that we lock the computers down and why. I thought I WAS careful when I typed it, I deliberately turned the keyboard. She kind of jumped when she realized I was behind her watching her type it in...
I do realize that my h can't do much about it, I'm not really going to yell at him . I will tell him I'm bothered by it though and will be changing all my passwords. I'm just bothered because this girl definitely knows that is out of bounds. I love her but teenagers are tough!
Post by margotmacomber on May 17, 2013 23:03:42 GMT -5
If she saw you type it in, it wasn't a good password. I'm not going to lecture you on password skillz but make it long, random capitalization, and with numbers. Also, if it's that big of a deal make sure nobody is looking over your shoulder while typing it in.
I wouldn't be mad that it happened, I would be irritated with myself for letting my password be so easily cracked. Teenagers suck, they do what they want. Fix it so she can't.
I would try to remain calm. While she knows its wrong, she probably doesn't really understand that it's a big deal to you. I thing getting really upset will fuel her dramatics.
My stepkids regularly use our computers but DH has set up specific a separate profile for them. It has a separate password and everything. He has set it so this profile can't download anything and limits access to certain games and programs and also has controls on the internet. We did this because we do keep personal info on our computers and wanted to limit their access to that info.
I would change my password, be more careful when typing it in, and probably no longer allow her to use it if she is downloading crap on it that makes it slow, etc. Tell her to save up her own money for a computer, or tell her dad to buy her one or whatever either way, don't let her bully you into using it.
My stepkids regularly use our computers but DH has set up specific a separate profile for them. It has a separate password and everything. He has set it so this profile can't download anything and limits access to certain games and programs and also has controls on the internet. We did this because we do keep personal info on our computers and wanted to limit their access to that info.
This is how our computer is set up. Important information and download capability are all password protected.
I don't see an issue with her trying to figure out the password. It's what kids do. They don't get privacy, identity theft, etc. My kids are forever trying to figure out the iTunes, computer, alarm codes/passwords. I've gotten good at shielding them and typing them so they can't follow me. That plus periodic changes keeps them out of places they don't belong.
That said, I wouldn't give a kid access to work stuff or important information. If she can't be restricted from that on the laptop, Dad needs to make alternate arrangements...either his computer, or a laptop/tablet of her own if she has legitimate need for access.
No one uses my work computer except me. That includes DH. I have that on lock down.
If you can afford it, I would probably get a cheap desktop computer for the house that she could use, and set up her own profile. That way if she does download something it's not that big of a deal and I wouldn't worry about losing some important work stuff.
The real issue is her lack of boundaries as far as "cracking" your password. As PPs have said, talk to her about the importance of passwords and that it's a violation of personal space to log into someone's computer without their explicit permission. Then change that shit to a better password.
We bought her her own laptop a few years ago but she never has it or brings it when she comes over. We do have a desktop with separate logins but we just moved and it isn't set up yet. She wouldn't want to use that one anyway cause she'd be tied to the office...
I think she just wanted to watch Netflix (no tv yet either), which is fine but all the random teen talk chat crap being installed, overriding my search engine and home page drives me insane.
And whoever said I'm just mad I let her when I don't want her to, pretty much. It's a tough time with her right now and I have to be really careful what I say and how I say it. I guess I do not really know how to tell her "no" in this scenario without starting WWIII. I can tell her it's for work only, but she is not dumb and knows I bought that laptop for myself and use it for things other than work. I can tell her no because you download random crap but that will piss her off make her pull one of her infamous "I'm not getting my way so I'm not coming over ANY more" stunts.
Ugh. Whatever. Password is changed and I will make damn obviously sure when I type it in that NO ONE should be watching
If she wants a laptop to use she can bring hers. Quit tip toeing around her. You guys are the adults - set the boundaries.
You are right, but it is tough. We are about 2 months out from a "no one loves me I want to die" episode which landed her a week long stay in the psych ward. And a gigantic bill... Everyone tip toes right now and it sucks.
Not to invalidate her struggles, being a teenager sucks and kids are awful. But yeah. That's what we are dealing with.
If she wants a laptop to use she can bring hers. Quit tip toeing around her. You guys are the adults - set the boundaries.
You are right, but it is tough. We are about 2 months out from a "no one loves me I want to die" episode which landed her a week long stay in the psych ward. And a gigantic bill... Everyone tip toes right now and it sucks.
Not to invalidate her struggles, being a teenager sucks and kids are awful. But yeah. That's what we are dealing with.
Really? A gigantic bill? That's what you're worried about here?
escrow - Mental illness is a real illness - no matter how much of a financial burden it may be to you. I think rather than worrying about her using your password, perhaps you should worry about some of the other things she's struggling with.
escrow - Mental illness is a real illness - no matter how much of a financial burden it may be to you. I think rather than worrying about her using your password, perhaps you should worry about some of the other things she's struggling with.
I agree with this. Mentioning a week at the psych ward puts a whole new dynamic to the password issue.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
You are right, but it is tough. We are about 2 months out from a "no one loves me I want to die" episode which landed her a week long stay in the psych ward. And a gigantic bill... Everyone tip toes right now and it sucks.
Not to invalidate her struggles, being a teenager sucks and kids are awful. But yeah. That's what we are dealing with.
Really? A gigantic bill? That's what you're worried about here?
Exactly. There seems to be a lot of emphasis on the material things going on here and a lack of emphasis on the actual part of parenting that HELPS a child.
You are right, but it is tough. We are about 2 months out from a "no one loves me I want to die" episode which landed her a week long stay in the psych ward. And a gigantic bill... Everyone tip toes right now and it sucks.
Not to invalidate her struggles, being a teenager sucks and kids are awful. But yeah. That's what we are dealing with.
Really? A gigantic bill? That's what you're worried about here?
Did my post imply that a bill is the only thing I am worried about here? Really? Cause no...
Really? A gigantic bill? That's what you're worried about here?
Did my post imply that a bill is the only thing I am worried about here? Really? Cause no...
I have never heard of someone who mentions a psych ward visit and then says, "And a gigantic bill..." Yes, it is a consideration, but you are talking about walking on eggshells with this child and then mention that big 'ol bill you are responsible for. It seems you resent her for using your stuff and the financial burden she has placed on you and your H, which is pretty shitty considering she is having mental illness issues.