Post by cuddlyevil on Jun 11, 2013 12:14:45 GMT -5
Is that sunshineray?
Yeah, it's totally messed up. I feel bad for her, she kept her mouth shut about some shady dealings in the past and it's only brought more trouble. Her H is a douche and her sister isn't much better.
Post by captainmel on Jun 11, 2013 12:23:11 GMT -5
It sure is. Her husband and her sister are both just trampling on her. She needs some serious self esteem work and she needs to run the fuck away from both of them.
Post by captainmel on Jun 11, 2013 12:41:51 GMT -5
I have no idea!?!? I really feel like both her and her sister have to have some deep seeded psychological problems and her husband realizes it and just manipulates both of them. I rarely feel like there is a point in relationships where it can't be fixed (if both people really want to and are willing to put lots of effort in) but really, I don't think this can be fixed.
That whole post just made me SO uncomfortable. It's really sad that she never felt she could speak up to her DH and tell him when she was uncomfortable. And now it's to a point where she feels she's to blame and that he'll feel blindsided.
And she calls a person who she says is a lying liar who lies her best friend...
Post by cuddlyevil on Jun 11, 2013 13:23:01 GMT -5
I wonder how this is affected her daughter. I know she says her daughter is not exposed to any of this behavior but depending on her age, she is going to notice something.
I hope she gets the therapy she needs because no one deserves to be stuck in a marriage like that.
I wonder how this is affected her daughter. I know she says her daughter is not exposed to any of this behavior but depending on her age, she is going to notice something.
I hope she gets the therapy she needs because no one deserves to be stuck in a marriage like that.
That worries me too. Kids are much more perceptive than I think many adults give them credit for. Even if the child doesn't know details, she may very well be picking up on the emotions that are at play here.
It's her normal. It's hard to fathom leaving when it's just your normal state of being and hard to imagine setting the bar higher when you're surviving with the status quo. Even though it's a horrible place to be.
Her update is sad. That he's better than her abusive ex and that she thinks he is great and adores her. It's just this one thing. I wish she could see that this one thing infiltrates her entire marriage and is not just something to shrug about.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jun 12, 2013 13:18:56 GMT -5
She'll be okay. The fact that she posted about it, and then didn't want to delete it, means that she wants to stop acting like this fuckery is totally fine. It's just as much a process to get out of a fucked-up situation as it is to get into one, that's all.
Post by cuddlyevil on Jun 12, 2013 14:51:52 GMT -5
I agree Kuus, she is taking all of the constructive responses to heart. While she started the post while drunk, I think being drunk just gave her the courage to put it all out there. I sincerely hope she gets a good therapist and works her way out of this.
Post by starrieskies on Jun 12, 2013 16:23:51 GMT -5
ok, I finished reading it this morning. I feel awful for her! But I agree that I think she'll be ok. It'll be a definite process, but she seems to be taking all of the advice to heart. I hope that she stays as strong as she seems to be right now...
I didn't see a point in responding in her post because everything that I could possibly think of (and then some) was already posted by others.
I agree with everything Kuus said in that post. It made me so sad, and I became even more sad and angry when I saw all the women making comments that sounded really blaming. I love that Kuus (and other ladies from here who posted) was supportive and frank without being blaming, shaming, or harsh. My opinion of some of the people who posted had changed, because of how shitty they were.
I agree with everything Kuus said in that post. It made me so sad, and I became even more sad and angry when I saw all the women making comments that sounded really blaming. I love that Kuus (and other ladies from here who posted) was supportive and frank without being blaming, shaming, or harsh. My opinion of some of the people who posted had changed, because of how shitty they were.
I want to know WTF was with the one responder who told the OP to spy on everything he did because that's what she did before marrying her H. Because he was being inappropriate with other women. I realize it likely got lost in the shuffle, but holy hell, she should not be giving advice to anyone, ever.
I had to stop reading after a while because I wanted to smash that guy's nuts with a meat tenderizer. I'm rooting for the OP.
Thankfully she does seem to be listening to Kuus over the others, and she's still asking for help even though he almost convinced her she's the one in the wrong. These are good signs, I'm cautiously optimistic for her.
Last night I almost posted the national DV hotline and told her to call to get help creating a safety/exit plan. Something about the way she described how he is reacting made me feel nervous for her.
Thankfully she does seem to be listening to Kuus over the others, and she's still asking for help even though he almost convinced her she's the one in the wrong. These are good signs, I'm cautiously optimistic for her.
Last night I almost posted the national DV hotline and told her to call to get help creating a safety/exit plan. Something about the way she described how he is reacting made me feel nervous for her.
I was kind of thinking this too. He seems scary manipulative to me but she also seems to be pretty logical right now which makes me think she it less likely to submit to any of his bullshit.
Mel, that's why I'm nervous for her. If he knows he's losing his grip on her, he's more likely to escalate. We have no indication that he's ever been violent, but it's a back-of-my-mind worry that he may escalate as he sees he's losing her. Probably because I know that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 13, 2013 21:08:32 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I came over here tonight to lurk around and see if I recognized anyone from ML. And also because I feel like maybe I should start posting over here as well. I guess I shouldn't be THAT surprised to find this. Haha. At least I don't have to tell my story all over again on this board. ?
Anyway, I wanted to say thank you all for reiterating what (mostly) everyone was saying in the ML thread. I have no idea who said I should spy on my H, so yeah I guess that got lost in the shuffle? Even I had a hard time keeping up with all the responses. That's partially why I kept going back into the thread over the last few days. That and to remind myself of all the tremendous advice and perspective everyone so generously gave.
I'm not naive or stupid, or immature. I'm actually an intelligent and successful woman. As kuus so kindly pointed out, any one of us can find ourselves in a bad situation and be unsure how we got there. I'm not going to come in here and defend my decision to stay for now. I will definitively say that my DD is happy and healthy though. Her emotional health is a priority for me.
Yes, another divorce would feel like a personal failure. But I haven't ruled it out. I'm still very early on in working through this.
And having been in a physically violent relationship, I can assure everyone that neither I nor DD are in any danger. H has been pretty quiet today. He has asked me to elaborate on what I sort of said last night, but I have made it clear that I am currently not ready to discuss it and he hasn't pushed me.
I am still trying to find a therapist, but that is definitely going to happen. There were other things I was going to address from this thread but I'm on my phone and can't see the other posts right now.
So, thank you for the show of support and I have a feeling I'll be hanging around here with you all pretty regularly.
Post by captainmel on Jun 13, 2013 21:25:13 GMT -5
I put the link here because there are a lot of really insightful women here that can be incredibly supportive. I think everyone here would be happy to give you support. I think you will also find this board to be a little bit smaller than ML which made it easier for me to get to know people.
Your H hasn't given off any signs of violence and I am sure you know better than a lot of people that when controlling people lose control they can have pretty severe reactions. I am so happy to hear he is willing to give you the time and space you need to figure out what you need. Once you know that you can make decisions from there.
Sunshineray, I don't think you're stupid or immature or any of that. I think the way you're handling this makes sense, and I hope you're able to find peace soon.
I'm glad you've seen no hint of violence. I just always get nervous about that, too many years of working with women who've experienced relationship violence.
Just remember to trust your gut. You've learned over many years, with your H and your XH to doubt your own instincts. Your gut instinct is there for a reason and it's good to listen to it. You are stronger than you may realize, and deserve a happy life with people who love and respect you around you.