Post by captainmel on Jun 14, 2013 21:25:03 GMT -5
Can you put the texts here? Can you PM them to Kuus? You might not know exactly what has happened but you do know that there has been lots of boundary crossing.
Also, those people who might judge you come secondary to your feelings and needs. You and your DD are the highest priority.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 14, 2013 21:36:57 GMT -5
Good idea. I'll send them to kuus. I am seriously placing a lot of trust that they won't go anywhere else. Again, it's nothing explicit. Just the fact that H lied to me verbally and via text about where he was and what he was doing that night.
Thinking about you, Sunshine! So sorry you keep finding more shady things. I think you are on the right track with a therapist and I'm really glad you already have found one you like. I'm very impressed with your strength.
sunshineray I know you don't "know" anything, meaning having explicit proof, but you've had strong suspicions about two situations that involve crossing of serious boundaries in a way that a married man should never do. That's why I keep telling you to listen to your gut. Your gut, your instinct, your intuition is telling you one thing, while your more rational brain wants evidence and proof, especially because of what you've already been through. I don't blame you, I think it's pretty damn normal.
Most of all, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. We are definitely here for whatever support you need. Big huge hugs to you.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 15, 2013 9:06:42 GMT -5
Obviously, I slept like shit last night. I think I've decided I'm going to write a letter. I don't know what I'll do with it yet (read it to him, give it to him and be there when he reads it vs. not being there,etc.) but I've been starting to mentally compose it. Fortunately you all here and on ML have given me a ton of great wording I can use to make sure he understands why I feel this is inappropriate and unacceptable behavior in our marriage.
Thank you wrathofkuus, for reading what was probably an incredibly convoluted email last night. I'm happy (sad?) that you agree with my conclusions. Also, what wasn't there were the two texts he sent her at 6am the next day. What I saw was enough to make me all WTF, so I'm kind of raging trying to imagine what HE thought was so bad he needed to delete.
I'm hoping to write that letter today. I doubt I'll be able to do it in one sitting, as I imagine its going to be very emotional to see it laid out like that. I'm open to suggestions on wording. Ultimately I think I'll end it with some sort of request that he find somewhere to go for a few days, or until I can have my first counseling session. And then a statement of what I feel like explicitly needs to change moving forward.
sunshineray - I think a letter is a good idea, even if it is just bullet points for talking to him it is so nice to have everything layed out in advance. I also think having him go somewhere else for a while would be a really good idea. Beyweet your gut and kuus, things are off and need to be fixed.
Post by dixienormous on Jun 17, 2013 8:24:28 GMT -5
sunshineray, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this mess. TIP is an AWESOME resource. This is a group of intuitive, intelligent, compassionate and wonderful women who have on more than one occasion kicked my ass. Stick around. You've got support here.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 17, 2013 13:07:19 GMT -5
Sorry I was kind of MIA this weekend. I tried to stay busy. I briefly tried to talk to my sister yesterday about the texts between H and my other friend, but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal and said we should talk about it later. Either way, it's come out over the last few days lots of other things she has lied about, and so I'm at the point where I'm just fucking pissed at her.
So, basically, the three people who are supposed to be the closest to me, are the ones I feel like I can't trust at all. I don't have anyone IRL that I feel like I can talk to about all of this. I did get a call back from the therapist's office but they can't fit me in until the week of the 8th. That's disappointing, but I really do want to see this particular therapist, so I told them I'd wait till then. I'm just waiting on a call back now for the appointment time and stuff.
H has been super sulky the last few days. I don't know what the hell his issue is, aside from me obviously not being all cheery and shit. I could probably cut back on the drinking, which I'm sure would make him less concerned, but whatever. I don't know what I'm waiting for at this point. I can barely look at him. I haven't asked him what's wrong and he hasn't volunteered so I'm just going to keep ignoring it for now.
I don't know what the point of this post is. But yeah, my life is weird right now and it's so obvious to H that something is very wrong.
Post by captainmel on Jun 17, 2013 13:13:02 GMT -5
More ((((((((giant hugs)))))))) sunshineray. If you keep drinking lots for a few months I would say be cautious but for now, I think if drinking helps you stay relaxed and process stuff, I will buy you a few bottles.
This was my experience, and our situations were different, so take it with a grain of salt - but once I spoke with someone through my work EAP and confirmed that yes, things were bad enough that I should leave my abusive xh, my demeanor changed. Subtly, but it was there, and xh could sense something was up. I also had no support structure where I was - I had just moved to the area, all my friends were his friends, things seemed dismal. But I spoke to someone at my work who I was just getting to know, and she turned out to be the best support and lifesaver I could have asked for. She helped me shop for cars (xh and I shared one), she actually took off from work early to help me pack my shit into her car so I could leave the apartment before xh came home for the day, she let me crash on her couch and was a staunch supporter through the roughest time of my life.
I guess the moral of the story is - you may find support in places you don't expect. I'm really sorry that the people you think should be there for you are the ones making your life miserable or pretending the problem doesn't exist. But don't be afraid to reach out to people when you need to - including here.
You are making some great strides. Don't forget that. You are making progress and doing a great job of it.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 17, 2013 14:05:03 GMT -5
Thank you gault. I think that's what is happening here now. He is seeing the change in my attitude towards him. There is no intimacy, no real affection. I think he can sense the distance growing between us. Fortunately, this time around I have my own car, bank account, career, etc. I make good money on my own, so while it would be tough financially, it would not be impossible for me to leave.
Right now I am just having an incredibly difficult time doing anything else. I can't focus at work and just feel like I'm falling apart. I am dreading going home after work. It's just so awkward. And since neither of us are communicating right now, I just don't know how to act around him. I mean, we're on speaking terms, but it feels so forced and I know it's not just me feeling that. Sigh.
sunshineray, can you take a few days off of work to process what is happening? You are seriously impressive to me.
Trust me, I wish I could. I've seriously considered it. I have the vacation time, but I've got a week off coming up in a few weeks already. Plus, we're about to have potential lay offs announced next week, so it just doesn't feel like good timing.
sunshineray, can you take a few days off of work to process what is happening? You are seriously impressive to me.
Trust me, I wish I could. I've seriously considered it. I have the vacation time, but I've got a week off coming up in a few weeks already. Plus, we're about to have potential lay offs announced next week, so it just doesn't feel like good timing.
That makes sense. Sometimes when crazy things are happening around me, I find work to be a nice distraction.
Of course your sister doesn't think it's a big deal. She is sending inappropriate texts too! I'm sorry, hon, but I think your sis is not the best person to turn to in this situation. She is right smack dab in the middle of it-- and not innocently.
sunshineray, I'm so sorry you're not getting support from the people around you who should most be there for you. You can do this. I know it's awkward, but you can continue ignoring him and focusing on yourself and what you need to do when you're home. I would recommend cutting back on the drinking a little just so that this doesn't all come spilling out before you feel ready to discuss it with him. But honestly, fuck him and his attitude. Also, any fun things you and DD can do together during time you'd be home would probably be good. You two get time together, you get out of the house, and you're both in a more positive environment.