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[starrieskies]

Welcome sunshineray! I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but like captainmel said, there are some amazing and insightful women over here too.

I do applaud you for the way you are handling this situation. You're tackling it head on and that's great! I wish nothing but the best for you and your DD. No doubt this is a difficult time for you, and we're here for you!

[Deleted]

Jun 14, 2013 10:15:47 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Welcome sunshineray! I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but like captainmel said, there are some amazing and insightful women over here too.

I do applaud you for the way you are handling this situation. You're tackling it head on and that's great! I wish nothing but the best for you and your DD. No doubt this is a difficult time for you, and we're here for you!

How are YOU doing?

[starrieskies]

Jun 14, 2013 10:44:35 GMT -5 doglove said:

Jun 14, 2013 10:15:47 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Welcome sunshineray! I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but like captainmel said, there are some amazing and insightful women over here too.

I do applaud you for the way you are handling this situation. You're tackling it head on and that's great! I wish nothing but the best for you and your DD. No doubt this is a difficult time for you, and we're here for you!

How are YOU doing?

Better today, although a little frustrated. I had myself all geared up and prepared to have a serious conversation with H after DS went to bed, but H ended up falling asleep on the couch about a half hour before DS went to bed. I tried waking him up, but he ended up sleeping on the couch. It was the 4th time he's slept on the couch this week.

Yesterday was a flood of emotions, and I spent a lot of time sitting at my desk crying, but the upside to that is that I slept really well last night. I feel more prepared to handle the conversation that will happen now that I am processing things more logically. I'm sure it will be hard, and H dislikes nothing more than being told his behavior is shitty, but oh well.

[captainmel]

starrieskies, I am glad you are feeling better today and I am glad you slept well. You can totally handle this conversation with your H. Don't let his reaction de-rail what is a completely necessary conversation.

[partiallysunny]

sunshineray No one here thinks you are dumb or stupid. Please don't think that. I think it's very easy to fall into thinking everything is "normal" when it isn't. Everyone of us, at one time or another, has done it.

Good luck in counseling.




::hugs:: starrieskies

[sunshineray]

So, I'm trying not to over-analyze, but I did totally go over our cell phone bills for the last several months. He was definitely texting/calling a GF of mine. Not a ton super recently, but I noticed that he texted with her a LOT between 1-2am while I was out of town for a weekend with S and DD. There are also a couple of phone calls between them that same weekend after the texts. He texted her again twice the next morning around 6am. Then they talked on the phone again 5 more times that weekend but for only about 15 minutes altogether.

I wouldn't be reading that much into it, except for I talked to H several times that particular weekend and he never ONCE mentioned her. Oh my god you guys, WTF??

There are a couple other periods of time where they were texting a lot several months ago, but I haven't ruled out yet that I was part of those conversations.

This is the friend who has also sent nude photos back and forth with us in the past. I am starting to feel like she was sending them to H without my knowledge..Which, duh right? UGH.

[captainmel]

Ughh, sunshineray, I am getting the feeling that you are just starting to scratch the surface with this whole situation... I feel like more shady behavior is going to keep coming out.

Also, I think the secret phone calls and texts are inappropriate even if I exclude the nude photos from this equation. When you throw the nudies in the mix I want to find you H and smash his phone and then maybe a few of his toes...

[captainmel]

Why did this post twice?!?! Go away dupe....

[Wrath0fKuus]

I am just blown away that your friend thinks this is all perfectly okay, too. Have you had any female friends who raised an eyebrow to this?

[sunshineray]

Dude, I just don't even know anymore. I mean, it makes sense that by allowing this to continue for so long that it would escalate at some point to things I'm not aware of. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around so many betrayals. I feel like I just got run over. That same friend is coming over this evening. I'm going to be paying attention to every goddamn interaction they have. The more I go over the phone records and understand where I was and what was said to me, the more sick I feel. The late nights texts/picture sending goes back at least 6-7 months. I'm just feeling queasy thinking back over the nights this happened. And wondering what happened all those times when they were at my house together and I went to bed...

[sunshineray]

I've never been that girl, but you better believe I'll be looking for a chance to go through his phone..

It's all starting to make so much more sense now. His feeling of something being "off".. I bet he's worried I know something. The lack of sex, etc. Sigh. This fucking blows.

[captainmel]

Sunshine you have more self control than I do if you are having late night text friend over woth your H and you're not planning to poison their dinners.

I am so impressed with how level headed you're being about all of this. You will figure out all this crazy shit and you will come out on top.

[sunshineray]

I think part of me still just doesn't believe that anything happened and there has to be some logical explanation for all of this. I really feel sick over it, but I'm just not ready to say anything about what I think I know. What if I'm wrong? I'm pretty sure I'm still in some form of denial..

[captainmel]

I think being in a little bit of denial is totally normal. Like Kuus said, this has been normal to you for so long it is hard to process how had a situation has gotten. Like when you go in the reptile house at the zoo and it smells really bad when you first walk in but after a while you don't notice how bad it smells anymore until you leave and smell fresh air.
Do all the research you need to do until you are satisfied. Like I said earlier though, there have been lines crossed even if there hasn't been physical contact. Everyone here has just walked into the reptile house and we can all smell it.

[Muddled]

Welcome, Sunshineray.

I'm so sorry that this is happening. The denial will pass and then you will just feel angry- the way we are currently feeling on your behalf. I have no doubts that you are strong enough to get through it and make the best decision for yourself and your daughter.

I don't think there is anything else I can say that hasn't already been said. Mel's reptile house is a nice analogy. I am blown away, like kuus is, that you have "friends" that think it is okay to have this type of relationship with your H.

Are you a hugger? (((sunshineray)))

[tiramisu]

Sunshineray, I think Mel is right on. You are going to need time to process all of this and make decisions. Remember, your gut instinct is telling you something important. You're not overreacting, you're not paranoid.

I have a friend who recently went through something similar-ish and it took him testing positive for an STD to fully move him out of denial and the search for alternate explanations for his wife's behavior. She was manipulating him for years and he didn't see it until he went to individual therapy and the therapist started helping him see the patterns for what they were.

I hope you are able to find a good, competent, compassionate therapist who can help you through all of this.

[sunshineray]

I am a hugger Muddled. Haha. I did love the reptile house analogy. It makes a lot of sense to me. I am desperately trying to come up with an alternative reason for the texts/calls/picture messages. I haven't been able to come up with anything that isn't shady as fuck.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here across from the both of them and am just watching to see if I can gather any intel. So far, I've got nothing.

I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

ETA: I don't know how to delete a picture that I also apparently don't know how to upload on the app. It was a picture of my beer. Haha.

[captainmel]

Sunshine, I am so glad you at least have a beer. I don't know how you're getting through this. (((((((More hugs))))))))

[sunshineray]

Mostly by walking away every few minutes. I don't even want to know what they're talking about when I leave. Part of me just wants to suddenly scream in his face "DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER??!!"

But so far, I am restraining that urge.

[captainmel]

That might not be the most delicate approach to the situation...

[wrathofkuus]

Do you kinda almost hope he did so that you can feel justified in ending it?

[sunshineray]

@wrathofkuss - Yes, as weak as that sounds I would love to have some sort of validation. If he cheated on me, then I can't be the bad guy. He most definitely lied to me about the weekend I was out of town. I just went through his phone and he was texting her the whole time and went to see her. This never came up and he never told me. She's supposed to be one of my closest friends. If he saw her, why would he not tell me? Anyway. It's stupid because I'm still not 100% convinced. It didn't say anything explicitly in their texts but it was definitely implied.

[wrathofkuus]

You could potentially ask them if the visit was fun while you were oit of town, and watch them fimble for words.

[wrathofkuus]

Out. Fumble. FFS.

[sunshineray]

I would. Except it was almost 3 months ago. It's very telling that neither of them ever mentioned seeing or talking to each other that weekend, seeing as how he is my husband and she professes to be one of my best friends. We spend a lot of time altogether on the weekends and her and I see each other quite a bit during the week. The only plausible explanation for their visit never coming up is not acceptable.

[wrathofkuus]

So you do know, then. But you don't think it's enough proof to make you not the bad guy to... wait a minute, who ARE we thinking will be judging you if you dump him?

[captainmel]

sunshineray - you do know already. Everything about all of this is shady. The only explanations involve a betrayal of your trust.

[tiramisu]

Jun 14, 2013 20:43:47 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

So you do know, then. But you don't think it's enough proof to make you not the bad guy to... wait a minute, who ARE we thinking will be judging you if you dump him?

This is so true, on so many levels.

I'm going to keep saying it: trust your gut. The people who would try to negate that are the ingres with a vested interest in you staying in the dark/keeping up the status quo.

[sunshineray]

I just don't feel like I "know" anything. It doesn't feel like enough information to call anyone out. I can't think of anyone that I trust to look at the texts I found and tell me what they think.

[sunshineray]

As far as judgement goes. His parents (whom I adore), my parents (who judged hardcore during my first divorce), and anyone who thinks they know him. Maybe my daughter. I don't know. Anyone who knows I was previously divorced and will probably talk behind my back about what a horrible person I must be.