Post by honeydew1894 on Jun 14, 2012 11:34:24 GMT -5
DH and I are adopting instead of "having" children. I am IF and we would like to be parents. I see us as one and done, but he would like 2. We are 30 and 31 so there is still time to decide.
DH and I are adopting instead of "having" children. I am IF and we would like to be parents. I see us as one and done, but he would like 2. We are 30 and 31 so there is still time to decide.
Post by misshark122 on Jun 14, 2012 11:40:25 GMT -5
Hey!! thanks for all the responses! I posted then had a meeting and just now got the chance to read them.
<sigh>
I just don't know. I think it would be easy if ONE of us would be like YES let's have a kid, but both of us are like who knows? I'm 28 and DH is 36 right now.
We do love to travel, I love to spend money on what I want to spend it on, we move around a lot, we may live in a place like Vietnam or the Ukraine next (who knows, and yes I know these are vastly different places). We love being together just the two of us.
But then there is another part of me that doesn't want to regret not having kids (a kid). Also something else I think about is when we are old - that's kind of sad - it's going to be just us, then eventually one person will be all alone in some retirement center somewhere with no family? LOL.
And the other thing is, I have a good friend who was married for 16 years, lived all over the world.... then her husband had an affair and asked for a divorce, and now she's 42 with no family of her own.... that sucks.
At 28, I felt the same way as you. There's no need to make up your mind now. I would give yourself 5 years before committing to a long term decision. I say five years, because that will give you two years to have kids before fertility significantly decreases and you become advanced maternal age if you do become pregnant.
Also, having kids doesn't stop you from having fun It doesn't have to be expensive, especially if you live in a good public school district. You can still travel, although that is probably the biggest change for us. We either have to bring the kid, who still naps once a day and otherwise is always on the go (so no relaxing at the beach), or hope a grandparent is willing to keep him. This will get a lot easier when he gets older and is more self sufficient, though.
Hey!! thanks for all the responses! I posted then had a meeting and just now got the chance to read them.
<sigh>
I just don't know. I think it would be easy if ONE of us would be like YES let's have a kid, but both of us are like who knows? I'm 28 and DH is 36 right now.
We do love to travel, I love to spend money on what I want to spend it on, we move around a lot, we may live in a place like Vietnam or the Ukraine next (who knows, and yes I know these are vastly different places). We love being together just the two of us.
But then there is another part of me that doesn't want to regret not having kids (a kid). Also something else I think about is when we are old - that's kind of sad - it's going to be just us, then eventually one person will be all alone in some retirement center somewhere with no family? LOL.
And the other thing is, I have a good friend who was married for 16 years, lived all over the world.... then her husband had an affair and asked for a divorce, and now she's 42 with no family of her own.... that sucks.
You sound similar to us. I wanted so badly for DH to have a strong preference because I didn't! I think if you are torn, why not decide "no." The reality is that you do still have some time to change your mind. Just try out the "no" and see how that feels. Does it make you feel relieved? Or does it make you feel panic? Try to really feel your honest feelings without judging them or overthinking. What does your gut tell you?
Don't get caught up in "what if" scenarios because you can't predict what will happen. To use your example, you can't be certain your kids will take care of you when your old. What if you become estranged? What if they die young? What if, like my great Aunt, the child is special needs and you now have to take care of yourself in old age as well as them? These things may be unlikely, but they are just as possible as you dying old and alone and, in my experience, they just make things confusing.
You sound like me in that you want to make the BEST decision. What does that even mean? In either case you won't know how things could have been, so you'll make either situation "the best." If you decide not have kids, it doesn't mean you won't ever question that decision. Just as parents sometimes wonder "WTF?" when they are having a rough day. You can still mourn the loss of the path not taken. It doesn't mean you took the wrong path.
I hope I'm making some sense. Now that I'm 40 and have contemplated this decision for close to 10 years, I finally feel I have some insight that might be useful!
Post by sallybrown on Jun 14, 2012 12:17:16 GMT -5
Hark, I feel the exact same way! Check out Money Matters - Miso posted an interesting article.
Neither my husband or I feel strongly one way or the other. Occasionally, after spending time with our godchild, we'll both kind of think, hmm, maybe.....but to me, it's not strong enough of an urge to ever act on it.
I work with little kids and the thought of coming home to more little kids overwhelms me.
I like having lots of disposable income, traveling, having nice things, and honestly, housing is very expensive where we are and I honestly don't know how we'd squeeze a kid into our apartment and moving is not really an option due to work.
I'm happy with my life as is right now - honestly, the only part I don't like is the rude comments and questions I get from people who want to know why we haven't had kids. If I had a nickel for every time I was asked, I'd be able to afford a damn kid!
We love to travel and spend $ on ourselves too, and yes, kids aren't cheap. The biggest expense for us has been childcare and we're over halfway to the end of that road, b/c my son won't be in daycare anymore when he starts kindergarten. Our health insurance went up a smidge but honestly, aside from those 2 expenses, kids don't need much. And I get just as much pleasure from spending $ on Ian as I do spending $ on myself.
As for the fear of being alone when you're old, you can't depend on your children to take care of you when you can't anymore, or to come visit you in the home if they don't want to. It's sad, but it could happen. Do not let this be the driving motivation in having a child.
My personal feeling is that someone who goes back and forth and isn't sure should just take the plunge and have a kid. Having a child is amazing and it's not something you are going to regret because a child adds so much to your life.
I think that someone who is on the fence and then never has kids is really missing out and later in life may deeply regret not having a child.
ITA with this....I have never met a person who regrets having kids (I am sure they exist, though). I have met several who regret not having them, though.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I would not have married someone who did not want kids. Being a mom was my ultimate goal. My boys are not financial burdens and we still travel all of the time. We still do what we did before having kids. It just takes a little longer. I can understand why people don't want kids, too.
Post by misshark122 on Jun 14, 2012 12:26:56 GMT -5
BTW I know you can still travel with kids. In fact, we went with a family and their 3 small childen all over China, and her kids even went to Mt. Everest base camp and Tibet. so I totally know it's possible. but all I can think of is "but we still haven't taken our South African safari!' and other things like that.... ha. I guess there are just certain things that seem much easier to do without kids.
I just don't know. I guess right now, not knowing will have to be okay Like my dad says, if you are trying to decide on something but you don't have to decide, then the best thing to do is nothing. Sure, he was talking about that when I was deciding whether or not I wanted a 2 seater car.... lol. Which btw is something else I am not ready to give up
I don't want to regret not having kids and I feel like parents don't ever regret having their kids. But I also have never been someone that has always wanted to have kids. At all. I've never been a big baby person.
I'm still not sold though I think I have time until at least 32! but I think DH feels like he's getting old and IF we are going to have them he shouldn't be THAT old. ha.
Anyway don't worry, we are huge thinkers and take this very seriously so we would not decide to just do this on a whim.
Post by karebear304 on Jun 14, 2012 12:37:52 GMT -5
I didn't want kids. When we got engaged we even discussed the fact that I may never want them and H went into the marriage knowing that (he's always wanted them).
I was just easing into the idea when I went off BCP a few years ago. Thought it would take awhile and I could get used to the idea, but I got pregnant a month later. To be honest I was freaked the F out. Was pregnant for a whopping two weeks and got really used to the idea in that time and then had a m/c and surgery and after that I kind of just wanted them.
So, technically it took me actually being pregnant to actually want them which is probably backwards, but I'm indecisive so it worked for me.
If we could afford it, we'd have like ten kids (okay not ten, that's irresponsible). But, I'd have "a lot". I love kids and can't wait to start making them.
Post by FormerCityGirl on Jun 14, 2012 13:03:56 GMT -5
DH never wanted them and I thought I wanted them when I was married the first time. My ex-MIL put so much pressure on me to have them that I really wasn't sure when I met DH, but having kids was a deal breaker for him. He works in a field where he's done very well for himself since his early 20's and a lot of his coworkers have kids. We are actually the only ones that don't. I'm working on my second Master's right now and loving our freedom. None of my close friends want or have kids and many of them probably won't or will adopt late in life.
DH decided he didn't want them when he had so many young women telling him that if he wanted them he'd have to have kids. He was turned off by the idea of being trapped by someone and took action. When we got married I had to have the hysterectomy and that cemented it with me. It just wasn't for us. I still hate having the choice taken away, but doubt I'll ever regret not having kids. He has actually had several friends at work tell him they wish they took a stand and didn't have kids since so many have wifes who put them into debt wanting better cars, cars for the kids, and much bigger houses. I decided to marry him knowing we'd never have kids, but I'd have someone for the rest of my life that I'm crazy about. I have a huge Irish Catholic family and a niece and a nephew that I adore. I've actually had several friends tell me they wished they didn't cave to having kids pressure from family and society.
DH gets 26 weeks a year off even working full time. We get to travel when and where we please. We hit a concert at least once a month and I'm travelling while he's working to see friends and family. We love our life and our lifestyle. It's not something I'll ever regret. I love being able to just go alone or grab someone to take with me. My Mom has done so much with me that she'll never do with my brother and my dad would never do and Dh couldn't get off work to do. It's actually been really great for everyone close to us.
when i was with XH, i knew i never wanted them. i could never picture myself with them, which confused the heck out of my family since they would always say i was so great with kids.
with FI, i now want them. totally different relationship, totally different person, and i couldn't imagine not having a family with him.
I knew I wanted kids because I imagined my life in the future without them and all I could feel was regret and sadness. That being said I am done at 2. We made the decision to stop having more because I tried to imagine my life down the road with more than 2 and I felt anxious and frustrated that I would have years of child rearing. So my advice - try to picture your life down the road with and without kids? Which one feels more right to you?
Post by karebear304 on Jun 14, 2012 13:29:38 GMT -5
Also, after reading everyone's responses:
I don't like kids in general. I HATED teaching (loved the paperwork, didn't want to deal with the kids). I like my nieces and nephews okay, but I never really want to hang out with them and "play" like my H does.
I am truly, truly banking on that "When it's your kid it's different thing". I hope that's the truth and not something evil parents tell you to lure you over to their side, LOL!
So, it's a surprise to me that I'm currently knocked up by choice. I still wavier even though I kind of can't/wouldn't take it back at this point. Here's hoping all goes well.
Point here is that I totally get you, Hark. I also had a harder time decided that I wanted kids with the whole military thing, which I know you understand. Moving a lot is fine for me and H, but to move children that often is going to suck. I think that will be a big decider on if he goes 6 or 16 more. Plus if we lived near my parents I probably would have started TTC way sooner - out here we have no support, so it would have been a lot less scary if we lived near home.
I don't like kids in general. I HATED teaching (loved the paperwork, didn't want to deal with the kids). I like my nieces and nephews okay, but I never really want to hang out with them and "play" like my H does.
I am truly, truly banking on that "When it's your kid it's different thing". I hope that's the truth and not something evil parents tell you to lure you over to their side, LOL!
So, it's a surprise to me that I'm currently knocked up by choice. I still wavier even though I kind of can't/wouldn't take it back at this point. Here's hoping all goes well.
Point here is that I totally get you, Hark. I also had a harder time decided that I wanted kids with the whole military thing, which I know you understand. Moving a lot is fine for me and H, but to move children that often is going to suck. I think that will be a big decider on if he goes 6 or 16 more. Plus if we lived near my parents I probably would have started TTC way sooner - out here we have no support, so it would have been a lot less scary if we lived near home.
For me it's true. I don't like many other people's children - they fucking drive me crazy. My kids are fine though. LOL.
I don't like kids in general. I HATED teaching (loved the paperwork, didn't want to deal with the kids). I like my nieces and nephews okay, but I never really want to hang out with them and "play" like my H does.
I am truly, truly banking on that "When it's your kid it's different thing". I hope that's the truth and not something evil parents tell you to lure you over to their side, LOL!
So, it's a surprise to me that I'm currently knocked up by choice. I still wavier even though I kind of can't/wouldn't take it back at this point. Here's hoping all goes well.
Point here is that I totally get you, Hark. I also had a harder time decided that I wanted kids with the whole military thing, which I know you understand. Moving a lot is fine for me and H, but to move children that often is going to suck. I think that will be a big decider on if he goes 6 or 16 more. Plus if we lived near my parents I probably would have started TTC way sooner - out here we have no support, so it would have been a lot less scary if we lived near home.
One of my close friends is an AF wife with 2 kids under 5 and her DH deploys often. She gave up her optometry practice to stay home and has moved 3 times in the oldest ones life. She doesn't sweat the small stuff and loves everything. The moves also never bother her since she has it down to a science. They also have no family support, but she does get a lot of help from the other Moms that she helps. It may not end up sucking nearly as much as you are imagining even in the middle of another move.
Hark-My DH said it really hit him when he realized he would probably be 40 when the kid was born. I know people say age shouldn't matter, but I feel some milestone ages do affect how we see our life.
And yeah, I'm not a kid person, but our closests friends will tell us, it is 100x different with your own.
Well, obviously I have a kid, but I don't think you always just know one way or the other. I was never an "OMG I have to have kids!" person. My H and I went through a period of a couple of years where we thought we might not want any.
I was the same. I always knew I'd have kids, but I didn't want to rush into it, and then went through a period of not being sure I wanted any. I also always knew that if were weren't able to get pregnant that I would no problem with adopting or fostering. I am not one of those women who always wanted to experience pregnancy or childbirth.
Then, we had a "surprise" pregnancy about 4 months into our marriage (luckily we got lots of time to just be the two of us since we were together for 5 years and living together for 4.5 of those prior to marriage). I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I love my son (he is 20 months). My husband just said to me the other day that the birth of our son was the single most emotional moment of his life and that he couldn't believe how much the stronger our bond is because of that experience.
There are ugly moments for sure (we're well into the terrible 2s a little early), but overall? I wouldn't give it up. I am, however, 99.9% sure we are one and done. I love our life as a family of 3!
So, what I'm saying is, don't count yourselves out yet. If you are on the fence, stay there. Sometimes life brings you opportunities or moments that will push you in one direction or the other.
If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. - Bruce Lee
I don't like kids in general. I HATED teaching (loved the paperwork, didn't want to deal with the kids). I like my nieces and nephews okay, but I never really want to hang out with them and "play" like my H does.
I am truly, truly banking on that "When it's your kid it's different thing". I hope that's the truth and not something evil parents tell you to lure you over to their side, LOL!
So, it's a surprise to me that I'm currently knocked up by choice. I still wavier even though I kind of can't/wouldn't take it back at this point. Here's hoping all goes well.
Point here is that I totally get you, Hark. I also had a harder time decided that I wanted kids with the whole military thing, which I know you understand. Moving a lot is fine for me and H, but to move children that often is going to suck. I think that will be a big decider on if he goes 6 or 16 more. Plus if we lived near my parents I probably would have started TTC way sooner - out here we have no support, so it would have been a lot less scary if we lived near home.
For me it's true. I don't like many other people's children - they fucking drive me crazy. My kids are fine though. LOL.
It really, truly is different with your own. I'm not a kid person at all. I never understood girls who would get all excited to see a stranger's baby when we were at a restaurant or park or wherever - they swooned over babies the way I swoon over puppies. Other people's kids are just snotty brats. My kid, however, is a perfect, sweet little angel
My personal feeling is that someone who goes back and forth and isn't sure should just take the plunge and have a kid. Having a child is amazing and it's not something you are going to regret because a child adds so much to your life.
I think that someone who is on the fence and then never has kids is really missing out and later in life may deeply regret not having a child.
ITA with this....I have never met a person who regrets having kids (I am sure they exist, though). I have met several who regret not having them, though.
Just because you never met someone who regrets having kids(maybe you did and they just didn't share that intimate detail with you) doesn't mean they don't exist. Take my dad's ex-wife who left him with 4 small kids (seriously went out one day and didn't come back). Or DH's parents who no longer speak to any of their 3 kids and have never met their grandchildren.
I find it amazing and frustrating that others presume that if you have kids you'll automatically think it's the best thing, but if you don't you'll eventually regret it. Everyone I know how chose not to have children (by choice) is perfectly happy (and I'm not talking about people in their 30's, but those in their 50's, 60's and beyond.) There is research that says that whether people have kids or don't have kids, they are equally happy. It's only when people didn't have a choice that they have regrets. (Generally speaking, of course. This doesn't apply to all.)
I don't like kids in general. I HATED teaching (loved the paperwork, didn't want to deal with the kids). I like my nieces and nephews okay, but I never really want to hang out with them and "play" like my H does.
I am truly, truly banking on that "When it's your kid it's different thing". I hope that's the truth and not something evil parents tell you to lure you over to their side, LOL!
So, it's a surprise to me that I'm currently knocked up by choice. I still wavier even though I kind of can't/wouldn't take it back at this point. Here's hoping all goes well.
Point here is that I totally get you, Hark. I also had a harder time decided that I wanted kids with the whole military thing, which I know you understand. Moving a lot is fine for me and H, but to move children that often is going to suck. I think that will be a big decider on if he goes 6 or 16 more. Plus if we lived near my parents I probably would have started TTC way sooner - out here we have no support, so it would have been a lot less scary if we lived near home.
One of my close friends is an AF wife with 2 kids under 5 and her DH deploys often. She gave up her optometry practice to stay home and has moved 3 times in the oldest ones life. She doesn't sweat the small stuff and loves everything. The moves also never bother her since she has it down to a science. They also have no family support, but she does get a lot of help from the other Moms that she helps. It may not end up sucking nearly as much as you are imagining even in the middle of another move.
It's more the when they're older thing for me.
H can retire in 6 years so we'll barley have a kid in school by then - no biggie.
It would be a biggie to me to move a 16 year old away from their friends though. I know people do it all the time and it works for them, but I'm not sure I could do it. Depends on how they feel I guess, although not up to them I understand.
I just LOVED highschool. Could give or take college, but high school was like the highlight of my life. My dad got transferred my senior year and ended up quitting and taking a different job so I wouldn't have to move (along with the fact that my parents haven't moved once since I was 3).
I just loved the close knit-ness of knowing my same friends forever. I still see a lot of them and still talk to a ton. My H was the same way though (never moved growing up) and he doesn't talk to anyone from back home, so I guess you never know.
Wow, that was rambly. Thinking "out loud" on you there!
Post by misshark122 on Jun 14, 2012 13:54:14 GMT -5
Former, can I ask what your DH does for a living? you don't have to answer. But I want that job. lol! I'm sure it's really hard work and you have to be really good at it and really smart, but 25 weeks off a year is pretty amazing!!
Picturing myself with and without kids doesn't really help! life can go so many different ways!
I must say I am very surprised by the sheer number of replies in the no kids department. Probably because I only have one friend who does not want kids. I respect her decision and think it is the right decision for her.
I do not think that everyone is cut out to be a parent or SHOULD have kids. But, I will say, there is no magic time to have kids. Some people will get the yearning and some people may never but I don't think the yearning is what you should base a decision on. Sometimes we want things that are not the best choice for us (and vice a versa).
The truth is, that until you make the leap you won't really know for sure. How you feel about other people's kids is not really a good gage. How you feel about your own kids is completely unique because they are an extension of you. They are your family. Wiping your children's bums probably won't bother you -- unless, of course, wiping your own bum grosses you out.
Thinking past the present to the future and how you see your life do you see a place for kids? grand kids? Are you a family-oriented person?
Your children won't always be kids. That is just one phase in parenthood,
I waited until 34 to have my first child (but I didn't marry until 31 either). I am glad I did since I have done pretty much everything I wanted to so far (travel, stupid shit, etc. More to come of course...) But, yes, sometimes I wish I was a younger mom. Maybe for more energy but really because I want to be around so that I don't miss some of the cool parts of life that my mom and I have shared (she had me at 21).
And, having had 2 kids I will still say that i do not like the baby stage. (0-6 month) very much. I had cranky babies and it was tough. My son is only 2.5 now so I am still in the thick of it all but my husband (who had a very very hard time with the transition to fatherhood and didn't want a 2nd) and I agree that it is the best.thing.ever. Just 2 more people to love in our life. A pretty cool thing.
That doesn't mean it doesn't suck sometimes. It certainly does. For me, it's 2 years of hell for a lifetime of happiness.
I am sorry if this sounds like an advertisement for kids. But having talked to people about this it sometimes seems people may lose sight of the big picture. Like people getting married who only think about the wedding day and not the marriage or people TTC who think about pregnancy and delivery but not parenthood.
Take your time and think it through. But if you still decide its not for you then -- Cheers! I will surely be jealous if I see you at a romantic dinner with your husband while I am trying to get my kid to stop standing in his chair or going under the table.
I have never wanted kids. My husband is the same way. It has been one of those things that we knew early on in our relationship that we were on the the same page. 9 years later we're still happy with our life.
We do get asked periodically when we are having kids by strangers. We get a lot of "you will change" and "what about when your old." It annoys me that people would presume I will change. Second it seems selfish to me to have kids so you'll have someone to take care of you. I would never impose that on anyone.
I think if you want them have them. If you don't that's cool too.
Eek, I posted after reading only page 1 of the responses so I see I repeated some of what was said already and there were more people in the "kids camp" on pages 2-3.
About regretting you had kids. Yes, they surely exist (and the original poster said that they likely did.) And, I think when my daughter was 8 weeks I wanted to give her back. But, I do believe that is is probably a rare occurence because people don't usually "regret" the existence of another person. And, you cannot easily (at all?) separate the experience of parenthood from the person that results. You just can't.
And, once you have a child you can't go back. You don't know what to compare to to regret.
Former, can I ask what your DH does for a living? you don't have to answer. But I want that job. lol! I'm sure it's really hard work and you have to be really good at it and really smart, but 25 weeks off a year is pretty amazing!!
Picturing myself with and without kids doesn't really help! life can go so many different ways!
He's a hospital pharmacist. He has never had to look for a job ever and we get hounded when he puts his resume out. We got 56 phone calls in under 24 hours last time he posted a resume. It's insanity! We tell all of our friends with kids to send them to pharmacy school if they want job security. One of my Uncles worked part time until his early 70's for fun.
Post by misshark122 on Jun 14, 2012 14:37:32 GMT -5
Calips, thanks for your responses, I appreciate them. I am very family oriented, I am extremely close with my mom & dad - especially my mom, we talk multiple times a day. I had the best mom ever so I am pretty sure I would be pretty awesome as well. And I do think how nice it would be for me to have the same type of relationship with my daughter as I do with my mom. But like someone else said you don't necessarily get that dream relationship! lol
He's a hospital pharmacist. He has never had to look for a job ever and we get hounded when he puts his resume out. We got 56 phone calls in under 24 hours last time he posted a resume. It's insanity! We tell all of our friends with kids to send them to pharmacy school if they want job security. One of my Uncles worked part time until his early 70's for fun.
I have long suspected I should have gone to pharmacy school.
It's the perfect working Mom job. DH does nights, but one of his coworkers works 7-2 Monday through Friday and worked until the day she delivered with both kids. She told the managers it was the best place to be when she went into labor (50 feet from an ER and 2 floors from L&D). She never even has to take off for doctor visits.