NFR: Who here doesn't plan on having kids?

[dcannie]

Jun 14, 2012 13:43:25 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

Jun 14, 2012 12:21:34 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

ITA with this....I have never met a person who regrets having kids (I am sure they exist, though). I have met several who regret not having them, though.

Just because you never met someone who regrets having kids(maybe you did and they just didn't share that intimate detail with you) doesn't mean they don't exist. Take my dad's ex-wife who left him with 4 small kids (seriously went out one day and didn't come back). Or DH's parents who no longer speak to any of their 3 kids and have never met their grandchildren.

I find it amazing and frustrating that others presume that if you have kids you'll automatically think it's the best thing, but if you don't you'll eventually regret it.

i have to agree w/ helio. of course you've never met someone who regrets having kids. anyone who admitted that would be vilified.
telling someone who is on the fence to do it b/c they won't regret it is poor advice and sets up false expectations.

[FormerCityGirl]

Jun 14, 2012 14:47:05 GMT -5 dcannie said:

Jun 14, 2012 13:43:25 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

Just because you never met someone who regrets having kids(maybe you did and they just didn't share that intimate detail with you) doesn't mean they don't exist. Take my dad's ex-wife who left him with 4 small kids (seriously went out one day and didn't come back). Or DH's parents who no longer speak to any of their 3 kids and have never met their grandchildren.

I find it amazing and frustrating that others presume that if you have kids you'll automatically think it's the best thing, but if you don't you'll eventually regret it.

i have to agree w/ helio. of course you've never met someone who regrets having kids. anyone who admitted that would be vilified.
telling someone who is on the fence to do it b/c they won't regret it is poor advice and sets up false expectations.

Agreed! We have met a lot who will admit it to us since we are firmly in the childfree camp. DH has many people who have confided in him over the years and they have all been very serious about their regrets.

[lostarz]

I'm divorced and with EX-H we'd talk about kids, but never really decided if we wanted them or not. I'm not really a kid person (well, other people's kids), but I think I wanted them more than he did. That wasn't the downfall of our marriage, but that's a different story. Anywho, I started dating someone who has two kids and seeing him with his kids makes me want one of my own someday. I'm still not completely 100% sure and sometimes wonder if I want kids for the wrong reason, but there's also a part of me that wants to know what it's like to be a mom. I'm not one of those people that has always wanted to be a mom. I am 100% sure that I'll be with my BF (someday DH) for the long haul so we'll always have his kids, but I think I want my own.

[kris356]

Jun 14, 2012 14:52:27 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Jun 14, 2012 14:47:05 GMT -5 dcannie said:

i have to agree w/ helio. of course you've never met someone who regrets having kids. anyone who admitted that would be vilified.
telling someone who is on the fence to do it b/c they won't regret it is poor advice and sets up false expectations.

Agreed! We have met a lot who will admit it to us since we are firmly in the childfree camp. DH has many people who have confided in him over the years and they have all been very serious about their regrets.

Totally agree that men are way more to admit that they regret having kids. My husband has quite a few friends who often tell him how they envy the fact that we don't have kids.

Most of the time I just resent the "Just do it" or "once you have them, you'll love it" I just don't think it is fair advise. Maybe we will regret it, but having kids so you aren't lonely or have someone to take care of you when you get old is just a bad reason.

[misshark122]

Is wanting to have family around when you are older and other relatives are gone the same thing as wanting them to take care of you when you're old? it's different right? To me it's different. I say more for the companionship and people to have thanksigivng and christmas with!

[dsacre]

Today at 1:54pm, misshark122 wrote:
Former, can I ask what your DH does for a living? you don't have to answer. But I want that job. lol! I'm sure it's really hard work and you have to be really good at it and really smart, but 25 weeks off a year is pretty amazing!!

Picturing myself with and without kids doesn't really help! life can go so many different ways!
He's a hospital pharmacist. He has never had to look for a job ever and we get hounded when he puts his resume out. We got 56 phone calls in under 24 hours last time he posted a resume. It's insanity! We tell all of our friends with kids to send them to pharmacy school if they want job security. One of my Uncles worked part time until his early 70's for fun.

My dad was a hospital pharmacist and never had a schedule like that!! Granted, he moved to management throughout his career, but I think everyone should know that is not always the case with pharmacists. Count your blessings every day - I'm totally jealous!!

[birkbop]

Looks like I'm going back to school for my PharmD

[treedimensional]

Jun 14, 2012 13:43:25 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

Jun 14, 2012 12:21:34 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

ITA with this....I have never met a person who regrets having kids (I am sure they exist, though). I have met several who regret not having them, though.

Just because you never met someone who regrets having kids(maybe you did and they just didn't share that intimate detail with you) doesn't mean they don't exist. Take my dad's ex-wife who left him with 4 small kids (seriously went out one day and didn't come back). Or DH's parents who no longer speak to any of their 3 kids and have never met their grandchildren.

I find it amazing and frustrating that others presume that ... if you don't you'll eventually regret it. Everyone I know how chose not to have children (by choice) is perfectly happy (and I'm not talking about people in their 30's, but those in their 50's, 60's and beyond.) There is research that says that whether people have kids or don't have kids, they are equally happy. It's only when people didn't have a choice that they have regrets. (Generally speaking, of course. This doesn't apply to all.)

My mother regretted having children, and had 4. She never missed an opportunity to tell us how much she regretted it, and that if we were smart, we wouldn't do it.

[ILikeSloths]

Jun 14, 2012 8:45:34 GMT -5 misshark122 said:

My husband and I are just kind of in the middle. Neither of us really has any idea if we want them or not. Like, we don't, but we do, but we don't.... how do you ever decide if you just keep going back and forth?! I think I'm feeling a little lost lately when it comes to this!

My H and I are feeling the same way you and your H are right now. We're in the middle and undecided. Some days we think we'd like kids in the future; other days we talk about how happy we are without kids and consider not having them.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I can relate. I find myself asking the same questions you do and wish I knew for sure what we wanted. Luckily, we're still young and have time to think about it and not make a decision for a while.

[scout8]

So, my story is a little different. I was a fence sitter too and didn't get married until I was 37. So, we had to decide pretty quickly. We decided to go for it, but we turned out to be severe infertiles (as I like to call us). Despite major medical intervention, we never did have a successful pregnancy. After a couple of years of IF treatments, we decided that was enough for us.

Back on the fence for us to decide whether to adopt or live child free. We decided to live child free. In making this decision, I did some reading and I read a book that I thought you might find helpful called Two is Enough. I don't remember the author, but I found it on Amazon. The author interviewed and surveyed a bunch of child free couples and published her findings. I really enjoyed it and I think the book touches on a lot of the issues that have been mentioned in this thread.

[sailorgray]

Wow, you guys are literal. I am sure over the course of my life I have met people that regret it, but don't admit it. I should have stated that I have had this conversation before and we all have agreed that once you have them, you don't regret it.

My aunt always wanted kids and she married a man who didn't want kids. She often says how much she regrets not having her own. Her lack of kids actually plays a big part in how she views her life now. Yes, I know this only one example, but it's instantly what came to mind when OP asked her question.

Also, while I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I am terrible with other kids. I never babysat and had no interest in friends' kids/siblings, etc. My H and I realized when preg with DS1 that neither of us had ever changed a diaper. Your own kids are totally different than others.

[gbck]

I'll 2nd the 'yeah, it is different when they're yours" but I'll also say...good for people for THINKING about this. The world would be a better place if people had kids because they wanted them instead of because they felt they were 'supposed to'.

ARGH, i was going to link to an excellent site for fence-sitters. Note, i don't agree w/ all of it, it's not 'unbiased', the writer is vehemently in the no-kid's camp. But it's no longer in existance. here's the wayback machine copy:

web.archive.org/web/20070912220947/http://happilychildfree.com/fencesitters.htm

[mrsacornblue]

DH and I are in the "on the fence" camp, probably leaning a little more toward being childfree. I love kids but I am not sure I want my own. I enjoy it being just the two of us with our dogs and being able to focus on myself and my career. However, I'm only 31 so I have some time to decide as we have already decided we are one and done.

[Deleted]

Jun 14, 2012 15:16:39 GMT -5 kris356 said:

Jun 14, 2012 14:52:27 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Agreed! We have met a lot who will admit it to us since we are firmly in the childfree camp. DH has many people who have confided in him over the years and they have all been very serious about their regrets.

Totally agree that men are way more to admit that they regret having kids. My husband has quite a few friends who often tell him how they envy the fact that we don't have kids.

Most of the time I just resent the "Just do it" or "once you have them, you'll love it" I just don't think it is fair advise. Maybe we will regret it, but having kids so you aren't lonely or have someone to take care of you when you get old is just a bad reason.

I totally agree with this. When I say, "just do it", I mainly mean for people who can picture themselves being happy with kids and seeing themselves enjoying it, but can also picture a happy life without kids. I think that if a person has some desire at all (a desire to actually parent, not to have someone obligated to care for them when they are old), they will love being a parent and are missing out if they don't go for it. I definitely agree that there are some people who just shouldn't be parents, and plenty of people who are happy without kids.

[ralphlauren]

I do not think that I want kids...the older I get I feel this way.

People always tell me that I am young and that I have time but I will be 34 next month..EEK I am getting old

[Deleted]

I don't think anyone can tell you or convince you that you should have children. You will know in your heart if it's something you want in your life. It just depends on when you realize it is or isn't right for you.

I was certain I didn't want kids in my life. I got married, started wavering on the idea, then became pregnant but we were not actively TTC. But not avoiding either. It was still a shock regardless. Now I have a 2 1/2 year old and a just turned 1 year old. My boys are my heart. Watching them grow and learn everyday is the most awesome thing I've experienced in my life

[Deleted]

Jun 14, 2012 12:17:21 GMT -5 @amydrinkie said:

We love to travel and spend $ on ourselves too, and yes, kids aren't cheap. The biggest expense for us has been childcare and we're over halfway to the end of that road, b/c my son won't be in daycare anymore when he starts kindergarten. Our health insurance went up a smidge but honestly, aside from those 2 expenses, kids don't need much. And I get just as much pleasure from spending $ on Ian as I do spending $ on myself.

As for the fear of being alone when you're old, you can't depend on your children to take care of you when you can't anymore, or to come visit you in the home if they don't want to. It's sad, but it could happen. Do not let this be the driving motivation in having a child.[/quote]
This is so true. I've never wanted kids, always dated men that didn't want kids. My parents waited 10 years to have kids because they they weren't sure, my mother said it was the wrong thing for them to do, she regreted it (to be clear she never said this till we were older and talked about why we didn't want kids).

[interro]

I'm still on the fence. SO has a 3 year old son and has said he would have been one and done if not for ending up with me. That's pretty much where I am, too - I would have been okay not having any children, but then since we've been together both of us have felt like we would like to have one child together. If we try and can't, I'm not sure whether I would pursue IF treatments or adoption, or just decide to be child free. At this point it just isn't that important to me. Before SO I was against having children and particularly with my ex-h.

[315bride]

I have had several conversations with people who have said that if they could it all over again, they wouldn't have had kids. Not because they don't love their kids, but because they felt it prevented them from {insert blank}. Mostly from women who were held back professionally because of raising their kids.

[ciscokid]

Jun 14, 2012 14:30:17 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Jun 14, 2012 13:54:14 GMT -5 misshark122 said:

Former, can I ask what your DH does for a living? you don't have to answer. But I want that job. lol! I'm sure it's really hard work and you have to be really good at it and really smart, but 25 weeks off a year is pretty amazing!!

Picturing myself with and without kids doesn't really help! life can go so many different ways!

He's a hospital pharmacist. He has never had to look for a job ever and we get hounded when he puts his resume out. We got 56 phone calls in under 24 hours last time he posted a resume. It's insanity! We tell all of our friends with kids to send them to pharmacy school if they want job security. One of my Uncles worked part time until his early 70's for fun.

Also a hospital pharmacist with 26 weeks off a year. I love my job

On topic: I have always been vehemently against having kids. I don't like babies, and kids just make me uncomfortable. I don't ever know what to DO with them. However, I found out when I was 21 that I won't ever be able to have kids due to a wacky heart/vascular condition I have. It was almost a relief for me because it's so much easier to tell people that you can't have kids than that you don't want them. I've had some people get really offended that I didn't want to have kids, like it is my responsibility to procreate whether I want to or not since they had to.

Of course, we can (and will) adopt if my mind ever changes (DH would like to have kids, but knew the situation when we got married). But I really don't see that ever happening. I'm perfectly happy being "selfish and irresponsible."

[Deleted]

I am 30 and have my tubes tied. H is 30 and getting a vasectomy this summer. I have never liked kids nor have I ever felt a warm and fuzzy feeling towards kids. As a teen I hated baby sitting and for as long as I can remember I knew that I would never have children. H, on the other hand, didn't think that he would meet someone who didn't want kids. Growing up, he always assumed, he'd get married, have 2 kids and that would be the way things were.

I told him very early on in our relationship that I didn't want kids and I would never want kids. Quickly, he realized what our life would be like and he was sold. He was the one that really helped to support me to make a permanent descision about getting my tubes tied.

It's been a huge struggle with my family because I am an only child and all my mom wants is to be a grandmother. She's gotten so desperate that she's offered to pay us to have a kid, a monthly stipend for child care expenses, be the babysitter and pay for the kids college. This was the hardest part of my decision to tying my tubes. I felt bad because I can give my mom what she wants, but I knew that was a bad reason to have a kid. She still doesn't understand out decision, but she's dealing with it better.

Also, if anyone is interested, this is a really good book about the path that many couples face for deciding to be child free. www.amazon.com/Two-Is-Enough-Couples-Childless/dp/1580052630/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339866332&sr=8-1&keywords=Couples+choice+for+living+childless

[tarheels]

I read this entire post and it really freaked me out. I've never liked children, have zero maternal instinct, and am VERY career driven (probably to an unhealthy point, if DH didn't keep me in check). When we got married 6 years ago, I said we'd have kids in 7-10 years. Well, that's coming up now, and I still dislike kids, have no maternal instinct, and am even more career driven now than I was then. But DH has always wanted kids. He was ready for them at 25 and has kindly not pressured me. It's been looming in my mind with each passing year that I still feel no maternal feelings, "OMG, what's going to happen to us? DH will NOT be ok with not having kids and I don't think I want any... Would we get divorced? My mom and my aunt said it 'just clicked' for them when they were in their mid-30s, will that happen for me?"

So this post spawned a big 3 hour discussion for us Friday night. I learned a lot about myself in talking it out. I "don't want kids" because I love my career, love my everything-in-its-place house, love my suits that would look decidedly awful with spit up on them. I've only ever seen harried, stressed the eff out, can barely hold it together moms. I've never seen a truly driven career mom who really honestly could make it work. I'm terrified of becoming a mom because I don't want to be frumpy, dumpy, pissy, cranky Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond with a house where a Fisher Price factory exploded.

I realized that because I was raised by a single mom whose nearest support was 8 hours away, when I pictured motherhood, I envisioned only ME fighting the parenting battle all by myself while trying to hold onto my career and beautiful house and I knew it wouldn't work. I have no idea what a parenting team looks like. I have no idea what it's like to have a dad who'll chip in and take away some of the burden.

During our conversation, DH said that because he's always been less driven than I am anyways, that he'd gladly allow his career to take the backseat to mine. He had mentioned this a couple years ago, but it wasn't until the other night when I realized my view of parenthood didn't include a helpmate, that i realized what a difference this would make. Now, this part'll sound stupid to you maybe, but things have been kind of crazy for me this summer, so DH has been packing me a lunch for work every morning, putting my laptop in my bag for me, and even ironing blouses for me when I'm running late. It sort of hit me the other night that, "Oh, wow, DUH, if DH can manage to help ME get out the door in the morning, there's no reason HE can't take care of the kids in the morning. I won't have to be the stressed out, freaked out, chicken with its head cut off parent trying to do everything in the morning."

That whole line of realizations described above completely addressed my concerns about parenting.

DH's big family is Norman Rockwell perfect - they love each other dearly, come together every Christmas for the huge dinner, it's magical really. Seeing them (especially compared to my very lonely upbringing as the only child of a single mom with no cousins anywhere around) has always made me want a family in that nebulous, someday kind of way. Not for the old age care described above, but for the joy and love and fabulousness that is the H_______ Family Christmas. I just couldn't see that US having that with our own family because all I ever pictured was stressed out, freaked out me. I don't mean to trivialize it, but it really was a BAM! realization for me that we could have it because I wouldn't have to shoulder the entire burden of it. I can still be dedicated to my work that gives me incredible satisfaction, I can still have a reasonably neat house, I can make kids work in my life because DH is there to make things work. The gratitude I feel toward DH and relief I feel at knowing I won't end up divorced because of this is humbling and inspiring.

So if anyone else has read this thread and doesn't know where they stand, I'd encourage you to try to identify your underlying feelings if you can...you might learn something incredible.

---------------
This was a very personal and honest post, so I hope no one jumps on me for describing mothers the way I see them. My intent is just to help those on the fence, not to insult anyone who might feel I'm calling them or others names.

[hbomdiggity]

Jun 14, 2012 11:40:25 GMT -5 misshark122 said:

I just don't know. I think it would be easy if ONE of us would be like YES let's have a kid, but both of us are like who knows? I'm 28 and DH is 36 right now.

We do love to travel, I love to spend money on what I want to spend it on, we move around a lot, we may live in a place like Vietnam or the Ukraine next (who knows, and yes I know these are vastly different places). We love being together just the two of us.

But then there is another part of me that doesn't want to regret not having kids (a kid). Also something else I think about is when we are old - that's kind of sad - it's going to be just us, then eventually one person will be all alone in some retirement center somewhere with no family? LOL.

We are in a similar boat. We both like to have our things and know that the cost if a kid will significantly cut into this. And also time and not living near a support network (family).

When we were dating we were both in the "eventually I think, but no big rush". Like you, its something that when we are older we will want to see our kids have kids and stuff. I think we would regret not having kids, but we cant yet pull the trigger!

We are 32 and about to celebrate 5 yr anni. We are buying a house and I am finally settling into my career. I am beginning to freak out about my age though so we are actually thinking about a timeframe and will likely finally take the plunge next spring.

Eta: I will also add that I have never been the "can't wait to be a mom type" and generally don't like other peoples babies.

[phoenixrising]

I was kind of on the fence on having kids, and now my H and I are divorcing, so I won't be having kids with him. I don't really have any interest in marrying again anytime soon, so I pretty much think kids are off the table for me. I am okay with this, as the older I get (I am 36.), the more I realize kids are not a necessity for me. And while I LOVE babies (which is good because I am a NICU nurse), I am not a big fan of kids.

All that said, I do worry that it wasn't that I didn't want kids but that I didn't want them with my H, and maybe that ship has sailed for me and I will regret not having kids someday. However, as my marriage has been falling apart, I have been so happy that there were no kids involved in what was a messy circumstance.