Post by misshark122 on Jun 14, 2012 8:45:34 GMT -5
How do you know for sure 100% that you don't want to have kids? I guess you just KNOW huh? Just like you just know if you do want to have kids?
My husband and I are just kind of in the middle. Neither of us really has any idea if we want them or not. Like, we don't, but we do, but we don't.... how do you ever decide if you just keep going back and forth?! I think I'm feeling a little lost lately when it comes to this!
I wanted kids for the first 6 years of our marriage, but the timing was never right. I was frustrated, and felt like my life was on hold, waiting to TTC. A couple years ago, I had an epiphany of sorts, where I really thought about what my life would be like if we didn't have kids. To my amazement, it looked really, really nice. I talked it over with my H, and he agreed. We gave ourselves time to let the idea sink in. The more time that passed, the stronger our conviction became. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. It made me feel so much younger and full of hope & excitement about our future.
It's hard for me to imagine changing my mind, since it was a conscious decision, not an emotional reaction. We aren't one of the typical "I've always known" couples, but we are very happy with our decision not to have children.
I am not much help because I am in the middle with you, Hark. I have always wanted kids. I am a teacher and I babysit on the side and volunteer in my nursery at church. I am always with the kids at family parties. But I think all of that kid time has worked to make me not want them.
Ultimately, I think we will have kids (well, a kid). My husband wants them. And I think that, if I really consider it, I would regret not having children more than I would regret having them.
We're similar to us Miss. I mean, growing up I always thought I wanted kids but since we've moved into together (3 yrs ago), we've really enjoyed being just us and have had several conversations how different it would be to come home to additional responsibility of children.
We went out our first European trip together in the spring and had several conversations how it'd be nice to be able to safe our money for traveling throughout our lives without kids. Post trip, I messed up my BCP and the condom broke and we were both on edge about the possibility of being PG; that's when it really set in that we do not want kids right now.
Of course, we're young (26) and things could change again, but currently we've agreed that we don't want kids and we'll start to discuss it again in the future; around 30 or so.
H and I are still holding out. We keep talking about it like we might have kids some day, but every time we discuss it we decide we don't want them right now. That discussion and decision might continue forever. Who knows? I also have had some health issues in the past and not sure if I can even have kids.
I like our life the way it is. I love kids, but I like not having my own too.
Post by NachoProblem on Jun 14, 2012 9:00:00 GMT -5
DH and I are on the fence. We go back and forth about it. We're definitely not ready, so when we talk about it now it's hard to really understand the gravity of the conversations. Maybe when I finish school and get a real job and MH can relax a bit more at work we'll feel differently. Or at least then we'll be able to talk about it in the context of reality and not this hand-waving "sometime in the near or not-so-near future."
I've always wanted kids until a few years ago when I realized that I wanted kids because I was "supposed to". FI and I have talked about it extensively and neither of us want kids. We just don't want the responsibility nor the financial burden. We are in a very good place in our lives and enjoy each other's company. We want to be able to do whatever and whenever we want and not have to worry about another person. We just don't have the time nor energy to raise a child.
Post by narockshard on Jun 14, 2012 9:20:15 GMT -5
This is kind of a struggle for me too. I mean, I know I want them, and I want to be a younger mom (I'm 25 now), but I still don't have the "feeling" yet. I want to want kids if that makes sense. But don't yet. And wondering if I will...It's kind of hard for me too because most of my friends all have them and we're from big, Catholic families. So an outer body me pictures us with a big, cool, fun family, but when it comes down to actually being like, "ok, now we're going to actually start one", I feel in no way ready. One reason I know I'll eventually have kids though is that I hope I'll have them around to take care of me when I'm old. I don't want to die alone lol. My mom takes care of elderly people in their homes and it's always the kids that set everything up because they care about their parents so much and don't want to send them to a nursing home. Obviously this isn't the case with everyone, but I hope it'll be that way!
Sorry, not sure if that helps or hurts your uncertainty!
If it helps, I'm on the other side. I want kids. Badly. I've always known I wanted to be a mom more than anything. DH and I plan on buying a house this fall, and hopefully will start TTC 6-12 months later. But I've always known I want children. When DH and I were dating, he mentioned once he wasn't sure. He wasn't against having kids but hadn't given the whole thing much thought. I told him not wanting kids was a deal breaker. After a few conversations and some time, he realized he does want kids and hadn't ever thought about it.
Another fence rider here. Although, with each passing year it gets more likely that we won't have kids. We kept putting it off (new jobs, timing wasn't right, life) and now we are happy with where we are at.
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown
Not us. I never had those daydreams of "someday when I have children..." I'm a hs teacher and my students always ask me why I don't have children...they think I'm so strange, lol. At the end of a long day teaching freshmen, I can't imagine coming home and managing children again!
I was on that team. My husband and I discussed and decided before we got married that we didn't want to have children. He's eleven years older than me and I had never had a single desire for children. We were 100% comfortable with that decision.
One month after we got married I ended up pregnant (on the pill). I cried, I was so angry. I figured my life and everything I planned for our future was ruined. I hated kids, I had never even held a baby before. I thought I was missing the maternal chip. But my son ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me and I never realized how my life could change for the better.
My advice is to just take it one day at a time and see how you and your husband feel. Don't do it just because you feel you're at the age that your "suppose to"
I was on that team. My husband and I discussed and decided before we got married that we didn't want to have children. He's eleven years older than me and I had never had a single desire for children. We were 100% comfortable with that decision.
One month after we got married I ended up pregnant (on the pill). I cried, I was so angry. I figured my life and everything I planned for our future was ruined. I hated kids, I had never even held a baby before. I thought I was missing the maternal chip. But my son ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me and I never realized how my life could change for the better.
My advice is to just take it one day at a time and see how you and your husband feel. Don't do it just because you feel you're at the age that your "suppose to"
Just take one day at a time. I was on the fence and didn't have my first till I was 38. I'm glad I waited and had all that time to travel and do things but I definitely slowed down and lost that adventure drive. ( at least a little bit) I love my kids and don't feel disadvantaged that I had them when I was older. I don't really feel older. Yes, my body is more tired but my mind is in control of that so...... I love being a mom and having these cool little people open my world and teach me stuff everyday. No, it's not for everybody but now that I've had them, my life would feel really empty without them. I kinda wish I'd started earlier so I could have another
Im like Bethaboo. I work with kids All. The. Time. and I have no interest in bringing one home with me right now. It's nice to get paid to deal with them and then turn them back in.
My bf wants kids one day and Im on the fence. I know that if I do have them it wont be until my mid 30s or so and I want to be one and done.
Ummm I think *I* need to be filled in on this BF!! Yes, I'm a nosey biatch.
Post by harleysnhorses on Jun 14, 2012 10:05:36 GMT -5
*****Raises Hand**** At first I thought I did and my exH and I tried but I never got pregnant. Fast Forward to turning 30 and before now current H were married knew for sure and had my tubes tied. I got mixed emotions from friends, some were like good for you and others were like why in the hell would you do that. I grew up an only child, spoiled and have a mind of my own. Not to mention I have a Harley and Horses and knew I would much rather spend money on those things along with shoes, clothes and other stuff. Plus I have 3 dogs and they are my kids!
ETA-I am 40 now and still do not regret the decision.
I think it's kinda like waiting until the right time to have them, maybe it's not a certain time, it just is. Does that make sense? Kids change the entire dynamic of your life, your relationship with your spouse and with others. Your life revolves around another being and raising that person, it's a huge responsibility. I could never have imagined my life without children but I certainly respect those who wish to remain childfree ;D
I have never been the oohing and aahing type about babies, in fact I don't really like other peoples kids. I too thought I was missing that maternal chip. I never babysat or even changed a diaper before 14 months ago. Maybe we have a different lifestyle but we still travel (child free) and go out with our friends. Maybe I'm considered a bad mom by the baby wearing attachment parenting types but we still have our lives even though we are parents.
I don't think your ever ready, imo nothing really prepares you, but if you're enjoying life as it is right now than stick with whats making you happy. Who knows what the future will bring.
I would say it's taken me quite some time to be ok with having a child. I never had that feeling "OMG I need to be a mom" that some women talk about having. Plus, my DH is 9 years older, so for him, he really thought after his ex, the kids ship had sailed.
We have only in the last 6 months decided we want to have kids. I would use the age excuse a lot if people asked and say when I was 30 we would evaluate. Well 30 came in January and we'll TTC next month.
We are a one and done couple though. Even when we weren't sure, more than 1 was never a consideration.
I don't plan on having kids. I've never really had an interesting in having kids, and my husband feels the same way. I think my dog is enough responsibility for me!
Post by cransplash on Jun 14, 2012 10:31:09 GMT -5
I’m in the same boat as jchokie. I always said “yes, I wanted kids” b/c I thought I wanted them, my H at the time (now exH) wanted them, I live in OH (where I feel like everyone has them), and both of our families wouldn’t think otherwise for us to have them. Deep down, I was always on the fence about having them, and I think a lot of it was swayed by societal and family pressures. When I got remarried to now DH, I had a lot of time to think about what *I* wanted, and I knew that having children wasn’t what I wanted. Does it mean I hate children? Absolutely not. It’s crazy that when I tell random people that we’re not going to have kids, they think it’s b/c I’m a kid-hater. For a lot of reasons, we aren’t going to have them, and I’ll be honest that it’s something I think about once in awhile, but 99.9% of the time, I am very content with no kids and don’t think about having them.
FWIW, I am 33yo and my attitude/perception hasn’t changed at all for 5 years and don’t think they’re going to change.
I didn't want kids, and then I got KU 3mos after our wedding. I know if I hadn't had a "whoopsie" I wouldn't have had any at all.
For a long time I thought "ugh, this having a baby business sucks - they cry constantly, don't sleep, and diapers are disgusting. I can't believe people look forward to this." But now at 3yrs old he's a LOT more fun than he was when he was a baby. It's way better when they can walk, communicate, and poop in the potty.
I'm sure we're one and done. My sanity can't take another baby.
i never went back and forth. kids, babies in particular, have always been pretty unappealing to me. the idea of something growing inside of me freaks me out, i don't want to wipe someone's ass for 2-3 years, i don't want to be responsible for taking care of someone other than myself 24 hours a day for the foreseeable future. for myself, i see no value in having kids.
I always pictured myself with kids when I was younger, but before DH and I got married, he mentioned that he didn't know if he wanted kids. After some long discussions, we both knew we wanted to be with each other and we decided that I was willing to not have kids for him and he was willing to have kids for me....but the plan was to just see how things went. Well, here we are three years into our marriage and I am pregnant (on purpose). We are a little older (I'm 31, he's 37), so I think it just came with time. He actually came to me and said he was ready, and to be honest I was a little freaked out. I don't know if I ever would have been ready on my own...like, Let's do this! It's scary that it is real now, but we are both excited. We have full intentions of still leading a life aside from kids though. I think being a strong couple is the foundation of the family, so we will still travel kid-free sometimes, etc.
Post by californialove on Jun 14, 2012 10:54:17 GMT -5
I was one of those people that always knew I wanted to be a mom, when DH and I got married (very young btw) we decided to hold off on kids, its been 4 1/2 years and we are very happy right now without children. We like doing whatever we want to do, we like going on vacations and enjoying our time together without any worry.
I do want to be a mom and I know he wants to be a dad but right now we are happy without kids, our 2 yorkies are enough!
It does get really annoying when people are constantly asking when we will have kids though
I was indifferent until I hit 30. Then it's like some kind of light switch went off and I wanted a baby NOW.
My personal feeling is that someone who goes back and forth and isn't sure should just take the plunge and have a kid. Having a child is amazing and it's not something you are going to regret because a child adds so much to your life. I really appreciated hearing xokell2's perspective on this.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being child free, but think that one needs to feel strongly about that decision. I think that someone who is on the fence and then never has kids is really missing out and later in life may deeply regret not having a child.
Post by heliocentric on Jun 14, 2012 11:25:52 GMT -5
DH & I were both on the fence when we got married. When we started discussing it more seriously (because we were getting older) we were still on the fence. Neither one of us really had the urge to have kids, but we also didn't have the urge NOT to. So if one us decided we wanted kids, the other would happily go with it. We figured we'd have a good life either way.
That worked for years. Then we got even older and really had to decide. When we thought about it, since neither of us really wanted them, we decided that meant we wouldn't have any. I just turned 40 (DH is 42 next week) and we are still happy with out decision. Actually, once we made the definitive decision it was quite freeing.
When people ask I just say that we don't have the desire. Many can't comprehend that and try to look for reasons. (We must really like our money, time, freedom, lack of responsibility, etc. ) Sure, those things are nice, but they are not the reason we don't want kids. We just don't. For me, it's like being left-handed. I don't know why I have the urge to use my left hand and most people have the urge to use their right. I don't much care. That's just the way it is and I'm happy with that. No further explanation needed.