Kuus, are you on hormonal contraceptives? BCP/OCP not only killed my libido, but also made it nearly impossible to orgasm.
No, I've been off of them for about a year and a half. And I've never had trouble orgasming at all; it's more that it goes straight from meh to orgasm, and while that's serviceable, it's not really all that satisfying after the o-glow wears off.
Cuddlyevil - what are you guys doing about that? Sounds like we're in a similar boat. I thought I remember you remarking awhile ago about a smartphone addiction... was that part of it?
Yeah, that's part of it. We've discussed it, he's working on being more present but so far he's really only made strides with the kids. He hasn't been doing a lot to make me feel like he actually likes being around me. Example: I was telling him something about my day on Friday and he cupped his hand around his ear so he could hear the tv better and when I called him on it said "I wanted to hear that".
He thinks I need to initiate sex more (which I have been trying to do) and that we plain need to have it more because that will bridge the divide. But while I enjoy it when we do it, some days it's hard to get it up for him because we barely see each other. And I know he's worried about someone at work hitting on me (DH hasn't been a fan of his since he shook my hand then pulled me into a hug at Christmas).
I need to repeat the counseling request. I was going to go for me, but I didn't because I just reached a point where I was calm, sad, and scared all at once. I'm still at that place, I don't know where we're headed. I'm wondering if maybe we're both unhappy and too scared to admit what we want to do about it.
*sigh*
That was a longer answer than you wanted, I know. But this has been going on for years, it got worse with the smartphones and I think I've just reached the point where I need him to consistently show me how he feels because a simple "I will try harder" isn't going to cut it.
Cuddlyevil - what are you guys doing about that? Sounds like we're in a similar boat. I thought I remember you remarking awhile ago about a smartphone addiction... was that part of it?
Yeah, that's part of it. We've discussed it, he's working on being more present but so far he's really only made strides with the kids. He hasn't been doing a lot to make me feel like he actually likes being around me. Example: I was telling him something about my day on Friday and he cupped his hand around his ear so he could hear the tv better and when I called him on it said "I wanted to hear that".
He thinks I need to initiate sex more (which I have been trying to do) and that we plain need to have it more because that will bridge the divide. But while I enjoy it when we do it, some days it's hard to get it up for him because we barely see each other. And I know he's worried about someone at work hitting on me (DH hasn't been a fan of his since he shook my hand then pulled me into a hug at Christmas).
I need to repeat the counseling request. I was going to go for me, but I didn't because I just reached a point where I was calm, sad, and scared all at once. I'm still at that place, I don't know where we're headed. I'm wondering if maybe we're both unhappy and too scared to admit what we want to do about it.
*sigh*
That was a longer answer than you wanted, I know. But this has been going on for years, it got worse with the smartphones and I think I've just reached the point where I need him to consistently show me how he feels because a simple "I will try harder" isn't going to cut it.
I'm a little surprised that the jealousy hasn't been a better motivator.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
If we're being honest kuus. I am too. But the guy at work is taller, my age, and a doctor so maybehs insecurity is coming into play. It may also be laziness-he doesn't want things to change even though they need to.
Kuus, I am sure he is jealous enough because he "teases" me everytime I so much as mentiion the guy stops by my office. But I think he is afraid he can't compete so he isn't going to try. It makes me sad but I don't know what else I can do if he has given up.
Post by omgguineapigs on Jul 1, 2013 19:55:00 GMT -5
Cuddlyevil - we need to go out sometime again. I'm sorry I couldn't go out with you a few weeks ago when you invited me - that sounded like a lot of fun. We need to go out and drink and have our Hs pick us up.
cuddlyevil, go to therapy lady! It will help you to either decide what is OK and what isn't or it will help you to be OK being the asshole. It most certainly won't harm anything.
Damn straight kuus. But even if puts it down there is always something else.
OMGGP yes we do. It would be awesome.
Maybe therapy will help me if only to get past the fear of being the asshole.
This seems to be the crux of the problem. I'm so sorry cuddlyevil. Honestly, he needs to pull his head out of his ass and hear how his ignoring you is killing your relationship. A couple's therapist might help, if he's willing to be part of the process. I've found Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy to be helpful, though tough. It would force him to confront feelings and the emotional aftermath within you of his neglect and abandonment.
This seems to be more for Kuus than CE, sometimes Boyfriend and I get at an impasse because the longer that we go without sex the less I want sex and then he waits until he really, really wants sex and then I feel guilty. He wants me to initiate so he knows I want sex and I want him to initiate so that I can get back into the desire for regular sex.
cuddlyevil, does your H realize how ignored you are actually feeling? I know a few weeks ago you had a moment where you wanted to stay and work on things but you skipped out on therapy and he won't go. You have to make progress towards something.
Kuus, is there any physical touch that you enjoy that feels sensual without being necessarily overtly sexual?
Look, I'm not a big love languages person, but I think the overall idea has some merit. DH and I both have physical touch as our primary. I was shut off sexually for a LONG time, and I don't think it was just OCP. When I started consistently getting more physical attention that was non-sexual in nature, without any pressure for sex, I started to respond more, sexually, over time. Maybe there's something that can be a different way to connect physically that takes away the pressure for sex. But if you only enjoy touching in the context of sex, then that doesn't work.
Ummm...sensate focus is a fairly common technique, but I don't know if that's something you two would want to try.
We're very touchy-feely abd affectionate, and we shower together daily and are... affectionate there, too. (This is such a personal subject; I never know how much detail to give.) And I do like a lot of the touching in a sensual but nonsexual way, except for the foreplay stuff, which just makes me kind of pissed off.
We've tried upping the frequency, and it was less weird and awkward, at least, but still not good, not really.
This seems to be more for Kuus than CE, sometimes Boyfriend and I get at an impasse because the longer that we go without sex the less I want sex and then he waits until he really, really wants sex and then I feel guilty. He wants me to initiate so he knows I want sex and I want him to initiate so that I can get back into the desire for regular sex.
cuddlyevil, does your H realize how ignored you are actually feeling? I know a few weeks ago you had a moment where you wanted to stay and work on things but you skipped out on therapy and he won't go. You have to make progress towards something.
Mel, I don't know if he knows. I think he knows I am not happy, knows I don't like how he's been hiding upstairs playing that blasted game for hours but I don't think he's figured out that it's related. His dad was like this too, didn't pull his head out of his arse until MIL had cheated and told him she was leaving for the other guy. Now, I will not cheat on DH--deep down he knows this. But that won't stop me from leaving him if things don't get better (fuck, I can't believe I've even typed those words out--but it's true).
I think he'd go if I pressed him enough, but there would be some "Do we have to go on a worknight?" whining. I don't know, it'd have to be the right person so he doesn't feel ganged up on and he'd have to feel like he had a hand in deciding that therapy is something we need to do. He won't go or participate fully if he feels railroaded into it.
cuddlyevil ((((((big hugs)))))) he needs to know how serious your feelings are so he can decide how serious his reaction. He also needs to realize that he is repeating the same pattern he saw growing up.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 2, 2013 10:17:14 GMT -5
So... (if this is too graphic, let me know) we got together pretty young, like hormones raging young. And as such, it wasn't hard to get me going; evenif I didn't like what was going on, I could try to be positive and encouraging like every bit of advice recommends and guide him toward something I do like, and then BACK to something I do like, without the stuff I didn't like completely killing the mood. But the longer we were together, the harder it was for that not to kill the mood, and even after explaining to him outside the heat of the moment that I don't like that, all I got was argument that I must have liked it at one point (because he didn't notice that I was ever guiding him away at the time) and whining that this was his natural inclination toward what to do and if he has to always think and make sure he doesn't do any of that, then he can't get in the mood.
Now, that isn't to say he does things I hate still, because he doesn't (any more - he'd still forget sometimes in the heat of the moment for a while there), but now it's like I've eliminated all his moves, and he has no idea what to do. And now I have no idea what he should do, either, just... not that. There's more to it, of course, but there's the foreplay problem.
Post by omgguineapigs on Jul 2, 2013 10:32:28 GMT -5
That's not too graphic. Sorry you're going through this. I think ours is simply taht we have to get the spark back, but yours sounds like it turns into an argument. Since of course the argument ends up being quite a turn-off, have you guys talked about what you like/don't like outside of the bedroom? I can understand how he feels insecure, but hey, your body may be changing - you can just give that as the reason, since you don't know exactly what it is anyway, and part of being married is being flexible as the other person's needs change. That's a lot better than him thinking that his "shoddy foreplay used to work and now doesn't"!
That's my question too - maybe you should focus on other areas to gain arousal and when you both feel comfortable exploring something new - maybe that will help ease you back into the familiar territory with new feelings. I know what you mean though - when the experiences pile up, it's hard to go backwards and create anew when everyone is hung up on what has happened.
I'm thinking on this, I really am. I have another question though. Do you get turned on by the non-sexual touching? By non-purpose-driven touching?
Sometimes slightly?
Well now I go back to the idea of trying sensate focus. It's about one partner exploring the other's body to find what turns them on. Sex is taken off the table while this is done. I think there may be books out there about this. I'll see if I can find one so you can look it over and see if it holds any interest to you.
And yes, what turns us on changes over time, sometimes drastically so. Just going straight for the nipples might've worked at one time, but now it's just an annoyance, or previously-sensual kissing just tickles now. I hope Mr. Kuus can be open to learning, because I know that you'd be open to learning if what you were doing wasn't working for him.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jul 2, 2013 11:28:55 GMT -5
Yeah, what works for him has changed over time, too, or maybe it hasn't and it's just that a jab with a sharp stick would have worked when he was 19. It's phenotypically identical.