Pedantic, he was using it as an escape from his work woes. But things have improved (and he may actually have a start date for the new job finally). However, when he gets into something it takes his attention away from everything else. As for anything else? I don't know, maybe he's freaking out because he can sense I am unhappy and pulling away a bit only instead of tryng to mend things he's hiding.
He may also be unhappy too and afraid to bring it up. He has a comfortable situation at home and he knows it: I cook, clean, take care of the kids, and make sure bills are paid. He doesn't want to lose it (so he says).
It probably is Doglove because I feel myself starting to check out. I don't think he realizes how much he's been pushing me away.
Yeah that sounds tough. DH and I have gone through something similar since the wedding because I think we had so much stress last year and we just became exhausted and checked out. I know being able to talk about it and me getting on AD has helped, but he has done a lot of work too. It is a constant struggle for both of us to stay present and have quality time together, but we talk about the struggle frequently and that helps more than anything. We have also make a point to try and schedule fun activities for the two of us. I know you guys have already tried this, so a come to jesus talk might be necessary.
My therapist suggested something kind of small - where each person gets ten minutes to talk about whatever they want. During this time, the spouse will say, "I hear you say this" to mirror back what the other person is saying - not respond to it, not fix it, not judge it, etc. and the other spouse will correct them until the spouse feels heard. After ten minutes, the other spouse gets to do the same thing. Do you think something like this would help? It sounds mickey mouse and uncomfortable to not respond to something our spouse says, but it's a good tool to learn how to listen to each other and be heard.
I think, if he doesn't want things to end up the same way his parents' marriage ended, he needs to go to counseling with you. NEEDS. It's not okay that he takes you for granted as the "comfortable place" in his life. It's not okay that he neglects your needs. And I think he needs to gest this from a professional. I think I recommended it before: emotionally-focused couples therapy. But I also don't think a single one of us would blame you for just being done.
I will ask him about counseling tonight but I don't know what his response will be.
I hate to throw away 10 years over a stupid video game, but I know it's more than that. Is it wrong that I am already planning my response if things go south? Just so I am not blindsided?
I will ask him about counseling tonight but I don't know what his response will be.
I hate to throw away 10 years over a stupid video game, but I know it's more than that. Is it wrong that I am already planning my response if things go south? Just so I am not blindsided?
Yeah it's not the video game, it's the checking out of the relationship. The video game is just the red herring.
Have you tried, instead of talking to him, throwing a shitfit? Or telling him that doctor dude at your work is looking pretty good because he talks to you instead of playing video games?
This is, of course, a milder version of my instinctive reaction to have you smash the gaming system with a hammer and say "it's not that bad; at least I'm doing this and not out fucking doctor dude."
Nope. Primarily because I do mention doctor dude, not like that but if I so much as say "He stopped by and we chatted for a bit" DH starts going off on "So he got some good flirting in, eh?" and basically freaks out.
We have an impromptu kid free night tonight, so there will be a discussion tonight because this is getting crazy.
This is what happened with his parents. MIL was a SAHM, FIL was a computer engineer and his service area was the eastern half of the US--when he'd come home from his work trips, they would talk about the kids then he'd retreat to his den. Finally, she told him she needed adult conversation and got a job. At that job she met someone who was recently divorced, nice, and paid attention to her. Before she knew it, she had fallen for the other guy and was cheating on FIL. They tried counseling but MIL had already checked out. She's been married to the other guy for close to 30 years now.
I don't think he sees that he's putting us on this same path and the only thing that will be different is that I won't cheat--I'll leave him, then take up with someone when I'm ready. Hell, I may have blown a chance with doctor dude on Saturday but damn if I am going to tell DH that.
Is it so bad if he freaks out? What if you DON'T reassure him, and just say "well, this is what happened with your parents, and while I'm not cheating, I can see us going down the same path"? Is there a reason not to let him freak out?
Does he not see that he's repeating the same pattern/dynamic he saw between his parents, growing up? Realizing that might be the wake-up call he needs.
I'm sorry cuddlyevil. This must be really discouraging. I hope your talk goes well tonight.
I will ask him about counseling tonight but I don't know what his response will be.
I hate to throw away 10 years over a stupid video game, but I know it's more than that. Is it wrong that I am already planning my response if things go south? Just so I am not blindsided?
No, it's not wrong, it's logical for you to do that.
He needs to understand that if he doesn't want to end up divorced he needs to get his ass into counseling and put in a real effort. Video game addiction can be just as damaging to a relationship as any other type of addiction. Knowing that on your spouse's priority list you fall somewhere below a game is hurtful and damages the trust and intimacy.
I do think he needs to hear how bad things are without you trying to soften the blow or comforting him right away. I think the comforting you do could be along the lines of "I brought this to you because I want us to try to fix it. If I was already dead set on leaving I wouldn't have brought this up. But what I decide to do from here depends in large part on how things proceed following this conversation."
Kuus, I guess it isn't bad if he freaks out. But when he does freak out over him nothing productive ever comes of it. I may frame it like you suggested, but I really don't know how he'll handle it.
Here's another thing: I was on the phone with my folks, they asked about Saturday night. So I was telling my dad about it, I mentioned doctor dude was there--my daughter was nearby and said "Oh, Doctor dude was there? Daddy's going to worry...". Yep, he worries a lot but it hasn't translated into any sort of action.
Also, I'd take Doctor dude off the table. This isn't about you being dissatisfied because there's a better option out there. This is about you being dissatisfied because your husband isn't meeting your basic needs in this relationship and doesn't even seem interested in trying, frankly. I wonder if he's shut down further because he feels he can't compete so why even bother, because clearly this guy is better than him. It may be feeding the problem instead of lighting the spark you'd hope it would light.
I have stopped talking about him at home for the most part. I've never really talked about him in a way that would imply he's better or anything. DH just makes the leap to "OMG, he's totally flirting with you" and has ever since he hugged me at the Christmas party. Hell, he got a little testy with me when I mentioned that one of our offsite attendings hugged me on Saturday after I thanked him for coming to the dinner.
He's always been very "I trust you, it's them I don't trust" about other guys. He'd be so happy if I worked with all women.
I think initially he blamed his stepfather for everything (while his brother put it all on MIL). But over time, he started to realize that his step dad was more a father to him than his father.
I think he sees his Dad's faults, but I don't know if he acknowledges what kind of a role they played in the breakdown of his parents marriage. I think he acknowledges that his Dad was distant enough to push his Mom away, he still blames MIL (or used to) because she made the decision to cheat.
She probably would have, at least until the kids grew up and moved out. She does kick herself for going on a date with him at all (he was way late to their first day because he fell asleep in the bathtub while he was getting ready). But she was young.
I don't know that DH has given it all that much thought though.
Post by partiallysunny on Jul 3, 2013 12:56:17 GMT -5
Oh cuddly ::hugs:: this had been going on for a long time and I'm so frustrated for you. I hope he goes to counseling, but I think the fact that he blamed his mother and step father for the divorce speaks volumes.
Kuus, I have no advice. Maybe some cheesy sex books like "joy of sex" to get some ideas? I'm dying to know what sex move Mr. Kuus isn't allowed to use any more.
Oh! I got a book called "the guide to getting it on" as a gift at my bachelorette party, it's actually pretty good. That might be a good place to start Kuus.
Kuus, I have no advice. Maybe some cheesy sex books like "joy of sex" to get some ideas? I'm dying to know what sex move Mr. Kuus isn't allowed to use any more.
Maybe I should follow Neil Gaiman's advice about how the mystery is what lingers, while the explanation never lives up, but I'm going to tell you anyway: it's kissing my neck. I'm ticklish, and it feels awful, to the point that I actually have nightmares about my neck being kissed.
Kuus, I have no advice. Maybe some cheesy sex books like "joy of sex" to get some ideas? I'm dying to know what sex move Mr. Kuus isn't allowed to use any more.
Maybe I should follow Neil Gaiman's advice about how the mystery is what lingers, while the explanation never lives up, but I'm going to tell you anyway: it's kissing my neck. I'm ticklish, and it feels awful, to the point that I actually have nightmares about my neck being kissed.
Oh man this is me too! Although I love to have my neck kissed, but I can't stand the tickling part, especially when DH's face gets scruffy. Higher up near/behind the ear isn't very ticklish for me. That's our compromise.
Kuus, I have no advice. Maybe some cheesy sex books like "joy of sex" to get some ideas? I'm dying to know what sex move Mr. Kuus isn't allowed to use any more.
Maybe I should follow Neil Gaiman's advice about how the mystery is what lingers, while the explanation never lives up, but I'm going to tell you anyway: it's kissing my neck. I'm ticklish, and it feels awful, to the point that I actually have nightmares about my neck being kissed.
I love kisses on my neck, especially the nape. ::shiver::
Maybe I should follow Neil Gaiman's advice about how the mystery is what lingers, while the explanation never lives up, but I'm going to tell you anyway: it's kissing my neck. I'm ticklish, and it feels awful, to the point that I actually have nightmares about my neck being kissed.
I love kisses on my neck, especially the nape. ::shiver::
Tell him to go for the boobs instead.
You know, I just don't love touches with mouth, period. Whatever he does involving mouth on boob is pretty off-putting, too. There was this one time he did something that, I swear, made it feel like frozen needles were being nursed out of my nipple.
Plus he has some facial hair, so that pretty much never feels good anywhere.