Yeah, what works for him has changed over time, too, or maybe it hasn't and it's just that a jab with a sharp stick would have worked when he was 19. It's phenotypically identical.
Does he understand that things have changed for both of you? Can he see his own changes? It sounds like, at least in theory, you want to maintain an intimate connection and have sex with him. It's the process of getting there where the breakdowns are occurring. Does he feel wanted by you? Do you feel wanted and desired by him?
Yeah, what works for him has changed over time, too, or maybe it hasn't and it's just that a jab with a sharp stick would have worked when he was 19. It's phenotypically identical.
Does he understand that things have changed for both of you? Can he see his own changes? It sounds like, at least in theory, you want to maintain an intimate connection and have sex with him. It's the process of getting there where the breakdowns are occurring. Does he feel wanted by you? Do you feel wanted and desired by him?
Maybe and no? I don't know. He blames a lot on his weight gain.
Does he understand that things have changed for both of you? Can he see his own changes? It sounds like, at least in theory, you want to maintain an intimate connection and have sex with him. It's the process of getting there where the breakdowns are occurring. Does he feel wanted by you? Do you feel wanted and desired by him?
Maybe and no? I don't know. He blames a lot on his weight gain.
I need to clarify. Are the maybe and no responses to my last two questions?
Oh. Yeah, maybe to him feeling wanted by me, and no to me feeling wanted by him.
Well that seems like the biggest problem. Of course foreplay is going to annoy you if you don't feel wanted by him.
Does he engage with you about your daily life? Do you feel connected outside of sexually?
Yes, we are fairly connected outside of this. But we have our areas of contention that we're working through, too, and that might have something to do with this, maybe. But we do spend a lot of time engaging with each other, though he is in general a lot more of a talker than I am.
If you don't feel desired by him, I can see foreplay and sex losing their appeal. Who wants to have sex with someone when it feels like they're doing it out of duty or like they don't really care to try all that hard.
This article struck a chord with you for a reason. Do you think Mr. Kuus' attitude is at all similar to the writer's?
If you don't feel desired by him, I can see foreplay and sex losing their appeal. Who wants to have sex with someone when it feels like they're doing it out of duty or like they don't really care to try all that hard.
This article struck a chord with you for a reason. Do you think Mr. Kuus' attitude is at all similar to the writer's?
Yes. Yes, I do. He hated dating and crushes and first kisses and everything, too, all the stuff that was wonderful and exciting to me. It's kind of hard to rekindle a spark that half of the couple doesn't miss at all.
If you don't feel desired by him, I can see foreplay and sex losing their appeal. Who wants to have sex with someone when it feels like they're doing it out of duty or like they don't really care to try all that hard.
This article struck a chord with you for a reason. Do you think Mr. Kuus' attitude is at all similar to the writer's?
Yes. Yes, I do. He hated dating and crushes and first kisses and everything, too, all the stuff that was wonderful and exciting to me. It's kind of hard to rekindle a spark that half of the couple doesn't miss at all.
I'm sorry Kuus. You're right, it is. I'm having a hard time fathoming not liking crushes or the anticipation of the first kiss, etc. It seems to go back to long-ago issues of low drive. I wish I had something I could say in this thread that would make things better for you.
I'm sorry kuus. Does he know how you feel about this?
Possibly? He knows that this is the part of relationships that I enjoy the most, though now that I think about it, I don't know if that translated into any sort of practically applied knowledge.
So I mentioned to DH that it feels like he doesn't like me very much. He denied it. I told him his hiding upstairs playing the game for so many hours every night. He said "well the battery life is so bad, I can't play it downstairs with you guys".
So I mentioned to DH that it feels like he doesn't like me very much. He denied it. I told him his hiding upstairs playing the game for so many hours every night. He said "well the battery life is so bad, I can't play it downstairs with you guys".
I would like to smack him upside the head for you. Did the conversation go any further than that?
No. Because he went upstairs to shower. My ILs are taking the kids tomorrow night so we can talk more tomorrow. His response to my telling him if he valued me as a wife to not take on a leader role on the game was "I do value you-I married you didn't I"
Previously his response to me raising my concerns has been "I am home playing this. I am not drinking with friends all night or out chasing other women. It's just this thing and it isn't that bad".
No. Because he went upstairs to shower. My ILs are taking the kids tomorrow night so we can talk more tomorrow. His response to my telling him if he valued me as a wife to not take on a leader role on the game was "I do value you-I married you didn't I"
Previously his response to me raising my concerns has been "I am home playing this. I am not drinking with friends all night or out chasing other women. It's just this thing and it isn't that bad".
Video games have serious potential to ruin marriages. What game is he playing? Or what games?
I still want to hit him for you. I hope you're able to get somewhere in the conversation tomorrow. This sounds so incredibly difficult and I don't envy you at all. I'm worried for you that he won't wake up unless/until you leave him. I really hope it doesn't come to that, though.
I'm so sorry. He really needs to understand, and I hate that he still doesn't get it. Honestly, for as fucked up as my situation is, I can say H hearing in therapy about how his gaming impacted me and just how unimportant it made me feel did shift his mindset. When the focus was off of "you game too much" and onto "your having makes your wife feel unimportant and abandoned" he actually listened, and he gets it now. But he also was in a place where he could handle discussion of emotions better.
Hugs cuddlyevil. I want to find your H and monkey snatches peach his testicles. Or maybe could connect a shock therapy device to his testicles and ever time he opens spartan wars will get a cattle prod level shock.
Now that I have gotten rid of my violent streak. Seriously, un-fucking-acceptable. Boyfriend loves games but I think he would quit all together if I told him I felt unloved or ignored. You deserve so much better than that. You deserve more attention than spartan wars. You deserve to be the priority. You deserve an equal partner in life. If he isn't putting effort in to making you feel liked than you should put some effort into packing up his phone charger and the rest of his shit and putting it on the porch.
Ugh cuddlyevil, I'm so sorry. Big huge hugs. If you need anything (shiv sharpening, help hiding the body, help packing up his phone charger, someone to knock sense into him...) please let me know. I'll help however I can.
And seriously, I want to come to your place and scream at him for you. And uninstall Spartan Wars and find a way to add parental protection so that he can't download any more of this kind of shit. And also slap him. Apparently Mel and I are the new enforcers around here.
I'm truly sad for you. And for him, for not realizing what he's missing.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 2, 2013 23:02:41 GMT -5
Have you tried, instead of talking to him, throwing a shitfit? Or telling him that doctor dude at your work is looking pretty good because he talks to you instead of playing video games?
This is, of course, a milder version of my instinctive reaction to have you smash the gaming system with a hammer and say "it's not that bad; at least I'm doing this and not out fucking doctor dude."
Post by pedanticwench on Jul 2, 2013 23:39:03 GMT -5
Are you confident enough to give him an ultimatum? As in, he stops playing the game or you walk?
He obviously has an addiction, and that seriously needs to be addressed. Is there a reason he's playing it so much? What is going on in his life that is making him use this as an escape?
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
Have you tried, instead of talking to him, throwing a shitfit? Or telling him that doctor dude at your work is looking pretty good because he talks to you instead of playing video games?
This is, of course, a milder version of my instinctive reaction to have you smash the gaming system with a hammer and say "it's not that bad; at least I'm doing this and not out fucking doctor dude."
Nope. Primarily because I do mention doctor dude, not like that but if I so much as say "He stopped by and we chatted for a bit" DH starts going off on "So he got some good flirting in, eh?" and basically freaks out.
We have an impromptu kid free night tonight, so there will be a discussion tonight because this is getting crazy.
This is what happened with his parents. MIL was a SAHM, FIL was a computer engineer and his service area was the eastern half of the US--when he'd come home from his work trips, they would talk about the kids then he'd retreat to his den. Finally, she told him she needed adult conversation and got a job. At that job she met someone who was recently divorced, nice, and paid attention to her. Before she knew it, she had fallen for the other guy and was cheating on FIL. They tried counseling but MIL had already checked out. She's been married to the other guy for close to 30 years now.
I don't think he sees that he's putting us on this same path and the only thing that will be different is that I won't cheat--I'll leave him, then take up with someone when I'm ready. Hell, I may have blown a chance with doctor dude on Saturday but damn if I am going to tell DH that.