I am glad you are at peace. I think you are starting to find your relationship with doctor dude more fulfilling than H. Maybe because doctor dude talks to you like an adult and listens to what you have to say.
I can't imagine only being able to talk about one thing with Boyfriend. I would go crazy!
That's just it. There really isn't a relationship with doctor dude. He is awesome, adorable and he talks to me. I bolted on him Saturday because I was getting weird vibes and worried something might happen (even though I kind of want it to happen). Now he isn't really talking to me. But if I were single I would break my rules about not dating someone I work with and date him.
I think he thinks it's too much work.to talk about anything else. He is so tired when he gets home that he doesn't want to think.
You just described a more substantive relationship with doctor dude than with your H. Doctor dude talks to you, tada! The relationship is more substantive.
The thing is, you're not asking for a lot here, and so it's disheartening when you're putting in all this effort to fix something and he's...well...I'm just mad at him. lol
(((hugs)))
I think you're handling all of this like a champ, lady. This isn't easy. We're here for you.
I think if you are feeling ready to put a plan in place you should. In a scenario where he makes an effort and changes then your plan is unnecessary. In a world where spartan wars is a priority for him then you have a plan and you're not stuck with him longer than you have to be.
I think counseling for yourself could really help you. Whether it's to make a decision to move forward in this relationship or on your own. I know you said your DH probably won't go, but it seems like both of your communication skills could use some help. It's hard to undo what's been done when it piles on top of itself over the years by yourself, you know? It's also another thing if you both WANT to try to undo it and reshape your relationship or if you are the only one who wants that.
None of us know what is the best thing for you to do. I also think counseling would be a good idea, either together or for you alone. You sound like you're at the end of your ripe and I don't blame you.
What I meant before, and didn't say very well, about taking doctor dude off the table is that I meant not just with your husband or in conversations with us, but within yourself. If you choose to leave, you will get to find out what else is out there. But I think it's best to not have one of those better-seeming options as an option in the front of your mind. Honestly, the way you've talked about wpc has say a little funny with me for a while. Like he's more than just a crush, he's someone you wish you were free to pursue. I may have misread, so I apologize for any offense if I did.
I think what you have to decide now is: if your husband is willing to do the hard work of going to therapy and trying to fix things, are you willing to try working it out with him? Or has there been so much damage done by his behavior that you're done?
To be frank, I do like wpc more than I should. I can't explain it either because I have had crushes that faded away. That's why he makes me so nervous. I have tried to turn it off or dial it back butwith minimal success (obvs).
I want to see if DH and I can figure this out. We have been together for ten years and I don't want to throw it away. Part of me is scared of being a 37 year old divorcee but the other part is scared of throwing away something fixable. I love him but I am finding myself getting frustrated and feeling lost more often. So I don't what that means.
Doglove, that is what has me worried. His comments about going back to being lazy aren't sittinv well with me because it fits his pattern. I will bring something up, he'll promise to do better. He will fix it for a month or so but then go back to his old ways. Part of that is my fault for letting it go on so long. I admit to enabling some of this by not being as proactive about holding him to his word.
But you can't fix the marriage by yourself - you need a partner who is also willing to fix it too.
Yes. I agree that counseling would be beneficial while you decide what you want to do. I would hope that he would eventually be willing to participate in sessions as well, because you can't (nor should you be expected to) fix this yourself.
cuddlyevil, I think it means that you be really honest with your husband about where you're at and tell him that, to even figure out if it's fixable, you two NEED to ve in therapy together. And that if he wants to stay married to you, he has to go to therapy with you, because trying to fix it without professional help hasn't worked. And let jim know you do want to try, but need to see that he wants to try and sees that he needs to make changes.
Maybe something to remember about wpc is that, however awesome and charming he is now, you don't know what he'd be like to date, or be with. He might have his own issues that would cause you to want to smother him in his sleep. Every guy out there who looks like a better option has downsides as well. Maybe not enough to preclude a relationship with them if you were single, but enough to not be able to help save you from your current situation.
Tiramisu, I have been telling myself that for weeks. Just because he is great right now doesn't mean we'd a)work out or b) he wouldn't annoy the crap out of me eventually.
I might call DH's eap for some suggestions. I found one I liked over thephone but I don't think she'd work for him. I have more success with him if I make it seem like his idea. Therapy would never be his idea so it's hard.
I think this is where it's okay to make it clear to your husband that you two need outside help trying to fix things, because you're deeply unsatisfied and have been for a long time, but love him enough that you want to try to fix this together first.
I still want to smack him for you.
DH and I both "interviewed" therapists over the phone so that we could find someone who was a fit for both of us.
If he freaks and refuses counseling I will be very sad but know how to move forward.
Like I told the lady at work yesterday: I won't care if I am living in a two bedroom apartment with my three kids as long as I am happy. Eventually, I know I'd find someone when I was ready.
And that's why I think he needs to hear this from a therapist, a neutral third party you've both agreed upon so that he can't say the therapist is on your side.
Because yes, you are trying to change him. You're trying to change him from a selfish, lazy lump into a functioning, equal partner in your life.
When I come smack him, I'll bring my friend who wants to kick someone in the balls.
Like I told him last night, he just needs to be here not 'on' but near and occasionally throw out a one liner. I used the example of Tuesday night. I told him it is good when he's like that and I need more of it. It is stuff like that that makes me want to work on it. Then the nights where he's MIA make me want to pack his shit up and put it on the porch.
You're welcome. And good for you for telling him that. He needs a wake up call, he needs to realize how close he is to losing what he wants. I don't think he's necessarily depressed (though I know back in the old place that would've been thrown out by someone, which is why I say it), but it sounds like he has no motivation to make any changes. Really anywhere in his life, unless he HAS to. I hope that he will agree to therapy and be an active participant in the process. Whatever happens, I'm here for you, as is everyone else. Big hugs, this is a tough time to navigate.
The men in his family are very "I'll do something about when something happens to me" about everything. So we will see. He is home from work now so we'll see how quick he is. I'll call eap tomorrow for suggestions.
cuddlyevil, I am just a lurker here but I wanted to reply because I am going through something very similar atm and I know how hard it is being stuck in that do I/don't I stage. I think daily about how nice it would be to just be on my own with my little boy but struggle at the thought of him not getting to see his daddy everyday because of a decision I make. It's so hard.
I wanted to say though, there is a big difference between asking a person to change vs asking a person to change their behavior. That is what you are asking and it shouldn't be that hard to change behavior that is hurting someone you supposedly love. This needs to be pointed out to him, he is using it as an excuse.
You're not trying to change who he is as a person per se, but in reality that might not be true because perhaps his true nature is lazy and that is causing the undesirable behavior.. Similar to my situation but not laziness specifically.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 4, 2013 17:38:39 GMT -5
I am just flabbergasted by this. You're considering leaving him, and he's talking about doing the minimum so he can be lazy again? I am not even convinced that you really like that doctor, as much as he looks like an escape route from a lifetime of fuck-effort.
I really, really think that you need to stop talking and start yelling. His life needs to be fucking MISERABLE when he's not pulling his weight in the marriage,
Kuus, we will see what will happen. He actually was quick in the shower and such tonight. I am bringing up counseling and we'll see how long it holds up. And how he responds to the counseling suggestion.