Post by partiallysunny on Jul 5, 2013 9:48:38 GMT -5
Your update makes me sad.
I agree that you need to take doctor dude off the table and out of the equation. He complicates this a great deal. Either you want to work it out with your H or you don't. Doctor Dude should have nothing to do with it. I'm really glad he isn't talking to you right now.
I also think counseling will help you a great deal, even if your H won't go. It will help you sort through your feelings.
IMHO, if he refuses counseling, you should consider separation. Of course, it's up to you and that's just my advice. He needs a wake up call. His habit of going back to his old ways makes after a short time of putting in effort makes me so mad for you!
I'm doing all right today. I have a lot of work to do and it's keeping my mind occupied for the most part. And everyone is either off or in the OR so it's dead here--just me and that admin for the other department at the other end of the hall.
I'm going to call EAP on my lunch break and see if they've got suggestions for me. Then I am broaching the subject tonight.
I told MIL that he and I talked on Wednesday and that I am going to suggest counseling. She made a face and I said "Sure he was quick last night, and may be tonight but he could slide back into his old ways as early as next week and I don't want to lose this over a stupid game. But I can't stay in a situation like that, I can't". She tried to tell me that all boys are selfish like this, uh not quite. She said "It will work out". We'll see.
. She tried to tell me that all boys are selfish like this, uh not quite.
Oh geez.
My h has actually tried this line on me before. I laughed in his face and told him in I'd rather be alone forever than deal with -insert topic here- from any man for the rest of my life. I'm sure you feel the same.
I told MIL that he and I talked on Wednesday and that I am going to suggest counseling. She made a face and I said "Sure he was quick last night, and may be tonight but he could slide back into his old ways as early as next week and I don't want to lose this over a stupid game. But I can't stay in a situation like that, I can't". She tried to tell me that all boys are selfish like this, uh not quite. She said "It will work out". We'll see.
^o)
Uh, newp. She's wrong. Sorry.
I think her saying all of this is coming from a place where she's feeling protective of your H. She's just not able to be objective about this.
Yeah.... I'd leave mil out of any of this. It leaves more openings for you to not get what you need from your marriage. It makes things cloudy and she shouldnt know the details anyway. I get needing to talk through it, but leave that for your eap visits.
I'm trying to say as little as possible, but I know she's as concerned about it as I am--I just don't think she realized the depth to which it's damaging us.
I think if we were to divorce, she would be upset but understand because she went through something similar with FIL. The only difference being I will not cheat on H like she did.
I think you need to keep the marriage issues between you and your DH and your potential therapist. No good can come of putting an outsider in the middle of it, even if she is concerned.
I know you're right, there really isn't a whole lot she can do anyway. I know she butts her head in without me saying anything as it is (I'm not supposed to know, but I know her and I know H). He tends to blow her off anyway because she approaches her concerns like she always has: with lectures, unwanted information, and guilt. You should see her when she tries to talk to him about his weight. I find the kids and play with them when that starts.
You do realize that even if you were to leave H today, doctor dude would still be off the table for you, right? Dating is just not on the horizon for you right now. He is not a viable option. Don't consider him as such.
Weren't you guys going to counseling before? I remember you needing to talk to your MIL about keeping the kids later one day a week. What happened to that?
Have you ever discussed with him why he is so spent when he gets home from work? If he blames this all on work, why is he not looking for a different job? I don't know if he has noticed or not, but last I checked, you work too. Why does he get to tune out when he gets home and you have to stay on? I suspect that work is just an excuse, but if you feel the need to exhaust all options, then this is another one to try.
You might as well be on your own at this point. If nothing else, you know you can do it. Hugs to you.
Muddled, he's got another job lined up--he finds out the exact start date next week. But the hours will probably be longer and it'll be more stressful. And yeah, I know no one would be on the table for me if I left DH today--I need to get myself in order and make sure the kids are all right before anything like that would come on to my radar. The kids are my priority.
DH does say it's all his job, it may be just an excuse at this point though.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this is all attributable to his job. Why would either of you think it a good idea for him to work even longer hours? Is the money really worth it?
I'm sorry, hon. I really don't see an end to this for you.
The new job is with a company who will appreciate him and there is more money involved. They are also offering him a shot at a Monday - Friday work schedule, which is something he's been hoping for but not getting at his current employer.
I don't think either of us see it as getting better with the new job, but it would remove one of his stressors. It won't remove any of mine though But that is why counseling is crucial, we can work together to find a better solution and maybe he can come up with another way to manage his stress rather than retreating from his family.
*sigh* this sucks donkey balls, big fat hairy ones.
I am almost wondering if we've come to a point in our marriage where we're both just tired. Like, we care about each other and we're comfortable together but there may not be much else beyond. Sure the sex is good and we have a good time together but we're not partners anymore. I'm not sure when we stopped being partners. I know we both feel it, he didn't even get angry when I brought everything up on Wednesday--he had a calm explanation for all of it. The thing is, I have been the only one to bring any of this stuff up--that's what has hit me the hardest. It's like he notices and is "well, if I won't say anything because if I do then we'll have to do something about all of this.".
I don't know Kuus. He loves the kids so much, to the point where he gets mopey when they're gone but they do test his limits. He was just telling me the other night how good it feels because DS #1 is now really starting to want to snuggle with him (he's a very big mama's boy, but was never a huge snuggly kid)--he loves it. But then if he doesn't have me around to act as a buffer, he can get stressed out really quickly. I think some of that is because he gets frustrated because they're kids and do stuff that kids do (not eat the food that's in front of them, avoid naps, etc.).
As for me, I don't know. He tells me he loves me and that I'm not losing him, but I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am more of a nuisance than anything else.
As for me, I don't know. He tells me he loves me and that I'm not losing him, but I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am more of a nuisance than anything else.
this made me a little teary eyed for you, cuddlyevil. I know how this feals, and it sucks!
Cuddlyevil, he sounds like someone who never learned how to manage stress and frustration. Or difficult emotions in general. He can learn, if he's motivated. There is something about him that seems...off. Like depression, but not. I can't quite put my finger on it, though.
I don't think he did. He lives in his own head a lot so he was always kind of "you pissed me off well i can drop you." so he never really faces whatever it is that made him mad or upset.
He isn't depressed. At least as far as I can tell.
He may just not want to rock the boat so he doesn't lose the comfortable situation he has.
I don't think he did. He lives in his own head a lot so he was always kind of "you pissed me off well i can drop you." so he never really faces whatever it is that made him mad or upset.
He isn't depressed. At least as far as I can tell.
He may just not want to rock the boat so he doesn't lose the comfortable situation he has.
He never learned how to handle the tough stuff. Now's the time for him to decide if he's going to learn and try to save the marriage or stay stuck in his little "emotions are scary" world and lose you. Once he makes his decision, your path will be much more clear.
Thanks for your input. Suesue you're right--at least in part. Before the game it was car magazines however he would put them down if I asked him to.
I am going to make the decision that is right for me and my children but on my own terms. I will suggest counseling and gauge my response based on his. He has been making an effort the last couple days but I need to see it be a permanent change. That won't come without help and if he's not willing to work at it. Then my decision will be clear.