Post by TrudyCampbell on Jul 31, 2013 11:52:34 GMT -5
I took a really interesting class on death in college and we discussed how sibling relationships can be the most significant relationships people ever have because they are by far the longest. I thought that was really interesting. It's true, who else do you know for your ENTIRE life?
I want to give Emmy a sibling for many of the reasons listed above: lessen the burden of taking care of me and DH later on, give her a {possible} confidant and lifelong friend, and, quite frankly, to give her someone to play with so I can get a break sometimes. Ha!
I know I don't want more than 2, though, because DH and I love to travel and I want to show my kids the world. That wouldn't be financially feasible with more than 2 for us. Also, I can't imagine the logistics of having more than 2. When they are grade-school-aged, I'll take one to ballet and DH will take the other to soccer (or whatever activities they like). I don't want to run around like a crazy person, which I feel will happen with more than 2.
Emerson Kate, born 38w5d on 4/6/12 at 6:02 p.m., 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 3/4 inches. Lucas Matthew, born 39w5d on 4/11/14 at 8:20 a.m., 7 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches.
I never thought I would want to be one and done. But since having Sam, I've had the thought. It has been hard on me and my husband. Not that Sam is even that difficult of a child. She is amazing actually. I just know I need more time to get used to the idea of bringing up a toddler, let along bringing up a toddler and a newborn. I am sure in a year or two I will be dying for another. I just need time.
I'm not one and done, but I think I obsessively worry about my kids being addicts. My parents are both drug addicts, my brother is a drug addict, my mom's father was a major alcoholic and died from it. My mom's sister just got out of rehab for alcohol addiction for the second time and her daughter (my cousin) drinks heavily but is on the denial stage that she has a problem. Addiction literally runs in my family! My sis and I have never been addicts of anything more than food (lol) and I just hope my kids can learn better behaviors and coping skills. I almost want to have two just in case one does become an addict, for backup! I think it would kill me if my only child became an addict and I lost them, too.
I wanted to say something like this even though it sounds really depressing and morbid. It's like "the heir and the spare"... you have more than one in case a worst case scenario happens.
Post by breezy8407 on Jul 31, 2013 12:04:25 GMT -5
It's very personal. The thing that got me to consider more than one was thinking about the relationships I have with my own brother and sister. And cousins, and all extended family. H always wanted no more than two. Once we decided to TTC, I became okay knowing the next 4 or so years of my life would being that pregnant/newborn/toddler phase of life.
Obviously life (God if you believe) had different plans for us and we ended up with surprise twins. We are definitely done now and although the first year is VERY hard, things have been pretty good lately.
I had bad PPD after Henry, and that was a big fear of mine having number two. I didn't want to go through that again, or put DH through it again. Plus, I was REALLY scared of Henry witnessing it. The good part is that I knew what to expect and was proactive. I saw a psychiatrist and had a prescription available to me, I talked to DH, my OB, and friends so I had a support system, etc. Oddly, I had no PPD this time around at all, but I felt good about the fact that I was prepared if it did happen.
Also, I'll throw in again that I love the bigger age difference we have. It helped me a lot that Henry was so independent and had his own schedule/friends/school/etc. Elliot just kind of fit in. And during those times (like the last few weeks, lol) where Elliot is going through tough no sleeping/sick/tantruming times I am not as overwhelmed as I know I would be if I had another toddler (others can do it, but I know my limitations). Plus, we only need to pay for one preschool and one college at a time! This is not a decision you need to make right away!
I second all the PPs who think it's a good idea to wait some time before having another or making the decision whether or not to have another. I know, for me, I am not ready to go through the baby stage again and I look forward to Violet being a much more independent (than she is now) 3 year old when we welcome a new baby into the mix.
For us, we definitely don't feel like our family is complete, but we have other supporting factors like space and financials that allow us to have another.
I think the most important thing for you is to focus on getting yourself as well as possible and making the decision about your career. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost!
I struggle with whether to stop at 2 but it's mainly a financial concern. If I hit the lotto I'm having 5 kids! And 5 nannies.
Yes if we were independently wealthy I would also have more little people in the house but for here and now two is good so we can stick with man to man defense
I will also chime in about liking the three year difference where one is pretty independent, a good helper and can go to and like going to preschool while you are home with the baby. My kids are easy babies but hard toddlers (this apparently holds true for both as I am finding out now) so it took me well through the second year to be ready for a second. Just my random thoughts. Plus having a second puts a lot of patenting you and other people are doing in perspective.
Well, we were one and done, but my uterus had other ideas
Had we had a singleton, we would have probably ended up adopted a boy or girl a few years from now.
devonpow I read that quote about the Thanksgiving table in an interview Gwyneth gave to some magazine. I get it, but I also think that you can create a family with friends if you want to
I'm probably not much help because I've always known in my heart that I wanted multiple children (and DH agrees). It's just how I've always pictured my life, and our jobs and financial position are compatible with having multiple children (at this time at least). As many others have said, it's such a personal decision. When you see your family 10 years down the line, do you picture the 3 of you and are you happy with that? Unless you have time constraints, I would just think about it and make a decision in few years. Maybe when he's older you could envision having a newborn as being more doable, or you will be happy just the way your family is! I'm also sorry that you've been struggling with PPD and PTSD.
Well, we were one and done, but my uterus had other ideas
Had we had a singleton, we would have probably ended up adopted a boy or girl a few years from now.
devonpow I read that quote about the Thanksgiving table in an interview Gwyneth gave to some magazine. I get it, but I also think that you can create a family with friends if you want to
I saw that interview and I was annoyed she used it! Lol. I'm not a Gwyneth fan
It is such a personal decision. For me, DH's age plays into it. A will probably have to deal with losing his father at a comparatively early age (in his thirties if not before) which is scary. I want him to have a sibling to go through it with. And I also don't want him to have to feel he has to support me on his own when I go through that - I'd like him to have someone to share those feelings with.
I lost my mom when I was 16. I think the way I've handled it over the past 12 years might be very different if I had the support of a sibling. My family was great through everything, but they weren't loosing a parent, kwim? Maybe it's morbid but I think about how if H or I die, unexpectedly or young, I wouldn't want her to be alone through that.
It is such a personal decision. For me, DH's age plays into it. A will probably have to deal with losing his father at a comparatively early age (in his thirties if not before) which is scary. I want him to have a sibling to go through it with. And I also don't want him to have to feel he has to support me on his own when I go through that - I'd like him to have someone to share those feelings with.
I lost my mom when I was 16. I think the way I've handled it over the past 12 years might be very different if I had the support of a sibling. My family was great through everything, but they weren't loosing a parent, kwim? Maybe it's morbid but I think about how if H or I die, unexpectedly or young, I wouldn't want her to be alone through that.
My brother and I fought incessantly before my mom died (we were 14 and 10), but we've been super close ever since. I couldn't imagine shouldering something like that alone. Not to talk - we've only spoken about her once - but it was more the comfort of having someone else going through it. I wouldn't have been able to stomach my dad's subsequent terrible dating decisions without my brother to laugh/vent with.
We're torn on this, too. One is so easy. He's outnumbered, portable, and a great kid. We can take him most anywhere, and he goes with the flow. We love to travel, and it's easy and less expensive with one.
What if we get a horrid, unlovable one next? Or one who needs a *gasp* schedule?
My only reason to have another is to give him a sibling. Is that enough of a reason? I don't know.
I lost my mom when I was 16. I think the way I've handled it over the past 12 years might be very different if I had the support of a sibling. My family was great through everything, but they weren't loosing a parent, kwim? Maybe it's morbid but I think about how if H or I die, unexpectedly or young, I wouldn't want her to be alone through that.
My brother and I fought incessantly before my mom died (we were 14 and 10), but we've been super close ever since. I couldn't imagine shouldering something like that alone. Not to talk - we've only spoken about her once - but it was more the comfort of having someone else going through it. I wouldn't have been able to stomach my dad's subsequent terrible dating decisions without my brother to laugh/vent with.
This made me tear up (darn hormones). I hadn't thought about it quite like that, but it was so great to have my sister when we lost my dad. It was good to have someone who understood exactly what I was going through. DH was awesome in comforting me, but didn't get it. My mom had been divorced from my dad for 25 years, so she was mostly just sad for her girls.
We're very homey and want lots of grandbabies one day, so we'll probably end up with 4 children. Out of my 2 brothers and 2 step-sisters I am the only one with kids, and it may stay that way (everyone is in their late 20s to mid 30s and no one else is even considering it right now). I plan on staying home and running my own business forever, so daycare concerns aren't a factor for us. And we just really want a bunch of kids and chaos. Having the two now and seeing them interact is just so special, it's hard to describe in words but it just melts my heart. I really hope that for us having more kids will encourage strong relationships between everyone.
I just think Matilda is so awesome I can't imagine not having another! Sure they are tough sometimes, tiring, annoying etc but overall I love having a kid and I assume having another will also be great.
Then we will see, I have three in my head as the number but logistically and financially two would make so much more sense. But... Babies!
Also, guys, for me having these two kids 17m apart is getting way easier than having only one. Edie is so active and just wants to PLAY PLAY PLAY and I have to do grown up things like cook dinner. I'm really happy that even at 16m, Adeline can be her buddy. And, thought they aren't garunteed to be BFFs, they will share a bond that no one else could possibly share with them. Not even me. Or their cousins. Or thier eventual partners if they find/choose to have them.
I know! I know I've said it before, but I almost feel guilty that it's so much easier in some ways now that there's 2. I mean, they still obviously need attention and do want me, but they play together a LOT. Built-in companions when it's too got or cold to go places. Even before she could/would play with him, just having the 2 in the room together made them happier when I would go do something. To me, it's not like you can take a bad, horrible day with 1 and then just double it and think that's how it will be with 2. It just doesn't feel that way, even when they're both grumpy. I don't know, does that make sense mooks? Plus you have another kid to stand there and make silly faces at the baby, go get blankets/bottles/pacis/toys/etc., give hugs, and all of this other little stuff that actually does help! Fiona was GRUMPY the other day and when she started crying Linus the little caregiver said "awwwwwwwww, c'mere Fiona, gimme kiss" and made her happy lol. It's just stuff like that that will ALWAYS make it worth it to me. There's zero way in my mind that the hard days outweigh the good days.
@smudgee - I'm also in the undecided boat, and some months back I even made a thread similar to this one. You know what I decided? Not a damn thing. I decided (which I guess means I just lied, lol) that I don't have to know the answer to this right away. I'm fairly certain I couldn't handle two young children at the same time, for a lot of the reasons you mention. My H isn't gone anywhere near as much as yours, but the days he works he leaves for work at 5:30am and gets home at 7:30 pm, so I know I would be doing most of the grunt work. I have no PPD diagnosis, but I have been struggling with anxiety a lot, and I'm very scared of how I'd be with another. My H and I agree that we aren't sure on if we'd like another or not, so we're waiting until we're sure. If we're sure we want another (like after Maggie starts preschool), then we'll go for it. If we're sure we are happy to be done with baby years forever, then bring on the snip-snip. Either way, we decided there's no good reason in the world we have to decide on this now (I say "good" because my DH feels he might be too old for another in the future, which I decided wasn't enough of a reason for me to decide before I was sure).
NOW, having said all that, ignore everything I said. Nothing I can say will help you, nothing anyone else can say will either. I'm normally not this much of a sappy person, but the answer HAS to come from your heart. (I swear to all that is holy that I just pictured a rainbow and heard a choir as I typed that!)
Big hugs to you, Smudgee!! Cut yourself a break and give yourself one less thing to stress on (hug)
We go back and forth on this a lot. We cannot afford a second child at this time, and we aren't sure how much we want to downscale our life. We still are not sure how severe G's delays are, and that will certainly influence our decision to have more children. Both H and I work and we love our jobs. If I am going to be working for the next 30 years it is important to me to keep moving up in my office. I don't know how a second child, especially in a few years, would fit into that.
Finally, I am an only child and I am happy with that. I never felt lonely or deprived. My parents are older and yes it does suck to worry about them getting sick, and eventually dying. But that would suck anyway. I am counting on my relationships with friends, relatives, and H to get me through those tough times in the future.
It's a personal decision and a difficult one, but not one that needs to be made right away.
Post by DesertMoon on Jul 31, 2013 14:42:03 GMT -5
I am one and done. I came to this decision because I know my limit and I know I cannot be a good mother to 2 kids. One is as much ask can handle. As much as I'd like to give Julian a sibling, I'd rather give him a focused attentive and energetic mother. I just don't want to push it.
Finally, I am an only child and I am happy with that. I never felt lonely or deprived. My parents are older and yes it does suck to worry about them getting sick, and eventually dying. But that would suck anyway. I am counting on my relationships with friends, relatives, and H to get me through those tough times in the future.
Thanks for this! I was starting to feel guilty that I might possibly be making my child destined for a lonely life of woe and misery, and guilt isn't a "good" reason either, lol.
Also, guys, for me having these two kids 17m apart is getting way easier than having only one. Edie is so active and just wants to PLAY PLAY PLAY and I have to do grown up things like cook dinner. I'm really happy that even at 16m, Adeline can be her buddy. And, thought they aren't garunteed to be BFFs, they will share a bond that no one else could possibly share with them. Not even me. Or their cousins. Or thier eventual partners if they find/choose to have them.
I know! I know I've said it before, but I almost feel guilty that it's so much easier in some ways now that there's 2. I mean, they still obviously need attention and do want me, but they play together a LOT. Built-in companions when it's too got or cold to go places. Even before she could/would play with him, just having the 2 in the room together made them happier when I would go do something. To me, it's not like you can take a bad, horrible day with 1 and then just double it and think that's how it will be with 2. It just doesn't feel that way, even when they're both grumpy. I don't know, does that make sense mooks? Plus you have another kid to stand there and make silly faces at the baby, go get blankets/bottles/pacis/toys/etc., give hugs, and all of this other little stuff that actually does help! Fiona was GRUMPY the other day and when she started crying Linus the little caregiver said "awwwwwwwww, c'mere Fiona, gimme kiss" and made her happy lol. It's just stuff like that that will ALWAYS make it worth it to me. There's zero way in my mind that the hard days outweigh the good days.
haha, I disagree. When both are having a bad day I want to take a long walk off a short pier I think it can multiply the awful. My mom will take one or the other kid sometimes and it is SOOOOO freaking easy with just one of them, and it doesn't matter who. This will not alter my decision to have 3 or 4 though. I think that is the true definition of crazy.
Post by twirlermom on Jul 31, 2013 16:24:36 GMT -5
It is definitely a hard choice. For me, ever since I was little I knew I wanted to be a mom and I wanted a big family. I absolutely love watching them interact with each other. DD1 was the first one to be able to get DD2 to smile/laugh. To this day, she laughs for her more than anyone else. I plan on having at least one more. I would love more, but that is up to finances when we get to that point.
I grew up with a sister, and I am the baby, so I don't know what it is like to live any other way. I dont think there is anything wrong no matter what you decide. You have plenty of time to make the decision.
I'm not one and done, but I think I obsessively worry about my kids being addicts. My parents are both drug addicts, my brother is a drug addict, my mom's father was a major alcoholic and died from it. My mom's sister just got out of rehab for alcohol addiction for the second time and her daughter (my cousin) drinks heavily but is on the denial stage that she has a problem. Addiction literally runs in my family! My sis and I have never been addicts of anything more than food (lol) and I just hope my kids can learn better behaviors and coping skills. I almost want to have two just in case one does become an addict, for backup! I think it would kill me if my only child became an addict and I lost them, too.
I wanted to say something like this even though it sounds really depressing and morbid. It's like "the heir and the spare"... you have more than one in case a worst case scenario happens.
Lol, it is kinda morbid! These thoughts probably have some biological root.
devonpow I never thought of it like that. ::tears::
Yeah, when I think that I'm one and done, stuff like that kills me. THere is no way financially we could do it, and then the fact that I'm almost 42, and DH is 50, I don't want to gamble the genetic dice. Technically, J has a half sister, but we see her very rarely.