Im SO torn

[Deleted]

Between being one and done and having one more. 

How do you make this decision?! 

That is all. 

[TrudyCampbell]

Lets see your pro/con list!

[bebeetmoi]

I agree with Trudy. I think every situation is so different and sometimes the pros vs. cons lists are helpful it getting it all out!

[devonpow]

We were one and done for a looong time. Then, intervening years made us forget the super hard first few years and we saw how fun age 4+ is. Plus I started thinking of the saying "don't think about the first 3 years of your child's life. Think about how many adult kids you see around the table at thanksgiving in 20 years" and we changed our minds. We are totally 2 and done, though. Our lifestyle is just not conducive to more.

[sunshineluv]

DH was pretty dang adament Henry needs a sibling, so that helped us. I get the appeal of one and done though!

My sister is my best friend, and I know having another child does not mean they will like each other (my brother and I barely talk). But I want to see Henry and how he interacts with a sibling, playing, having someone thing you are the coolest thing ever.

[dixeedeluxe]

My friend who is an only who is recently divorced with divorced parents always talks about how lonely she is now and how she will be really lonely when her parents die and she has to go through that alone.

[TrudyCampbell]

I want multiple kids for the reason Devon said- I want my Thanksgiving table to be full when I'm a little old lady

[Faevantastic]

I can see both sides of the argument but in the end, DH says Evan deserves to have a sibling.

[kemangel124]

Jul 31, 2013 10:50:46 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

My friend who is an only who is recently divorced with divorced parents always talks about how lonely she is now and how she will be really lonely when her parents die and she has to go through that alone.

My DH is an only child and this has been hard to explain to him since I am one of four.  I really want L to have a sibling so that she is not alone, and so that if for any reason my DH and I became unable to care for ourselves, that burden would not fall solely on her to care for us.  

[Faevantastic]

Jul 31, 2013 10:49:59 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

DH was pretty dang adament Henry needs a sibling, so that helped us. I get the appeal of one and done though!

My sister is my best friend, and I know having another child does not mean they will like each other (my brother and I barely talk). But I want to see Henry and how he interacts with a sibling, playing, having someone thing you are the coolest thing ever.

Haha, your DH sounds like my DH!

[puppylove64]

Jul 31, 2013 10:50:46 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

My friend who is an only who is recently divorced with divorced parents always talks about how lonely she is now and how she will be really lonely when her parents die and she has to go through that alone.

[irishsara]

I'm a believer in the saying "You never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have."

[TrudyCampbell]

Jul 31, 2013 10:55:21 GMT -5 @chelsmonster said:

If it is a $ issue, you can always save! I feel, it is more likely that someone will regret NOT having more kids, rather than saying, "man, I wish I hadn't had that other kid!" Lol, kwim?

This is how I always feel, too. At the end of the day I'm going to be happy I have the children and I'll never think "oh man, we could have done that African safari if only we never had so-and-so!"

[Deleted]

TrudyCampbell

Here is my reasons/ pro/con list.

-Im more or less an only child. I have a hald sister 11.5 years younger than me and we have never lived together, let alone in the same province. So I guess that is what I know. I know what it is like to be an only child.

-I have a really rough labour and have been battling PPD more than I have let on on this board. I have just recently been diagnosed with PTSD from having Wy. It has been a really tough struggle personally and I am afraid that it could be worsen from having #2

- I worry that if I had 2 boys, one would turn out like the drug addict loser like DH's brother.

- I was really lonely growing up. I grew up with a single mom around adults. I think it would be amazing for Wy to have that other little person around.

- Im doing it alone 3 weeks a month. I know there are tons of parents out there doing the same thing with more kids, but that scares the shit out of me!

And what if kid #2 isnt as laid back and awesome as Wy?!!!!!

[silverjm]

It's such an intensely personal decision, and depends so much on your personality, desires and way of living.

For me, I am a very internal person and I don't like large groups, crowds, and chaos. My DH and I rarely parent together because of our schedules and i would rather not be outnumbered on a daily basis. There were also financial considerations. So for us, it was an easy decision to stop at one.

Disclaimer: I do have an adult step-son who I helped raise so Logan will not technically be an only child, but will be essentially raised that way.

[nilex0102]

Jul 31, 2013 10:56:12 GMT -5 irishsara said:

I'm a believer in the saying "You never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have."

This exactly for me too. And you have time to change your mind until you feel secure in your decision. I am very happy with two and so glad for them that as opposed to me they will be able to share their crazy patents when they and us are older. But as Devon said our lifestyle is not conducive to more than two so we are definitely done at this point.

[muppetinma]

I'm in the same boat, my heterosexual canadian life partner. You have to think of all of it as a single mom. Think of the days when Wy is at his worst. Could you add an infant in on top of that? I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer - that's just how I think about it. I question my testicular fortitude to go through the rough patches with a second kid, but no husband or family as support. I do this because I have AWESOME days with Andrew that make me ready to throw my legs up in the air and try for another.

[sunshineluv]

Jul 31, 2013 11:02:56 GMT -5 @smudgee said:

TrudyCampbell

Here is my reasons/ pro/con list.

-Im more or less an only child. I have a hald sister 11.5 years younger than me and we have never lived together, let alone in the same province. So I guess that is what I know. I know what it is like to be an only child.

-I have a really rough labour and have been battling PPD more than I have let on on this board. I have just recently been diagnosed with PTSD from having Wy. It has been a really tough struggle personally and I am afraid that it could be worsen from having #2

- I worry that if I had 2 boys, one would turn out like the drug addict loser like DH's brother.

- I was really lonely growing up. I grew up with a single mom around adults. I think it would be amazing for Wy to have that other little person around.

- Im doing it alone 3 weeks a month. I know there are tons of parents out there doing the same thing with more kids, but that scares the shit out of me!

And what if kid #2 isnt as laid back and awesome as Wy?!!!!!

Not that it helps any at all, but I share a lot of your same fears.  The PPD returning, what if I raise a druggie, what if #2 is a colicly cranky annoying kid.  You have so much time to make such a big decision, maybe once Wy is a bit older the time keeping two by yourself won't seem as daunting?  Major props to you for taking care of Wy so much on your own, that is hard work!!

[kemangel124]

I am sorry to hear about your PPD and PTSD troubles. I am no expert on what a possible #2 would do to increase that, but I can say this: the other posters in this thread are correct in their thinking...you would never regret having a kid, but you may regret deciding to not have another. I didn't know that you are (essentially) an only child. My DH is and it is a continual struggle with me to talk to him about a sibling for L because he thinks that he is fine and is an only child, so L will be fine too. I stay with my previous comment of how should either DH or I become unable to care for ourselves in some way, I would not want the responsibility to fall solely on L's shoulders. I would hope that she has a sibling to "half" the burden with. Just my two cents....

[melis74]

I was an only child until my mom had my brother when I was 12 and was super jealous of people with siblings and always hoped to have multiple children. I was so glad that my siblings in TX(there are four) were so welcoming to me when I reached out to my Dad 13 years ago and we are so close now. I wish I didn't have to deal with IF and would have been able to start having babies earlier and I hope we come to the decision to transfer our last two embryos and soon-ish(and secretly hope they both take - don't tell my H, HA). Because I want those raucous, loving, sometimes drama-having big family dinners.

Good luck w/your decision and I agree a list is a great way to help you with it!

ETA: I just saw your response to Trudy and wanted to say that I'm sorry your dealing with PPD, I can see how that would be a big concern for you. Big hugs to you and kudos for lots of solo parenting!

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2013 11:07:53 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

I'm in the same boat, my heterosexual canadian life partner. You have to think of all of it as a single mom. Think of the days when Wy is at his worst. Could you add an infant in on top of that? I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer - that's just how I think about it. I question my testicular fortitude to go through the rough patches with a second kid, but no husband or family as support. I do this because I have AWESOME days with Andrew that make me ready to throw my legs up in the air and try for another.

THis is exactly it. There are days where I do throw my legs up in the air ready to have more, but then DH isnt in town, so there goes that idea! 

And what about my career? If I have one more, I give it up 110%. There is no way I could juggle 2 kids and a film career. Once again, I know that there are people that do, but I want to raise my child(ten) not have someone else do it. (Remember all you working people with 2+ kids... film is a MINIMUM 14 hour day and your start time differs each day). 

Muppet, are you guys one and done or are you going to have more mini Andrews?

[kemangel124]

Ok, one last comment for you to consider, the first couple of years will be ROUGH, yes, we all know that now, even with just the one. But you shouldn't make a decision like that based on a few early rough years. I feel like that is a drop in the bucket compared to the big picture of 20 years down the road and your Thanksgiving table...I love that thought devonpow!

I have similar fears, and a rough emergency c-section due to pre-e and then merconium, and then as an infant, colic...but I (stupidly) want another...desperately.  I don't want to "convince" my husband because I think he should feel this way on his own somehow.  

How does your DH feel?

[Deleted]

I think you can hear all the reasons in the world for/against more kids, but it is such personal decision, with so many personal factors that come into play. Finances, personal health - physical and mental, family stability are all factors that only you can assess.

For me: I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. Then I only wanted one. Now I want two.
It comes down to a FEELING that my family is not yet complete. I can rationalize and list and overthink the decision in either direction. I am giving more credence to that FEELING than any logical reasoning.

[muppetinma]

Jul 31, 2013 11:19:02 GMT -5 @smudgee said:

Jul 31, 2013 11:07:53 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

I'm in the same boat, my heterosexual canadian life partner. You have to think of all of it as a single mom. Think of the days when Wy is at his worst. Could you add an infant in on top of that? I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer - that's just how I think about it. I question my testicular fortitude to go through the rough patches with a second kid, but no husband or family as support. I do this because I have AWESOME days with Andrew that make me ready to throw my legs up in the air and try for another.

THis is exactly it. There are days where I do throw my legs up in the air ready to have more, but then DH isnt in town, so there goes that idea! 

And what about my career? If I have one more, I give it up 110%. There is no way I could juggle 2 kids and a film career. Once again, I know that there are people that do, but I want to raise my child(ten) not have someone else do it. (Remember all you working people with 2+ kids... film is a MINIMUM 14 hour day and your start time differs each day). 

Muppet, are you guys one and done or are you going to have more mini Andrews?

I had a bit of a breakdown the other night about the fact that my career in the arts, which I have been doing professionally for 19 years, is over.  DH just didn't get it.  He was holding out hope that someday I'd be able to return, but it just isn't going to happen.  When I do get calls now, I can't take them because DH is already working.  Those calls are going to stop coming in.  It's the inevitability at this point.  I think he's starting to realize this, but it's a work in progress.  

We are undecided on more mini-Andrews.  We have decided not to even attempt #2 in our townhouse.  It's just too small when we need to have dedicated office space, etc.  So once we can sell our house without taking a $100,000 hit, we'll readdress the idea of more mini-Muppets. 

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2013 11:19:05 GMT -5 kemangel124 said:

Ok, one last comment for you to consider, the first couple of years will be ROUGH, yes, we all know that now, even with just the one. But you shouldn't make a decision like that based on a few early rough years. I feel like that is a drop in the bucket compared to the big picture of 20 years down the road and your Thanksgiving table...I love that thought devonpow!

I have similar fears, and a rough emergency c-section due to pre-e and then merconium, and then as an infant, colic...but I (stupidly) want another...desperately.  I don't want to "convince" my husband because I think he should feel this way on his own somehow.  

How does your DH feel?

Oh he would love to have 10 more! lol. He has been really awesome and is Ok with whatever decision that I make though. 

[rubber pants]

Honestly I've gone back and forth on this so many times. I think the thing that solidified my one and done'ness (is this a word??) is the prospect and idea of being pregnant right now. AF is late 3-4 days. I was completely freaking out. Like legit panic attacks and not sleeping at night. I took a test this morning and it was negative. Now Im completely calm and will never have sex again. LOL

I had a revalation this morning that I am 100% ok with being one and done.

[biblionerd]

Jul 31, 2013 11:06:48 GMT -5 nilex0102 said:

Jul 31, 2013 10:56:12 GMT -5 irishsara said:

I'm a believer in the saying "You never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have."

This exactly for me too. And you have time to change your mind until you feel secure in your decision. I am very happy with two and so glad for them that as opposed to me they will be able to share their crazy patents when they and us are older. But as Devon said our lifestyle is not conducive to more than two so we are definitely done at this point.

this. I feel like I will never ever look back and regret the children I have, only those I didn't. Both of our moms wish they had had another and I just want to feel 100% done. After 1 I just didn't feel done. It just didn't feel right if that makes sense and we originally thought we would be 1 and done. See how much that changed lol.

[TrudyCampbell]

I struggle with whether to stop at 2 but it's mainly a financial concern. If I hit the lotto I'm having 5 kids! And 5 nannies.

[dixeedeluxe]

Also, guys, for me having these two kids 17m apart is getting way easier than having only one. Edie is so active and just wants to PLAY PLAY PLAY and I have to do grown up things like cook dinner. I'm really happy that even at 16m, Adeline can be her buddy. And, thought they aren't garunteed to be BFFs, they will share a bond that no one else could possibly share with them. Not even me. Or their cousins. Or thier eventual partners if they find/choose to have them.

[angiekay84]

I'm not one and done, but I think I obsessively worry about my kids being addicts. My parents are both drug addicts, my brother is a drug addict, my mom's father was a major alcoholic and died from it. My mom's sister just got out of rehab for alcohol addiction for the second time and her daughter (my cousin) drinks heavily but is on the denial stage that she has a problem. Addiction literally runs in my family! My sis and I have never been addicts of anything more than food (lol) and I just hope my kids can learn better behaviors and coping skills. I almost want to have two just in case one does become an addict, for backup! I think it would kill me if my only child became an addict and I lost them, too.