Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 17:41:37 GMT -5
I'm in a serious funk. Last night's plans were detailed by my friends so' s, and while I know these things happen, I'm kind of feeling like it may have been my fault for at least one of them.
Stbx still hasn't told any of his friend that I left. I think that they should hear it from him, not me, so although our circles of friends are intertwined, I've really left most of my friends in the dark too... I've only told 3 people outside of work. One of them is in a long term relationship with the best man from our wedding. It was her idea to go out, so I assumed that her bf was on board. Turns out, he wasn't and didn't want her to go because it puts him in a weird spot with stbx. Ok, no big deal, I get that, and I respect it, but it turned into a big fight between them. I know I can't take responsibility for their actions, but I feel bad that they got in a fight on my account...
I'm feeling really alone today. I'm still in my pjs, and the house is empty. Stbx is taking DS to visit his parents before bringing him back to me. I can't wait to see him (DS I mean), but I hate the fact that no one else is here and I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to because I don't want to cause problems for anyone.
It is completely not your fault that that couple got in a fight.
You STBX not telling people is another manipulation technique. He thinks if he keeps it a secret it will be easier for you to come back. I would let things come out naturally. Don't hide it but don't publicize it either. Secrets never stay secret.
Hugs.
Is there anything we can do to help besides just talking you through this craziness? Would you like to see River in his giant cone?
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 17:54:25 GMT -5
LOL Mel! I'd love to see him!
I just kind of figured that if he told his friends he'd have to admit that it's real... out of all the manipulation tactics he's tried to use, I totally missed that one.
I know it wasn't my fault, but maybe I shouldn't have involved her in the first place... I know she is glad I did, but I did kind of put them in an uncomfortable position by doing so...
Post by doctorchick on Aug 18, 2013 17:55:04 GMT -5
I'm here too! Each mutual friend will have to figure out whether they can maintain separate relationships with each of you or whether they're going to choose sides. It's not your fault, no matter which way they go. And definitely don't be afraid to reach out and let the others know. Just because stbx doesn't think it's important doesn't mean it isn't important to you.
Can you go get dressed in something that makes you feel pretty? Even if you're home alone, you deserve to feel good!
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 17:58:08 GMT -5
I could, but I don't want stbx think that I dressed up for him. That would be awkward... but I don't want to look like the bride of Frankenstein when they get here either, so I suppose getting dressed is a good idea.
I just kind of figured that if he told his friends he'd have to admit that it's real... out of all the manipulation tactics he's tried to use, I totally missed that one.
I know it wasn't my fault, but maybe I shouldn't have involved her in the first place... I know she is glad I did, but I did kind of put them in an uncomfortable position by doing so...
Post by wrathofkuus on Aug 18, 2013 18:32:56 GMT -5
Wait, her boyfriend said she couldn't hang out with you because he's friends with your stbx? Oh HELL no. That's some horseshit. Sounds like he's as much of a controlling ass as your stbx.
Starries, none of this is your fault. Not even a little. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And I agree with what Kuus said.
If you need a break, I'm only a 24-hour drive away.
But truly, you are so strong. You're allowed to wallow and freak out sometimes, and all it means is that you're human. You will get through this and it will get easier little by little.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 19:12:51 GMT -5
It's uncomfortable for them because that's where typically stbx would turn to for support. I guess her bf felt like it would be a betrayal to stbx. He said he wants to talk to stbx first but he's waiting for him to make that call... they have been friends since grade school.
I don't want anyone to feel like they need to choose sides in this, but they were his friends first. I guess I feel like it would be more appropriate for them to hear what's going on from him.
It's uncomfortable for them because that's where typically stbx would turn to for support. I guess her bf felt like it would be a betrayal to stbx. He said he wants to talk to stbx first but he's waiting for him to make that call... they have been friends since grade school.
I don't want anyone to feel like they need to choose sides in this, but they were his friends first. I guess I feel like it would be more appropriate for them to hear what's going on from him.
People will choose sides regardless of what you do. Don't try and control that by trying to make it so they don't have to choose sides.
You didn't put your friend in a bad situation with her boyfriend, and I doubt she's someone stbx would turn to for support unless he were trying to alienate you from your friends/support.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 19:40:54 GMT -5
Alright, I'm showered, dressed, painted my nails, and have fresh makeup on. I'm feeling much more human. And I found the perfect thing to wear, one of my strappy tank tops with blue jeans. I love them because they're comfy and relatively flattering, but h hated them. He called them slut shirts. It's so nice to be able to wear what I want and not worry about repercussions!
It's uncomfortable for them because that's where typically stbx would turn to for support. I guess her bf felt like it would be a betrayal to stbx. He said he wants to talk to stbx first but he's waiting for him to make that call... they have been friends since grade school.
I don't want anyone to feel like they need to choose sides in this, but they were his friends first. I guess I feel like it would be more appropriate for them to hear what's going on from him.
People will choose sides regardless of what you do. Don't try and control that by trying to make it so they don't have to choose sides.
You didn't put your friend in a bad situation with her boyfriend, and I doubt she's someone stbx would turn to for support unless he were trying to alienate you from your friends/support.
No he wouldn't call her specifically, but he would go to their house in the past when we'd fight sometimes to talk with her bf. Although he's done a pretty good job of making sure that all of our friends are connected. And I did a good job of letting him.
I thought last night was supposed to be girls' night?
Your friend is getting major side eye from me. This is not your fault and you should not feel the least bit guilty. You should feel like me, which is wtf?
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 20:45:33 GMT -5
She still wanted to go. But after witnessing the drama that it was causing, I decided not to. It's not worth it. There will be other weekends, other girls nights. I cancelled the plans, not her. It bummed me out though, I'm not going to lie.
Post by captainmel on Aug 18, 2013 20:52:43 GMT -5
I'll go out with you! We can wear our slut shirts (major wtf at "slut shirt".)
Your friends BF is weird and controlling.
Kuus is right.
Also, what color are your nails? I just did mine yesterday and I can tell I am getting excited for fall because I painted them a really dark, almost black, red.
Wait, her boyfriend said she couldn't hang out with you because he's friends with your stbx? Oh HELL no. That's some horseshit. Sounds like he's as much of a controlling ass as your stbx.
Post by wrathofkuus on Aug 18, 2013 23:05:22 GMT -5
That's what controllers do, they kick up such a fuss that their SOs decide that it's just not worth it. You know this guy just doesn't want her seeing your freedom and getting ideas.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 18, 2013 23:57:22 GMT -5
Yes that is very possible, kuus.
Mel, I love River in his cone! That definitely made me smile. My nails are a very light purple, although I myself up a couple of fingers when I had to move laundry.
However, all my whining and complaining were quickly forgotten when I saw DS running to give me a hug. I was so excited to see him home safe, with no extra drama, that the rest of the weekend was quickly forgotten.
And yes, dl, I fully expected to walk away from most of our mutual friends as well when I walked away from the marriage. having it thrown in my face like that was kind of sad.
However, all my whining and complaining were quickly forgotten when I saw DS running to give me a hug. I was so excited to see him home safe, with no extra drama, that the rest of the weekend was quickly forgotten.
Thank goodness! So glad that this part happened smoothly and uneventfully!
Mel, I love River in his cone! That definitely made me smile. My nails are a very light purple, although I myself up a couple of fingers when I had to move laundry.
However, all my whining and complaining were quickly forgotten when I saw DS running to give me a hug. I was so excited to see him home safe, with no extra drama, that the rest of the weekend was quickly forgotten.
And yes, dl, I fully expected to walk away from most of our mutual friends as well when I walked away from the marriage. having it thrown in my face like that was kind of sad.
It's sad, but trust me, the more you surround yourself with people who love and respect you, the better life will get for you and your son. I promise.