apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
Post by pantsparty on Sept 25, 2013 1:32:30 GMT -5
I'm really sorry It sounds like you know the right thing to do. Surely even if your family is not initially supportive, you have a friend that could help you to cancel vendors/get the word out. (((midnightrae)))
I called off a wedding with about 6 weeks to go because he had been cheating on me. We broke up for a while, then got counseling and ended up getting back together, and eventually got married a few years later. (This is my late husband, not m current husband). My family was supportive of the whole thing. We lost a lot of money canceling the wedding.
Have you tried counseling? Have you thought about postponing things? You say he's acting "weird" but I'm not sure what that means. I would definitely say to follow your heart on this one...just remember that postponing (even indefinitely postponing) could be an option. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. But if you feel that your relationship is over, then...well...it's probably over.
Post by crashgizmo on Sept 25, 2013 2:20:06 GMT -5
Hugs to you.
I didn't call off a wedding, but my experience was similar to LShoes. I knew it wasn't right, but fought off the feelings and planned my wedding day. Before I walked down the aisle, my dad looked at me and said "You don't have to do this, if you don't want to." He had tears in his eyes for the first time I had ever seen in my life, and I knew it wasn't from joy. Alas, I married my ExH and had a miserable 2 years of marriage to the wrong person.
I never regretted getting a divorce. So I hope you can get over the regret to cancel a wedding- it's definitely easier. Good luck and more hugs!
Post by mrsukyankee on Sept 25, 2013 4:51:02 GMT -5
So sorry. What I said to my ex-Fi: Can I say a few things to you without you interrupting me? And then I'll let you talk all you want. I'm not happy. You're not happy. We're fighting about stupid things. I don't think this is a great start to a wonderful marriage. I love you but right now I can't see myself married to you as it's not working. We need to call off the wedding and not make other plans until we both know it's right to get married.
It was the hardest conversation I ever had to have but also the most honest one I had with him. And he felt the same way. His parents hated me, but that was okay as they needed someone to be angry with (and not their precious boy...yes, the mommy's boy issue was part of it). My parents were fine as they weren't sure about our relationship anyway. And my friends were totally supportive as they thought he was a jerk (which he was but I couldn't see it).
We ended up breaking things off within a month after that due to the fact that he was cheating on me, but I had friends who went into counselling which helped them work through their issues and they got married a year later (and are still married 10 years later).
I was maid of honor in a wedding that *almost* go called off. We all knew they shouldn't get married. The bride was having an absolute panic attack before the ceremony. She was actually clawing at us before her dad dragged her down the aisle. We were in the bathroom before telling her its ok. We can cancel. She doesn't have to do it. But I think she was just to scared. It was the most awkward wedding. The pastor kept having to ask them to stand closer together. At one point someone brought a trash can up bc she was going to barf. She didn't talk to us much after that. It was really sad. They were married 6 years and she was miserable for all of them.
There are few things in life that are harder to live with then a miserable/loveless marriage. Everyone deserves to be with someone that makes them happy. There is no shame in making a choice that makes you happy.
None of my friends have called off a wedding, but one really wanted to. I don't know if her family would have supported her decision, but they didn't support the divorce. They were divorced in less than a year. Calling off a wedding is so much easier than a divorce.
If you're not sure, please postpone or cancel. A wedding doesn't make things better. A lot of times, it can make them worse.
Post by Saint Monica on Sept 25, 2013 6:49:46 GMT -5
I called off an engagement.
How close/far away was your wedding? It was about 10-11 months before when we wanted to get married.
Did you family support you in this? They were sad (they really liked him) but they did not want me to get married if it wasn't right.
Do you feel like you made a mistake?/Do you regret it? It was the right thing to do. I felt sad I hurt his feelings.
What made it easier to deal with? Time. Knowing I would't have to be married to someone who I ultimately 'knew' it wouldnt work out with.
What was the hardest part? It sucks. It hurts. Even though it was the right thing it blew hairy goats. He got really mad and took his stuff and some of mine leaving me with like nothing.
Anything else you feel like adding? Yes: 1. OMG DONT GET MARRIED UNLESS YOU ARE 1,000,000,000 percent sure times infinity. 2. Also after a whilemy ex-fi and I started talking again. He realized it was the right thing too. We get along to this day. We call eachother on each's respective birthday and Christmas. We have dinner about once a year. 3. Please don't get married if you have even a hint of doubt. Fuck any one who would give you grief. 4. Remember a marriage license is about $40.00. An average divorce retainer is $2,500.00. It is way easier to get in than out. *5.* Calling off an engagement/wedding is NOT a reflection on you, on your FI, or on you & your fi as a couple. It is NOT evidence of a failing.
How close/far away was your wedding? It was about 10-11 months before when we wanted to get married.
Did you family support you in this? They were sad (they really liked him) but they did not want me to get married if it wasn't right.
Do you feel like you made a mistake?/Do you regret it? It was the right thing to do. I felt sad I hurt his feelings.
What made it easier to deal with? Time. Knowing I would't have to be married to someone who I ultimately 'knew' it wouldnt work out with.
What was the hardest part? It sucks. It hurts. Even though it was the right thing it blew hairy goats. He got really mad and took his stuff and some of mine leaving me with like nothing.
Anything else you feel like adding? Yes: 1. OMG DONT GET MARRIED UNLESS YOU ARE 1,000,000,000 percent sure times infinity. 2. Also after a whilemy ex-fi and I started talking again. He realized it was the right thing too. We get along to this day. We call eachother on each's respective birthday and Christmas. We have dinner about once a year. 3. Please don't get married if you have even a hint of doubt. Fuck any one who would give you grief. 4. Remember a marriage license is about $40.00. An average divorce retainer is $2,500.00. It is way easier to get in than out. *5.* Calling off an engagement/wedding is NOT a reflection on you, on your FI, or on you & your fi as a couple. It is NOT evidence of a failing.
Might I add that is a very basic non contested retainer. If there are any disputes, it could be much more.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
I wish I had listened to my gut and called off my first wedding. I knew we shouldn't get married, I called my mom crying and she was telling me it was just jitters and normal...It was 4 miserable years before I managed to just pull the trigger and get a divorce. But I was scared since we were having a destination wedding and people had paid to go out there and I felt I had to go through with it.
I'm sorry your are going through this, but it might not hurt to postpone. I have a coworker who has postponed/called off their engagement until they get things worked out.
My H called off an engagement and also had a failed marriage, I think he knew deep down it wasn't right, but it was that "well I'm getting to that age, it's time to settle down, start a family etc" and so he ignored all the warnings and red flags and it didn't last a year and it really was hard on him.
I don't have any experience but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I very much believe you should follow your gut & do what you need to do for your own happiness rather than worry about others in a case like this. It isn't them who end up married to someone they don't want to be married to.
You ok, midnight? I'm hoping this doesn't happen to you. I can look back after 28 years and ha ha laugh ha ha but damn it hurt at the time.
I'm thinking of calling off my wedding. I'm 40 days out. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with it. I'm scared. But I know marriage isn't going to fix our problems. Fi has been acting really weird lately and our arguments have gotten even more ridiculous. I have a feeling my family isn't going to be supportive. I don't want FI or his family to hate me, but I know they probably will. I still love FI, but.. there is so much I want to do and I feel like I can't and won't. Something feels off. There is still part of me that thinks that maybe it can work. But I kind of doubt it at this point. I will be broke if I go through with this and it will be hard finding a place to live. My guy friend, L said I can stay with him, but he lives about an hour away(without traffic) from both of my jobs, which means I will be getting even less sleep than normal.
There is NO problem marriage can fix. I wish I would have called off my first wedding. I've been through a lot of miserable things in my life and I can tell you that nothing - NOTHING - has been as bad, lonely, or sickening as being in a bad marriage. Call it off.
I have not, but I did drive the getaway car when one of my best friends decided the day of that she couldn't do it. I'm talking gown on, veil on, literally minutes away from walking down the aisle.
Her family/rest of her friends were all agog and couldn't believe she could do that but I hushed them up and told her it was HER decision because SHE was the one marrying him, not them.
To this day, she tells me she will love me forever for helping her have the courage to walk away even though it was the 11th hour. She is happily married with kids and regrets NOTHING.
OP, I will tell you the same thing I told her then "Sweetie, if you have even ONE doubt in your head or your heart, DO.NOT.DO.THIS."
Life is far too short to settle for a fixer-upper marriage. And trust, marriage will not FIX anything - it will only put that much pressure on you to make things work when they weren't meant to work in the first place and it will be a nightmare to get a divorce vs walking away NOW before the ties that bind you to this man are legal.
I sure wish that I had. Instead, I got married and had a beautiful wedding-- and then he asked for a divorce after about 6 months. He had been cheating on me the whole time and moved his pregnant mistress into our house 2 days after I moved out.
It would've been a million billion times better to have called off the wedding, even though the divorce was inexpensive because we did it on our own.
Edit: A few more things. I'd imagine it will SUCK to have to tell people that you're calling off the wedding. But I'll tell you what, it probably sucks more having to tell people that you're getting divorced. That is one awkward fucking conversation.
If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. And there is not a thing wrong with it. I don't think there's anyone who has regretted calling off a wedding or pushing it back, but there are plenty of people who regret going through with it.
How close/far away was your wedding? less than a month. about 3 weeks I guess. We had already had a shower, so we had to return all the gifts, which was a pain.
Did you family support you in this? YES
Do you feel like you made a mistake?/Do you regret it? It was the best decision. We were young. Like 21ish. His family started out really sweet and then his mom got all crazy and it was strained and dramatic. I actually met DH like a month later at a pool hall. (we were friends for years before dating). I facebook stalked the ex a year or so ago and he just recently got married. We both waited over 10 years to get married. I think we both ended up being pretty happy.
What made it easier to deal with? A clean break. I still can't believe how level-headed I was considering I was crying my eyeballs out. I printed the documents to get him off my checking account, I gathered the gifts from his relatives into a pile, and I piled up his belongings and asked my dad to be home the next day so he could pick them up. I ran into him one other time, but otherwise, I never saw him again. That made it MUCH easier.
What was the hardest part? The embarrassment of telling everyone 3 weeks out. I felt stupid. But everyone else thought I was very brave and smart.
Post by margarita on Sept 25, 2013 11:12:22 GMT -5
I haven`t, but my SIL has. They were going to have a civil ceremony, followed by a church ceremony and reception months later. She called it off about two weeks before the civil ceremony and three or four months before the big church wedding.
She has never regretted it. I remember her saying that one of the toughest things about it was that her family was not supportive. At one point she had a fight with her dad where he said he was cutting her out of his will. Eeeee. Yeah, it was not good. She was also very close with her X-FI`s mom, so losing that relationship was hard. But had she gone ahead and married him, her life would have turned out so differently. She was not happy, so calling it off was 100% the right thing to do, and her parents eventually accepted that.
Post by marshmallowmars on Sept 25, 2013 12:24:36 GMT -5
I haven't but my best friend almost did. We were all at the rehearsal dinner the night before and she was super late. Her mom pulled me aside and asked me to go over to her apartment to talk to her. I got there and she was crying, saying she didn't like the outfit she picked out, couldn't find anything to wear, etc. I asked her if this was really about the clothes, or did she not really want to get married. I supported her, told her I would handle everything if she didn't want to go through with it, etc. She bucked up, put on jeans and a blouse and went to the rehearsal and put on a happy face. The next day at the wedding, she burst into tears when she put on her dress. And it was not happy tears. She said she hated the dress, made her look fat, etc. But she still went through with the wedding. They are still married 3 years later, but I don't think she is very happy. If something just doesn't feel right, it's probably not!
Post by leshoequeen on Sept 25, 2013 14:14:50 GMT -5
How close/far away was your wedding? A year before the wedding. The planning was in full swing.
Did you family support you in this? Not really at the time. My parents loved my FI and thought I was making a mistake.
Do you feel like you made a mistake?/Do you regret it? At the time, I knew deep down I was doing the right thing, but since most of my family & friends didn't support me I thought I was making a huge mistake. Now I hear things about him every now and then from friends and I know without a doubt that I made the right choice.
What made it easier to deal with? Time heals all wounds...that's the only thing I can say that made it better. Also, we talked and dragged out the breakup for probably six months to a year after the fact and that made everything really difficult. I also totally freaked out when he started dating someone seriously and thought I majorly screwed up. Interestingly though, his second engagement also ended.
What was the hardest part? Explaining myself to everyone. I just didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and everyone I knew was looking for a "reason" like someone cheated or some awful thing and there was nothing like that to tell. We just weren't right for each other and that was the bottom line. People just did not get that.
ETA: I am happily married with two children now. Things definitely worked out just fine for me. Hugs to you. I would be more than glad to talk via pm or email.
Post by midnightrae on Sept 25, 2013 18:23:02 GMT -5
I just wanted to update everyone. I talked to FI about all of the issues and I think things are going to work. I'm feeling much better about the wedding. Although, if things don't change I'm not going to hesitate to call it off. Thanks for the advice and support.
I just wanted to update everyone. I talked to FI about all of the issues and I think things are going to work. I'm feeling much better about the wedding. Although, if things don't change I'm not going to hesitate to call it off. Thanks for the advice and support.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Is there any reason why you can't postpone the wedding? If you have issues that are big enough to consider canceling a wedding, you need to work them out before you get married.
Your fiance might have made promises, but you need to see him fulfill those promises before the wedding. The Same thing applies if you made promises. Postpone the wedding, then if things are great in a year, get married.
I bet a lot of your vendors would allow you to change the date without loosing too much money.
I just wanted to update everyone. I talked to FI about all of the issues and I think things are going to work. I'm feeling much better about the wedding. Although, if things don't change I'm not going to hesitate to call it off. Thanks for the advice and support.
What changed after you spoke with him?
Our talk lasted for a few hours last night and most of this morning. We really need to work on our communicating and that is where a lot of the issues are. Also, I'm going to start going to therapy again and that should help relieve a lot of my issues. We both work a lot, so we made a plan for spending time together and talking about things. We also are planning to do more things of what the other person wants to do and alternate, so it isn't everything just one person wants to do. We talked about moving to another state and are planning to figure out the cost of living change and what we need to make it affordable in another state and will hopefully move within the next year. Whenever we move, I will be applying for this chocolatier class and pastry arts school in CA (if we decide to move there). People asking me all the time if I am sure or if I am nervous or worried didn't help. It just made me second guess my decision. I didn't talk to FI about that and I just let it build up.
Post by Saint Monica on Sept 25, 2013 19:02:46 GMT -5
Listen, I don't bust this out that often. I'm absolutely sure you should postpone. This should change your mind and course of action because I'm so rarely ever absolutely certain that when I am , I know.im right and I am.
Never doubt me when I'm like this. I shit you not. It's fucking eerie how spot on I am when I am this certain.
I'm trying to say this nicely, because you do seem like a very sweet person.
One conversation will not erase months of doubt. One conversation - even if it is several hours long - does not fix everything. Not to the point where you should continue to walk down the aisle.
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 25, 2013 19:09:34 GMT -5
Ok...I'm not sure this will make a difference, but if people asking if you're nervous or worried can make you second guess your decision to marry someone, then there's probably an actual, legit reason that is giving you pause.
People who are happy and secure in their relationships dont have these doubts about getting married. They just dont. I've been there. Believe me. You dont want to trust yourself because it's scary, but you should definitely trust your gut.
I'm trying to say this nicely, because you do seem like a very sweet person.
One conversation will not erase months of doubt. One conversation - even if it is several hours long - does not fix everything. Not to the point where you should continue to walk down the aisle.
yes. Particularly when the totality of your conversation was change. You change your issues in therapy. You two move and change everything about your lives. You both change your communication styles. You go to school. Change, change and more change. And allll of this change can be great. But all of it shouldn't overturn a gut, months-long feeling. Didn't you say he was weird? Is he going to therapy to fix his weirdness issues?
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 25, 2013 19:14:58 GMT -5
Also? People are asking if you're sure, or nervous, or worried because they think you have a reason to be. You AREN'T sure. You ARE nervous and worried. You have big doubts. FOR A REASON. Please, at least consider postponing.