Want to give me friend advice?

[snipsnsnails]

I don't know if anyone remembers, but my friendship with a very close friend kind of imploded last year as a result of some professional issues I had with her DH. We have a ton of mutual friends and we haven't been nasty to each other at all, but we're definitely not friends like we used to be and there is just a ton of unresolved stuff.

Now, a great mutual friend is throwing a birthday party for her. I got an invite for it today. I have no idea if the friend put together the invite list or if the former friend provided her names and I don't know any good way to ask. Do I just claim I have other plans and skip altogether? Do I go? Do I talk to the hostess even though I have gone over a year trying to involve mutual friends as little as possible?

My worry is that the former BFF is the one who included me and by my not going even if I came up with a lame excuse, she will see it as a slight, you know? Like this is just a civil olive branch type thing and I'm rejecting it. My equal worry is that the hostess naturally included me and the former friend is oblivious until I show up.

This is tres high school, yeah? :^) I know, I know, but help me anyway?

[WOT?*]

Talk with mutual friend to see where the invite list came from. Maybe former BFF is extending an olive branch? Maybe inviter isn't familiar with the backstory? You won't know if you don't ask.

[Deleted]

Can you decline the invite, assuming you'd rather not go, and send a nice gift instead? If it's out at a restaurant, arrange with the owner to pre-buy a bottle (or howmanyever) of champagne for a toast?

[Deleted]

I would just go to the party and have fun. I wouldn't over think it.

[DotAndBuzz]

I'd try to casually bring it up to the hostess. HOW exactly, I don't know, maybe "oh, that was so nice of you to invite me. Is ExBFF helping a lot with the party and invites, or do you need more help?" Or something sort of like that but not so awkward and obvious.

I guess the more important question is do you WANT to reconnect with this former friend or not?

[sparkythelawyer]

I would legit make up new plans.  Like, pick that day to go on a day trip with the family somewhere.  It ain't a lie if you really have something else going on!

[jaycee]

The bday girl will be overwhelmed and be the center of attention so you won't need to spend all that much time with her anyway. I'd go and enjoy time with your mutual friends. It's ready to overthink stuff like this.

[jaycee]

The bday girl will be overwhelmed and be the center of attention so you won't need to spend all that much time with her anyway. I'd go and enjoy time with your mutual friends. It's east to overthink stuff like this.

[jaycee]

Another duplicate post - sorry

[Kristinmo]

If you want to rekindle the friendship then go. If you don't want to be friends anymore then don't go.

If things are uncomfortable you can always leave.

[lola]

I can't remember - did you and former BFF ever have a conversation about what happened, or did you just let the friendship slide after it all went down?

If you did have a conversation and you're interested in being "Friendly" with her but not as close then I agree with the suggestion to not go and just send a gift. Maybe even email Former-BFF and say, "Thanks for the invite, unfortunately we can't attend. Hope you have a great time." And then of course RSVP to the hostess.

If you haven't really talked to your Former-BFF and you're not really interested in being friends outside of social events where you might be together for the sake of somebody else, I'd just RSVP to the hostess that you can't make it.

Don't make up an excuse. It is totally acceptable to just say, "I can't be there, but I hope you have a great time/party!"

[snipsnsnails]

MKE- yeah, we came to an understanding that our friendship was pretty much finito. I *think* we're both ok with that now? She was the one that wasn't ok with it at certain points over the past year, but I think we're at a good spot now...which is why I am overthinking this now. I don't want to fumble it, you know?

[lola]

Yeah, given that you've already established that it's probably over I vote for just declining to the hostess.

[mushmouse]

I would ask the hostess. I think trying to avoid a possibly awkward situation is different than putting someone in the middle or asking friends to take sides. I'd say something like 'we haven't been close lately and I'm wondering if inviting me was her idea'. Just leave out the gory details and I think asking is fine.

[angelaa73]

Snips do you want a relationship?

[lime]

Given your update, I would also just politely decline.

[snipsnsnails]

@angelaa - I don't ever want a friendship with her DH ever again, so I think that means no friendship with her either. Right?

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2013 14:49:36 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

@angelaa - I don't ever want a friendship with her DH ever again, so I think that means no friendship with her either. Right?

You have your answer, decline the invite.

[SKP82]

Sept 30, 2013 14:36:22 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I'd decline, and send an impersonal gift. Bottle of champagne, a coffee table book, that kind of thing.

Yep, this.  Especially since you don't want anything to do with her H.  He will most likely be there, right?

[ECB]

Is this a milestone birthday? Where "everyone" is being invited? Even if it's not, I'm wondering if SHE did include you but only in the same vein as you - not trying to make a point among mutual friends that you all really aren't friends anymore. She may have included you just to be civil, not to extend an olive branch.

Personally, I'd decline. If she REALLY is interested in rekindling a friendship, she needs to find another way to do it. A big group birthday where her DH (who your real issue is with) would be an odd place to do this anyhow. Which makes me think that isn't whats going on.

[angelaa73]

Oh. Sounds bad. Really bad. If one of my bff's husband screwed me over biz wise, it would take a long long time to get over it. You're not ready. And she knows what she married...

[murdock]

If you don't want to give her anything to open the door with, decline.

I wouldn't be concerned with who invited you. Ugh, easier said than done though.

[snipsnsnails]

Wait, huh? @booby - you just missed it! I've spilled the good, the bad and the ugly all here last summer when I was getting the unceremonious boot! I'll rehash later when I'm not on my phone for yous.

[sergey]

I might be in the minority here but I'd think about whether or not I wanted to go to the party outside of the friend situation. Will other people be there you want to hang out with? Would it otherwise be a fun time? If so, I'd go and if not, I'd skip and see what happened either way.

[snipsnsnails]

So, @booby , this will either be entirely cathartic or I'll turn into a bitter hag telling this story.

Six years ago, the male part of our BFFs approached me and asked if I would be willing to leave my career in NYC and come to work for his non-profit organization. He needed my communication/PR skills for this organization, but obviously didn't have the $$$ that I was bringing in w/my Manhattan gig. After much consideration with my DH because we both believed in the organization and this was our best friend, we decided to take a 92% paycut and leave my job to go to work for this org where he would be my boss. We told him the money was ok, we needed a minimal amount to be able to cover a home that we would buy to set down roots in the town we were all in. Everything was agreed to and my DH was present for all conversations, as was his wife. At the time, I didn't sign an employment contract b/c we were best friends. We had long conversations about building the organization together and working together for the next 40 years. (This is the point in the story that is foreshadowing!).

Fast forward to my start date and he comes to me to again say that my project area would be A - it fit my skill set and was the natural understanding for what my job would be. It was the job he wooed me for, the job I'd been doing in the entertainment industry and what I needed to do for the org. He then mentioned there was a project area B that needed coverage and even though it wasn't my area at all - not even slightly related, he knew I was a hard worker so could I handle it temporarily and then we'd hire on someone else. I agreed.

Four years in and Project Area B became a behemoth. It took all of my time and energy. I had no time for A which is what I was hired for. Oh yeah, I was still working for peanuts. Necessary peanuts for our mortgage, but peanuts nonetheless.

I sought advice on ML about approaching him about cutting back on B and getting an exit strategy in place so I could go back to my skill set and work on Project A, the job I was hired for. Everyone agreed here and IRL that I should talk with him. (Except Laptop, she advised to keep my head down b/c it would spell the end for me-ha)

I approached him at the start of 2012 and he enthusiastically agreed on an exit strategy to be implemented by September 1st for Project B, so I could finally work full-time on Area A. Radio silence for a few months. He started acting more suspicious - keeping board meeting minutes secretive. Dressing me down in front of other superiors for no reason. Starting to ask more questions about budgeting. Picking fights with me during all-staff meetings. Weird stuff.

Fast forward to July 2012. He met with the board and told them I was resigning from all positions immediately. Next day he brought me into his office and told me I was being phased out completely. He'd hired on 2 new people to do my role and I could be paid for the next 2 weeks, but that was it. Hi and bye. I told him we needed my paycheck for our mortgage. Sorry, snips, you're out.

I was shocked. I had submitted my updated job description just 3 weeks before to him at his request so he could "have it on file" for when I started my updated position over Area A only on September 1st. He assured me that everything was a-ok. It wasn't until after the fact that I learned he went to our board and told them I was resigning and they needed to approve the resignation so I could focus on being at home more. Oh yeah, did I mention he knew I was 5 months pregnant at the time through his wife, but the board members didn't know and he didn't tell them he was laying off a pregnant lady?

I met with several board members over the next several months and they arranged a mediation meeting with my former boss. We met in the meeting and he told me I was a liar. To my face. He said that the hiring was always for Area B and when I said I needed an exit strategy for this, I should've known it meant the end of my employment. I told him he was a liar and I had various people that would vouch for me - both that heard the hiring conversations and over the years as we worked together. The board processed all of this formally and met together.

The board apologized and wanted to know if I would consider taking the position again and work on our professional relationship. I told them I wanted nothing to do with the boss. I didn't trust him and his leadership was awful. They didn't want to remove him from the position.

We went through a loooong year of righting ourself financially - mainly because of the home we purchased upon the hiring and, uhh, having a newborn. And through it all, nothing from his wife - my former BFF. No sorry you were laid off. Sorry my DH sabotaged you and your livelihood. No how can I help. Nada. I know she was in an impossible situation, but something would've helped.

Ok. This is long and somewhat bitter. I have had no additional interaction with the former boss and minimal interaction with his wife. This wasn't just a job; DH and I have invested tens of thousands of dollars into this organization, we've volunteered manpower and thousands of hours over the past decade and it all ended abruptly with no warning, no severance, no how will this affect your family. Just see ya. And for that, I am bitter. Getting over it, but still hurt.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't go or send a gift at all.

[snipsnsnails]

Thanks, all. And feel free to skip the novella in the middle. It's just my ranting and I'll DD later. Definitely don't need it to advise! Ha!

[Deleted]

Damn. Well of course you shouldn't go to this party. Unless it's to burn the venue to the ground.

[Moe]

FUUUUUUCK them.

I bet God would say it better, but until then, fuck them in the ass without lube.

[TemperanceBrennan]

I must have missed this when you were going through it. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I would not go to her party. Olive branch or not. If she wants to give you an olive branch, it needs to be bigger than an invite to a birthday party.