We're in the once a month camp. "Lazy and prefers oral" would also describe H, so we fool around more often than that but don't have sex all that much. I'd like it more and we are working on it, but it's been this way for a long time now.
You are the first person I've ever had this in common with.
I'm sorry it's not something more fun.
Well, it's not something I'd tell anyone IRL! H says sex just doesn't feel that great, which is frustrating because sometimes oral just doesn't cut it. We're trying to work intercourse into our repertoire as something other than the end game so that we can both get what we want without it being a big ordeal.
You are the first person I've ever had this in common with.
I'm sorry it's not something more fun.
Well, it's not something I'd tell anyone IRL! H says sex just doesn't feel that great, which is frustrating because sometimes oral just doesn't cut it. We're trying to work intercourse into our repertoire as something other than the end game so that we can both get what we want without it being a big ordeal.
I hate that I feel like he's doing me a favor when we have actual sex. I'm too young to be pity fucked!
10 years together A few times a month on average When we actually do it usually we get in the mood to have sex the days following the initial sex. So we must enjoy it, it is just too easy to get lazy. I've read on here people having "luck" scheduling sex and sex begets more sex and I think it is true. I am still not motivated enough to do so and I think my H would find scheduled sex a turnoff for some reason even though I know he wants it more.
Well, it's not something I'd tell anyone IRL! H says sex just doesn't feel that great, which is frustrating because sometimes oral just doesn't cut it. We're trying to work intercourse into our repertoire as something other than the end game so that we can both get what we want without it being a big ordeal.
I hate that I feel like he's doing me a favor when we have actual sex. I'm too young to be pity fucked!
Lol, we had this conversation just a couple of weeks ago! It really doesn't feel great to have to beg for it
Together almost 11 years, married for 3.5, baby for the last 2
We had sex all the time when we first started dating- you know, cause I was 16. It dropped as we got older, and before baby it was maybe 1-2x a week. Maybe. He's drive is insane. He could do it multiple times a day, every day. And he's still so ridiculously attracted to me that it makes me feel like an asshole that while I love him and think he's hot- I'm just not 16 anymore! I don't know.
Since the baby? We are now- 2 years later- getting back on a maybe 1x week schedule. And it still hurts. We didn't really have sex at all (maybe 3-5 times?) for the first year and a half of Ollie's life. Lots of bjs, but sex was so fucking painful that I literally couldn't do it. He's been really sweet and patient about it.
Together almost 11 years, married for 3.5, baby for the last 2
We had sex all the time when we first started dating- you know, cause I was 16. It dropped as we got older, and before baby it was maybe 1-2x a week. Maybe. He's drive is insane. He could do it multiple times a day, every day. And he's still so ridiculously attracted to me that it makes me feel like an asshole that while I love him and think he's hot- I'm just not 16 anymore! I don't know.
Since the baby? We are now- 2 years later- getting back on a maybe 1x week schedule. And it still hurts. We didn't really have sex at all (maybe 3-5 times?) for the first year and a half of Ollie's life. Lots of bjs, but sex was so fucking painful that I literally couldn't do it. He's been really sweet and patient about it.
Dude. I get you. Sometimes I am just like "This is not all new and exciting anymore! It's gonna take some more work!". I hope we are just normal.
I said this in a sex thread a couple of years ago and stpete quoted it, started a new thread and asked "is this how you feel, too??" To which everyone said "uhhhh, hell no!" I felt so exposed. Glad I'm not alone.
Not alone. This is very true for me too. I am much better in bed at the beginning of a relationship, when it's like a "performance" almost. With H, I get really uptight.
I'm mostly a lurker here, but I just want you ladies to know that I feel this way, too. Solidarity!
Were you newish? A person can state straight-up fact and be new and people will be all, 'I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.'
Not really, no. I do think it was a late night on Saturday and a lot of people were drinking, lol. There was a lot of "I'm a total whore in the bedroom for my H!" Maybe it was a pissing contest? IDK.
so, kore et al - i'm just trying to understand. it' s not that your H refuses intercourse (or maybe sometimes he does?) it's that you know he doesn't enjoy it so you get to a point where you don't even initiate intercourse and then he doesn't either?
H says his libido has gone way down. For me, knowing that he's really not that into it is a HUGE turnoff and disappointment. It's like I'm desperate to get some and then I think about him not really wanting to and it ruins it. We still do it, but it's an effort. Me nagging doesn't help, but if I said nothing I have no idea how often we would bang. Maybe once a month if left up to him? It makes me feel like crap and that's why it feels like he is giving me pity fucks. Because apparently he just doesn't really need it that much any more. I don't know if this is an age thing, a him thing or an us thing. But it sucks.
so, kore et al - i'm just trying to understand. it' s not that your H refuses intercourse (or maybe sometimes he does?) it's that you know he doesn't enjoy it so you get to a point where you don't even initiate intercourse and then he doesn't either?
Kinda. He hasn't said he doesn't enjoy it, but I know he prefers BJs. It was a gradual transition into the current fucked state. We used to be everydayers. A combo of depression/anxiety, age, weight gain, & meds have all played a role. But the longer we'd go without, the harder it was to have non-awkward sex. Like we have to be drunk or stoned before I'll even try, because I know it's going to be awkward & turn me off/make me sad.
Or, when I do try to advance it to intercourse, he'll make an excuse. It's often laziness, I think.
I know I'm making him sound horrible. He's really not. This is just a weird sitch.
so, kore et al - i'm just trying to understand. it' s not that your H refuses intercourse (or maybe sometimes he does?) it's that you know he doesn't enjoy it so you get to a point where you don't even initiate intercourse and then he doesn't either?
H says his libido has gone way down. For me, knowing that he's really not that into it is a HUGE turnoff and disappointment. It's like I'm desperate to get some and then I think about him not really wanting to and it ruins it.
Ugh. Exactly this. It's a HUGE turn off. So if I get even the slightest hesitation from him, it's over.
well, i'm sorry you ladies are in that sitch. and kore - you do not sound bitchy at all. i appreciate all of you being so frank and honest about it.
Yeah it's embarrassing for me to admit because it feels like it's about me. Not being attractive enough or something. Don't know if others feel that way, but it just feels humiliating in this post baby body to feel rejected as a lover. : (
Our sex lives varies...before kids 2-3x a week. We like morning sex, so our son pretty much wrecked that. Since our son, on average 1x a week with the exception of this pregnancy. I can count on one hand the times we have had sex during my pregnancy. The good news is were on the same page with our sex drives. We laugh about how were both lazy.
I'm only on page 4, but I'm shocked that so many of you agreed that you feel weird acting slutty in bed with your husbands. Is that typical?
I really don't know. I only know my own experience and yes, I was more slutty with boyfriends but now that I'm married, I'm worried about what he'll think of me. I know it's not rational, I know he would WANT me to be slutty. This is totally my issue.
so, kore et al - i'm just trying to understand. it' s not that your H refuses intercourse (or maybe sometimes he does?) it's that you know he doesn't enjoy it so you get to a point where you don't even initiate intercourse and then he doesn't either?
Yeah, it's more or less this but it's evolved over the years. After being rejected enough times, you kind of stop asking for it. And like others have said, knowing he's not into it is a turn-off and just makes me feel desperate or like there's something wrong with me for wanting it. The less frequently we have sex, the harder it is to do it and the more awkward it is when we do, although when we finally get into it it's actually really good. He just considers it a lot more work and the reward, the sensation, just isn't good enough to justify the effort. There's a lot of different factors that play into it for us. A big part is laziness, another part is (TMI) H is on the wider side and condom use is extremely awkward and because sex is so infrequent penetration is painful right at the beginning. A lot of the time it's quicker and easier to fool around other ways. We do have a lot of intimacy and affection in our relationship in general, it's just the intercourse that's lacking.
This thread is totally bumming me out. We've been together 21 years; married 6. It used to be once a week. The last couple of years he has shown very little interest in me. Especially this last year while I was pregnant. Which sucked because I am hornier than hell when pregnant. I hope things pick up again.
I'm only on page 4, but I'm shocked that so many of you agreed that you feel weird acting slutty in bed with your husbands. Is that typical?
I really don't know. I only know my own experience and yes, I was more slutty with boyfriends but now that I'm married, I'm worried about what he'll think of me. I know it's not rational, I know he would WANT me to be slutty. This is totally my issue.
Thanks for sharing! I'm not married but I am in a relationship (almost a year) so it's interesting to hear others' experiences. Maybe when I'm married I'll totally 'get it'. lol
I really don't know. I only know my own experience and yes, I was more slutty with boyfriends but now that I'm married, I'm worried about what he'll think of me. I know it's not rational, I know he would WANT me to be slutty. This is totally my issue.
Thanks for sharing! I'm not married but I am in a relationship (almost a year) so it's interesting to hear others' experiences. Maybe when I'm married I'll totally 'get it'. lol
I'm a lot more adventurous now than I used to be because there is obviously more trust and relaxing going on at this point in our relationship, but I can totally understand the awkward/self conscious feeling, especially for those who responded that are moms. There is a different energy to sex before the dredge of long term living together and marriage and I'm sure before children come into things. Once you get into the routine of keeping a household afloat and navigating the care taking that goes along with most long term live in relationships and marriage (sorry for being overly redundant, I'm trying not to exclude partners who have been together 4eva but are not married) and especially chasing after kids, it can be really hard to tune back into that slutty mentality. I know for me personally, there are days where trying to turn that part of my brain back on sort of feels uncomfortable and foreign.
2 kids, sex....never. Lol. No, he's never home. Sex maybe 2-4 times a month.
It's hard to quantify it when they're never home. Not as much as we used to, that much I know.
Lol, that's for sure. I know the other day he was having a pity party for himself because he was all "I only had sex twice in September. How embarrassing" and I was like " wellll, you're only home 1 week/month. 2x in a week is still pretty good...".