Because you're a planner, and I'm one too, it's hard to do something without the stars being aligned/everything being "ready." Everything will never be ready. You'll never be 100% ready. You figure shit out as you go.
I am also a planner. I want to do SO much- I want to change jobs, I want to get a PhD, I want to travel, etc, etc, etc. But I also want a second baby. I don't know....I think this is one thing that you just DO. There is never a "best time" to have kids. I mean...its a lifetime commitment. And there are times it sucks. But the times that it is amazing and awesome and incredible FAR outweigh (not outnumber...outWEIGH lol) the suck.
Honestly...I would look at it this way. In 20 years, if you didn't have children...would you have regrets? If so, then I'd say its time to start trying.
Yes, I would absolutely have regrets if in 20 years we didn't have kids. In my perfect plan, we'll have #1 when I'm 36.5 (I know, I know) and #2 when I'm 38 or 39. If only it were that easy.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Oct 9, 2013 16:23:31 GMT -5
I think another question to ask, is if you put it off a few years, and have trouble TTC (or can't get pg at all) will you be ok with that? Or will you have regrets?
I just eventually had to decide that the biological urge was never going to overwhelm me, so I might as well take the leap. I knew I wanted kids *someday* and DH wanted kids sooner rather than later, so at some point there was no real point in dragging it out much longer. We had two miscarriages, which threw me for a loop because I was 28 and exceedingly healthy. I had to take some time off from TTC because the miscarriages were hard on me mentally, being a total planner and we are now nearly 2 years into this journey.
So, in answer to your question, if I were your age I wouldn't wait. The time is never going to be totally perfect for having a baby, and you never know what complications you'll run into along the way.
Post by sporklemotion on Oct 9, 2013 16:40:18 GMT -5
I agree with others that if you have to have kids, you shouldn't wait too much longer. That said, I'm about to become a FTM at 41 (I hope-- I'm almost there!). But it took us a while, including a loss, to get here. TBH, we had both adjusted to the idea that it may never happen for us, and we chose not to pursue IUI or IVF. We would have regretted it had we not had kids, but perhaps not as much as some people-- we saw the upsides to being child free, too.
While I have elevated risks for defects/issues, the odds are still greater that my baby will be healthy than that she won't, despite the general sense that babies born to moms over 40 will all have problems. Time will tell on that, but so far (31weeks) testing has not turned anything up. I realize that is no guarantee.
So I will say that you still have some time, but that if your gut is telling you that you have to be a mom, there's not really a point in waiting longer. It will never be the perfect time.
I agree that not everyone gets the strong urge. Sometimes you know what you want for your life, so you do it. I would start now and see what happens. It could happen easily and quickly. Or it could take a while. A lot of people plan it out perfectly then find out it won't happen as easily as they thought.
All I can do is share my story. No strong urges. Just knew we wanted a kid. Went through 5 years of IF. Had DS a month shy of my 39th b-day. Actually know quite a few people who didn't have kids until they were also in their late 30's/ early 40's. It IS possible.
We're one and done for many reasons. We loved our freedom pre-kid and that was one of the reasons if our last IVF didn't work, we knew we'd be fine w/o kids. But now that we have DS - it's been great. And as he gets older (4.5 now) - it just gets easier in many ways and also more fun. We travel with him and HE loves to travel. We try to open him up to a lot of different experiences, etc. I feel that we kind of are getting our "freedom" back.
If we had more kids, we know this would be greatly different. Life would be much more tied down. More than one kid has it's advantages, but just having one has it's advantages too.
Just need to do some soul searching. And it's also ok if you don't want kids. Not everyone does, and I think a LOT of people have kids more because they think they are "supposed" to, not because they really WANT to.
You certainly still have time and can have kids, but you don't know what your fertility is like until you try. You might get knocked up the first month, or you might be like me. I started trying 2+ years ago when I'd just turned 34 - right on time cycles, ovulating every month, no known health issues for either of us, etc. Now I'm several years, several losses, and several thousand dollars in and no baby. Your chances and options diminish as you get older, especially if you want more than one kid.
Sorry, take that for what it's worth from someone who desperately wants children - at least 3 - and will most likely never have the family I dreamed of. I'm now just hoping we can afford fertility treatments or adoption for one and/or we get lucky.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Hugs
I just eventually had to decide that the biological urge was never going to overwhelm me, so I might as well take the leap. I knew I wanted kids *someday* and DH wanted kids sooner rather than later, so at some point there was no real point in dragging it out much longer. We had two miscarriages, which threw me for a loop because I was 28 and exceedingly healthy. I had to take some time off from TTC because the miscarriages were hard on me mentally, being a total planner and we are now nearly 2 years into this journey.
So, in answer to your question, if I were your age I wouldn't wait. The time is never going to be totally perfect for having a baby, and you never know what complications you'll run into along the way.
I honestly beleive if you think you will regret not having them, then now is the time to start. You might not have any trouble, but you might. You never know.
I found out I had pcos when I was 22, we were planning to wait another 6 months to ttc (yes I got married young!) but when we found this out we decided to get started right away. 3 years and 3 miscarriages later we have a beautiful boy. We will probably start trying sooner than we would have otherwise for a second child now, knowing how long coming this one was.
I agree with others that if you have to have kids, you shouldn't wait too much longer. That said, I'm about to become a FTM at 41 (I hope-- I'm almost there!). But it took us a while, including a loss, to get here. TBH, we had both adjusted to the idea that it may never happen for us, and we chose not to pursue IUI or IVF. We would have regretted it had we not had kids, but perhaps not as much as some people-- we saw the upsides to being child free, too.
While I have elevated risks for defects/issues, the odds are still greater that my baby will be healthy than that she won't, despite the general sense that babies born to moms over 40 will all have problems. Time will tell on that, but so far (31weeks) testing has not turned anything up. I realize that is no guarantee.
So I will say that you still have some time, but that if your gut is telling you that you have to be a mom, there's not really a point in waiting longer. It will never be the perfect time.
I am also a planner. I want to do SO much- I want to change jobs, I want to get a PhD, I want to travel, etc, etc, etc. But I also want a second baby. I don't know....I think this is one thing that you just DO. There is never a "best time" to have kids. I mean...its a lifetime commitment. And there are times it sucks. But the times that it is amazing and awesome and incredible FAR outweigh (not outnumber...outWEIGH lol) the suck.
Honestly...I would look at it this way. In 20 years, if you didn't have children...would you have regrets? If so, then I'd say its time to start trying.
Yes, I would absolutely have regrets if in 20 years we didn't have kids. In my perfect plan, we'll have #1 when I'm 36.5 (I know, I know) and #2 when I'm 38 or 39. If only it were that easy.
Yeah, it's probably time to do it, then.
I feel similar (re: fence-sitting) but I am 32 and I also don't know that I would "absolutely have regrets". I mean, I just have no idea. I lean more yes than no these days.
Post by purplecow0206 on Oct 9, 2013 18:07:19 GMT -5
I've never had this overwhelming urge to have kids either (in fact, when I was 19, I told my mom that I was never going to have kids) and until I met DH, it wasn't ever anything I felt comfortable with or ready for. To be honest, it still freaks me out from time to time, but I know that DH and I would both regret NOT having kids.
Of course, when we decided that we were "ready enough", I got pregnant on the first cycle, lol
I can't imagine my future life without kids. I look forward to cooking with them, Kindergarten, family holidays, etc. But I just.don't.feel.the.urge that other women seem to feel. And I LOVE our freedom. The thought of being tied down by a baby is a bit terrifying.
Hence the conundrum. If I were 25 this would be a non-issue.
It's not really that big an issue. Trust me.
Rationally, I know you're right. I've read that great Atlantic article that Kevin Arnold posted. There's no reason to believe that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant at 37 or 38. But then I have that voice in the back on my head that says I won't know if I'll have problems until I try and the clock is ticking...
The fact that my DH is a huge procrastinator and massive over-thinker doesn't help at all.
At this point, I should start hoping for an accident, hahaha
ETA: I don't mean to insinuate that DH doesn't want kids. He totally does. (ONE DAY, like me.) He just won't be the one who says "Okay, this is the month!" That won't happen. It will have to be me.
Rationally, I know you're right. I've read that great Atlantic article that Kevin Arnold posted. There's no reason to believe that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant at 37 or 38. But then I have that voice in the back on my head that says I won't know if I'll have problems until I try and the clock is ticking...
The fact that my DH is a huge procrastinator and massive over-thinker doesn't help at all.
At this point, I should start hoping for an accident, hahaha
ETA: I don't mean to insinuate that DH doesn't want kids. He totally does. (ONE DAY, like me.) He just won't be the one who says "Okay, this is the month!" That won't happen. It will have to be me.
I simply went off birth control and let nature take its course for reasons other than trying to have a baby. I'm 36.
If nothing happened, great.
If something happened, great.
You, however, actually WANT children. My advice to you is at least get off birth control. We're not young, and you simply don't know what your body is or isn't doing inside. This way you can see if all the pipes are working. Do you know what I mean? And, if not, you will then have some time to plan accordingly because, again, you've indicated that you do want children.
If everything is working, then you may get pregnant without having all the stress of precise timing and whatever else people who actively try to conceive put themselves through, and then your decision is made for you.
Freeze your eggs. (I've only read the OP.) I have friends who did that to buy time and are happy they did. Do two cycles if you can so that you have more options later.
I've now read the whole thread and everything you've said. It sounds like you are more in a just-jump-in place than a freeze-your-eggs place. I say just do it.