So, partially in honor of luibot's post and partially IHO of random crap that goes through my head when I'm on vacation, I haz a curious.
How long do you wait to have sex with someone?
Before BF, the only person I'd been sexually intimate with was XH. Seven months in, BF and I still haven't slept together, though we have done *ahem* other things. The desire is there, but it's just our choice to wait. Add in that the pill turns me into crazy lady, which we discovered when my doc tried to use them to combat the cramps from hell, and sex is a no go for now (XH and I used NFP b/c XH was strict Catholic. Since my divorce, I've come to reject a lot of things in Catholic teaching, bc being one of them).
Given, I know everyone is different and that different things work for different people. I don't necessarily think that my choice is better or worse than anyone else's with the exception that it's better for me and works best for BF and I.
That said...what about you guys? How long do you wait?
Back when I was dating before I got married I had 3-4 month rule. Those were my healthier relationships. Once I threw that rule out the window and started having sex early in my relationships in hindsight those relationships were rocky and dramatic and wrong. STBX is included in this, I slept with him the first chance I got. Oh well live and learn, I was young and stupid.
Probably around three weeks to a month. It's probably not "technically" long enough but I don't like to put a timeline on things. When it feels right and if we're both on the same page about things (and safe) I generally just go for it.
Post by sparkles17 on Jun 25, 2012 10:55:06 GMT -5
In the past, I had a 3 date rule. Of course, looking back, that was completely ridiculous. I waited 6 weeks with current BF and am so glad that I did. At that point we were falling in love and it meant so much more to both us.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jun 25, 2012 11:06:30 GMT -5
Six months, at least.
Yeah, I know that sounds like a long time, but I'll be damned if I am going to trust someone I barely know with my sexual health and with any potential pregnancies. If I can't trust him enough to let him in on my deepest secrets and thoughts, then I'm not going to let him in my body either.
Post by dakotadangerdog on Jun 25, 2012 11:07:25 GMT -5
I've never had a rule or anything. Over time the wait has been getting shorter lol. The guy I'm seeing now I slept with on the 2nd date which is wayyy sooner than I have before. But he's a cool guy and I'm not like super emotionally invested in sex sooo I dunno, don't really feel like it's a big deal for me. And I'm okay with just casually dating him, so whatever happens happens.
I just don't see the clear connection between the success of a relationship and how long you wait to have sex. In my mind if you are dating a douche, it doesn't matter whether you sleep with him on the first date than on the 10th, he is still a douche.
I just don't see the clear connection between the success of a relationship and how long you wait to have sex. In my mind if you are dating a douche, it doesn't matter whether you sleep with him on the first date than on the 10th, he is still a douche.
I can't believe I have to state this obvious point, but if he's a douche, you won't GET to 10 dates, and therefore won't sleep with him at all.
I just don't see the clear connection between the success of a relationship and how long you wait to have sex. In my mind if you are dating a douche, it doesn't matter whether you sleep with him on the first date than on the 10th, he is still a douche.
I can't believe I have to state this obvious point, but if he's a douche, you won't GET to 10 dates, and therefore won't sleep with him at all.
Yes, what you are saying is pretty obvious.
What I mean is that some posters say, I slept too soon with my ex, and look what happened. So I'm talking about when you have a relationship and choose to keep dating the guy, does it really matter if you slept with him soon or you waited?
I just don't see the clear connection between the success of a relationship and how long you wait to have sex. In my mind if you are dating a douche, it doesn't matter whether you sleep with him on the first date than on the 10th, he is still a douche.
I'm with you here. I waited over a year with XH, and that ended up being a clusterfuck (no pun intended).
Of course, XH was weird. I know that we joke about how rings don't have magic fairy dust that turn an asshole into a decent husband. However, in my case, XH thought the wedding ring gave him some kind of power over me. He told my mom, during post-ceremony pictures no less, that I was now the most important possession he owned. My mom prayed it was a fluke, because he'd never said anything like that before.
ETA: XH also told me during marital spats that I was his wife and needed to submit to him. I also needed to let him lead. We had discussed gender roles *repeatedly* during dating/engagement, and I was *clear* that I wanted an equal partnership. XH finally told me he didn't think I was serious.
I can't believe I have to state this obvious point, but if he's a douche, you won't GET to 10 dates, and therefore won't sleep with him at all.
Yes, what you are saying is pretty obvious.
What I mean is that some posters say, I slept too soon with my ex, and look what happened. So I'm talking about when you have a relationship and choose to keep dating the guy, does it really matter if you slept with him soon or you waited?
It kind of does. Sex tends to fool people into thinking they're more invested than they really are. Remember the fwb situation (was it Mint, perhaps) where she wanted to date him for real, he said no, and she was all butthurt and stopped sleeping with him, and almost immediately realized that she wasn't actually into him anyway? I see various forms of this happen a lot.
What I mean is that some posters say, I slept too soon with my ex, and look what happened. So I'm talking about when you have a relationship and choose to keep dating the guy, does it really matter if you slept with him soon or you waited?
It kind of does. Sex tends to fool people into thinking they're more invested than they really are. Remember the fwb situation (was it Mint, perhaps) where she wanted to date him for real, he said no, and she was all butthurt and stopped sleeping with him, and almost immediately realized that she wasn't actually into him anyway? I see various forms of this happen a lot.
I totally agree this happens a lot. I eventually made the decision to only sleep with people I was in committed, exclusive relationships with because of this.
Post by starburst604 on Jun 25, 2012 11:31:17 GMT -5
I'd say 3-5 dates depending on my comfort level with them. With that said, I don't go on 3 dates very often. I usually know within then if there's a reason to take it further. Sexual chemistry is important to me so I'm not going to wait months to see if it's there or not.
I've been all over the map from waiting a year, to ONS, to a few weeks. I'd probably be in the month-ish range at this point, but it would depend way more on the chemistry with the person and, being honest, how long it's been since I've had it. In the past I haven't been really emotionally invested in sex either so there's that.
I can't believe I have to state this obvious point, but if he's a douche, you won't GET to 10 dates, and therefore won't sleep with him at all.
Yes, what you are saying is pretty obvious.
What I mean is that some posters say, I slept too soon with my ex, and look what happened. So I'm talking about when you have a relationship and choose to keep dating the guy, does it really matter if you slept with him soon or you waited?
I am certainly not saying that by sleeping with my stbx the first weekend he came to see me that it caused all of our issues. With him everything happened too fast, we said I love you after like a week, we slept together immediately, we got engaged after only 6 mths, we got pregnant 3 months after that, etc. It was ALL way too fast. I was 20 when we got together 21 when we got married.
With my boyfriends before that in high school I would wait a few months so I could really get to know them, develop feelings for them. Those were much healthier relationships that ended positively.
So was sleeping with him "too soon" a direct correlation to our problems well no but looking back if we had slowed everything way down maybe I could've seen the red flags that are so blaringly obvious to me now.
I'm not really sure how long I will wait once I am actully dating. In the 3 relationships I have had in my life... I slept with 2 on the first date. Would I change that? No. I really don't think it had any bearing on my relationship with them whatsoever. I was friends with them before dating so I already knew them. I have slept with friends as well. Even after we stopped sleeping together, we are still good friends. Didn't really change our friendship. Basically my timeline is when I trust them enough and am comfortable enough to sleep with them, I will.
My first H waited about 2 months, my 2nd H waited about 3 dates.
I would consider a grown man or woman waiting longer than a month or 2 strange if they are seeing each other on a frequent basis and are physically attracted to each other. It would send up a red flag to me about the other persons sexual behavior.
I think this is probably a case by case basis thing. I don't know. I wasn't ready until almost 4 months after seriously dating current BF. It was all on me, though. Trust issues and just being worried about myself in general. Emotionally abusive ex pretty much ruined me for awhile in that department.
What I mean is that some posters say, I slept too soon with my ex, and look what happened. So I'm talking about when you have a relationship and choose to keep dating the guy, does it really matter if you slept with him soon or you waited?
It kind of does. Sex tends to fool people into thinking they're more invested than they really are. Remember the fwb situation (was it Mint, perhaps) where she wanted to date him for real, he said no, and she was all butthurt and stopped sleeping with him, and almost immediately realized that she wasn't actually into him anyway? I see various forms of this happen a lot.
I guess its different for every one. There are people who can just have sex without getting their feelings involved but there are some that feel emotional attachment.
Mags, just out of curiosity: What do you mean when you say it'd be sending up red flags for grown men/women to wait longer than two months to have sex when they're attracted to each other?
Mags, just out of curiosity: What do you mean when you say it'd be sending up red flags for grown men/women to wait longer than two months to have sex when they're attracted to each other?
Well, if you are both consenting adults, like each other, and have chemistry, it would be odd to me that something or someone would be holding back. If HE wasnt putting the moves on me i would be giving him/us a serious side eye. I would also assume that after 2 months you both know that you enjoy each others company and want to spend more time together. Make more sense?
I don't have a timeframe. I think this is a little bit ridiculous. Like vajeana said, it's a case by case basis. Some people might require more time, some less time. When I feel ready and confident this is the best, that's when it happens.