Post by thatsnotmyname on Oct 18, 2013 11:32:42 GMT -5
I could use a little advice or food for thought or something. This is so long. I'm sorry.
(edited to remove personal information)
We get along pretty well. Life is easy for the most part. We share a great group of mutual friends. We enjoy doing many of the same things. We laugh together a lot. Things are fine. He is not mean or make my life unpleasant. My family loves him. He's been a part of our lives for nearly a decade.
Where things aren't great: I almost can't tell if he loves me romantically or not. It feels like we're really good buddies and not romantically involved. We have sex but not very often - it's maybe 2 times a week, which isn't enough for either of us. He feels like I don't initiate sex. I think I initiate about half of the time. The thing is, his actions toward me do not make me feel inclined to want to sleep with him. He doesn't show physical affection, give compliments, or show his love for me in any way. I yearn for physical affection. We talked about this the other night, and I asked him how he thought he showed his affection (maybe I just need to pay attention to the ways he thinks he shows it) - he could not find an answer.
Also, he has talked periodically about joining the military in some aspect. I admire those in the military and their families, but I just do not want the lifestyle that goes along with that (possible deployment, especially if we have children; being restricted to living in certain areas). We tend to talk about this possibility every once in a while. I voice my fears. He voices his desires. We leave it alone, and I pretend he'll change his mind so we go along with life.
So, life is fine. I could probably stay married to him and be fine. I'm concerned about resenting him if he chooses to enlist, but things would probably be okay. Or, I could take my chances to find a partner better suited to me romantically. Could I be happier? Would I regret ending this relationship, where life is pretty easy?
I know that only I can decide, but I guess any words of wisdom you can share would be much appreciated.
I could use a little advice or food for thought or something. This is so long. I'm sorry.
Quick facts about my life: I've been married to my husband for a little over four years, together about 9. I'm 30. We have two dogs together; no kids. We also own two houses, one we rent out (have another year left on renter's lease) and the other one is where we live. My husband is the primary breadwinner and makes nearly 3x what I make. I could live off my salary but would have to change the way I operate - couldn't afford to live in this house by myself for sure.
We get along pretty well. Life is easy for the most part. We share a great group of mutual friends. We enjoy doing many of the same things. We laugh together a lot. Things are fine. He is not mean or make my life unpleasant. My family loves him. He's been a part of our lives for nearly a decade.
Where things aren't great: I almost can't tell if he loves me romantically or not. It feels like we're really good buddies and not romantically involved. We have sex but not very often - it's maybe 2 times a week, which isn't enough for either of us. He feels like I don't initiate sex. I think I initiate about half of the time. The thing is, his actions toward me do not make me feel inclined to want to sleep with him. He doesn't show physical affection, give compliments, or show his love for me in any way. I yearn for physical affection. We talked about this the other night, and I asked him how he thought he showed his affection (maybe I just need to pay attention to the ways he thinks he shows it) - he could not find an answer.
Also, he has talked periodically about joining the military in some aspect. I admire those in the military and their families, but I just do not want the lifestyle that goes along with that (possible deployment, especially if we have children; being restricted to living in certain areas). We tend to talk about this possibility every once in a while. I voice my fears. He voices his desires. We leave it alone, and I pretend he'll change his mind so we go along with life.
So, life is fine. I could probably stay married to him and be fine. I'm concerned about resenting him if he chooses to enlist, but things would probably be okay. Or, I could take my chances to find a partner better suited to me romantically. Could I be happier? Would I regret ending this relationship, where life is pretty easy?
I know that only I can decide, but I guess any words of wisdom you can share would be much appreciated.
Counseling is what I would recommend for you guys. I wouldn't give up on a marriage where the main issue seems to be lack of romantic feelings without trying counseling first, personally. But that is a decision only you can make.
Post by shostakovich on Oct 18, 2013 11:37:04 GMT -5
Counseling. For both of you, or if he won't go, for you alone. It sounds like you guys need to better communicate your expectations of each other and your vision of where your relationship and mutual life is headed.
Counseling. If you generally get along, have similar interests, and life is easy, and your issues are with affection and communication, I think you are prime candidates for some marriage counseling. Don't give up if you're happy but bored.
I say counseling before you leave the marriage. Sex twice a week, laughing together, and enjoying each others company is good. I think you have a lot to give up and I wouldn't do it lightly. The breeziness of the way you are speaking is strange to me.
Now if he joins the military and you truly do not want that life, I would encourage you to weigh your options because you would not be happy in that lifestyle.
Post by thatsnotmyname on Oct 18, 2013 11:45:15 GMT -5
I know that I should get counseling. I need to pull the trigger. I'll make an appointment.
He would not go to counseling with me. I've asked in the past, and he refuses.
@livinitup I got married because I love him. I thought that things were good enough. Things haven't changed that much in our relationship over time, I don't think. It's not like he recently changed and I don't know if I can be in a relationship with this new person. I'm maybe just thinking that I have so much time left in my life to spend with someone, and I don't want that person to be just a great roommate.
Have you asked him if he is willing to be more affectionate?
"H I need you to hug me at least 3x a day", etc.
Yes, I've listed specific actions that he can take to make me feel loved. It's unnatural to him; it's almost like he's physically incapable of providing sincere affection.
He'll hug me if I make him, but he'll hug me with one arm, patting my back, and watching the TV until I let go.
Post by stinkyfeet on Oct 18, 2013 11:50:43 GMT -5
It sounds like it can be fixed, if you want it to. Laughing together, having fun, and sex twice a week doesn't equal a troubled marriage. More physical affection is desired and can be achieved, sounds like you have a good foundation. Honestly, I wish mine were as solid. That being said, if you're not happy, you're not happy. It may sound like a fantastic marriage to everyone else, but you are the one in it. Go to counseling, try to figure out why you're not happy. It may just be that things are good, but just not good enough for you.
My mental process: twice a week is a lot of sex, especially if you aren't trying to make humans.
ETA: You could go to therapy solo or together to deal with the affection communication stuff.
Yeah I feel bad for my husband bc twice a week is a jackpot week for us.
But kidding aside, maybe you should talk to someone on your own. work through the feelings you have and then maybe marriage counseling after that. Him enlisting will be a big change in your relationship and it should'nt be discussed casually
How was the affection when you were dating? I mean, is this how he has always been or has he changed over time? How much sex did you have before getting married?
I know that I should get counseling. I need to pull the trigger. I'll make an appointment.
He would not go to counseling with me. I've asked in the past, and he refuses.
@livinitup I got married because I love him. I thought that things were good enough. Things haven't changed that much in our relationship over time, I don't think. It's not like he recently changed and I don't know if I can be in a relationship with this new person. I'm maybe just thinking that I have so much time left in my life to spend with someone, and I don't want that person to be just a great roommate.
You say you have so much time left to spend with someone. Do you have someone in mind? I'm not trying to be snarky, but I said some of these same things when I was with ex-bf and had met someone else that I liked. I also dug for reasons why I shouldn't be with bf. I may be entirely off base. I am just speaking from personal experience.
Well I will triple ditto that the sex 2X a week is more then we have lol. Everyone is different though. However, I personally would have a big problem if my husband decided to enlist at this stage in our lives. I feel like that is a pretty big life changing decision that I would NOT handle well at this point (or even if we were younger to be honest).
If I got the sex 2 times per week I would think that was lots!
you sound kind of depressed, spoiled, dramatic? Again I would suggest counseling.
Okay, this is kind of funny.
I did say "maybe 2 times a week," which meant generally 1-3. Some weeks we don't have sex at all. Some weeks we have sex 3 times a week (usually just 1 or 2). I feel like for a couple of people without kids, two times a week is not a lot!
Maybe I am all of those things. A counselor diagnosis of "spoiled and/or dramatic" could save my marriage.
I do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I'm feeling like I could possibly be giving up before I should.
Have you asked him if he is willing to be more affectionate?
"H I need you to hug me at least 3x a day", etc.
Yes, I've listed specific actions that he can take to make me feel loved. It's unnatural to him; it's almost like he's physically incapable of providing sincere affection.
He'll hug me if I make him, but he'll hug me with one arm, patting my back, and watching the TV until I let go.
Some people aren't capable of physical affection for a myriad of reasons.
Post by margotmacomber on Oct 18, 2013 11:56:31 GMT -5
If he makes 3X what you do but wants to enlist will he be commisioned? Because soldiers don't typically make bank.
A good compromise would be National Guard but there would still be deployments. When I enlisted it was something I wanted for a long time but didn't have the courage to tell anyone and follow through, so it was a shock for my family.
And, personally, I don't think you should give up on your marriage for the reasons you have listed. You certainly have options, one of those being counseling. You should note though, people can only change if they WANT to change, so don't expect a magic cure all if you do go. Additionally, even though you may have a hard time or get annoyed with it, perhaps you should initiate sex if you want it more often. Unless he repeatedly turns you down, that is probably linked to his difficulties with giving affection.
Post by lightbulbsun on Oct 18, 2013 11:59:25 GMT -5
I would try counsselling before you jump straight to divorce. I think it sounds like you have a really good foundation, you just need to work on communication.
It seems like there is a LOT of good in your relationship and not a lot of bad. I do think counseling would work wonders. I also agree with the suggestion about love languages. It's a bit cheesy, but I think it's worth a look for both of you. He can't answer you about how he shares affection, but does he say that he is attracted to you? Is it possible he is showing affection in ways neither of you are able to identify? Does he fix things around the house, bring you flowers/small gifts, spend a lot of time with you? You guys need to sit down with someone and have some real conversations about where your lives are headed. The military thing could be a bigger deal than either of you realize.
I can see being bored in a relationship like that. I would be. However, I wouldn't leave just yet. Get counseling and see what it reveals. It's too bad he won't do counseling (or a marriage retreat? As part of a nice vacation maybe?) It mostly sounds like you guys need to find new ways of being with each other that are exciting to you.
Sometimes, too, it's *you* that needs to put some more spice into your own life. Find ways to challenge yourself. Since money is not a problem for you, why don't you set about doing some of the things you've always wanted to do in life? Put less pressure on your marriage - a marriage can't be everything in life - and find fulfillment in other ways.
Have you asked yourself if you still are in love with him? Loving someone because you have a history together or are supposed to and being in love with a person are two different things. If you aren't in love with him that is reason enough for a divorce. Do you feel guilt over him not enlisting because you aren't really in love with him and you are holding him back from his goal?
Just because a marriage sounds or looks great doesn't mean you will feel like it is. Maybe you are the one who has changed and have different needs/wants from when you got married.