We are misaligned in our expectations, yes. I am feeling a little defensive (and am trying to rein that in), but I understand where many of you are coming from. I appreciate the input and the conversation. I don't think I had unrealistic expectations about marriage. I expected that we would just continue our relationship as it was (with its ups and downs, but we'd still be together, living our lives). I don't expect a fairy tale.
I will sit down and talk to the dude, as was suggested. We've had this type discussion many times. It is somewhat difficult having this discussion because he is fairly defensive and is a great arguer (i.e. my opinions and feelings will often feel trivial even to me at the end of a conversation).
I am currently looking up counselors with whom I can make an appointment in the next couple of weeks.
I need to step away from this post for a while. Thank you for all the advice and opinions.
Good luck, and I hope talking to your H and counseling help!
I am doing a lot better (and have been for several months). I get out more. Exercise (at home, trail running, riding my bicycle, walking/running my dogs). I've met a few very good friends, whom I see in a group or one on one at least a couple times a week. I have a few hobbies (like sewing, learning an instrument, and improving my home, playing an adult team sport) that have added to life.
Maybe this is a "me problem." I will do my best to find out and take the appropriate steps to find happiness within my marriage or on my own.
We are misaligned in our expectations, yes. I am feeling a little defensive (and am trying to rein that in), but I understand where many of you are coming from. I appreciate the input and the conversation. I don't think I had unrealistic expectations about marriage. I expected that we would just continue our relationship as it was (with its ups and downs, but we'd still be together, living our lives). I don't expect a fairy tale.
I will sit down and talk to the dude, as was suggested. We've had this type discussion many times. It is somewhat difficult having this discussion because he is fairly defensive and is a great arguer (i.e. my opinions and feelings will often feel trivial even to me at the end of a conversation).
I am currently looking up counselors with whom I can make an appointment in the next couple of weeks.
I need to step away from this post for a while. Thank you for all the advice and opinions.
How often is often? Bc if this is the norm, that's not good. I mean, we all overreact sometimes, but if you are consistently being made to feel that your concerns or complaints aren't valid, that is a very unhealthy dynamic.
I think building a strong resilient relationship just takes time. I can think back on my (almost) 12 years of marriage and pinpoint specific times where I had enough gripes about H that if I posted them here I probably would have gotten some "you should leave him and be happy" responses. But even through the tough times where intimacy was scarce, fighting wasn't always fair, we felt disconnected, disagreed on major life issues etc. we grew from all of that. Now we have a much better friendship, better intimacy and a stronger bond. But I can legit day at least 3 times I've felt like just giving up. Not in recent years but in the first 5'ish years. Even when I think back on my parents marriage of 46 years they've had ups and downs but they made it through and are very happy.
Of course if there is emotional or physical abuse that is a whole different issue.
the "i think he's going to enlist whether i want him to or not" thing sucks. that's a really hard lifestyle to get dragged into against your will. the lack of romancey stuff can be worked out, but the military thing is kind of stuck in my craw.
Yes. As a military wife, I can tell you it's no joke. His job will always come first. And a 30 yr old on a private's salary?!
I wonder if he doesn't realize how little our military men and women get paid.
It sounds like a lot of things have been the same in your relationship since before you were married, from what you have stated, perhaps with the exception of your house duties in your H's mind.
We are misaligned in our expectations, yes. I am feeling a little defensive (and am trying to rein that in), but I understand where many of you are coming from. I appreciate the input and the conversation. I don't think I had unrealistic expectations about marriage. I expected that we would just continue our relationship as it was (with its ups and downs, but we'd still be together, living our lives). I don't expect a fairy tale.
I will sit down and talk to the dude, as was suggested. We've had this type discussion many times. It is somewhat difficult having this discussion because he is fairly defensive and is a great arguer (i.e. my opinions and feelings will often feel trivial even to me at the end of a conversation).
I am currently looking up counselors with whom I can make an appointment in the next couple of weeks.
I need to step away from this post for a while. Thank you for all the advice and opinions.
that isn't being a great arguer - that is manipulation. your feelings are yours, no matter what he thinks about them. he may minimize them or make them seem trivial, but they are yours and they are not wrong. stop allowing him to change that for you.
and since i saw your response about the sex, i think he is a total manipulator and you are a complete enabler. he threatens not to marry you to fix the sex, so maybe he threatens going in the military to make you do things the way he'd like them done (ie: the housekeeping and the grocery shopping).
i think before even trying to get into marriage counseling with him (given his reluctance) you need to seek therapy on your own and figure out why you think so little of yourself that you allow your partner to control your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Post by happyholiday on Oct 18, 2013 13:44:25 GMT -5
Sorry to sound unsympathetic. You're going through a tough time. I agree that it doesn't sound like a 'just you' problem. Hope you get some resolution.
We are misaligned in our expectations, yes. I am feeling a little defensive (and am trying to rein that in), but I understand where many of you are coming from. I appreciate the input and the conversation. I don't think I had unrealistic expectations about marriage. I expected that we would just continue our relationship as it was (with its ups and downs, but we'd still be together, living our lives). I don't expect a fairy tale.
I will sit down and talk to the dude, as was suggested. We've had this type discussion many times. It is somewhat difficult having this discussion because he is fairly defensive and is a great arguer (i.e. my opinions and feelings will often feel trivial even to me at the end of a conversation).
I am currently looking up counselors with whom I can make an appointment in the next couple of weeks.
I need to step away from this post for a while. Thank you for all the advice and opinions.
How often is often? Bc if this is the norm, that's not good. I mean, we all overreact sometimes, but if you are consistently being made to feel that your concerns or complaints aren't valid, that is a very unhealthy dynamic.
Yeah, I'm feeling like throughout your update, these extra little tidbits of crucial information are coming out. You keep saying you don't like to think about these things, and that is why it is most crucial for you to at least start seeing someone by yourself. I'm a little worried you're glossing over more than just the ebbs and flows of a relationship.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Oct 18, 2013 14:11:45 GMT -5
This gives me the kind of bad feeling that Bamker's marriage used to, where everything looks good on paper and like the wife can't complain and seem like anything but a nut even though it's crappy, sort of a weird gaslighty dynamic.
And that isabel up there is a whole wheel of ass cheese.